The Best of Tom Nardone Vol 1

Jun 2, 2015

This is a compilation of shows I have Done with Justine Ruotolo on the Miss ADD Show. Justine was one of the people whio encouraged me and I am forever in her debt. I think this is a fantastic compilation.

 

 

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This is Tom Nardone…Live from My Hospital Room

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I am Tom Nardone. For those of you who have not heard I am in the hospital. When I went into work yesterday, I was feeling very nauseous and full as if I had just eaten. While at work, I had to dash into the janitor’s closet. I thought I would vomit but luckily, it was only the dry heaves. I have not thrown up since the sixth grade, and I am rather proud of this run. Continue reading

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Better Than a Date with Ned Hickson

Book Review: “Humor at the Speed of Life” by Ned Hickson

tom on the toiletI am Tom Nardone, and I just spent a week with Ned Hickson. I don’t know what you did last week but it was not as much fun as the time Ned and me had. Let me tell you what a great host he was.

Continue reading

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Artists: Some Work in Paint, While Others, in Bullshit.

 

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I am not what most people might describe as refined, urbane or sophisticated. Like many of you, I have not ever been formerly educated in “The Arts”. I have never been to a museum. I have never been to an art show. I do love art, and I would not want to live in a world without it.

There are however, a great deal, of what I like to call, “assholes in artists clothing”. Some of these people have gained popularity, fame and riches, under The banner of “Artist”. They masquerade as artists, as if they were not just a bunch of soulless pretenders Continue reading

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I Am Tom Nardone Presents: “DAY-CEPTION”

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by Tom Nardone

I owe the title for this article to my son Brett A. Fuller. I promised him a credit in this post. So, promise kept.

I feel that I have stumbled across an amazing discovery. Like many discoveries, It was discovered completely by accident. The research division of “I am Tom Nardone”, have unanimously decided, to share this with you. We sincerely hope you can benefit from this and your feedback will be carefully scrutinized by our analysts, should you be compelled to share it.

I recently was scheduled off three days in a row. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it is a wonderful thing. Yesterday I got up at 7:00am, and went into the kitchen to make some coffee. I began writing. I finished and posted an article, and then spent some time with my wife watching TV in the den. Sometime around noon, she was feeling like a nap and so was I. I went upstairs, and took a four hour nap. I got up again this time at 4:00pm and went to the kitchen and made a pot of coffee. This felt like the beginning of a new day. Just like that, My new discovery was born. From the mind of Tom Nardone, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present ”Day-Secting”? I did the very same thing on Tuesday, and here is what I would like to report.

This is my discovery; “Day-secting” – the day within a day.

I was off Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I “Day-sected” Monday, and Tuesday. I cut the second and third days into two small days or mini days. This brought the total days from Three to five.

This was amazing! When I finally went back to work, I really felt as if I had been off for five days. During my three days off, I kept thinking that I was supposed to be at work. I actually checked the calendar on my laptop to make sure that I was not missing it.  I figured that when I got back it would catch up to me and balance out, but it didn’t. I clocked in and it felt like I had been on vacation. When I got home that afternoon, I still could not get it out of my mind. I sat and pondered at what I had done.

I determined that I had discovered something extraordinary. I could not decide though whether I discovered a method of solving the “two days off a week is not enough” dilemma. OR had I just taken self-bullshitting to the next level, or perhaps turned it into an art form. I am in a quandary as to which one, but they both sound like something that I can be proud of.

While I will stand by this research, I do not plan to take it any further. After the success Day-secting two consecutive days, I had planned another test; I was going to schedule a vacation for myself, and commit to this program for seven straight days. I was going to Day-sect each day of my entire vacation.

I am reasonably sure that it would have felt like a two week vacation. I decided that this would put undue pressure on my family who depends on me for things. Another way to say this is that my wife has put the kibosh on it. “SO, OK EVERYBODY GET YOUR PARADE OUT SO YVONNE CAN RAIN ON IT!” I still maintain that this is an amazing discovery.

My wife Yvonne, on the other hand, is not nearly as impressed with this as I am. During the second day of “Day-secting”, she was leaving to go to the grocery store, as she left she said “I will be back in an hour and a half; I will need some help getting the groceries in.” I explained to her that Brett would help her to that because I was involved in an important experiment, and that my research would require me to go back to sleep for four hours. She said “oh God Tom, Day-secting?” I said “Yes dear, Day-secting.” she said “I love you Tom, but this is the stupidest thing you have ever done. You’re an idiot” and with that she left.

When she recently found out that this discovery was actually going to make it to my blog, she advised me not to do it. She said “Tom, Honey listen, This whole thing….. is just bullshit. Are you sure you are not going to embarrass yourself sweety?”

(Long Pause)

Me: “Darling, have you EVER read my blog?”

I continued and said to her in a tender tone of voice as if to eliminate her fears, “Yvonne, let me assure you that if it were possible for me to embarrass myself, I would have absolutely done it by now. Let me tell you why I am never going to be embarrassed. I AM TOM NARDONE, and I am a global phenomenon. People love and appreciate me, because of my Awesomeness. There are people all over the world, in countries I have never even heard of who go to my site. You call Day-secting a bunch of bullshit, well these people have hunger for my bullshit. Some of them have told me that they all sit down to the dinner table and have a big giant family dinner and guess what the main course is? Yep, that is correct The bullshit of Tom Nardone. I could read some comments to you, but do you really need me to?”

Yvonne: Ughhhhhhhh

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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With friends like these, I have no enemies

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By Tom Nardone

I have been fortunate over the last two years to have made a lot of friends. There are a lot of people who have a tough time making friends and I can relate to that. I don’t have much of a problem with it these days but to be honest with you, having a lot of friends is not always as great as you might think.

There is a lot expected of you as a friend. I would urge you to be careful, and to avoid being too many people’s best friend.

Yes I know; it is a highly coveted position “The Best Friend” I will tell you why that is not something to aspire to without moderation. I will ask you. Do you know what is expected of “The Best Friend”? Everything is expected of the best friend. You are either the first or last person they go to with the worst things in their life that they think must be done. This can be a burden that maybe you will not be prepared for. Certainly I don’t mean that you would not want to be there for any friend who has lost someone dear to them or to help them in a time of need. I am talking about stuff you don’t care about.

How about moving day? Yes Moving day. The very words sometimes cause me to drop a nut. Yes when a person decides to move, they make no bones about the fact that they are disrupting our lives, simply by telling us that they are moving.

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So they get a nice new home, and you and I get a large order of guilt and a side order of anxiety. They even go as far as to say it will be FUN!!

“Yah guys we will just be hanging out and drinking some beers, and having some laughs it will go quick.” They will sometimes say “There is really nothing that heavy”. They would have you believe that their furniture is made out of balsa wood. OK liars, the truth is that is not going to be a lot of laughs. It is going to be a pains-taking endurance test, and the whole time we are there we are going to be asking ourselves; is this guy’s friendship really worth this? Could I have not come up with an excuse to avoid this? HOWEVER, this is not a question that you will ask yourself,…. best friend.

The best friend will without a doubt be there on moving day. He or she will not be afforded the luxury of having more pressing matters. As the best friend you know all too well that if no one shows that this person will be moping around for weeks and they will be able to say “Even my best friend did not come help me”. They will of course say this to their best friend. Yes you will also have to hear about it, and as a human being you cannot allow that. You must, and you will endure. It is your lot for this awful day. This is the job of the best friend.

Our friends choose all kinds of ways to disrupt our lives. Maybe you have experienced this. Your friend has been dating someone for three years. When you are least expecting it, they announce that one day very soon in your life; you are going to make them the focal point of it for an entire damn day. Do not make any plans because by God you will be there at their disposal, on that magical day when they get married.

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One thing about a friend getting married is that you are not going to get out of it. Other than them calling it off or eloping you are going to be there unless you have a car crash on the way to the church and what are the odds that will happen?

Guys this is just a one day ordeal for you, but women, you have my sympathy. This woman who is getting married is going to make your life a living hell. She won’t want to make a single wrong decision. So she will appoint “guess who?” as her bride’s maid. Yes, she will choose the Best Friend. They get to be involved in this process every step of the way. I have only one word of advice to any of you ladies who are asked to be bride’s maids. If you hear the word elope come out of her mouth, Carpe diem baby. Save everyone for you may never again get a chance like this to be a hero to so many.

This Last thing can be a never-ending death that you may have to survive only to repeat again. If you have a lot of friends there is one thing you better not own. If you find yourself suddenly becoming Mr. or Mrs. Popularity, and your friends are growing beyond a reasonable rate of speed, you better get on Craig’s list as fast as you can, and sell that pickup truck to the first person who is physically able to write a check.pickup

You are going to be hauling everything everywhere. You will hate tax refund season, because that is when people by things like furniture, TV’s, Refrigerators, ovens, ranges, and other things in large heavy boxes. You are going to haul the stuff. My advice to you; if you have to have a pickup truck put it in the shop in February, and don’t take it out until May.

I am proud to say that there is a group of close knit friends where NONE of this ever comes to pass. This is a group of close friends that would never expect any of these things of one another. These are the many and the proud; “The Bloggers”. This is a group that absolutely has something that prevents any of this tension from ever coming between them. They have the only thing would prevent a life of unsolicited misery. That is geography; we are simply too far apart geographically speaking.

Blog buddies are the top shelf, the Cadillac, the crème of the crop, the best of the best, when it comes to friends. I do love these people, but I love everyone who takes time out of their lives to be a part of mine.

I have some really great and amazing friends here in South Carolina. I would and I have helped them move. I have hauled their stuff and their garbage, and I was prould to see them get married. I am a good friend to the people here that I love. I will always be there for them.

Here in SC I have what I like to call a manageable number of friends.

I will bet you if Valentine Logar bought a new house, she might call upon friends to help her. I love Val and I would do anything for her, but I am all the way in South Carolina. It wouldn’t even make sense to call me. It would not occur to her to ask me. I love Val enough to help her move, but it is never going to happen.

Jade Reyner might get an entire brand new kitchen, complete with cabinets and appliances, and a giant sofa for her living room. Even though I drive a pick-up truck she is not going to call me. She is too good a friend to expect me to drive across the ocean to the UK in my pickup truck, just to help her het her kitchen delivered.

Wow! I couldn’t wait to do this one. If Essa Alroc were to get married she might very well invite me to the wedding, but under the circumstances given our “Geography” she would never expect me to show. She would certainly understand if I couldn’t make it. I don’t think I would miss that one for the world though.

My point to all this is that being a friend is not just a title. It is a responsibility. As much as I hate to admit this, my life would be empty without responsibility. Responsibility is that which gives us a purpose.

I have friends that I would give everything for. Sometimes you get a chance to be the person who they need when they need them. This is never easy, but it is a rare and beautiful thing. I don’t think I want to live in a world without them; they will certainly never live in a world without me.

Thank You friends for a great year at I am Tom Nardone

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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I Am Tom Nardone, and I Can Make Your Dreams Come True!!!

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By Tom Nardone

A great man once said, “The Less you expect, the less you will be disappointed”. Many of you know that great man was I, Tom Nardone.

Some people, my wife among them, have expressed that they feel that is a very negative outlook. I cannot understand how they could feel this way. Some of you may feel the same way. Here at I am Tom Nardone, I don’t just say something and ask you to blindly enter my way of thinking. I love and care for you all, and for that reason I am always happy to explain to you why you are wrong, and why I am awesome.

The less you expect the less you will be disappointed is a road map to being happy. So let us begin by identifying what makes us sad.

Sadness occurs when life falls short of our expectations. We go into a job interview and we expect we will get a call. We wait by the phone all day and sadly it does not ring. Then it does ring and it is not who we hoped it would be. I have been there, and had to explain to my family member why I sounded so disappointed when I found out it was them calling. This can be devastating.

On the other hand, a person being home all day who doesn’t expect to get a phone call, will not be driving everybody in the house crazy every time they see us use the phone during this critical time. They are not expecting the call. Life has met their expectations.

These are reasonable expectations. It is extremely hard for someone to not expect a phone call, when they might be in desperate need of a job. I myself was unable to do this.

While my son was in middle school, there was constant drama every day in my home. I would come home from work fully expecting that he had gotten in trouble, and there would have to be some family meeting where he would feed me a bunch of bullshit. Normally that did not happen, and I would be pleasantly surprised. Imagine how upset I would be if I expected a peaceful home and walked into a damn warzone.

There are people on this planet who expect their favorite football team to win every game. They leave no room for the chance that they could possibly lose. They watch intently as their team is being bitch-slapped around the field for four straight quarters. The game then ends and they are not only disappointed but, crushed. These particular people have two problems. one, there expectations were way higher than what life brought them, and two, these people are a bunch of assholes. (more on that when football season begins)

There are things in your life that you want to achieve. You might be one of those people who set goals for yourself. You might even be a student of Tony Robins, and you write your goals down. Goals can lead to disappointment as well. Some people are way overly serious about their goals. Maybe you have met this guy.

 I have SET a goal it is a firm and stern metric that I plan on hitting no matter the cost. It is do or die and I swear to god I will destroy the son of a bitch who stands between me and my goals, and then I will feast on their flesh, and shit them into the river.

For a better understanding I have spent a great deal of time preparing this Graph. I would like to dedicate this graph to my very good friend at “Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants” who also happens to be awesome, and a lover of blog art.

Graph complete

Notice in the above graph that life is constant. I know that there are ups and downs but we cannot control it so it will be displayed as constant. Expectations on the other hand can be controlled so we will show them at varying levels. Here is what I want you to notice.

While life is constant it begins with our expectations being very high. This causes an increase in the “Sadness Envelope”.  As our level of expectation goes down the Sadness Envelope gets smaller. Then we see something amazing happen. When our level of expectation drops below what life has delivered to us we see the start of the Happiness Envelope. We then see, as you might expect, a larger level of happiness when our expectations are at the lowest.

Goals that people set hover over them and put stress on them. Don’t we have enough to worry about without this self-inflicted shit looming over us too?

The Point

So am I saying that we should wander through life with no goals, or expectations? Hell No I am not. There are things in this world that are just more important than our happiness. Parents with kids, when it comes to their well-being, well, screw your happiness. When it is time and get up and take your ass to the job that feeds and houses your family, screw your happiness. We should challenge ourselves and we should try to make ourselves happier.

When I started this blog, I had goals. There are things I would like to have as a result of this website. I want my awesomeness to span the globe. I want people to hear the name Tom Nardone, and think to themselves “is awesome”. I want a parade in my honor and all of my posts put to music and to be sang by millions. I want a thirty foot statue, made of solid gold in my likeness to be erected in front of the WordPress home office, and I want my face on the one dollar bill, but I don’t expect it.

I think we all should have goals hopes and dreams. I certainly have them. I have goals, and expectations of my family, and for this blog, and a lot of other things. When those are not met of course I am disappointed. Having no expectations is no way to go through life. You only get one shot down here on earth so you do whatever it takes to be happy. If it is setting goals, daydreaming, or posting your own brand of bullshit over the internet, then that is what you should be doing

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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