The Family Outing. Hell Has Relocated!

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By Tom Nardone

Mankind, over the course of thousands of years, has been coming up with new and innovative ways to make life better, or rather, more comfortable. We have gone from caves to tents, to cabins, to houses. If you think about it everything we buy is for the purpose of our survival, protection, comfort, or entertainment. Why in the Hell would we abandon these achievements. ***WARNING, Swear words ahead!***

Camping is among the biggest bunch of bullshit ideas that I have ever heard of. I cannot for the life of me, understand why anyone would find it fun to pack up a bunch of stuff and go live outside without all the things they have worked so hard for, such as; air conditioning, microwave ovens, TV, indoor plumbing, or their computers.

I guess at some point a group of people get together and start making plans for all of them to get together, and do something really special. Then, some asshole says “Yahhhhh hey lets go camping” I will admit that is that it really does sound like a great idea. It sounds like a nice little adventure. It sounds like a nice little change of scenery. Well let me give you some insight.

It Is Not!

I know that I am on record as not being one for the outdoors. I proudly admit to being agoraphobic slave to my chair and my laptop, but I have been camping a few times, and I happen to be an expert on bullshit. There is perhaps no one in the world more qualified to outline the heartbreaking, light snuffing, soul stealing, pain in the ass that is camping. I will now present my case.

We will take a one day camping trip; Just a typical 24hr hike through Hell’s colon. No need to worry I am Tom Nardone, and I will be your guide.

6:00are – It is time to get up and get ready. The day we have planned for is finally here. It is time to get up and take everything that makes us comfortable as human beings and load it into our car, so we can take in with us on our magical journey to the woods.

8:00am – We arrive. Things are a little better because now our friends are here with us and we realize that we will not have to suffer alone. Misery loves company.

9:00am – we find the site where we will camp and now we have to figure out how to watch and discipline our kids while at the same time putting our tent up. The instructions are long gone and we will be lucky if we can even find all the parts to the damn thing. We also have to put the tent up with one hand because the other hand is far too busy killing mosquitoes.

11:00am – The campsite is up, and after a wonderful morning of packing, driving, working, sweating, and killing bugs, I finally get to rest. Uhhhhh No I don’t. You know why? Yes, because the kids are hungry. OK lets fire up the grill! After all, it is only 92°F how much worse can it get. Well since human beings are not the only life forms who eat, every fly, bee, and insect will be joining you. You have to figure out how to avoid flies, hold a paper plate, and eat at the same time, and that is bullshit.

12:30pm Well lunch is over, so what is next to do on Satan’s honey-do list. You can’t relax. It is 96°F, it is humid, there are bugs, and let us not forget the biggest pests we know. Yes I mean the kids. Because God bless them, they are bored, and we just can’t have that. Can we? Our kids who begged and begged for this nightmare to come true are now bored.

1:30pm – You are feeling pretty smart. You had a wonderful idea. You thought you could take these kids fishing. You are a genius, except that you are not. You will not have a moment’s peace. The only thing you will catch while fishing, are the fresh contents of the can of Hell you just opened. They will expect to catch a fish within the first forty five seconds, and will ask you a million questions, until all you can hope for is that one of them will shit their pants, and close this chapter of the new book you bought from the Hells best seller list.

3:00pm – At this point you will be thinking of excuses to abort the mission. What could you possibly do to avoid this any further. You can’t think of anything rational to convince your wife to deprive the children of their adventure. You will then think of the irrational. You think “I am a 42 year old male. What if I were to just talk about a stomach ache and then wait ten or fifteen minutes and then just shit my pants? The ride home would be miserable, but would it be worse” That won’t work though because you just went after lunch

6:30pm – It is time for dinner, but forget the ease and convenience of the grill. In the spirit of camping there has to be a camp fire. So now you have to find dry would and build a fire. You also have to find sticks that will be suitable for hotdogs to hover over the fire. Then come the marshmallows. You know that the only real purpose of a marshmallow is to hold it over a campfire and then watch it cool and then eat it.

8:00pm – Thank God, it is time for bed, but don’t thank him too soon. The bugs, spiders, snakes, and skunks do not have a bed time. You get to lie in your tent and try to sleep knowing that outside lurks the wilderness. You will try to sleep in that fear, the lingering heat, and the humidity that, will without mercy, continue to whip your ass throughout the entire night as you try to sleep.

12:00am – it has been four hours. Everyone is asleep, but you. You will think about all the comforts waiting for you at home. Your chair how perfect it is, and how lonely it must be without your ass planted firmly in it.

2:25am – Is this Hell?

3:18am – how can they be sleeping?

3:27am – I wonder if anyone is reading my blog right now?

3:51am – I wonder how many stitches it took to put this tent together.

4:00am – is there enough oxygen in this tent?

5:00am – FUCK ……THIS……SHIT!!!!!!!!

Hell enters the campsite

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! WAKE UP FAMILY THIS FUNFILLED ROLLER COASTER OF AGONY AND WOE IS SADLY COME TO A CLOSE. COME ON KIDS GET UP! GET UP! GET UP! WE GOTTA HIT THE ROAD. COME ON LETS DO THIS BITCH! WE GOTTA GO! WHAT? DID YOU JUST SAY THE WORD BREAKFAST?  NOOOOO! FUCK THAT SHIT JIMMY, YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN YOUR ASS OUT OF BED BEFORE 5 AM IF YOU WANTED BREAKFAST WE WILL EAT WHEN WE REJOIN CIVILIZATION. PACK IT UP LETS GO GOD DAMN IT ALL WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL MEEEEEEEEEE!”

At this point your wife will calm you down and help you see clearly. You will take a moment to explain to your 8 year old son Jimmy that you are sorry for swearing at him and that you will make him any breakfast he wants when you get home.

6:05am – Not a word is spoken on the way home

8:00pm – You will most likely be the only one who is involved in the unpacking of the car. That is OK because you are finished with a very shitty part of your life. Your family will think twice before they ever burden you with another request like that again. The trip is over.

OK, now I don’t think there is anything left to say so I will be brief. Go back through this and you will see that everything that angered this man was a result of the absence of something that men spent years and years developing and perfecting so that we would not have to shit our pants or kill ourselves in order to avoid.

I value their struggle and appreciate their vision. I have no desire to live in a fictitious world where I pretend that they never even existed.

I will honor the ancient Egyptians, who are credited with inventing the chair

I will honor men like Willis Carrier, who invented the air conditioner so that we no longer have to marinate in our own perspiration while sitting in our homes.

I will honor men like Philo Farnsworth and Charles Jenkins who invented the television. They did this, because what would be the point of having electricity without TV.

I will honor men like John Crapper, for inventing indoor plumbing, so that when I go number two, the whole house does not have to know it.

These people had my best interests in mind many years ago and I will honor them with my ass in my chair, a clicker in my hand, and a dry comfortable body which will emit no odor that would offend my friends or family.

These men slaved so that you could be comfortable, but you go enjoy your camping trip. I personally do not feel the need to symbolically kick these men in the nuts. It just doesn’t sound like a good idea to me any longer.

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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