Man’s Best Friend, or The Spawn of Satan?

barney bannerFor years, I told my wife Yvonne, that we would under no circumstances be getting a dog. I explained to her that I could not understand why anyone would be willing to share their home with an animal. She in turn said “then you will never get a PS3 game console” I thought “oooohh don’t throw me in the briar patch Brer Rabbit” I did not even want a PS3. So I said “Fair enough”

meet barneyYears later, Yvonne was going through a tough time and she felt that the companionship of a dog would be a benefit to her. As it happens I am a weak, and easy to manipulate spouse. I agreed, even though I was not happy about it.

Yvonne was so moved  at my decision to make myself miserable that she named the dog after my favorite character from my all-time favorite TV show, “The Andy Griffith Show” Our dog is named Barney, after “Barney Fife” (it feels weird saying our dog.)

I remember the first time I ever saw Barney. He was cute and happy. I was, for a short time, very happy with my decision to allow this beast to live amongst us within the boundaries of my domicile. My wife thought he was the greatest thing that she’d ever seen. I was so happy to see my her loving that dog; I’ll bet if he were to drop a load on the floor of my den, I would not have even gotten mad. There was a euphoric canine aura around my family.

I was a hero. I, Tom Nardone had, with the approving wave of my hand, brought happiness to my kingdom. I and I alone lifted the veil of sadness that had been hovering over all of us like a black cloud of hopelessness and depression. From here on out, when I came home from work, I would hear the welcoming sound of trumpets playing as I, the bringer of all things that are magnificent, entered the gate of my castle. I even built him a dog houseOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Well, things did not exactly happen that way.

I wanted to get to know Barney. I also did not think I could handle living in a house with someone who does not think that I am wonderful. I just couldn’t take that. So I thought I would try to win him over with a few Ideas that I learned over the years from watching television. I would simply do the things I have seen others do with their dogs. I thought my logic was sound and calculated. I mean, I learned it on TV. How could this possibly not be work?

I thought “Hey! Dogs love it you to pet them”

Barney does not care for people to pet him. He is not necessarily objectionable to it. He just doesn’t seem to give a damn one way or the other. I have pet other dogs before and they would go into an amazing display of pleasure and appreciation. Barney is completely unmoved by any affection whatsoever. It is strange. It’s as if he is completely unaware that it is happening. I was clearly not going to win him over this way.

I thought “Hey! Dogs like to be walked.”

I came home one day from work with this new idea. I couldn’t wait to get home and put that leash on him. It was win, win. I would get some extra exercise, while at the same time; I would be able to add another life form to the list of people who love me column.

Barney does not have the brain power to walk with a leash around his neck. All he wants to do is chew on the leash lanyard until he gets tangled up in it, or he will bark at everything that moves and desperately try to eat them. It is nothing but a pain in the ass to walk that dog.

I thought “Hey! Dogs like to fetch”

I was out in the backyard one day taking Barney out for an opportunity to do what I call “The S&Pee Show” He finished and then I saw a tennis ball. I threw it and he went charging after it, and then, the unthinkable happened.

He actually brought it back, and dropped it at my feet. I was blown away. I couldn’t believe that this dog wanted to do something that involved someone other than himself. Wow! This went on and on. I went and got my wife and said “Darlin you have got to see this!” she came out and was so happy to see me interacting with this dog.

I would come home from work every day, thinking only of the game I could now play with my new friend. This went on for weeks. I would come in and walk right by my wife without even giving her a hug, because me, and Barney had to play. He actually was excited to see me and would run to the door in anticipation our special game we would play. But then one day he just stopped bringing the ball back.

From that day, until even twenty minutes ago, what was at one time our special game now goes like this; I will throw the tennis ball and Barney will run after it. He will pick it up and run back and drop it in the bushes thirty feet from me. He may or may not decide to pee on it and then he runs around as if I am not even there.

Barney runs around the backyard unaware seemingly unaware that I am there. He will eat devil doganything that he can fit is mouth around, like sticks, weeds, bugs, flowers, lumber scraps, and once I stopped him from eating a toad. (So gross)

He always wants to go outside, and he can’t do it by himself. He doesn’t want to interact with me, but I absolutely must be there. I don’t know why. He does his own thing the whole time.

Recently I was out there with him and he brought me his old tennis ball and dropped at my feet. I took the bait and threw it. He went running after it and I will be damned if he didn’t drop it thirty feet from me and piss on it. I could only interpret that as his way of saying “F U Tom. You just sit there and wait for me to take my dump, and then I will let you take me back inside”

Inside the house he seems to have developed a taste for furniture, like sofas, pillows, socks, hats, or power cords. I think he might have stopped on the power cords because the last one he chewed on was to a lamp. I think he must have received a 120 volt equivalent of a rolled up newspaper. Here is some of his handy work.

There are those who might think me a bastard. I know, I know, but there are other people who do not love me the way you do. At the risk of expanding the list, I regretfully have to say, after 6 months, I will admit, in a weird way I do love him, but I don’t like him. I wish I did, and i try to, but I can’t as of yet.

So basically, I have a new pain in my ass. I make sure that this pain is well fed, cared for, and treated like a member of my family. I don’t regret my decision to get Barney because I did it for my wife. My wife doesn’t read everything I write so my hope is that I will get away with this post, without any drama.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

***Attention Readers*****

While i was finishing this post, my wife was sitting two feet from me trying to learn how to play “Freebird” on her ukulele. I just did not have the patience to thoroughly check for any gramatical errors sorry

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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