Cell Phone For Tom Nardone? | I would rather just have a fishhook in my ass.

Cell Phone No More

I did own a cell phone about seven years ago. I was at the point where my contract was up in three days and was set to renew automatically. I thought about it and said “Hell I guess I’ll just let it renew.” The next day was Friday. I was at work and it was fifteen minutes before I was going to leave. I had the weekend off and I could not get out of there soon enough.

Finally, it was five minutes ‘til 3:00pm, and I began that magical walk toward the time clock, I hit the clock and was on my way to the front door, and it happened. RINNNNNNNG! It was my wife she said “Tom are you still at Home Depot” I said, still at this point with a smile on my face “Yes dear I am walking out the door” She said “Well I am glad I caught you. I need you to grab a few things on your way out.” I didn’t want to do it but if it makes her happy I thought fine. I can just do it, and start my awesome weekend off on a cooperative note. I said “OK dear, what do we need?” with her next words I knew that whatever plans I might have had for a great weekend were now in the shitter. She responded “You are going to need a pen”

Here are the things that I grabbed on the way out. 25 bags of mulch, 60 fence pickets, a wheelbarrow, a hundred foot garden hose, and a bunch of other little things. For those of you not cursed with the burden of owning a home, these are the kinds of things homeowners buy to ensure that they have a real shitty weekend. Most of you know my position on yard work. Nothing gives me the red-ass like being stopped on my way out the building after I have clocked out, but after this, I was devastated. If you have ever gotten so mad that your anger turns to tears or crying, then you know how I felt. I wrote it all down and managed to push the words “I love you dear” out of my body, and then I hung up.

BROKEN CELL PHONE

My cell phone, my wonderful, fifty dollar a month, pain in the ass, heart-breaking, soul killing, cell phone,  with a fist covered in talcum powder had screwed me for the last time. After hanging up with my wife, I looked at my cell phone and smiled. I then dropped it, still smiling, and watched it go hurling toward the concrete floor of the Home Depot. My smile turned to anger and I began violently jumping up and down on that phone like a child throwing a tantrum. There were pieces of cell phone flying everywhere. When I finished, I noted that two couples that were shopping, were watching my performance. I looked at them and said “I just got some really bad news from home” They nodded as if to offer me their sympathy, and I got the stuff and went home.

I got home and went insides the house and Yvonne said “Did you get everything?” I said “yes dear, I have to go upstairs and take care of something.” I went up to my man-cave and called Sprint. I told them I would not be renewing my contract. They explained to me that to cancel my contract they would need a letter from me thirty days before the termination date.

I did not even get mad. I just said “Well it is your right to continue my service, just as it is my right to not send you any more money. I am not going to write you a letter, but I will stop sending you money. I imagine you will get tired of providing me with service before I get tired of not spending fifty dollars a month, thereby giving other people access to my ass for the purpose of causing it pain.  Believe me ma’am your services has caused me more pain today then I have time to explain.”

The Sprint lady said “Sir this will be reported to the credit bureau, and will result in a negative mark on your credit.” I said “Well of course it will, believe me many others have gone there before you. Sprint will be, but another drop of water in the Sea of Tom Nardone. So by all means, feel free to do your worst. Thank you for your time ma’am”

YVONNEI hung up the phone, and went downstairs and began the hell that would be my weekend.

Cell phone for Tom? No Thank You. I would rather have a fish hook in my ass.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

 

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The Dishwasher | A Useless Chunk of Shit

 

tom-nardone-dishwasher-head

My wife is of the opinion that the dishes need to be washed before they go into the dishwasher. I of course think that is stupid. The dishwasher’s job is to wash the dishes. If the dishwasher is unable to do this then the dishwasher is a useless piece of shit, and it is time to shit-can it,  and replace it with a cabinet so we have more space to store all the pots and pans that never seem to be able to fit into the cabinet the same way twice.(that is such bullshit)

I never take the initiative to run the Dishwasher

My wife always asks me “Hey Tom, Did you run the dishwasher?” LOOK! The damn dishwasher should never be run until it is completely, and absolutely full. Not half full, not almost full, but full full. It costs money to run a dishwasher and as my wife has mentioned before; I am one cheap bastard. I have plenty of things that I enjoy wasting my money on. Running an empty dishwasher is not on the list.dishwasher-tom-nardone

My dishwasher has cost me more than just on the electric bill. 2 Years ago my dishwasher bent be over the kitchen counter and drilled me right in the ass. The assholes at the factory over tightened a screw.  My dishwasher leaked behind the cabinets, and that led to my hardwood floors in the hallway to be destroyed. Luckily, I am Tom Nardone, and I was able to fix the leak, but can you just guess what the bastards at the insurance company told us when we tried to make a claim on our home owners insurance? Yes, and not only was it not covered but they raised our premiums for even attempting to make a claim

I don’t wash my clothes before I throw them in the washer, I don’t cook a turkey before I toss it in the oven, so I don’t think it is too much to expect to not have to wash my dishes before they go into the dishwasher. I am not the only one who believes this. Some friends of mine from Ohio just sent me an article that says it is not necessary, even for health reasons.(click here) (Thank you Mike and Patty) This article won’t make any difference in this house though. My wife won’t care about it. Hell she doesn’t even read any of the shit I write so I will have to just continue to take it in the shorts

Lastly, most people who use dishwashers don’t even need them. If you have kids between the ages of 10 and 18, well, there are your dishwashers. What a great way for them to contribute to the household than to do the dishes by hand. It will teach many values that will serve them as they get older; you know, before they turn 18 and their heads miraculously emerge from their asses and then they know more than you do. I know I know you already make your kids wash the dishes. If you are letting them use the dishwasher then I disagree with that because you know and I know they will load dirty dishes into a dishwasher that already has clean dishes in it because they don’t want to unload it. The way we know that is that it is the same shit we used to pull when it was our job.

I am Tom Nardone and you are welcome.

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Tom Nardone is My Husband | He is Also ADHD

Guest Writer Yvonne Nardone

yvonne-nardoneTom is the kindest smartest and funniest person I have ever met. Although we constantly disagree we seldom fight. Tom is my Best friend and husband and I’m proud to call him that.[Continue Reading]

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Time-ADHD, I Love You, but You Are a Whore!

tom-nardone-timeThere is a lot said about “Time” such as; Time waits for no man, Time is money, Time heals all wounds, or Time is on our side. I have a different attitude towards time. Those of us with ADD or ADHD know this all too well. Time is screwing us! CONTINUE READING

 

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My Wife is Just Wrong

 My Reasoning is Infallible, I Am Tom Nardone


tom1My wife has a word that she likes to throw around. I get it, and my father-in-Law, George gets it worse than me. The word is “Cheap”. It doesn’t really bother either of us. I just don’t get why certain things are so important to my wife.

OK, I have a man-cave above the garage. It is the place where I go to play with my toys. It is my room. It is my sanctuary. The deal we made when we moved in was I make every single decision about this room and she gets the entire rest of the house. Please, don’t think me generous, I simply don’t give a damn about any other room. One summer we got an electric bill for 280 dollars. I almost went Spartacus, but a couple of hours of crying, and I calmed down and accepted that we would just pay it. The following day I came home with 2 AC window units (one for me, and one for Brett) and shut off the central air. This apparently was a problem because she said it was against some Home Owner Association covenant. Well, we live in the cul-de-sac. So that rule obviously doesn’t apply to us. Yah. You just let them to say one word, I will buy red lights for every outside light we have and light this place up like the “Amityville Horror” house. She raised Hell every day when she got home, saying how awful it looked in the front of our house. She even called her air conditioning guy to see if we were even going to save any money. He said “Not a chance in Hell” Well I am happy to tell you that those 2 window units in the heat of summer run constantly and we pay 100 dollars less than we ever did with the central air. HA!! Game, Set, and Match. Tom Nardone Here.

wuac
One of my other favorite songs on the “Yvonne’s Greatest Hits” album is this one. Over the course of a period of a year my windshield wiper blades were wearing out. I put off getting new ones until one day I was actually looking through a small thin area on my windshield that was the only place I could see out of when it was raining. I stopped on the way home that day and went in to get some wiper blades. Well, I did not want to spend 10 dollars on a pair of windshield wipers. So I bought one single wiper blade. My wife and I were going to the movies the next day. We got ready to leave and she said “Oh!! I don’t want to drive us there. Did you get your wiper blades fixed” I said “Hey! We are good” We got in the car and got on the road and she couldn’t believe what I had done. It was raining very hard and we were doing about 35mph by the time she looked up. She said “Tom I can’t see a thing” I said “Well you have driven this road a thousand times, is there something you wanted to look at?” she said “Damn it Tom! Please tell me that you didn’t drive all the way to Advance Auto, and put yourself out by taking care of your car, and then you get all the way to the register and whimp-out of splurging for 2 windshield wipers” I explained to her how bad it sounded when she says it like that. I told her, ”OK Yvonne, Look! I am driving and I can see fine. I have a perfect wiper blade over here. I am the driver. Therefore I am the only person who needs to see out of this window. The only thing you have to worry about is running out of stuff to yell at me about.” The ride home wasn’t much better.central system.

4311105154_33d6f738baAnd then there is also the gas issue. Back before my wiper blades wore out, my truck was perfect. Yvonne even drove it sometimes. She asked me to put gas in the truck on the way home from work one day because she needed it the next day, so I did. She asked me the next morning, if I remembered to gas up the truck and I told her yes. 3 hours later she got back and said “I thought you put gas in the truck” See the problem was that I only put about 5 dollars in. She thinks that I should fill it up every time. She said “It’s on empty!!! How much did you put it in” I thought she was going to die when I told her 5 dollars. She said (after a long pause) “WHY?” I explained it to her and she didn’t get it. I said “When I am standing at the pump, 1 of 2 things happen. One, I get bored standing there doing nothing waiting on a pump and so I say, good enough and just end it. Or two, sometimes when I am watching the numbers change I come to a realization that those numbers actually represent dollars flowing out of our bank account and that just plain pisses me off.” She bit her bottom lip, regained her composure, and then said very calmly in a very eerie voice, “Tom, where was it you said you need to go this afternoon?” I said “I was going to go to GameStop to pick up a new video game for my Xbox” she said “OH, OK, I was worried you had your priorities screwed up. Have a good time” and then she just left the room, leaving me in the den by myself, alone and, in silence. Now you tell me. “Does my wife not kick total ass or what?” I went out, and got the game and salvaged what could have been a terrible day.

I will stand by the decisions I have made. I am Tom Nardone. I am awesome. I am smarter than the Air Conditioner Guy, and my life is no less abundant as a result of the choices I have made. So bring it on world, what will be the next thing you have that I will not pay for?

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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Two Weeks Notice? HELL NO!

Two Weeks Notice ? HELL NO!! 


Tom-nardone-two-weeks-notice-1-free-clipartWe have all heard of the two weeks notice. There is an idea in this country that when you decide to leave a job, “The right thing to do” is to notify your current employer with a two weeks notice in advance. Of course we all understand that you are vital to your company’s future. If you were you to leave suddenly, things would be difficult for them. How difficult would they be? Imagine…. if you were to leave your job.Tom-nardone-two-weeks-notice-2-free-clipart

Do this for me. Close your eyes…wait, wait, wait. Don’t close your eyes. I forgot you were reading. Just ask yourself which of the following two scenarios sound the most reasonable, and be honest, I would ask that you take this seriously.

Dissatisfied with your current job, you have finally found another one. They needed you to start immediately. Realizing that you cannot give a two weeks notice, you enter your current boss’s office and tell him you are leaving.

Upon your letting your employer know you are leaving, a chaotic whirlwind, capable of ripping your companies heart and soul begins. It takes over and aims to destroy the very spirit of their core values. Black clouds roll in with no regard for the tears being shed by every member of the board of directors. This ungodly terror rips in, and pierces the very walls of the cooperate fat cat’s’ over-furnished, cigar smelling offices. They tremble  in the wake of a colossal Shit-storm.  No amount of money, no attorney, and no sacrifice; blood or otherwise, can appease the cooperate gods or satisfy their hunger. Everyone (except you) will go swirling down a financial vortex of whatever might be left of what was once a mighty corporate powerhouse.

Inevitably, this company, in the span of 24 hours, has perished. Hopes are gone. Dreams are lost. A staple in our economy is dead.

Tom-nardone-two-weeks-notice-3-free-clipart

but don’t you worry. You’re gonna be OK.

You could have prevented this, yes you could have saved everyone. You could have circumvented all this suffering. You neglected to do the only thing that could have saved this multi-million dollar corporation, and you withheld it. My my my, you could have given a two weeks notice. I hope you remember this one day on your way to HELL!!!!!

orthe Two weeks notice scenario

You enter your boss’s office and tell him you are leaving, and less than a week later, The company you once believed only floated as a result of your efforts is doing just fine without you.  It would be just as if you were never there. You will be a memory, and nothing more.

Tom-nardone-two-weeks-notice-6-free-clipartI know a lot of you would like to think that option A best describes your situation. Maybe it does, but I don’t believe most of us can make that claim.

Leaving a two weeks notice is all well and good for them. Doing that does not seem to serve me in any way, and of course in the end, it is all about me, and it’s all about you.

I have quit a lot of jobs. Some jobs I have left two weeks notice and some I have not. If I am not needed right away I am happy to leave a two weeks notice. If I am needed right away, then my current employer can go hump a stump.

I have also been fired from a lot of jobs. I don’t understand why the employees of America are held to a higher standard of ethics than that of “Corporate America”. In all the times that I have been fired no one ever came over and said “Hey Tom there is not a problem here today, but two weeks from today,  you can consider yourself shit-canned.”

No. It never did happen that way. It was always one of two ways;

It was either “Hey Tom, listen man, I am sorry to tell you this, but we have not been getting as many orders as we counted on so we just aren’t going to be able to keep you on the payroll. I really am sorry. You did a good job and we will call you if we need you back, but we have to let you go.”or they would just say  “TOM, GET YOUR SHIT, AND GET THE F%#@ OUT OF MY BUILDING! RIGHT NOW YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!!!!”  (true story)

When you get fired you have no income, no insurance, no security, no peace of mind, and no idea what you are going to do. And men, you know this if you weren’t already thinking it. You are not getting laid either. Just forget about that. Your wife is going to do nothing but talk and ask questions every waking moment of every day until you get shit back in order.(apparently that is our duty)

What I am saying is if you can leave a two weeks notice, and you want to leave a two weeks notice, do it. If you don’t want to leave a two weeks notice, than you should feel free to leave them high and dry, the same way, they would leave you, and have left me. If you feel guilty then justify it on my behalf. You look them right in the eye and you say. “I quit damn it and you can consider my departure on equal footing with the middle finger of Tom Nardone, sticking in you face.” Feel free to use me to appease your guilty conscience.

Maybe a compromise is best. Call them on the phone and say ”Hello this is Tom Nardone. I’m calling to leave you my two weeks notice.

Yah, I want you to Notice that even though you keep putting my name on the schedule, I won’t be coming in to work.”

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

  • tom-nardone-public-restrooms--free-clipartYou can join the I Am Tom Nardone Facebook Group by clicking HERE. or ADHDpeople.net Here
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America is Debt Free (Or at least as good as)

 

Screw’em all, We are not paying shit!!


People are worried about the national debt. I can understand their fears and I do not wish to make light of them. I would however like to suppress those fears by letting you know that there is nothing to worry about, because we will never have to pay that debt.

Let me first say for the record that I love my country. I am not Anti-American, nor am I a loud flag waving patriot. While there are a lot of things America does wrong, there is one thing that we do better than anyone else. We do this so well, that seeing the feeble attempts of others in this arena, is laughable. This was true over 100 years ago, it is true today, and 100 years from now, it will still be true. America entertains the world. Ask yourself, what is your favorite Japanese band? What is your favorite Russian movie? What is your favorite Bosnian video game? Right! I don’t know either.

While there are  some exceptions, American Movies are loved by the whole world. We have superior actors, superior special effects, and superior quality of sound and picture. Our movies are translated into many different languages on DVD or Blu-Ray discs for the benefit of the world. Billions of dollars a year are paid to see them. People who do not  speak english watch these movies where the dialogue track is replaced with one that is in their own language. That is almost unheard of in this country, because if you have ever watched a dubbed movie, then you know, it sucks. The reason other countries do this is because the only other alternative is to watch a poorly made sub-standard piece of sh#t excuse for a movie.

American Music is a global phenomenon. There are American bands that travel the world playing not only to large arenas, but stadiums, and outdoor venues where people numbering in excess of two hundred thousand show up to hear them play. These are non-English speaking countries. Most of these people cannot understand word of it, yet they show up in droves. I know of no artist that has come to this country and even come close to that level of success singing in a foreign language whether it be live, on the radio, or just record sales.

So, what does this have to do with our debt? Ok. Billions and billions of dollars are spent every year on TV’s, IPods, IPads, Stereos, Blu-Ray Players, computers, hard drives, jump drives, cell phones, and so on. These are the most in demand products on the globe right now, and NONE of them are made in America. That is OK. It makes no difference whether we make them or not. We do something far more important. What we do, is make those products worth owning.

I don’t want a TV, or a Blu-Ray player if all I can watch is a bunch of non-sense! I don’t want a kick-ass stereo system, or an IPod if all I have to listen to is a bunch of shitty music that I don’t like, and I don’t want a computer if I can’t be entertained by the music, TV, and movies made by the people in this country. Without American music and movies I wouldn’t  care about any of that stuff, and guess what, Neither would anyone else.

Even if we fold, we’re gold. We don’t really have to pay that money back. They won’t attack us or kill us or destroy this country; and do you know why? It’s for the same reason they allow us to run around the world enforcing our own morality. They all know that if America goes away, they will be bored for the rest of their lives.

So now you can relax. so you can  go out on your front porch, open a beer, and hoist your flag up just a little bit higher. You can be thankful that you live in the country, who gave you movies like Star Wars, The Princess Bride, The Lord of the Rings, and The Blues Brothers. Strip down to your underwear, and climb on to your roof and scream at the top of your lungs with pride, knowing that you are a citizen of the country who gave voice to bands like The Doors, Aerosmith, Mötley Crüe, Lynyrd Skynyrd, KISS, ZZTop, and Ted Nugent.

If the world is a fun place, it’s because The United States made it that way. I don’t mean to say that there are not other fine contributions by other countries. For the most part America reigns supreme, so don’t forget YOU ARE AN AMERICAN AND LIFE WITHOUT YOU IS NOT WORTH LIVING.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome

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The worst Job I Ever Had

Living a lie for four months, It’s harder than you might think.


tom1

This was a long time ago, and I can’t say it was my finest hour. I have to admit that thinking back on it, I am rather ashamed that I basically screwed over the company I worked for, but at the time, it did not seem so wrong.

Years ago I was a salesman. I sold everything from satellite dishes to mobile homes, computers, and alarm systems. I worked briefly for a company called BTI, and It is this job for which this article was written. I can’t even remember what BTI stands for. What I can remember about BTI is that it was a GRIND. My job entailed going door to door to businesses and asking them if they wanted to switch over to BTI and let BTI handle all of their long distance, and data services. (It genuinely embarrasses me to admit that.)

It was almost a week, and then finally, I got an appointment. I couldn’t believe it. I was so excited. As I got off the phone, my boss walked into the office from lunch. I couldn’t wait to tell him so I said “Hey Bob. I just got an appointment” his response was “Well it’s about damn time. That’s what you are supposed to do.” I couldn’t believe he said that. I thought Screw you bob. It was at that moment that I knew my days were numbered there. The next day after the morning meeting, I was going out to my car to do some more cold-calling. I noticed one of the other salesmen in the parking lot changing his clothes in his car. I walked over and asked him what he was doing. He explained to me that he was doing what he does every morning. He was going to his real job. I later found out that 2 other salesmen were doing the same thing.

The way it worked at BTI was they paid you 1500 dollars a month for your first 6 months. After that, your commissions from sales took over. I found out that nobody had posted any sales there, and obviously none of the salesmen had been there longer than 6 months. Later that day it was time for me to go to my appointment. Bob and Terry insisted that they go with me. It was a disaster. They talked the whole time barely letting the client speak and needless to say we walked out without the sale. They both spent the whole ride back to the office blaming me for the whole thing. It was at that moment that my daily routine would change dramatically.

Now this is how I would spend my day:

7:30am – Put on my suit and leave the house.

8:00am – Attend morning meeting

8:30am – Find some office park close by and write down the names of 30 to 35 business names and then make up 30 to 35 first and last names or contacts that I presumably spoke to.

9:30am – Go home and sleep for 6 or 7 hours

4:30pm – wake up and put on my suit. (Sometimes, if I felt I didn’t get enough sleep, I would call the office and say I was in a hot area and I wanted to get some extra calls in for the day)

5:00pm – Attend afternoon meeting. (I would pull out my list of contacts for bob or terry to take and glance at so they could see how hard I had worked all day. The important thing here was to appear very enthusiastic about at least one of the people that I did not really speak to as a future client of BTI.)

6:00pm – End of a grueling work day. Then it was time to go home, see the wife, and maybe watch some TV. (I would generally stay up all night playing games on my computer, or cruising the internet until around 7:30am when I would begin my work day.)

I did this for about four and a half months. At some point I decided that my time during the day would need to be used to find a real job. I eventually did and I never even went back to BTI. I just sort of stopped showing up for work. They called the house and my wife (at the time) told them that I started my new job today. They were nice enough to mail me my final paycheck.

I am Tom Nardone and you are welcome

  • lying-tom-nardone-maipulateYou can join the I Am Tom Nardone Facebook Group by clicking HERE. or ADHDpeople.net Here
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