OH NO! There’s Nothing On Netflix! | So Let’s Make Lemonade!!!

done

As some of you know, my wife and I have recently said goodbye to cable TV. This has left us with limited choices in terms of A/V entertainment. By limited, I mean Netflix. I have not been affected too severely, since the only show I watch is “Archer”. The rest of my family has needs that are not being met. Continue reading

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The Wolves Are At the Gate!!

by Tom Nardone

by Tom Nardone

My son, Brett is 18 now and while he is becoming a fine young man there is one thing I seem to be having trouble making him understand; locking the damn door. I told him I could give a damn about his car, but my house must be locked. I am ADD and I forget many things. I don’t ever forget to lock up my house. Continue reading

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Calling In Sick |Do You Have What it Takes to Play at This Level?

by Tom Nardone

by Tom Nardone

In America, most of us have the burden of a job, where we work five days a week. We typically work an 8-hour day. Sometimes the life we live does not synchronize with our work schedule. We have to make a decision at this point. We must decide what is more important. Do we just accept that we must work, or risk calling in sick.

We find ourselves calling in sick for many circumstances. I am not here to judge or to tell you it is wrong. You know your job. You know its demands. You know whether they can go a day without you. I would like to go on the record as saying calling in sick by lying about family members dying; this makes you an asshole. Don’t do it. I will be ashamed of you.

My purpose is to help you avoid some rookie mistakes while you are trying to sell this lie.

Calling-in -sick

 

Calling In Sick | You Have Got to Sell It!


Over-explaining
– Only the guilty explain everything. They will constantly go on, on, and on, about what happened, and why they were unable to get to work. They do this because they are concerned that the lie they chose, was not good enough. They will jump too quickly at the chance to make sure that their story was believed. When a person is telling the truth, they just don’t care if there story is believed. They don’t even consider the fact that anyone might think they are lying.

Saying that you are strandedDO NOT EVER do this unless it you are stranded. You never know if your supervisor will be worried enough about you or need you bad enough to come and pick you up or to send someone after you. There will be no way out of this. You Are Screwed! Because you are home, so where are you going to tell them to come get you?

Altering your voice – If you are going to alter your voice then make sure that whatever your voice is being alter for makes sense. If you have a back injury you do not have to pretend your back is, actually giving you pain at that exact moment you are calling. If you are saying that you have the flu or a clod, you do not have to cough into the phone while you are talking. If you have laryngitis, then you will obviously alter your voice

Your spouse is sick – You…Are…An…Idiot. If that is the best, you got then you just don’t have the brains to play at this level. Go to work. You Sir or Ma’am are lucky to have this job

You Don’t have a ride to work –This is also a shitty reason for call in because they can always offer you a ride to work. If you use this and they do offer you the ride, thank them, and take it. Cut your losses and enjoy a free ride to work. If you magically discover an alternate way to work on your own, then they will know you were lying to them. This is lose lose. Your boss will think you are a dirt-bag, and you still had to work.

Other blunders

  • If you are calling in sick saying that, you have some terrible illness, then don’t come in the next day laughing joking around. You started a story so don’t forget that you are a character in this story, and characters must stay in character.
  • I would not feel the need to mention this but I have seen it happen. Do not find yourself calling in sick on a Friday, and then go in to pick up your paycheck that same day. (Yes, I have seen this)
  • Also, do not say you are on the toilet, and are having troubles there. This is a very popular story and you will not be believed. If it happens, you are in truth on the toilet and unable to get off, you should just make up a lie. Others before you have rendered your problem unbelievable.
  • calling in sick and then going to the lake. If you do then the jig will be up when they see the sunburn on your face. Nobody is sunburned while they were home sick. (I knew a clown that did this)

OK these are the most common rookie mistakes. You don’t want to find yourself in any of these scenarios. I hope those of you who this applies too will really study these items. It might save your job.

Now it is time to talk about how the pros do it. This is the calling in sick encyclopedia of awesomeness. This is doing it Tom Nardone style. My focus was going to be just identifying the mistakes that people make when calling in sick

I would like to state for the record that I never had found myself fictitiously calling in sick to my current job

Doctors note

When calling in sick, weather you are sick or not, go to the doctor. Go to “Doctors Care” or whatever half-assed doctor’s office is near you that day or the day before and just get a stupid doctors note. It will cost you nothing more than 15 to 25 dollar co-pay. The Doctor’s note is irrefutable. Your supervisor sees this and says, “OK here is a Doctor’s note that reads Sherry Walker is advised not to work as she is having blah blah female problems. She should spend the rest of the day sewing”. Case closed, and more importantly, “Ass Covered” This is a winner. Be credible and be believable.

If you say you twisted your ankle, do not go to the Doctor. I don’t advise you ever use this one. This excuse is only for the truly committed. However, assuming you are hell-bent on being believed, and you do use the twisted your ankle story, pay attention. You have to accept that you will probably not be believed when you call. That is why this story has a second act. In act two, you go back to work, the next day, but you go back with an ace bandage wrapped around your foot and ankle. I would even recommend some crutches to really seal the deal. This will not only serve as a fine visual aide for all nonbelievers, It will also serve as a reminder for you not to forget what leg you are supposed to be limping on. Well now that you are in costume, it is time for the show to begin. You should get into this frame of mind before you even exit your car.

To Hell with a doctor’s note, your performance will trump any note from a thousand doctors. Your footsteps will reverberate as all the doubters feel your thunder. You shall mount up and ride through the front door upon your steed, even with crutch in hand. The horse upon which you ride will have many names: such as courage, liberty, credibility, and above all believability. As you charge in through the front door, they will see you in your glory and will never again doubt a word that echoes from your lips. You will blow past them all with a mighty and victorious fury. They shall tremble in the wake of your awesomeness. You will be as a hero, for you worried not, about anything but yourself, and for yourself you accepted nothing less than victory. You shall finish out the day and depart just as you arrived…..The Victor.

Calling in sick can get you fired. When you do it, you have two things to bear in mind. One, is that you probably need this job to support your family, and two is that you should not put your boss in a position to have to fire you. You are not lying just for yourself. You are lying for the benefit and well being of everybody involved.

This is no time for you to be selfish. There is a lot riding on your story so don’t just think of yourself. You need to have a great story so that you can have a nice carefree day not carrying the burden of fear that you could lose your job. This will ruin your day. Your boss might be a decent person. Give him or her, the satisfaction of knowing that it was only under the most extreme of circumstances that you even considered, not coming to work. Do not force him or her to make the hard choice, just because you were too lazy to properly prepare yourself to tell them what they needed to hear. Help them to feel good in your absence, as you did in theirs.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome

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IT WILL FEEL GREAT!!!

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WE ARE ALL SCREWED!!!!!

ass fisterMost of us have jobs. We are expected to go in and work five days a week for eight hours and perform our duties to whatever degree of proficiency that is required by our employer. We have to be on time. For some us, there is an expectation that we be good at what we do.

If you are a brick layer you are expected to lay all the bricks straight, and level, and to use the proper amount of mortar to ensure that what you are building stays built. If you are a teacher then you are expected to present information to your students, and ensure that there is a reasonable level of retention among them.

This is the type of arrangement most of us have with our employers. Failure to achieve these things can result in counseling, reprimands or even termination. That is simply the world we live in.

This may sound harsh to some of my younger readers, believe me I understand. I do however have some good news for you people. I have an alternative if these kinds of standards seem a little demanding, or challenging to you, and if you so choose, you can avoid all of this. I am going to tell you about a career where you can fall ass backwards into piles of cash for simply playing a guessing game, a profession where you are afforded the highest respect, regardless of your knowledge level. It is a career where you have no accountability, and no performance expectations. When people find out what you do they will believe every fucking word you say. If this sounds like what you are looking for than maybe you should be a “Doctor”.

As you read this ask yourself if you have ever been on either end of this conversation.

”Hey, Bob, how did it go at your doctor’s appointment this afternoon?”

“Well they think it is a ….”

Or

“Well they aren’t sure what is wrong with me, so they’re put me on….. “

Most of you know this already, but let me tell you what this actually means. Let’s replay that conversation but we will remove all the bullshit.

”Hey, Bob, how did it go at your doctor’s appointment this afternoon?”

“Well the Doctor said to me Bob I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you”

 Doctors have found what I have to admit, are brilliant new ways to say “I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with you.” We have all heard this before. They will say “I think you need to see a specialist”. You see, they did not even have to admit that they don’t know what is wrong with you, while at the same time, they are helping out another one of their doctor buddies by sending some business their way. This happens in my experience about fifty percent of the time, but guess what happens 100% of the time. I’m sure you already know. Yes. That is correct. You pay your bill or give them your insurance information. Either way, they get paid. You get a little lighter in your wallet, and they go to the bank having drilled another sick bastard squarely in the ass.

Doctors have also gotten around the whole issue of accountability. I have been to the doctor several times, where they do a bunch of preliminary tests; blood pressure, reflexes, heartbeat, and so on. Then I wait twenty minutes in silence (while the important data is carefully gone over, studied and scrutinized). Then he comes in and determines I have X and he is prescribing Y. I pay the bill and leave. Well that doesn’t work either, or it makes me worse. So what do I do? Yes, you are right again. I go back to the doctor to give him another chance to guess what is wrong with me. (This is called repeat business), because I will be paying for another visit. The other thing is that with you being passed around from doctor to doctor, and going from this med to that med. They have created ambiguity. This means that one doctor can just blame the other one, and neither one of them can be held accountable for anything. It is a thing of beauty.

Put yourself in this scenario and tell me if you think this is how you might behave.

Your car is acting up. So you take it down to your local repair shop and tell them what the symptoms are.  They listen while writing things down on a clip board. They tell you to give them a couple of hours. You leave and come back two hours later. They say “we think it needs new spark plugs, so we put new ones in. That will be $135.00.” You drive the car for a day or two and it still isn’t running right. So you take it back to them to give them another try. They then decide it could be the air filter was clogged so they replace it and charge you another $135.00. Well, that didn’t work so you bring it back again, and they run some more tests and tell you that you need to go to the shop down the road, and of course, charge you another $135.00. Would you raise hell or would you just bend over and take it up the tail pipe. Of course you wouldn’t take that. You would refuse to pay and never go back. Fortunately you auto insurance does not tell you where you can or can’t take your car.

That is not however, an option for you with the respected member of the medical industry. This is a shrewd bunch. They have the money so they have the lawyers. You can’t just refuse to pay your medical bills. Oh no. Whether they earned their money or not you are going to pay. You can be a sick, in pain, broken, coughing, shaking, wobbling, sore, wishing you were dead son of a bitch, but you are still going to pay your doctor bills, or else the government will come in and take away your income tax refund. Why don’t they do this for all of your debtors? Why is it just the doctors? I guess someone has to pay back that Ivy League student loan. It might just as well be you.

What is the solution? Sadly this time I just don’t know. We are screwed. Sometimes we lose and this is one of those times. All I can say is hey, I am in this with you, and dont think that you are the only one that will be bleeding from the asshole.

So kids I hope I have helped those of you underachievers who want all the money and none of the responsibilities that go along with it. There is plenty of room for all of you. Those of you who aspire to perform below the status quo, the medical industry requires following three things.

  1. years college (Pre-Med)    4
  2. years medical School        4
  3. Integrity                             0

My hope is that you will shoot higher than this and work at a gas station.

I am Tom Nardone and you are welcome.

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IT WILL FEEL GREAT!!!

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The Bodily Function Police

Tom Nardone

People tell me that I sometimes look unhappy or angry about something. They think that I’m not happy. There seems to be no shortage of people in this world that feel the need to alter my mood and/or my actions

I don’t mind if one of my friends say “Hey Tom what’s wrong?”, or “Hey Tom are you alright?” I understand that they love me, and they want to see me happy. What I do mind is when people, friend or otherwise, simply tell me; “Smile!”, “cheer up!”, “it’s not that bad.”, or “how come you never smile?” That is what really gives me the red ass

This girl started at work a while back. She is a complete ditz that has been trading on her looks all her life. All of the guys at work are all (gaga) for her. I, on the other hand, am not. I do not give a shit what she looks like. I have nothing but contempt for such people. For days every time I would walk by her, she would tell me to smile, and for days I just let it go.

tom-nardone-2

She made the mistake of telling me, in her ditzy sweet voice, to smile one time too many. I felt it was time for this bullshit conversation to come to a conclusion.

Officer Ditz; Hey, why don’t you ever smile?”

Tom Nardone; This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I looked out the window, and watched my son, who was waiting for the school bus, pick up a stray puppy by it’s neck and stare into its’ eyes as he squeezed the life from it. So is it OK with you if I don’t smile today?”

Would you like to know what she said? She said the same thing you would say. NOTHING!! That is the only thing anyone says when told a story like that. This was beautiful. She looked at me and nodded her head almost violently, as if she hoped I was finished talking to her. She did not smile herself for the rest of the day.

I was pleased to see that the message got to her. My son did not really do this, but that doesn’t matter. I solved both of our problems. I don’t have to listen to any more of her bullshit, and she will definitely think twice before ever telling me to alter my facial expressions for the rest of our time together. I will be surprised if I ever have to listen to her speak to me again about anything.

tom-nardone-3

I used to have a job where I went in at 4am. One thing that everyone does who gets up that early in the morning is yawn. I don’t know why we yawn. It is just what we do. It is in no way offensive it is not rude. A yawn is one of the few bodily functions that have absolutely no enemies. Everybody loves a good yawn. That is, everyone except this one particular asshole. Just about every damned, morning this redneck, inbred, hillbilly, son of a bitch, would catch me in the act of one of my early morning yawns. He would always say “It’s too early to start that shit”

What the fuck does that even mean? I knew that I would have to help this man too. I was convinced that it was not ever going to end, and I knew that I was unwilling to stop yawning. I felt it was my duty as a caring coworker to help him to stop this douchebaggery that he was hopelessly a prisoner to. This was my solution.

Officer Hillbilly; It’s too early to start that shit”

Tom Nardone; Hey listen I am sorry about the random yawns every morning. It is obvious that you care about me, and you want to be involved with my bodily functions. I would like to extend you an invitation to join me this afternoon for one that I think you will really enjoy. I really think today is the best day for you to see this one, since I ate at El Sombreros last night and ordered the sampler platter. If you are free after lunch, please meet me in the men’s room I usually prefer stall #4. I think this is something you won’t want to miss.

He wasn’t pleased and he did decline my invitation. He never really spoke much to me after that, which to my mind was a huge win win. I wasn’t quite satisfied though. I would come in early and if I did not feel a yawn coming, then I would fake one. You should have seen the confusion on that dumb son of a bitches face.

tom-nardone-5I don’t think it is too much to ask that I be allowed to smile when I am happy, or yawn when I am tired. I will not tolerate assholes who wish to fuck with this. Just so we are clear if you tell me to smile, then yes, that alone, makes you an asshole.

You owe these people shit. Don’t waste your time explaining yourself to them. As fun as it might be, you don’t have to give them an elaborate explanation, like I did. There are other ways to help them. Sometimes just a short “Fuck You” is all it takes to get them on the proper path.

My body is my playground. All the toys and their functions are owned and operated by me, and any other person I grant access to. I decide what the rules are and I decide what toys are available to what person. I share them when, and if I feel like it. If you have a problem with this then you can to your playground.

If, while watching Spartacus, or Game of Thrones, there should be a sex scene and I feel the need to pause the show to take care of a sudden need, then I will do so. Only one person votes and that is me. I always win.

When I conclude my bathroom business, and it is time to do the paper work; I and I alone will make the decision to wipe from front to back or from back to front. It is my ass. It is my choice.

If while I am working outside on a hot July Day, and my ass begins to itch, then fell free to turn your head if you don’t want to watch the show, but this itch is going away right now.tom-nardone-1

I think that is enough examples

It is as if their lives are so empty inside that they must see me smile to fill some void. I am sorry if they have some hidden desire to live vicariously through me. They should go and live an abundant life where all they can seem to do is walk around and smile at every one they see, and when they get that figured out, maybe they will be in a better frame of mind to counsel the rest of the world with our facial expression problems.

These people have a sickness. They have an ailment and I have the cure. It is the only thing that I am aware of that will cures this disease every time it is administered. That is a dose of Tom Nardone. It’s the only thing I carry in my bag.

If I am not smiling, then maybe I am upset. If you are a friend of mine, then I don’t mind you trying to help me or inquire as to what you can do for me. I appreciate that kind of interaction. Sometimes knowing that someone cares is enough. Knowing that you have a friend who is there for you; can make the problem seem like a more fixable circumstance.

No one that gives a shit about you will tell you to be happy. People who do this, are every bit as much an asshole as someone who would fart in a parked car with the windows up.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.
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Confessions of a TV Addict

yvonne nardone

by Yvonne Nardon

I never thought I could give up my cable box, or my DVR. I loved that I could tape all my favorite TV shows and would eagerly wait for them to be recorded. TV was my best friend. I would even watch TV and search and record for stuff that was playing so I could get an uninterrupted fix of recorded commercial free TV. At one point I was having conflicts on how many shows I could record during the same time slot. I even started recording late night talk shows because there wasn’t any conflict. Even though I didn’t like the talk shows that much, but at least they fed my habit until I could get the real junk in my veins.

yvonne in prison

Yes I was a full blown addict. I would lie cheat and steal to get my shows. I hogged up the recording  so much that my family got shorted and had to get their own box. I even secretly recorded the Kadashians and would delete it quickly so that they  wouldn’t  how far gone I was.

syringe - upMy intervention came when I opened the cable bill instead of throwing it in the trash. I set it up on auto pay to avoid the sting of having to look

at the bill each month. When I opened the bill it hit me like a bolt of lightning. Lightning turned to anger, and then anger turned to regret. I Knew it had to stop.

Like stages of grief I was in denial about the bill. I even started to bargain with the “SYDCC” to try to get my bill lowered. As hard as I tried, in the end i was not doable. With the help of my husband I canceled my entire TV service.

I’ve been clean for one week and so far I’m OK. I still have Netflix until that runs dry. So far  I’m satisfied. I’m going to get an antenna to watch to news and that’s it. I will miss my friends; Ellen, Chelsea, and the new fall line up, i will make it though, one episode at a time.

At last I’m free. I fired cable TV.

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Attention Creditors, I don’t Owe You, I Own You!

“Tommy, don’t ever buy anything with a credit card, or you will pay for it twice”  Tom Nardone Sr. (my father)
Tom Nardone

These are the words of my father. I heard his words and I heeded his words for many years. I got married and that changed pretty quickly. I told my now ex-wife one day that we wouldn’t be getting a credit card. We eventually did. It was not so bad though because we did not ever use it. Then it was a little here, a little there, then eventually, maxed out. Then it was more cards and then debt, shit, what the hell? We were in the fucking credit zone.

(Fast Forward) Sunday February 29th 2004. My wife left me. While that was a truly unexpected gift in and of itself, she did not take everything. She did take the money, the car, all of her miscellaneous bullshit, but she did leave me with the first and second mortgage, all of the credit card debt, and all the bills. Yes. I know. What a bitch.

I determined that things would have to change. I knew I would have to sell the house, and get an apartment.

It came time to pay all the bills. I was alone in the house one day. I sat down at the kitchen table and went through everything. Just for fun; I added up all the minimum amounts that I could get by with. When I realized how much I would need I just started laughing. I don’t mean a little giggle. It was full on fetal position on the kitchen floor laughter.

I got up off the kitchen floor, and I went out and bought a new laptop. I cannot tell you how good that felt. I decided that nobody gets paid except me. I remember thinking to myself, hell maybe they won’t even care. I was wrong. Apparently there are people who will call you when you don’t pay your bills.

Many of you have gotten a call from a bill collector, and you probably did not enjoy the experience as much as I did. In fact I don’t think anybody enjoyed it as much as I did. I had already decided to file bankruptcy and done all the paper work. My attorney said “Tom, the only thing left to do is pay us the $969.00 dollars, and then we will go ahead and pull the trigger on this thing”. I had the money and I could have just written the check. I decided “hey, what’s the rush? I can milk this out for a while.” The amount of calls increased and that is where the real fun began. I want to share with you some of the conversations I had with my bill collectors. It is my hope that you will adopt some of these methods, and turn something you fear or dread into something that you will perhaps look forward to.

Tom Nardone

Discover Card:

Limit: $6000

Balance $6900

Toms Chosen Accent: “Deep Southern”

Discover: Hello Mr. Nardone, How are you today?

Tom: Bill, I am fantastic. I got up this morning and had really good breakfast. I am off work today and I thought maybe I might go and see a movie. I don’t know if anything good is playing but I probably need to get out of the house anyway becau….(Bill interrupts)

Discover: Yes Mr.Nardone that is great but I need to tell you that there is a problem with your account.

Tom: there is a problem?

Discover: Yes, we did not get your payment for March or April. I am sure it must be an oversight, but we would like to get this cleared up today if possible.

Tom: Bill, there is something I got to tell you but I don’t want you to be mad at me. You seem like a nice guy, and I am afraid that if I tell you this, you won’t like me. If I tell you something do you promise that we can still be friends?

Discover: uhhh yah sure

Tom: No Bill, do you promise?

Discover: Yes Mr. Nardone, I promise.

Tom: Bill I suck at paying bills. I have always sucked at it. I will mess it up and make everybody down there angry with me. So I decided rather than to upset you and your bosses that I would just save you a bunch of time and aggravation, so just cancel my account. I am glad that me and you can still be friends. Listen I am gonna let you go before I get upset, and start crying. Maybe this movie will cheer me up. I like you bill and I would love it if you would stay in touch. Bye Bye now.

Next week

Discover: Hello Mr. Nardone this is Jenny with Discover Card how are you today?

Tom: Jenny I am just wonderful, How are you Jenny?

Discover: I am fine sir, listen the reason I am calling is because your account is past due.

Tom: Jenny, I already know all this, there was a feller called me last week and he is already handling it for me. I am sorry nobody told you about that, and made you waste your time. Hey! Do you know Bill? How is his mama?Man he is a really great guy, you know me and him is friends now because of all this?

Discover: Sir that is really nice but we do need to take care of this right now

Tom: Oh wait sorry, I gotta go law and order is on. Call back in a hour.

By the end, I knew two or three people with Discover. They were actually the nicest people. The southern accent was a lot of fun too.

Tom Nardone

Capitol One:

Limit: $4000

Balance $5400

Toms Chosen Accent: “none”

Capitol One: Hello. Is this Mr. Nardone?

Tom:Yah

Capitol One: Mr.Nardone, this is peter with Capitol One how are you today?

Great

Capitol One:Mr. Nardone the reason I am calling is because we have not received a payment from you in the past 90 days so I wanted to call and see if we could clear this up?

Tom:Peter, I am not going to pay you shit.

Capitol One:Excuse me?

Tom:I don’t have to pay this bill so why should I?

Capitol One:Mr. Nardone this will be a negative entry on your credit file.

Tom:My credit is already turned to shit, what else have you got?

Capitol One:Mr. Nardone you owe this money.

Tom: Yah I sort of got that impression when the bill came. I assume it was a bill. When I see Capitol One on an envelope I just throw it in the shit-can with the rest of the bullshit I get in the mail. Peter let me save you some time. You should pretend that I am a turnip, and you are in search of blood.

Tom Nardone

Chevy Chase Visa

Limit: $7000

Balance $8100

Toms Chosen Accent: “none”

Visa: Mr. Nardone your account is past due by 120 days. We really need to set up some sort of a payment plan. How much are you prepared to pay us for this today?

Tom: Hey do you believe I can fit an entire pear into my mouth. I was just about to try it when you called. Hold on.

I would then just talk into the phone with my fist in my mouth for the rest of the conversation, until they hung up.

Sometimes I would just sing songs right in the middle of them talking.Tom Nardone I was always impressed with how long they would actually stay on the line. One guy stayed until the end of a song. As soon as he started talking , I went into another song. He actually said “Oh Fuck this deadbeat” and then hung up.

Sometimes I would answer the phone and say my name was Vinnie from a local bank, and that I was in Tom’s house stealing shit to pay the debts that he owes. I would even urge them to get here before everything was gone, and be shit-out-of-luck.

I once asked a bill collector this; “What do my TV, my stereo, and my computer all have in common?” he said “I don’t know sir” I said “They are all things I bought with your money, that you will never ever see again”

I do not feel the need to discuss the immoral banking practices that are at work every day in this country. If you own a credit card then you know about them.

I did file bankruptcy and at no time during the process did I feel any guilt or any remorse. I had been taking it in the ass for years, and just decided that it was over. Bill collectors eventually got nasty. They would make threats and talk about all kinds of things in an attempt to scare me.

I walked out of that court room with a big smile on my face. I felt as if I had struck a blow against the criminals of this country who hide from sight under the guise of a legitimate business. The only thing I have left to say to those people is “Go Fuck Yourself, and thanks for the free shit”

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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I Am Tom Nardone Presents: “DAY-CEPTION”

doctortom

by Tom Nardone

I owe the title for this article to my son Brett A. Fuller. I promised him a credit in this post. So, promise kept.

I feel that I have stumbled across an amazing discovery. Like many discoveries, It was discovered completely by accident. The research division of “I am Tom Nardone”, have unanimously decided, to share this with you. We sincerely hope you can benefit from this and your feedback will be carefully scrutinized by our analysts, should you be compelled to share it.

I recently was scheduled off three days in a row. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it is a wonderful thing. Yesterday I got up at 7:00am, and went into the kitchen to make some coffee. I began writing. I finished and posted an article, and then spent some time with my wife watching TV in the den. Sometime around noon, she was feeling like a nap and so was I. I went upstairs, and took a four hour nap. I got up again this time at 4:00pm and went to the kitchen and made a pot of coffee. This felt like the beginning of a new day. Just like that, My new discovery was born. From the mind of Tom Nardone, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present ”Day-Secting”? I did the very same thing on Tuesday, and here is what I would like to report.

This is my discovery; “Day-secting” – the day within a day.

I was off Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I “Day-sected” Monday, and Tuesday. I cut the second and third days into two small days or mini days. This brought the total days from Three to five.

This was amazing! When I finally went back to work, I really felt as if I had been off for five days. During my three days off, I kept thinking that I was supposed to be at work. I actually checked the calendar on my laptop to make sure that I was not missing it.  I figured that when I got back it would catch up to me and balance out, but it didn’t. I clocked in and it felt like I had been on vacation. When I got home that afternoon, I still could not get it out of my mind. I sat and pondered at what I had done.

I determined that I had discovered something extraordinary. I could not decide though whether I discovered a method of solving the “two days off a week is not enough” dilemma. OR had I just taken self-bullshitting to the next level, or perhaps turned it into an art form. I am in a quandary as to which one, but they both sound like something that I can be proud of.

While I will stand by this research, I do not plan to take it any further. After the success Day-secting two consecutive days, I had planned another test; I was going to schedule a vacation for myself, and commit to this program for seven straight days. I was going to Day-sect each day of my entire vacation.

I am reasonably sure that it would have felt like a two week vacation. I decided that this would put undue pressure on my family who depends on me for things. Another way to say this is that my wife has put the kibosh on it. “SO, OK EVERYBODY GET YOUR PARADE OUT SO YVONNE CAN RAIN ON IT!” I still maintain that this is an amazing discovery.

My wife Yvonne, on the other hand, is not nearly as impressed with this as I am. During the second day of “Day-secting”, she was leaving to go to the grocery store, as she left she said “I will be back in an hour and a half; I will need some help getting the groceries in.” I explained to her that Brett would help her to that because I was involved in an important experiment, and that my research would require me to go back to sleep for four hours. She said “oh God Tom, Day-secting?” I said “Yes dear, Day-secting.” she said “I love you Tom, but this is the stupidest thing you have ever done. You’re an idiot” and with that she left.

When she recently found out that this discovery was actually going to make it to my blog, she advised me not to do it. She said “Tom, Honey listen, This whole thing….. is just bullshit. Are you sure you are not going to embarrass yourself sweety?”

(Long Pause)

Me: “Darling, have you EVER read my blog?”

I continued and said to her in a tender tone of voice as if to eliminate her fears, “Yvonne, let me assure you that if it were possible for me to embarrass myself, I would have absolutely done it by now. Let me tell you why I am never going to be embarrassed. I AM TOM NARDONE, and I am a global phenomenon. People love and appreciate me, because of my Awesomeness. There are people all over the world, in countries I have never even heard of who go to my site. You call Day-secting a bunch of bullshit, well these people have hunger for my bullshit. Some of them have told me that they all sit down to the dinner table and have a big giant family dinner and guess what the main course is? Yep, that is correct The bullshit of Tom Nardone. I could read some comments to you, but do you really need me to?”

Yvonne: Ughhhhhhhh

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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They Gave Me Creative Control. Me!

Tom Nardone

by Tom Nardone

I am Tom Nardone. Many of you know that I work at the Home Depot. A few years ago in November the store was preparing for what we call a Goldcup Walk. This is when a bunch of people from the corporate office come in and look at several stores and give an award to the one who is most prepared for the #Christmas season.

I happened to be in earshot of my store manager when I heard her explain that she wanted something big this year that would really bring attention to the store. I saw an opportunity for a fun week rather than the day to day business that I do every day. I love what I do, but one of the cool things about Depot, is that  sometimes you can do projects for the store that are fun.

She wanted two things. She wanted a replica of “Christmas Town”, and she wanted “Bumble”. Bumble was the name of the Abominable Snowman from the rudolph story.

I of course jumped all over this. I told her that under no circumstances should she allow anyone to be a part of the snowman build that was not Tom Nardone. I went on and I said “look you have a choice to make. You can either let someone else spend a whole week to build you a giant disappointment, or you can let me build something that the whole community will come to the store just to see” She could see that I wanted to do it and I suppose my passion to build this thing is what carried the day. I got the gig. I am Tom Nardone and I always win.

The irony is not lost on me. I am building a character from the story of Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Yes I am aware of my story where I was critical of Rudolph and rewrote the ending.  It is without a doubt, the funniest thing, in my opinion, that I have written to date. I am just going to ask that you give me a pass on that. In my story I never listed Bumble as a problem for anything.

It was an awesome experience. I got to pick a helper. Jonathan Parker a good friend of mine helped me through most of the build. I had the vision for this thing in my head from the moment I got the gig.

This is what my store manager did not fully understand. She did not understand that I am Tom Nardone, and she gave me complete and total creative control over this project. It took all forty hours of my week, and in the end as I promised, it was a work of art. I created a spot on replica of this monster. It was and I think still is the coolest thing anyone ever did for Christmas in any home depot ever at any store their ever was. To put it simply, it was perfect in every way.

I will never forget the day when John and I rolled this ferocious Christmas icon to the sales floor. I had to remove its head as we entered the lumber roll up door because it would not fit under it. We reattached the head and as this thing rolled down the main aisle, everything stopped. Everyone was standing in the aisle with their mouths open. They were in awe of this thing I had built. For customers and associates alike,  time stood still and I simply smiled as I ate all the attention up with a spoon.

We staged it prominently in front of the paint desk where it stood proudly and every person that walked by it stopped to take note of it. Almost all of them took a photo or had their kids pose in front of it.

And YES!! Of course I have a picture. Behold

#BUMBLE

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 I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome

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With friends like these, I have no enemies

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By Tom Nardone

I have been fortunate over the last two years to have made a lot of friends. There are a lot of people who have a tough time making friends and I can relate to that. I don’t have much of a problem with it these days but to be honest with you, having a lot of friends is not always as great as you might think.

There is a lot expected of you as a friend. I would urge you to be careful, and to avoid being too many people’s best friend.

Yes I know; it is a highly coveted position “The Best Friend” I will tell you why that is not something to aspire to without moderation. I will ask you. Do you know what is expected of “The Best Friend”? Everything is expected of the best friend. You are either the first or last person they go to with the worst things in their life that they think must be done. This can be a burden that maybe you will not be prepared for. Certainly I don’t mean that you would not want to be there for any friend who has lost someone dear to them or to help them in a time of need. I am talking about stuff you don’t care about.

How about moving day? Yes Moving day. The very words sometimes cause me to drop a nut. Yes when a person decides to move, they make no bones about the fact that they are disrupting our lives, simply by telling us that they are moving.

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So they get a nice new home, and you and I get a large order of guilt and a side order of anxiety. They even go as far as to say it will be FUN!!

“Yah guys we will just be hanging out and drinking some beers, and having some laughs it will go quick.” They will sometimes say “There is really nothing that heavy”. They would have you believe that their furniture is made out of balsa wood. OK liars, the truth is that is not going to be a lot of laughs. It is going to be a pains-taking endurance test, and the whole time we are there we are going to be asking ourselves; is this guy’s friendship really worth this? Could I have not come up with an excuse to avoid this? HOWEVER, this is not a question that you will ask yourself,…. best friend.

The best friend will without a doubt be there on moving day. He or she will not be afforded the luxury of having more pressing matters. As the best friend you know all too well that if no one shows that this person will be moping around for weeks and they will be able to say “Even my best friend did not come help me”. They will of course say this to their best friend. Yes you will also have to hear about it, and as a human being you cannot allow that. You must, and you will endure. It is your lot for this awful day. This is the job of the best friend.

Our friends choose all kinds of ways to disrupt our lives. Maybe you have experienced this. Your friend has been dating someone for three years. When you are least expecting it, they announce that one day very soon in your life; you are going to make them the focal point of it for an entire damn day. Do not make any plans because by God you will be there at their disposal, on that magical day when they get married.

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One thing about a friend getting married is that you are not going to get out of it. Other than them calling it off or eloping you are going to be there unless you have a car crash on the way to the church and what are the odds that will happen?

Guys this is just a one day ordeal for you, but women, you have my sympathy. This woman who is getting married is going to make your life a living hell. She won’t want to make a single wrong decision. So she will appoint “guess who?” as her bride’s maid. Yes, she will choose the Best Friend. They get to be involved in this process every step of the way. I have only one word of advice to any of you ladies who are asked to be bride’s maids. If you hear the word elope come out of her mouth, Carpe diem baby. Save everyone for you may never again get a chance like this to be a hero to so many.

This Last thing can be a never-ending death that you may have to survive only to repeat again. If you have a lot of friends there is one thing you better not own. If you find yourself suddenly becoming Mr. or Mrs. Popularity, and your friends are growing beyond a reasonable rate of speed, you better get on Craig’s list as fast as you can, and sell that pickup truck to the first person who is physically able to write a check.pickup

You are going to be hauling everything everywhere. You will hate tax refund season, because that is when people by things like furniture, TV’s, Refrigerators, ovens, ranges, and other things in large heavy boxes. You are going to haul the stuff. My advice to you; if you have to have a pickup truck put it in the shop in February, and don’t take it out until May.

I am proud to say that there is a group of close knit friends where NONE of this ever comes to pass. This is a group of close friends that would never expect any of these things of one another. These are the many and the proud; “The Bloggers”. This is a group that absolutely has something that prevents any of this tension from ever coming between them. They have the only thing would prevent a life of unsolicited misery. That is geography; we are simply too far apart geographically speaking.

Blog buddies are the top shelf, the Cadillac, the crème of the crop, the best of the best, when it comes to friends. I do love these people, but I love everyone who takes time out of their lives to be a part of mine.

I have some really great and amazing friends here in South Carolina. I would and I have helped them move. I have hauled their stuff and their garbage, and I was prould to see them get married. I am a good friend to the people here that I love. I will always be there for them.

Here in SC I have what I like to call a manageable number of friends.

I will bet you if Valentine Logar bought a new house, she might call upon friends to help her. I love Val and I would do anything for her, but I am all the way in South Carolina. It wouldn’t even make sense to call me. It would not occur to her to ask me. I love Val enough to help her move, but it is never going to happen.

Jade Reyner might get an entire brand new kitchen, complete with cabinets and appliances, and a giant sofa for her living room. Even though I drive a pick-up truck she is not going to call me. She is too good a friend to expect me to drive across the ocean to the UK in my pickup truck, just to help her het her kitchen delivered.

Wow! I couldn’t wait to do this one. If Essa Alroc were to get married she might very well invite me to the wedding, but under the circumstances given our “Geography” she would never expect me to show. She would certainly understand if I couldn’t make it. I don’t think I would miss that one for the world though.

My point to all this is that being a friend is not just a title. It is a responsibility. As much as I hate to admit this, my life would be empty without responsibility. Responsibility is that which gives us a purpose.

I have friends that I would give everything for. Sometimes you get a chance to be the person who they need when they need them. This is never easy, but it is a rare and beautiful thing. I don’t think I want to live in a world without them; they will certainly never live in a world without me.

Thank You friends for a great year at I am Tom Nardone

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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