My Wife is Just Wrong

 My Reasoning is Infallible, I Am Tom Nardone

tom1My wife has a word that she likes to throw around. I get it, and my father-in-Law, George gets it worse than me. The word is “Cheap”. It doesn’t really bother either of us. I just don’t get why certain things are so important to my wife.

OK, I have a man-cave above the garage. It is the place where I go to play with my toys. It is my room. It is my sanctuary. The deal we made when we moved in was I make every single decision about this room and she gets the entire rest of the house. Please, don’t think me generous, I simply don’t give a damn about any other room. One summer we got an electric bill for 280 dollars. I almost went Spartacus, but a couple of hours of crying, and I calmed down and accepted that we would just pay it. The following day I came home with 2 AC window units (one for me, and one for Brett) and shut off the central air. This apparently was a problem because she said it was against some Home Owner Association covenant. Well, we live in the cul-de-sac. So that rule obviously doesn’t apply to us. Yah. You just let them to say one word, I will buy red lights for every outside light we have and light this place up like the “Amityville Horror” house. She raised Hell every day when she got home, saying how awful it looked in the front of our house. She even called her air conditioning guy to see if we were even going to save any money. He said “Not a chance in Hell” Well I am happy to tell you that those 2 window units in the heat of summer run constantly and we pay 100 dollars less than we ever did with the central air. HA!! Game, Set, and Match. Tom Nardone Here.

One of my other favorite songs on the “Yvonne’s Greatest Hits” album is this one. Over the course of a period of a year my windshield wiper blades were wearing out. I put off getting new ones until one day I was actually looking through a small thin area on my windshield that was the only place I could see out of when it was raining. I stopped on the way home that day and went in to get some wiper blades. Well, I did not want to spend 10 dollars on a pair of windshield wipers. So I bought one single wiper blade. My wife and I were going to the movies the next day. We got ready to leave and she said “Oh!! I don’t want to drive us there. Did you get your wiper blades fixed” I said “Hey! We are good” We got in the car and got on the road and she couldn’t believe what I had done. It was raining very hard and we were doing about 35mph by the time she looked up. She said “Tom I can’t see a thing” I said “Well you have driven this road a thousand times, is there something you wanted to look at?” she said “Damn it Tom! Please tell me that you didn’t drive all the way to Advance Auto, and put yourself out by taking care of your car, and then you get all the way to the register and whimp-out of splurging for 2 windshield wipers” I explained to her how bad it sounded when she says it like that. I told her, ”OK Yvonne, Look! I am driving and I can see fine. I have a perfect wiper blade over here. I am the driver. Therefore I am the only person who needs to see out of this window. The only thing you have to worry about is running out of stuff to yell at me about.” The ride home wasn’t much better.central system.

4311105154_33d6f738baAnd then there is also the gas issue. Back before my wiper blades wore out, my truck was perfect. Yvonne even drove it sometimes. She asked me to put gas in the truck on the way home from work one day because she needed it the next day, so I did. She asked me the next morning, if I remembered to gas up the truck and I told her yes. 3 hours later she got back and said “I thought you put gas in the truck” See the problem was that I only put about 5 dollars in. She thinks that I should fill it up every time. She said “It’s on empty!!! How much did you put it in” I thought she was going to die when I told her 5 dollars. She said (after a long pause) “WHY?” I explained it to her and she didn’t get it. I said “When I am standing at the pump, 1 of 2 things happen. One, I get bored standing there doing nothing waiting on a pump and so I say, good enough and just end it. Or two, sometimes when I am watching the numbers change I come to a realization that those numbers actually represent dollars flowing out of our bank account and that just plain pisses me off.” She bit her bottom lip, regained her composure, and then said very calmly in a very eerie voice, “Tom, where was it you said you need to go this afternoon?” I said “I was going to go to GameStop to pick up a new video game for my Xbox” she said “OH, OK, I was worried you had your priorities screwed up. Have a good time” and then she just left the room, leaving me in the den by myself, alone and, in silence. Now you tell me. “Does my wife not kick total ass or what?” I went out, and got the game and salvaged what could have been a terrible day.

I will stand by the decisions I have made. I am Tom Nardone. I am awesome. I am smarter than the Air Conditioner Guy, and my life is no less abundant as a result of the choices I have made. So bring it on world, what will be the next thing you have that I will not pay for?

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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