Man’s Best Friend, or The Spawn of Satan?

barney bannerFor years, I told my wife Yvonne, that we would under no circumstances be getting a dog. I explained to her that I could not understand why anyone would be willing to share their home with an animal. She in turn said “then you will never get a PS3 game console” I thought “oooohh don’t throw me in the briar patch Brer Rabbit” I did not even want a PS3. So I said “Fair enough”

meet barneyYears later, Yvonne was going through a tough time and she felt that the companionship of a dog would be a benefit to her. As it happens I am a weak, and easy to manipulate spouse. I agreed, even though I was not happy about it.

Yvonne was so moved  at my decision to make myself miserable that she named the dog after my favorite character from my all-time favorite TV show, “The Andy Griffith Show” Our dog is named Barney, after “Barney Fife” (it feels weird saying our dog.)

I remember the first time I ever saw Barney. He was cute and happy. I was, for a short time, very happy with my decision to allow this beast to live amongst us within the boundaries of my domicile. My wife thought he was the greatest thing that she’d ever seen. I was so happy to see my her loving that dog; I’ll bet if he were to drop a load on the floor of my den, I would not have even gotten mad. There was a euphoric canine aura around my family.

I was a hero. I, Tom Nardone had, with the approving wave of my hand, brought happiness to my kingdom. I and I alone lifted the veil of sadness that had been hovering over all of us like a black cloud of hopelessness and depression. From here on out, when I came home from work, I would hear the welcoming sound of trumpets playing as I, the bringer of all things that are magnificent, entered the gate of my castle. I even built him a dog houseOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Well, things did not exactly happen that way.

I wanted to get to know Barney. I also did not think I could handle living in a house with someone who does not think that I am wonderful. I just couldn’t take that. So I thought I would try to win him over with a few Ideas that I learned over the years from watching television. I would simply do the things I have seen others do with their dogs. I thought my logic was sound and calculated. I mean, I learned it on TV. How could this possibly not be work?

I thought “Hey! Dogs love it you to pet them”

Barney does not care for people to pet him. He is not necessarily objectionable to it. He just doesn’t seem to give a damn one way or the other. I have pet other dogs before and they would go into an amazing display of pleasure and appreciation. Barney is completely unmoved by any affection whatsoever. It is strange. It’s as if he is completely unaware that it is happening. I was clearly not going to win him over this way.

I thought “Hey! Dogs like to be walked.”

I came home one day from work with this new idea. I couldn’t wait to get home and put that leash on him. It was win, win. I would get some extra exercise, while at the same time; I would be able to add another life form to the list of people who love me column.

Barney does not have the brain power to walk with a leash around his neck. All he wants to do is chew on the leash lanyard until he gets tangled up in it, or he will bark at everything that moves and desperately try to eat them. It is nothing but a pain in the ass to walk that dog.

I thought “Hey! Dogs like to fetch”

I was out in the backyard one day taking Barney out for an opportunity to do what I call “The S&Pee Show” He finished and then I saw a tennis ball. I threw it and he went charging after it, and then, the unthinkable happened.

He actually brought it back, and dropped it at my feet. I was blown away. I couldn’t believe that this dog wanted to do something that involved someone other than himself. Wow! This went on and on. I went and got my wife and said “Darlin you have got to see this!” she came out and was so happy to see me interacting with this dog.

I would come home from work every day, thinking only of the game I could now play with my new friend. This went on for weeks. I would come in and walk right by my wife without even giving her a hug, because me, and Barney had to play. He actually was excited to see me and would run to the door in anticipation our special game we would play. But then one day he just stopped bringing the ball back.

From that day, until even twenty minutes ago, what was at one time our special game now goes like this; I will throw the tennis ball and Barney will run after it. He will pick it up and run back and drop it in the bushes thirty feet from me. He may or may not decide to pee on it and then he runs around as if I am not even there.

Barney runs around the backyard unaware seemingly unaware that I am there. He will eat devil doganything that he can fit is mouth around, like sticks, weeds, bugs, flowers, lumber scraps, and once I stopped him from eating a toad. (So gross)

He always wants to go outside, and he can’t do it by himself. He doesn’t want to interact with me, but I absolutely must be there. I don’t know why. He does his own thing the whole time.

Recently I was out there with him and he brought me his old tennis ball and dropped at my feet. I took the bait and threw it. He went running after it and I will be damned if he didn’t drop it thirty feet from me and piss on it. I could only interpret that as his way of saying “F U Tom. You just sit there and wait for me to take my dump, and then I will let you take me back inside”

Inside the house he seems to have developed a taste for furniture, like sofas, pillows, socks, hats, or power cords. I think he might have stopped on the power cords because the last one he chewed on was to a lamp. I think he must have received a 120 volt equivalent of a rolled up newspaper. Here is some of his handy work.

There are those who might think me a bastard. I know, I know, but there are other people who do not love me the way you do. At the risk of expanding the list, I regretfully have to say, after 6 months, I will admit, in a weird way I do love him, but I don’t like him. I wish I did, and i try to, but I can’t as of yet.

So basically, I have a new pain in my ass. I make sure that this pain is well fed, cared for, and treated like a member of my family. I don’t regret my decision to get Barney because I did it for my wife. My wife doesn’t read everything I write so my hope is that I will get away with this post, without any drama.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

***Attention Readers*****

While i was finishing this post, my wife was sitting two feet from me trying to learn how to play “Freebird” on her ukulele. I just did not have the patience to thoroughly check for any gramatical errors sorry

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on LinkedInEmail this to someone

Telemarketers, I Am Begging You All. Come Back!!

 

tommyIt doesn’t happen so much anymore. Telemarketers calling you at your home at night between 6pm-9pm, asking for you to join something, or buy something. I can’t begin to describe how much I miss that.

I know many of you find that odd. I would say to you that your attitude toward it is flawed. I believe that the world is a stage, and when that phone would ring, it was like the lights going out, the curtain rolls up and the music ques for “The Tom Nardone Show”

In my entire life, I have never heard a more beautiful sound than that, of my own voice. A sales call was a chance for me to really showcase my awesomeness to a brand new, unsuspecting member of my global audience. I can say anything I can be anyone. It is like a trip back through a childhood make believe wonderland.

Description unavailable

These days it seems that computers do all the work. Machines  call my house with a pre-recorded message. That really is a shame because telemarketers were in my opinion, an untapped source of entertainment.

I did realize that these people were human beings, and they are just trying to support their families. I am also aware that their lives hold a greater purpose than to provide me with entertaining anecdotes, however I work for 8 hours a day.

BUT….To be fair to my family and friends, when I come home from work, I have a very low tolerance for bullshit. I refuse to allow it in my presence.

If I wont take it from my own friends and family, then there is no way in Hell I’m going to allow some stranger to get away with it? SHIT NO! Because I am Tom Nardone, and I am Awesome, and I respect my friends ans family. It is all of them that I will use to justify my assholistic behavior. So now I will present to you “The Tom Nardone Show”

The following are some real life examples of things I have said to real telemarketers.

Olan Mills Photography Studios 

Ring………….Ring…………..Ring
TOM: Hello.
Olan Mills: Yes, is this Mr. Nardone?
TOM: Yes it is.
Olan Mills: Hi Mr. Nardone this is Rachel at Olan Mills Photo Studios, how are you tonight?

Family Photo, Anchorage, AK
TOM: I am wonderful Rachel. How are you?
Olan Mills: I’m fine, Thanks
TOM: what can I do for you?
Olan Mills: We would like to invite you and your family to come down and have a free family portrait taken, with no obligation to buy, and just for coming in you’llreceive a free 5×8 picture at absolutely no cost to you. How does that sound?

TOM: Well Rachel, first off, It was very nice of you to take the time to include my family in what seems to be a pretty amazing opportunity, but my uncle is a photographer, with National Geographic, and he takes all our pictures.
Olan Mills: Wow, National Geographic, I’ll bet you have beautiful family pictures
TOM:Yes they are beautiful. I would go so far as to say they are almost perfect.The only real issue I have with them is that my brother is very insistant that my whole family be photographed naked while squating around a camp fire.

Olan Mills:HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA

Tom: CLICK

I really felt that she was a nice girl. I was not in a bad mood, and i thought that this would give her a nice story to go home and tell her family about. Everybody won and no one was upset in any way. It was a true thing of beauty.

ADT Security Systems

Ring………….Ring…………..Ringburglar tom
TOM: Hello.
ADT: Yes, is this Mr. Nardone?
TOM:Yes it is.
ADT: Hi Mr. Nardone this is Bob at ADT, how are you tonight?
TOM: I am wonderful Bob. How are you?
ADT: I’m fine, Thanks
TOM: what can I do for you?
ADT: I just wanted to call and let you know we will be in your area talking to your neighbors about home security systems. What would be a good time to come by and see you
TOM: Bob I really appreciate the call, but to have one of your security alarms would really present a conflict of interest  for me
ADT: How is that Mr. Nardone?
TOM: I have spent the last 6 years as a professional burglar and as a burglar I don’t think it would be fair to put my self in a position of security, while at the same time depriving others from the same piece of mind that I would be receiving,  But Hey! Let me ask you this. Are you hiring installers? I can think of nothing I could do that would more effectively prepare me than to sharpen my skills, While learning the ins and outs of your security system.
ADT: Sir you are talking about breaking and entering. That is against the law. No. We would not want you as one of our installers

TOM:Bob it sounds like you are judging me. Yes it sounds like you take issue with the way I choose to make my living.

ADT: Well sir, what you do is illegal

TOM: OK  Bob, Point taken. If I am hearing you right, You feel that what I do is illegal. Maybe you think what I do is a disruption to the lives of our community, causing them  to go through an agonizing experience that no one should have to endure. That is what I don’t understand. You are also involved in an illegal act. When you called it was five minutes after the 9:00pm when telemarketers are supposed to cease all calling. I did not judge you for that.

ADT: Uh sir don….(Tom interupts)

Wait Bob. it sounds like both of us have been living our lives in the shadows. We have both been collecting paychecks for causing so many people so much pain. I have an idea, but it is going to require a really big commitment on your part. I put down my crowbar and you put down you phone. Yah that’s what I am saying, I think both of us should quit our jobs. What do you say Bob? Let’s both of us, starting tomorrow, and really make an effort to walk the straight and narrow. Are you with me?

ADT: Shithead!! Click

This was something that I fear I will never again get to experience. I will miss those annoying bastards. I would ask you all to resist the temptation to call me, posing as one of these people. I know your heart is in the right place, but it just wouldnt be the same

I am Tom Nardone, and You Are Welcome!

Related articles

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on LinkedInEmail this to someone

ADHD | You Will Find What You Look For.

Tom-Nardone-ADHD-monk

There is much written on ADD/ADHD.  They also almost always address ADHD as a problem, and a problem only. I feel by doing this they are scaring and misinforming their readers.

Many of these articles are written by doctors. Doctors are used to treating problems, so I guess it would stand to reason that they should write about ADHD in that context. There are two types of people who write these articles; Doctors and those with ADHD. I think most people feel better reading something written by a doctor, rather than by someone with ADHD. Because if a doctor said it, then it can’t be wrong. Don’t kid yourself. Believe it or not, sometimes doctors are wrong. They are only human, and while doctor written articles can be informative, and important, they are seldom inspiring. So, as long as you are here, allow me to inspire you.

So, your or loved one is messy and leaves their shit lying around all over the place. People like to quote Albert Einstein who said “A messy desk is a sign of a genius.” Well, I never met Albert Einstein myself. He could have been a giant asshole for all I know. While I may me every bit the asshole that Al was, I speak and write in English so listen-up.

 When you see a beautiful mural painted by an artist, you can respond in two ways. You can marvel at its beauty, OR you can bitch about the mess that was made in the process. I suppose if i had a choice to live in a messy world full of art, or a clean world with no art. My vote is for the mess. You would vote for the mess too.

Oh yes ADHD people daydream. So what about daydreaming? Is it necessarily a bad thing all of a sudden for someone to have an active imagination or a creative mind? When is an appropriate time to come up with kickass ideas? There is no appropriate time. Awesomeness does not indulge anyone’s schedule. It calls when it calls. You can answer the call or you can worry about the petty bullshit you are expected to do.

Daydreaming is often mentioned with kids in school. My question is this: Is it a teachers job to teach the class? of course it is. To simply stand up and read the lesson plan each week as you count down the days until you get to spread your ass out on the couch and get paid all summer might be fun, but is is not teaching. Ask your son or daughter to explain to you, everything they learned in school on a particular day. Perhaps they couldn’t tell you anything about it. HA!, Ask them to tell you about a video game they play. See what takes longer. I’m sure some teachers feel better believing that. The truth is that ADHD people have trouble paying attention to things that are not interesting to them.

Yes, children with ADHD blurt out whatever they might be thinking. I would rather know what is on my kid’s mind, rather than wonder. That beats the absolute shit out of trying to pry information from them. Parents of ADHD kids will truly know who their child is as a result of this. While their outbursts might not be appropriate sometimes, they will always be entertaining. Parents do have to police the actions of their kids as they should. Try embracing their words rather than correcting them for not following the regimented guidelines held in high regard by the rest of the herd . You can either NO your child or you can KNOW your child.

So, your loved one is Hyper-Sensitive. I really fail to see a downside to this. Parents with ADHD kids know better than anyone; some kids are mean little bastards. You should get down on your hands and knees and thank God for your child’s “Over-sensitivity” I spent years in school being picked on. My fellow students seemed to enjoy picking on me more than recess. My entire elementary career was an absolute daily hell. I would rather not ever believe that a child of mine was inflicting that same pain on another child. Why chastise their empathy for others? Is the world not currently a shitty enough place for you?

You have a choice. You can decide that you or your loved one has a problem that will complicate their life. You can constantly remind them that they have some handicap that prevents them from being more than they are. You can continue feeling sorry for them, crying for them, or wishing they were not the way they are, thereby reinforcing the stigma that so many others have drilled into their heads there whole life. You can deny them medication because you are worried about what the other asshole parents will think about your parenting skills.

OR

You could have a backbone, and tell your friends, your piers, your family, or anyone else who believes them less than what they are to just go to hell. You can stand up and be a proud and supportive parent, husband, wife, Mom, or Dad. You can realize,  “The Fleas come with the dog”. If you believe them inferior, they will believe it too.  You can realize that you are fortunate to have someone that will never fall into the cookie cutter mentality the world seems to embrace. You can stand up and be proud to be with some one who is not just another rank-and-file Normal Person. Personally the last thing on earth I ever want to be is normal. I would never teach my child to be so.

You will find what you look for. SO DON’T LOOK FOR A TURD!

I think ADHD People are, in many ways, what others are afraid to be. Some normal people don’t want to change out of their pajamas to go to the store, but they do. Some normal people want to tell other people what they think, or how they feel, but they don’t. They sit there quietly worrying about what others might think. They are afraid to be who they are.

Those of us with ADHD will go down our own path. We will eventually get down life’s highway, but we will stop at many exits where we will create moments, and have adventures, but nothing in life is worth doing, if it must be done alone or in the absence of the people we love and care for. So, your loved one has ADHD. I will give you the best advice that anyone could ever give you, and that is quite simply this.

“Enjoy the ride.”

I am Tom Nardone and You Are Welcome.

tomboy

  • You can join the I Am Tom Nardone Facebook Group by clicking HERE. or ADHDpeople.net Here
  • Or you can enter you email address at the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME”
  • Or you could risk never hearing from me again and go through life without the benefit of my counsel, but what would be the
  • Twitter @tomnardonehere or @adhdpeople
Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on LinkedInEmail this to someone

Two Weeks Notice? HELL NO!

Two Weeks Notice ? HELL NO!! 


Tom-nardone-two-weeks-notice-1-free-clipartWe have all heard of the two weeks notice. There is an idea in this country that when you decide to leave a job, “The right thing to do” is to notify your current employer with a two weeks notice in advance. Of course we all understand that you are vital to your company’s future. If you were you to leave suddenly, things would be difficult for them. How difficult would they be? Imagine…. if you were to leave your job.Tom-nardone-two-weeks-notice-2-free-clipart

Do this for me. Close your eyes…wait, wait, wait. Don’t close your eyes. I forgot you were reading. Just ask yourself which of the following two scenarios sound the most reasonable, and be honest, I would ask that you take this seriously.

Dissatisfied with your current job, you have finally found another one. They needed you to start immediately. Realizing that you cannot give a two weeks notice, you enter your current boss’s office and tell him you are leaving.

Upon your letting your employer know you are leaving, a chaotic whirlwind, capable of ripping your companies heart and soul begins. It takes over and aims to destroy the very spirit of their core values. Black clouds roll in with no regard for the tears being shed by every member of the board of directors. This ungodly terror rips in, and pierces the very walls of the cooperate fat cat’s’ over-furnished, cigar smelling offices. They tremble  in the wake of a colossal Shit-storm.  No amount of money, no attorney, and no sacrifice; blood or otherwise, can appease the cooperate gods or satisfy their hunger. Everyone (except you) will go swirling down a financial vortex of whatever might be left of what was once a mighty corporate powerhouse.

Inevitably, this company, in the span of 24 hours, has perished. Hopes are gone. Dreams are lost. A staple in our economy is dead.

Tom-nardone-two-weeks-notice-3-free-clipart

but don’t you worry. You’re gonna be OK.

You could have prevented this, yes you could have saved everyone. You could have circumvented all this suffering. You neglected to do the only thing that could have saved this multi-million dollar corporation, and you withheld it. My my my, you could have given a two weeks notice. I hope you remember this one day on your way to HELL!!!!!

orthe Two weeks notice scenario

You enter your boss’s office and tell him you are leaving, and less than a week later, The company you once believed only floated as a result of your efforts is doing just fine without you.  It would be just as if you were never there. You will be a memory, and nothing more.

Tom-nardone-two-weeks-notice-6-free-clipartI know a lot of you would like to think that option A best describes your situation. Maybe it does, but I don’t believe most of us can make that claim.

Leaving a two weeks notice is all well and good for them. Doing that does not seem to serve me in any way, and of course in the end, it is all about me, and it’s all about you.

I have quit a lot of jobs. Some jobs I have left two weeks notice and some I have not. If I am not needed right away I am happy to leave a two weeks notice. If I am needed right away, then my current employer can go hump a stump.

I have also been fired from a lot of jobs. I don’t understand why the employees of America are held to a higher standard of ethics than that of “Corporate America”. In all the times that I have been fired no one ever came over and said “Hey Tom there is not a problem here today, but two weeks from today,  you can consider yourself shit-canned.”

No. It never did happen that way. It was always one of two ways;

It was either “Hey Tom, listen man, I am sorry to tell you this, but we have not been getting as many orders as we counted on so we just aren’t going to be able to keep you on the payroll. I really am sorry. You did a good job and we will call you if we need you back, but we have to let you go.”or they would just say  “TOM, GET YOUR SHIT, AND GET THE F%#@ OUT OF MY BUILDING! RIGHT NOW YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!!!!”  (true story)

When you get fired you have no income, no insurance, no security, no peace of mind, and no idea what you are going to do. And men, you know this if you weren’t already thinking it. You are not getting laid either. Just forget about that. Your wife is going to do nothing but talk and ask questions every waking moment of every day until you get shit back in order.(apparently that is our duty)

What I am saying is if you can leave a two weeks notice, and you want to leave a two weeks notice, do it. If you don’t want to leave a two weeks notice, than you should feel free to leave them high and dry, the same way, they would leave you, and have left me. If you feel guilty then justify it on my behalf. You look them right in the eye and you say. “I quit damn it and you can consider my departure on equal footing with the middle finger of Tom Nardone, sticking in you face.” Feel free to use me to appease your guilty conscience.

Maybe a compromise is best. Call them on the phone and say ”Hello this is Tom Nardone. I’m calling to leave you my two weeks notice.

Yah, I want you to Notice that even though you keep putting my name on the schedule, I won’t be coming in to work.”

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

  • tom-nardone-public-restrooms--free-clipartYou can join the I Am Tom Nardone Facebook Group by clicking HERE. or ADHDpeople.net Here
  • Or you can enter you email address at the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME” 
  • Or you could risk never hearing from me again and go through life without the benefit of my counsel, but what would be the fun in that
Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on LinkedInEmail this to someone