Cell Phone No More
I did own a cell phone about seven years ago. I was at the point where my contract was up in three days and was set to renew automatically. I thought about it and said “Hell I guess I’ll just let it renew.” The next day was Friday. I was at work and it was fifteen minutes before I was going to leave. I had the weekend off and I could not get out of there soon enough.
Finally, it was five minutes ‘til 3:00pm, and I began that magical walk toward the time clock, I hit the clock and was on my way to the front door, and it happened. RINNNNNNNG! It was my wife she said “Tom are you still at Home Depot” I said, still at this point with a smile on my face “Yes dear I am walking out the door” She said “Well I am glad I caught you. I need you to grab a few things on your way out.” I didn’t want to do it but if it makes her happy I thought fine. I can just do it, and start my awesome weekend off on a cooperative note. I said “OK dear, what do we need?” with her next words I knew that whatever plans I might have had for a great weekend were now in the shitter. She responded “You are going to need a pen”
Here are the things that I grabbed on the way out. 25 bags of mulch, 60 fence pickets, a wheelbarrow, a hundred foot garden hose, and a bunch of other little things. For those of you not cursed with the burden of owning a home, these are the kinds of things homeowners buy to ensure that they have a real shitty weekend. Most of you know my position on yard work. Nothing gives me the red-ass like being stopped on my way out the building after I have clocked out, but after this, I was devastated. If you have ever gotten so mad that your anger turns to tears or crying, then you know how I felt. I wrote it all down and managed to push the words “I love you dear” out of my body, and then I hung up.
BROKEN CELL PHONE
My cell phone, my wonderful, fifty dollar a month, pain in the ass, heart-breaking, soul killing, cell phone, with a fist covered in talcum powder had screwed me for the last time. After hanging up with my wife, I looked at my cell phone and smiled. I then dropped it, still smiling, and watched it go hurling toward the concrete floor of the Home Depot. My smile turned to anger and I began violently jumping up and down on that phone like a child throwing a tantrum. There were pieces of cell phone flying everywhere. When I finished, I noted that two couples that were shopping, were watching my performance. I looked at them and said “I just got some really bad news from home” They nodded as if to offer me their sympathy, and I got the stuff and went home.
I got home and went insides the house and Yvonne said “Did you get everything?” I said “yes dear, I have to go upstairs and take care of something.” I went up to my man-cave and called Sprint. I told them I would not be renewing my contract. They explained to me that to cancel my contract they would need a letter from me thirty days before the termination date.
I did not even get mad. I just said “Well it is your right to continue my service, just as it is my right to not send you any more money. I am not going to write you a letter, but I will stop sending you money. I imagine you will get tired of providing me with service before I get tired of not spending fifty dollars a month, thereby giving other people access to my ass for the purpose of causing it pain. Believe me ma’am your services has caused me more pain today then I have time to explain.”
The Sprint lady said “Sir this will be reported to the credit bureau, and will result in a negative mark on your credit.” I said “Well of course it will, believe me many others have gone there before you. Sprint will be, but another drop of water in the Sea of Tom Nardone. So by all means, feel free to do your worst. Thank you for your time ma’am”
I hung up the phone, and went downstairs and began the hell that would be my weekend.
Cell phone for Tom? No Thank You. I would rather have a fish hook in my ass.
I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.
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