The Wolves Are At the Gate!!

by Tom Nardone

by Tom Nardone

My son, Brett is 18 now and while he is becoming a fine young man there is one thing I seem to be having trouble making him understand; locking the damn door. I told him I could give a damn about his car, but my house must be locked. I am ADD and I forget many things. I don’t ever forget to lock up my house. Continue reading

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Calling In Sick |Do You Have What it Takes to Play at This Level?

by Tom Nardone

by Tom Nardone

In America, most of us have the burden of a job, where we work five days a week. We typically work an 8-hour day. Sometimes the life we live does not synchronize with our work schedule. We have to make a decision at this point. We must decide what is more important. Do we just accept that we must work, or risk calling in sick.

We find ourselves calling in sick for many circumstances. I am not here to judge or to tell you it is wrong. You know your job. You know its demands. You know whether they can go a day without you. I would like to go on the record as saying calling in sick by lying about family members dying; this makes you an asshole. Don’t do it. I will be ashamed of you.

My purpose is to help you avoid some rookie mistakes while you are trying to sell this lie.

Calling-in -sick

 

Calling In Sick | You Have Got to Sell It!


Over-explaining
– Only the guilty explain everything. They will constantly go on, on, and on, about what happened, and why they were unable to get to work. They do this because they are concerned that the lie they chose, was not good enough. They will jump too quickly at the chance to make sure that their story was believed. When a person is telling the truth, they just don’t care if there story is believed. They don’t even consider the fact that anyone might think they are lying.

Saying that you are strandedDO NOT EVER do this unless it you are stranded. You never know if your supervisor will be worried enough about you or need you bad enough to come and pick you up or to send someone after you. There will be no way out of this. You Are Screwed! Because you are home, so where are you going to tell them to come get you?

Altering your voice – If you are going to alter your voice then make sure that whatever your voice is being alter for makes sense. If you have a back injury you do not have to pretend your back is, actually giving you pain at that exact moment you are calling. If you are saying that you have the flu or a clod, you do not have to cough into the phone while you are talking. If you have laryngitis, then you will obviously alter your voice

Your spouse is sick – You…Are…An…Idiot. If that is the best, you got then you just don’t have the brains to play at this level. Go to work. You Sir or Ma’am are lucky to have this job

You Don’t have a ride to work –This is also a shitty reason for call in because they can always offer you a ride to work. If you use this and they do offer you the ride, thank them, and take it. Cut your losses and enjoy a free ride to work. If you magically discover an alternate way to work on your own, then they will know you were lying to them. This is lose lose. Your boss will think you are a dirt-bag, and you still had to work.

Other blunders

  • If you are calling in sick saying that, you have some terrible illness, then don’t come in the next day laughing joking around. You started a story so don’t forget that you are a character in this story, and characters must stay in character.
  • I would not feel the need to mention this but I have seen it happen. Do not find yourself calling in sick on a Friday, and then go in to pick up your paycheck that same day. (Yes, I have seen this)
  • Also, do not say you are on the toilet, and are having troubles there. This is a very popular story and you will not be believed. If it happens, you are in truth on the toilet and unable to get off, you should just make up a lie. Others before you have rendered your problem unbelievable.
  • calling in sick and then going to the lake. If you do then the jig will be up when they see the sunburn on your face. Nobody is sunburned while they were home sick. (I knew a clown that did this)

OK these are the most common rookie mistakes. You don’t want to find yourself in any of these scenarios. I hope those of you who this applies too will really study these items. It might save your job.

Now it is time to talk about how the pros do it. This is the calling in sick encyclopedia of awesomeness. This is doing it Tom Nardone style. My focus was going to be just identifying the mistakes that people make when calling in sick

I would like to state for the record that I never had found myself fictitiously calling in sick to my current job

Doctors note

When calling in sick, weather you are sick or not, go to the doctor. Go to “Doctors Care” or whatever half-assed doctor’s office is near you that day or the day before and just get a stupid doctors note. It will cost you nothing more than 15 to 25 dollar co-pay. The Doctor’s note is irrefutable. Your supervisor sees this and says, “OK here is a Doctor’s note that reads Sherry Walker is advised not to work as she is having blah blah female problems. She should spend the rest of the day sewing”. Case closed, and more importantly, “Ass Covered” This is a winner. Be credible and be believable.

If you say you twisted your ankle, do not go to the Doctor. I don’t advise you ever use this one. This excuse is only for the truly committed. However, assuming you are hell-bent on being believed, and you do use the twisted your ankle story, pay attention. You have to accept that you will probably not be believed when you call. That is why this story has a second act. In act two, you go back to work, the next day, but you go back with an ace bandage wrapped around your foot and ankle. I would even recommend some crutches to really seal the deal. This will not only serve as a fine visual aide for all nonbelievers, It will also serve as a reminder for you not to forget what leg you are supposed to be limping on. Well now that you are in costume, it is time for the show to begin. You should get into this frame of mind before you even exit your car.

To Hell with a doctor’s note, your performance will trump any note from a thousand doctors. Your footsteps will reverberate as all the doubters feel your thunder. You shall mount up and ride through the front door upon your steed, even with crutch in hand. The horse upon which you ride will have many names: such as courage, liberty, credibility, and above all believability. As you charge in through the front door, they will see you in your glory and will never again doubt a word that echoes from your lips. You will blow past them all with a mighty and victorious fury. They shall tremble in the wake of your awesomeness. You will be as a hero, for you worried not, about anything but yourself, and for yourself you accepted nothing less than victory. You shall finish out the day and depart just as you arrived…..The Victor.

Calling in sick can get you fired. When you do it, you have two things to bear in mind. One, is that you probably need this job to support your family, and two is that you should not put your boss in a position to have to fire you. You are not lying just for yourself. You are lying for the benefit and well being of everybody involved.

This is no time for you to be selfish. There is a lot riding on your story so don’t just think of yourself. You need to have a great story so that you can have a nice carefree day not carrying the burden of fear that you could lose your job. This will ruin your day. Your boss might be a decent person. Give him or her, the satisfaction of knowing that it was only under the most extreme of circumstances that you even considered, not coming to work. Do not force him or her to make the hard choice, just because you were too lazy to properly prepare yourself to tell them what they needed to hear. Help them to feel good in your absence, as you did in theirs.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome

  • tomboyYou can join the I Am Tom Nardone Facebook Group by clicking HERE. or ADHDpeople.net Here
  • Or you can enter you email address at the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME” 
  • Or you could risk never hearing from me again and go through life without the benefit of my counsel, but what would be the 

IT WILL FEEL GREAT!!!

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Bees, Spiders, Snakes, and Bugs: I Quit, You Can Have the Damn Yard You Bastards.

BeeYard work is a bitch. I really don’t understand why people care so much about their yard. There is nothing about yard work that I find fun, interesting or rewarding. As it happens I have a very nice yard. My wife works hard and has worked hard to make it so. Yes, yes I help her. I have sent my step-son out there many times to cut the grass or clean up, or do the things that his mother might need help with, after all I am a man. Continue reading

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Brody Bricker Vol IV. | Late Night Swimming!!

The Adventures of: Brody Bricker

VOL. IV

Late Night Swimming


Brody Bricker was one of my best friends growing up. He lived to cause trouble. He would do anything to get a reaction out of someone. He had absolutely no conscience, and the only time I ever saw him smile, was after causing any kind of mayhem.

I have changed his name, the names of his victims, and the names of any businesses that might have suffered at the expense of his entertainment.

These are his stories

Ladies and Gentlemen, Brody Bricker Continue reading

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Attention Assholes, Please Don’t Masquerade As Decent People.

super

by Tom Nardone

This was a memorable Christmas eve for one asshole

Sometimes, around the holidays, you will hear people give a hollow showing of empathy towards those of us poor downtrodden assholes who are not fortunate enough to be off for the holidays. I know and appreciate that there are those who truly do feel for all of us, and think it a poor decision that we are made to work. There are also those that only pretend to feel that way. They cast there horseshit out to represent themselves so that the world will believe they give a shit. We have a word for these people. That word is “Asshole”. I am Tom Nardone, and I have taken on the burden to educate these people.

This past Christmas Eve, I was at the local Publix, getting some things that my wife said we could not do without. I gathered my things and then proceeded to the checkout line. There was a lady in front of me. She was buying several bottles of wine, some beer, a couple of those lunch meat platters, and a bunch of other things you would buy when you have a lot of company over. She seemed to be a very well off or like some lady who had never worked a day in her life. While we were in line I noticed the checkout guy had a wedding ring. I remember thinking “man he’s probably got a family that would rather have him at home.” I had just gotten off work so I guess that is how I justified my presence there.

Someone left and then it was the rich lady’s turn to load her items on the conveyer.  When she finished loading, she looked at this young man and said, in a very southern accent “I swear, I just cannot believe that they make you people come in and work today of all days.”

WHAT?

*****CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC*****

I am Tom Nardone. A decision to, do the right thing or to do nothing, has been placed before me. Should I let this person wander the earth being so consumed by her empty life that she is completely unaware of the fact that words have meaning? Can I in good conscience let her think that this kind of shit is acceptable to the good people of this country? Could I just stand there and let this poor bastard who needs his job too much to risk it by explaining shit to this idiot?  That would be No No and No. I will always answer a call for help because I have to wake up tomorrow and live with my decision. I am Tom Nardone and it is time to put the “AWE” in AWESOME.

*****CUE HEROIC MUSIC*****publix-super

I said to this lady, in a very calm and unthreatening tone of voice,

“Well ma’am, the reason they are open today is because people like you, are entertaining a bunch of winos who care more about guzzling down their white zinfandel, and getting blitzed than they do about a working man who is away from his family on Christmas Eve.” She said “Excuse me sir!!” I said “Yes Ma’am, you see, your presence in here today is creating a market, and an incentive for this store to be open. That is why you are able to come in here and buy more liquor to help your family get tanked on this most blessed day.” She said” My friends are not winos and who are you to talk to me like that. You are right behind me shopping today just like I am.” I said “Yes, but the difference is that I am not suppressing my guilt by offering a hollow apology to someone just because I believe they lack the intelligence to see through it. Do you really think this guy believes you think it is wrong for him to work today when you are in here having he ring you up?” She said “you better leave me alone!”

I did not say another word.

I don’t normally get involved in arguments with perfect strangers, particularly women. I afford them the highest respect. I was motivated to do it, because the poor bastard at the checkout register wanted to do it but couldn’t. When she left, the people behind me started laughing. The register guy was laughing, and of course so was I. I know I made what could have been a pretty simple event for this lady, turn into a very difficult one. I was not concerned about the inconvenience, or problems I gave this moron. I focused on all the laughs I gave a checkout guy who had to work on Christmas Eve. I hope when he got home and his wife asked him. ”Hey honey, how work was today?” I hope he said to her “Babe I missed you and the kids, but it was worth it. This this lady in my line said……”

The point is this. In the United States of America, Canada, England, and many other fine countries, it is your right to be an asshole. There are no asshole laws that I am aware of. This was not about “The Law” this was about right and wrong. Our forefathers died fighting for your right to be an asshole. That is your right. You should not be at all ashamed of it. Embrace that freedom, for it has been bestowed upon you.

I am not saying that it is right or wrong to shop on a holiday. If you are the person who would go all day without something you needed because it is a holiday, and you don’t want to be the one who is creating a marketplace for stores to stay open, then great. You are truly a person that lives what you believe. If you are a person who doesn’t care about anything except yourself, or whether a store is open or not, regardless of the day, then that is great too.

If you are going to be an asshole, then be one, but please don’t masquerade as a person who genuinely gives a shit. No one believes you when you empathize with them for their discomfort, while you are the one standing behind them drilling them in the ass.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

If you would like to be notified of future posts, You can follow me on facebook here.

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If you would like to be notified via email, then go to the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME”

IT WILL FEEL GREAT!!!

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The Bodily Function Police

Tom Nardone

People tell me that I sometimes look unhappy or angry about something. They think that I’m not happy. There seems to be no shortage of people in this world that feel the need to alter my mood and/or my actions

I don’t mind if one of my friends say “Hey Tom what’s wrong?”, or “Hey Tom are you alright?” I understand that they love me, and they want to see me happy. What I do mind is when people, friend or otherwise, simply tell me; “Smile!”, “cheer up!”, “it’s not that bad.”, or “how come you never smile?” That is what really gives me the red ass

This girl started at work a while back. She is a complete ditz that has been trading on her looks all her life. All of the guys at work are all (gaga) for her. I, on the other hand, am not. I do not give a shit what she looks like. I have nothing but contempt for such people. For days every time I would walk by her, she would tell me to smile, and for days I just let it go.

tom-nardone-2

She made the mistake of telling me, in her ditzy sweet voice, to smile one time too many. I felt it was time for this bullshit conversation to come to a conclusion.

Officer Ditz; Hey, why don’t you ever smile?”

Tom Nardone; This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I looked out the window, and watched my son, who was waiting for the school bus, pick up a stray puppy by it’s neck and stare into its’ eyes as he squeezed the life from it. So is it OK with you if I don’t smile today?”

Would you like to know what she said? She said the same thing you would say. NOTHING!! That is the only thing anyone says when told a story like that. This was beautiful. She looked at me and nodded her head almost violently, as if she hoped I was finished talking to her. She did not smile herself for the rest of the day.

I was pleased to see that the message got to her. My son did not really do this, but that doesn’t matter. I solved both of our problems. I don’t have to listen to any more of her bullshit, and she will definitely think twice before ever telling me to alter my facial expressions for the rest of our time together. I will be surprised if I ever have to listen to her speak to me again about anything.

tom-nardone-3

I used to have a job where I went in at 4am. One thing that everyone does who gets up that early in the morning is yawn. I don’t know why we yawn. It is just what we do. It is in no way offensive it is not rude. A yawn is one of the few bodily functions that have absolutely no enemies. Everybody loves a good yawn. That is, everyone except this one particular asshole. Just about every damned, morning this redneck, inbred, hillbilly, son of a bitch, would catch me in the act of one of my early morning yawns. He would always say “It’s too early to start that shit”

What the fuck does that even mean? I knew that I would have to help this man too. I was convinced that it was not ever going to end, and I knew that I was unwilling to stop yawning. I felt it was my duty as a caring coworker to help him to stop this douchebaggery that he was hopelessly a prisoner to. This was my solution.

Officer Hillbilly; It’s too early to start that shit”

Tom Nardone; Hey listen I am sorry about the random yawns every morning. It is obvious that you care about me, and you want to be involved with my bodily functions. I would like to extend you an invitation to join me this afternoon for one that I think you will really enjoy. I really think today is the best day for you to see this one, since I ate at El Sombreros last night and ordered the sampler platter. If you are free after lunch, please meet me in the men’s room I usually prefer stall #4. I think this is something you won’t want to miss.

He wasn’t pleased and he did decline my invitation. He never really spoke much to me after that, which to my mind was a huge win win. I wasn’t quite satisfied though. I would come in early and if I did not feel a yawn coming, then I would fake one. You should have seen the confusion on that dumb son of a bitches face.

tom-nardone-5I don’t think it is too much to ask that I be allowed to smile when I am happy, or yawn when I am tired. I will not tolerate assholes who wish to fuck with this. Just so we are clear if you tell me to smile, then yes, that alone, makes you an asshole.

You owe these people shit. Don’t waste your time explaining yourself to them. As fun as it might be, you don’t have to give them an elaborate explanation, like I did. There are other ways to help them. Sometimes just a short “Fuck You” is all it takes to get them on the proper path.

My body is my playground. All the toys and their functions are owned and operated by me, and any other person I grant access to. I decide what the rules are and I decide what toys are available to what person. I share them when, and if I feel like it. If you have a problem with this then you can to your playground.

If, while watching Spartacus, or Game of Thrones, there should be a sex scene and I feel the need to pause the show to take care of a sudden need, then I will do so. Only one person votes and that is me. I always win.

When I conclude my bathroom business, and it is time to do the paper work; I and I alone will make the decision to wipe from front to back or from back to front. It is my ass. It is my choice.

If while I am working outside on a hot July Day, and my ass begins to itch, then fell free to turn your head if you don’t want to watch the show, but this itch is going away right now.tom-nardone-1

I think that is enough examples

It is as if their lives are so empty inside that they must see me smile to fill some void. I am sorry if they have some hidden desire to live vicariously through me. They should go and live an abundant life where all they can seem to do is walk around and smile at every one they see, and when they get that figured out, maybe they will be in a better frame of mind to counsel the rest of the world with our facial expression problems.

These people have a sickness. They have an ailment and I have the cure. It is the only thing that I am aware of that will cures this disease every time it is administered. That is a dose of Tom Nardone. It’s the only thing I carry in my bag.

If I am not smiling, then maybe I am upset. If you are a friend of mine, then I don’t mind you trying to help me or inquire as to what you can do for me. I appreciate that kind of interaction. Sometimes knowing that someone cares is enough. Knowing that you have a friend who is there for you; can make the problem seem like a more fixable circumstance.

No one that gives a shit about you will tell you to be happy. People who do this, are every bit as much an asshole as someone who would fart in a parked car with the windows up.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.
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THE ULTIMATE HOME IMPROVEMENT

Tom Nardone

by Tom Nardone

Your first house; most of us remember the day we saw it. They day we sat in the lawyer’s office closing. We remember the day we first arrived, and for the first time pulled into our own driveway. This was what we worked for. It was another one of life’s milestones that we that we had reached. We thought about how beautiful we would make it. We looked past every imperfection, seeing them only as opportunities to make it better. We were so, careful as we moved in. “Don’t scuff the walls” or “Oh that goes here” we got everything just perfect, but shortly after the magic, we met the true identity of our home.

He was a monster and he required much of us. We were now his slaves for as long as we would own this prison.. This house that seduced us, and lured us in, with the hope of freedom, to live in a home of our own, was actually preparing our limbs to wear the shackles of life’s most concentrated, and pure forms of bullshit; “Home Ownership”.

YOUR HOUSE IS YOUR MASTER

Home improvements and repairs can make you feel you don’t own the house. The house owns you. You may not understand this yet, if you are in a new home owner, but you will. Yes! That house owns your ass, and it will eventually feel the need to establish its’ dominance over you. It will treat you like a nineteen dollar used blow up doll bought at a garage sale. Oh yes, you will feel its sting.

Your house is in cahoots with the government, the banks, the contractors, the insurance companies, and the police.

Your House is your master, and your master is at all times required to feel good. There is no negotiating this. Your master hates you, and the more you try to love it the more it will reveal its’ hatred for you. You decide one day, you want to install a new toilet. That is typical behavior for a good and obedient slave. Your intentions are good but when you begin to remove the toilet you realize that there was a leak where the toilet once was. So being a good sport you pull up the flooring only to discover that the sub-floor is rotting. You look up to the ceiling and your master says

“HA  HA  HA  that’s right slave. Make me new again. You will rue this day that ever tried to make your life more comfortable HA  HA  HA ”

You tried to serve you master, and he rewarded you by drilling you right in your fucking ass. The hardest thing to digest is the feeling that you walked in there and bent over for it.

Perhaps your master is bored one day and decides that it would like a brand new drainage system. Without warning

The Home Depot

your houses just clinches and backs up your plumbing. Or maybe it just busts the pipes and takes a shit in your crawl space.  It knows you know nothing of how to address this problem. So you drive to the local Home Depot, and hopefully talk with a kick-ass human being who knows his shit. Tom Nardone will explain to you exactly what you need, and what to do. Well your house is not worried because it knows that you will be working in the crawl space.

Your master uses the crawl space to indiscriminately allow all the fucking hooligans of nature to bed down, and have sex and multiply at will. Your crawl space is in fact your homes anus, and it welcomes your attention there like the lonely sadist deviate that it is. You may in fact get this problem fixed but you will not relax for a moment. The fear of snakes, and spiders alone drain you of any enthusiasm you might have bullshitted yourself into having. You will take the smell with you into your home. It is lose lose.

Or maybe one day when you get home from working third shift, and go home to bed, you will wake up two hours later sweating your ass off.  You get up to adjust the AC, only to discover that is 85º. Your master just said

“ah ah ah get your ass out of bed, and fix my cooling system.”

You will just do it. Your house is well aware you will not be able to put up with the heat. Your day is now spent on the phone, in the attic, or outside. Even if you know how to fix it, your house has a deal with the AC people and the government where you cannot by the Freon or the parts for this unit without a license. That’s right drilled in the ass again.

YOU WILL FINANCE YOUR DISAPPOINTMENTS

Well ok you have been busy. You have worked hard and now it is all done. Your house has caused you to make so many improvements, that you are now happy again. You might even remark to your spouse upon their completion and say “Gosh honey, look at our wonderful home that we have built”; followed by a warm hug, and a smile.

All of a sudden the doorbell rings. You walk to the door thinking “who could that be?” You open the door and it is the tax assessor. It seems while you were improving your home the real estate market was kicking ass. You were making your home and your yard look amazing and now the value of your home has gone up. Yes all the money you spent has actually resulted in you paying more money for your home in taxes. I wish I could tell you that it ends there but it doesn’t. You now need more insurance and of course those rates have gone up too. Your home sensed your happiness, and therefore had to intercede.

Weeks later the dishwasher leaks into the house and destroys your hardwood floors. This time it is three thousand dollars damage. Well shit! You don’t have that much, so you decide to use your homeowners insurance that you have been paying on for years.

They come out and inspect and two days later, they inform you that you did not elect for the water damage add-on that nobody mentioned. Sorry, but you are not covered so they are not giving you shit. However, just for making a claim that they didn’t even pay, they are well within their rights to raise your rates, They do this because now they know you consider your policy as a means to actually protect yourself. Your master is a student of the game.

If you own something then, you are responsible for it. I think we all know that the secret to happiness in life is less responsibility.

If you do own a home, hopefully your master has not rendered you helpless with no escape. If your master has crippled you to a point that you have no viable options, then there is but one path to freedom.

Currently I would love to not be tied to my house. If I were somehow certain that no one would ever find out about it, I would only then take the following actions.

I would gather up all the pictures, computers, TV ’s, and clothes, and take them to a friend’s house far away.

Then I would come back one quiet Sunday evening while the family was away on a vacation. I would climb up on the roof and cut a hole in it. As I was taking a leak into the hole I would shout down to my master, and say:

tomfire “Well…. who is laughing now you son of a bitch? I have called you master for the last time. Do you see what I am holding in my other hand? This is the last thing I will ever give you for the rest of your soon to be over reign of terror. This is a Molotov Cocktail, and I will be serving you shortly. After you are burnt to the ground;I will come home, act surprised, and maybe even try to shed a tear for the nice firemen and policemen who will have failed to save you. I will cash the check that those motherfuckers at Nationwide denied me, and after you are reduced to nothing but ashes. I am coming back and I am going to burn your fucking ashes. I will have two hundred thousand dollars in my pocket and I will own the land where you once stood. The only thing it will cost me, is your life. I am going to curse the smoke that rises from your burning corpes, and if I see anybody here trying to buy parts for salvage I will destroy them right in front of their eyes. I will make damn sure they burn and find you in Hell. YOU HAVE DRILLED YOUR LAST ASS! HA   HA  HA  HA  HHA HH AHAHA!!!”

Since I lack the sack to go through with this all I can hope for is that some asshole that really hates me will go to my house and provide this service.

I have discussed this with several people in a less theatrical setting and I was surprised at the number of people who would enjoy watching their house burn.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

If you would like to be notified, and have quicker access to my brain, You can follow me on facebook here.

If you would like to be notified via email, then go to the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME”

IT WILL FEEL GREAT!!!

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Attention Creditors, I don’t Owe You, I Own You!

“Tommy, don’t ever buy anything with a credit card, or you will pay for it twice”  Tom Nardone Sr. (my father)
Tom Nardone

These are the words of my father. I heard his words and I heeded his words for many years. I got married and that changed pretty quickly. I told my now ex-wife one day that we wouldn’t be getting a credit card. We eventually did. It was not so bad though because we did not ever use it. Then it was a little here, a little there, then eventually, maxed out. Then it was more cards and then debt, shit, what the hell? We were in the fucking credit zone.

(Fast Forward) Sunday February 29th 2004. My wife left me. While that was a truly unexpected gift in and of itself, she did not take everything. She did take the money, the car, all of her miscellaneous bullshit, but she did leave me with the first and second mortgage, all of the credit card debt, and all the bills. Yes. I know. What a bitch.

I determined that things would have to change. I knew I would have to sell the house, and get an apartment.

It came time to pay all the bills. I was alone in the house one day. I sat down at the kitchen table and went through everything. Just for fun; I added up all the minimum amounts that I could get by with. When I realized how much I would need I just started laughing. I don’t mean a little giggle. It was full on fetal position on the kitchen floor laughter.

I got up off the kitchen floor, and I went out and bought a new laptop. I cannot tell you how good that felt. I decided that nobody gets paid except me. I remember thinking to myself, hell maybe they won’t even care. I was wrong. Apparently there are people who will call you when you don’t pay your bills.

Many of you have gotten a call from a bill collector, and you probably did not enjoy the experience as much as I did. In fact I don’t think anybody enjoyed it as much as I did. I had already decided to file bankruptcy and done all the paper work. My attorney said “Tom, the only thing left to do is pay us the $969.00 dollars, and then we will go ahead and pull the trigger on this thing”. I had the money and I could have just written the check. I decided “hey, what’s the rush? I can milk this out for a while.” The amount of calls increased and that is where the real fun began. I want to share with you some of the conversations I had with my bill collectors. It is my hope that you will adopt some of these methods, and turn something you fear or dread into something that you will perhaps look forward to.

Tom Nardone

Discover Card:

Limit: $6000

Balance $6900

Toms Chosen Accent: “Deep Southern”

Discover: Hello Mr. Nardone, How are you today?

Tom: Bill, I am fantastic. I got up this morning and had really good breakfast. I am off work today and I thought maybe I might go and see a movie. I don’t know if anything good is playing but I probably need to get out of the house anyway becau….(Bill interrupts)

Discover: Yes Mr.Nardone that is great but I need to tell you that there is a problem with your account.

Tom: there is a problem?

Discover: Yes, we did not get your payment for March or April. I am sure it must be an oversight, but we would like to get this cleared up today if possible.

Tom: Bill, there is something I got to tell you but I don’t want you to be mad at me. You seem like a nice guy, and I am afraid that if I tell you this, you won’t like me. If I tell you something do you promise that we can still be friends?

Discover: uhhh yah sure

Tom: No Bill, do you promise?

Discover: Yes Mr. Nardone, I promise.

Tom: Bill I suck at paying bills. I have always sucked at it. I will mess it up and make everybody down there angry with me. So I decided rather than to upset you and your bosses that I would just save you a bunch of time and aggravation, so just cancel my account. I am glad that me and you can still be friends. Listen I am gonna let you go before I get upset, and start crying. Maybe this movie will cheer me up. I like you bill and I would love it if you would stay in touch. Bye Bye now.

Next week

Discover: Hello Mr. Nardone this is Jenny with Discover Card how are you today?

Tom: Jenny I am just wonderful, How are you Jenny?

Discover: I am fine sir, listen the reason I am calling is because your account is past due.

Tom: Jenny, I already know all this, there was a feller called me last week and he is already handling it for me. I am sorry nobody told you about that, and made you waste your time. Hey! Do you know Bill? How is his mama?Man he is a really great guy, you know me and him is friends now because of all this?

Discover: Sir that is really nice but we do need to take care of this right now

Tom: Oh wait sorry, I gotta go law and order is on. Call back in a hour.

By the end, I knew two or three people with Discover. They were actually the nicest people. The southern accent was a lot of fun too.

Tom Nardone

Capitol One:

Limit: $4000

Balance $5400

Toms Chosen Accent: “none”

Capitol One: Hello. Is this Mr. Nardone?

Tom:Yah

Capitol One: Mr.Nardone, this is peter with Capitol One how are you today?

Great

Capitol One:Mr. Nardone the reason I am calling is because we have not received a payment from you in the past 90 days so I wanted to call and see if we could clear this up?

Tom:Peter, I am not going to pay you shit.

Capitol One:Excuse me?

Tom:I don’t have to pay this bill so why should I?

Capitol One:Mr. Nardone this will be a negative entry on your credit file.

Tom:My credit is already turned to shit, what else have you got?

Capitol One:Mr. Nardone you owe this money.

Tom: Yah I sort of got that impression when the bill came. I assume it was a bill. When I see Capitol One on an envelope I just throw it in the shit-can with the rest of the bullshit I get in the mail. Peter let me save you some time. You should pretend that I am a turnip, and you are in search of blood.

Tom Nardone

Chevy Chase Visa

Limit: $7000

Balance $8100

Toms Chosen Accent: “none”

Visa: Mr. Nardone your account is past due by 120 days. We really need to set up some sort of a payment plan. How much are you prepared to pay us for this today?

Tom: Hey do you believe I can fit an entire pear into my mouth. I was just about to try it when you called. Hold on.

I would then just talk into the phone with my fist in my mouth for the rest of the conversation, until they hung up.

Sometimes I would just sing songs right in the middle of them talking.Tom Nardone I was always impressed with how long they would actually stay on the line. One guy stayed until the end of a song. As soon as he started talking , I went into another song. He actually said “Oh Fuck this deadbeat” and then hung up.

Sometimes I would answer the phone and say my name was Vinnie from a local bank, and that I was in Tom’s house stealing shit to pay the debts that he owes. I would even urge them to get here before everything was gone, and be shit-out-of-luck.

I once asked a bill collector this; “What do my TV, my stereo, and my computer all have in common?” he said “I don’t know sir” I said “They are all things I bought with your money, that you will never ever see again”

I do not feel the need to discuss the immoral banking practices that are at work every day in this country. If you own a credit card then you know about them.

I did file bankruptcy and at no time during the process did I feel any guilt or any remorse. I had been taking it in the ass for years, and just decided that it was over. Bill collectors eventually got nasty. They would make threats and talk about all kinds of things in an attempt to scare me.

I walked out of that court room with a big smile on my face. I felt as if I had struck a blow against the criminals of this country who hide from sight under the guise of a legitimate business. The only thing I have left to say to those people is “Go Fuck Yourself, and thanks for the free shit”

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

  • tomboyYou can join the I Am Tom Nardone Facebook Group by clicking HERE.
  • Or you can enter you email address at the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME” 
  • Or you could risk never hearing from me again and go through life without the benefit of my counsel, but what would be the fun in that?

IT WILL FEEL GREAT!!!

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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I Am Tom Nardone Presents: “DAY-CEPTION”

doctortom

by Tom Nardone

I owe the title for this article to my son Brett A. Fuller. I promised him a credit in this post. So, promise kept.

I feel that I have stumbled across an amazing discovery. Like many discoveries, It was discovered completely by accident. The research division of “I am Tom Nardone”, have unanimously decided, to share this with you. We sincerely hope you can benefit from this and your feedback will be carefully scrutinized by our analysts, should you be compelled to share it.

I recently was scheduled off three days in a row. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it is a wonderful thing. Yesterday I got up at 7:00am, and went into the kitchen to make some coffee. I began writing. I finished and posted an article, and then spent some time with my wife watching TV in the den. Sometime around noon, she was feeling like a nap and so was I. I went upstairs, and took a four hour nap. I got up again this time at 4:00pm and went to the kitchen and made a pot of coffee. This felt like the beginning of a new day. Just like that, My new discovery was born. From the mind of Tom Nardone, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present ”Day-Secting”? I did the very same thing on Tuesday, and here is what I would like to report.

This is my discovery; “Day-secting” – the day within a day.

I was off Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I “Day-sected” Monday, and Tuesday. I cut the second and third days into two small days or mini days. This brought the total days from Three to five.

This was amazing! When I finally went back to work, I really felt as if I had been off for five days. During my three days off, I kept thinking that I was supposed to be at work. I actually checked the calendar on my laptop to make sure that I was not missing it.  I figured that when I got back it would catch up to me and balance out, but it didn’t. I clocked in and it felt like I had been on vacation. When I got home that afternoon, I still could not get it out of my mind. I sat and pondered at what I had done.

I determined that I had discovered something extraordinary. I could not decide though whether I discovered a method of solving the “two days off a week is not enough” dilemma. OR had I just taken self-bullshitting to the next level, or perhaps turned it into an art form. I am in a quandary as to which one, but they both sound like something that I can be proud of.

While I will stand by this research, I do not plan to take it any further. After the success Day-secting two consecutive days, I had planned another test; I was going to schedule a vacation for myself, and commit to this program for seven straight days. I was going to Day-sect each day of my entire vacation.

I am reasonably sure that it would have felt like a two week vacation. I decided that this would put undue pressure on my family who depends on me for things. Another way to say this is that my wife has put the kibosh on it. “SO, OK EVERYBODY GET YOUR PARADE OUT SO YVONNE CAN RAIN ON IT!” I still maintain that this is an amazing discovery.

My wife Yvonne, on the other hand, is not nearly as impressed with this as I am. During the second day of “Day-secting”, she was leaving to go to the grocery store, as she left she said “I will be back in an hour and a half; I will need some help getting the groceries in.” I explained to her that Brett would help her to that because I was involved in an important experiment, and that my research would require me to go back to sleep for four hours. She said “oh God Tom, Day-secting?” I said “Yes dear, Day-secting.” she said “I love you Tom, but this is the stupidest thing you have ever done. You’re an idiot” and with that she left.

When she recently found out that this discovery was actually going to make it to my blog, she advised me not to do it. She said “Tom, Honey listen, This whole thing….. is just bullshit. Are you sure you are not going to embarrass yourself sweety?”

(Long Pause)

Me: “Darling, have you EVER read my blog?”

I continued and said to her in a tender tone of voice as if to eliminate her fears, “Yvonne, let me assure you that if it were possible for me to embarrass myself, I would have absolutely done it by now. Let me tell you why I am never going to be embarrassed. I AM TOM NARDONE, and I am a global phenomenon. People love and appreciate me, because of my Awesomeness. There are people all over the world, in countries I have never even heard of who go to my site. You call Day-secting a bunch of bullshit, well these people have hunger for my bullshit. Some of them have told me that they all sit down to the dinner table and have a big giant family dinner and guess what the main course is? Yep, that is correct The bullshit of Tom Nardone. I could read some comments to you, but do you really need me to?”

Yvonne: Ughhhhhhhh

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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Tom Nardone Vs The Lawn | Let’s Mow Some Ass.

Picture6

By Tom Nardone

Before I begin this story of deception, I should point out that my wife is the finest human being that God ever graced the earth with. She is perfect in every way, and I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I have never lied to her however; I would not say any of this about my ex-wife. All further references to my wife will be referring to my ex-wife, who I thought might have very well have been….”The Antichrist”

We had had a 600 square foot addition added to the back of our house that would later become our master bedroom. What I had planned to finish in just 3 to 4 months, ended up taking about (and I’m not kidding) four and a half years.  What can I say?  I’m ADD, and my favorite day of the week is tomorrow, so that is the day that I set aside to do important things in my life.

It was about two years into the project and spring was coming. My wife had been raising hell about the addition being finished, and then she decides to throw in that she  wants the yard do be nice this year. One thing you need to know about my ex-wife and yard work is that my ex-wife did not do yard work. She wanted that yard to look nice that year, but not at the inconvenience of depriving our sofa the joy of having her ass spread out on it, while she watched reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer all day. The plan was for my ass to be outside working in the yard all day, and working on the addition al night. I knew my wife, and I knew, just like a day killing freight train, she would never stop.

I had what I then referred to as the ”The Misery Trifecta” A nagging wife, a 600 square foot addition, and now a yard to give a shit about after years of blissful neglect. All of my free time was in jeopardy, and I would not even be able to look forward to the weekends.  The only thing I knew was that there was no way in hell I was going to do all that shit.

Ohhhhh, but something would have to be done.

(ok now fasten your seatbelt)

I waited two days until Sunday, early evening, after a whole weekend without a word of this coming up. I broke the silence and I said “Hey honey. I thought a lot about what you said about the yard and you know you’re right. I am going up to The Home Depot and figure out what we need to do to fix our yard.” she was so happy. I actually even went outside, and (just for show), I dug up a sample of our yard to show the people at Home Depot, so that they could help me. She thought that was great. I got in my car and left. About a mile down the road, I tossed the sample out of my window, and proceeded to the Depot. When I got there a man said;

Home Depot Guy: What can I do for you sir?

Me:    I need to buy something to spray on my lawn that will kill every weed, every blade of grass, and every living thing in my whole yard.

Home Depot Guy: Excuse me sir?

Me:    shall I repeat what I said?

Home Depot Guy You want to kill……….the lawn?

Me: Winner!!!!!

Home Depot Guy:   OK uh, how big is your yard?

Me:   Half an acre.

Home Depot Guy:   One of these bottles of Roundup should do it.

Me: I’ll take two.

When I got home my wife was in bed, but I was so excited that I couldn’t even wait until morning. I got my sprayer and my roundup concoction (Double Strength) together and sprayed the entire backyard (Twice). I felt great. Here is something else that you must know. My wife worked Mon-Fri .She left the house at 6am (still dark outside) she got home at 6:30pm (still dark outside). She would not be home during the daylight hours until Saturday morning.  I don’t mean to give Roundup a plug here, but credit where credit is due. I couldn’t believe how fast it worked. By Friday afternoon my yard was dead. I mean like post-apocalypse, tombstone, tumbleweed dead. For five days I watched my lawn die a slow death, and I could not have been more pleased with myself.

Friday night I went to work. It was just a few short hours until the big reveal. I worked third shift at the time. That night it occurred to me half way into my shift that in all the excitement that I had not thought about what I would tell my wife by way of an explanation. I thought about it all night. I got my friends involved, but all they could do was laugh and try to convince me that there was no way out.

After my shift I drove home and quietly walked around the side of my house into the backyard. Nope still dead. I thought a little and then a little more. I then decided it would just be best to come clean. There was a door into the bedroom off the back deck so I walked up to the door ready to admit my wrong doing and underhandedness. When my fingers touched the door I had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. This moment of clarity was some like this.

WHAT? Am I about to surrender to a dead lawn? I am Tom fucking Nardone. Nobody beats me. I always win. Of course my friends told me that I was going to be in the dog house. That is how their minds work. I adapt. Most people would see this as a situation as a death sentence, whereas I, on the other hand, will transform this would be disaster, into stage on which I steal the hearts and minds of my audience (my wife). Let the show begin.

Lights, Camera, Action!

An angry Tom Nardone walks onto the scene

“DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT!!!! WHAT THE HELL MOTHER#$@% sh@t” and on and on and on. My wife, hearing my rage, came outside and asked “What’s the matter Tom” I said “What’s the matter? Look at my yard, just look at it I killed the whole thing it’s all dead! I sprayed it with weed and GRASS killer. This is what the guy at Home Depot recommended. All that work and now look at it.” I then kicked something off the porch and knocked over a broom.

She said “Hey sweetie calm down, calm down. You tried. This is not your fault. It will grow back, and look, you will be able to focus on the addition this summer” I said “are you sure you’re not mad?” She said “No. I’m not mad” I said “OK just give me a minute out here and let me calm down” She said “OK I will go make some coffee” I said “Thanks for not being mad babe” She said don’t worry about it sweetie” and then she went inside.

THE END

I will now, figuratively take a bow.

With no rehearsal, no second takes, and no script, I was the writer, producer, and director of a larger-than-life production. I did what would have undeniably brought Broadway to its knees, and I did it on the fly.

This scheme had a two pronged effect. First, I got out of doing any yard work for the entire spring and summer. Second, every time my wife saw the yard, she was reminded that I cared enough to try to make a difference. As it turned out, she was right about that. I made a tremendous difference; especially when the wind blew

I do not dispute that what I did, was deceptive, however if you will review the text, at NO time did I ever lie to her. The only things I said to her were that I would “fix” our yard. We certainly had different ideas about what that meant. The only other things I said to her about it was “look at the yard, I killed it. The whole thing is dead”, and “this is what the guy recommended” all of that was true.

This story is 100% true. Maybe you are the type of a person who likes a good moral to a story. What do you think about this one?

Don’t ever take a step backwards. I did not review my actions and figure out what we talked about and came up with some lie. don’t ever lie to your spouse. It makes for a bad marriage. I did not put this things in reverse. I shifted it into overdrive put the pedal to the floor, and gave the performance of a life time. If I had come clean with my wife; she would have been mad, I would have worked my ass off all summer and you would be on facebook reading a less awesome story written by a less awesome man. Because of me, The past ten minutes of your life have been completely kick-ass.

 I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

****Important announcement from Tom********

There are two ways to be notified of future posts. Click HERE and like or follow my new Facebook page, or you can scroll up and subscribe via email. One other thing; I answer every comment I get. There are a lot of places that you get here from, and sometimes I cant find them all. If I don’t respond to you, that is because I did not see you. If you want to be sure I see it, then comment on this site below where it says “Speak to me”.  leave them wherever you are happy doing so, I just don’t want you thinking that I don’t love you.

 

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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