Man, That’s a Cadillac.
Brody Bricker was one of my best friends growing up. He lived to cause trouble. He would do anything to get a reaction out of someone. He had absolutely no conscience, and the only time I ever saw him smile, was after causing any kind of mayhem.
I have changed his name, the names of his victims, and the names of any businesses that might have suffered at the expense of his entertainment.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Brody Bricker
“Man, That’s a Cadillac”
It was one summer and my friend Brody Bricker called me very excited. His mom had decided to take him to Jekyll Island for a summer vacation. Brody was thrilled when his mom said that he could invite me to go with them. His mom and dad thought a lot of me, and they told my parents that she would pay for everything. My parents were fine with it and told me not to let him get me into any trouble. They knew what brody was. I was 11 years old at the time and had never been to the ocean.
We left early one morning and got there around lunch time. After we checked into our hotel room, Brody’s mom said she was going to the pool and we could do “whatever”.
We decided to go to the beach. We swam for about 2 hours and Brody came over to me and said “Hey Tom, I have to use the bathroom. Come with me. I don’t know if I will remember where the hotel room is” I said that would be fine so we grabbed our towels and went toward the parking lot.
This was a very big hotel complex. The walk back to the room was a good ten minutes, and we had to walk across the parking lot which was a giant plane of black asphalt. I explained to Brody that it would take a while and he said well I am not walking that far. I knew that meant trouble.
Shortly after we began our journey across the parking lot Brody started checking to see who the unfortunate bastard who was stupid enough not to lock his car door would be. I said “Brody are you crazy? What are you doing?” He said “Don’t worry about it Tom and lower your voice, I don’t wanna get caught.” He checked a lot of cars and I was getting irritated. Just as I was about to say something else, He found one. It was a beautiful silver Cadillac. I really did not know what his plans were.
Brody said “Tom go stand over there you are not going to want to watch what comes next.” I of course, obliged him and walked far enough away to not see any details, but close enough to see what he was doing. Brody took his swim trunks off and entered the back seat of this Cadillac. He put his feet on the lip of the back seat, and his ass in front of the backseat head rest. He put his hands on the head rests of the front seats. What happened next is one of the worst things I have ever seen. (I will try to be tasteful.)
Brody was obviously having some kind of gastric issues. When the bomb bay doors opened he dropped the entire payload. It was awful. I could hear the awful sounds from fifty feet away. At first he was laughing so hard he couldn’t stand it, but then the smell hit him and I saw him start to gag. It got to be too much and he started to throw up. He was having a tough time in there as you might imagine. Then finally, he seemed to be finished. I was so relieved. I just knew he would get out of the car, close the door, get dressed, and then we could leave, but not just yet.
I was worried we were going to get caught at this point. I said “Brody what are you doing now!” He immediately resumed his laughter and said “I am almost done. I have to wipe.” He got out of the back seat and closed the door, still with no pants on, and laughing. He opened the front seat, and entered the car for the second time. I had to go in for a closer look. I watched him place the crack of his ass on the lip of the front seat. He then carefully pulled himself from one side of the Cadillac to the other, dragging his ass across it, using the entire length of the front seat to de-soil himself. It reminded me of a dog dragging it’s ass across the yard.
Finally, Brody closed up the car and locked it. He put his trunks on looked at me as if nothing had happened and said “You want to go swim some more?”
For the rest of the day I could not stop thinking about the hot Georgia sun baking the unholy mess that Brody left in that Cadillac.
I have always wondered what kind of reaction these people must have had when they found that their car, for no reason had been made into a crime scene.
Thinking back I just hope that whoever owned that car was some sex offender, or rapist, or any other person that the world deems as undesirable. As an 11 year old kid, it was just funny.