Tom & Yvonne Nardone Take Orlando

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EXPECTO-PATRONUM

My wife and I went to Orlando Florida this past week. I was not real wild at the idea of going anywhere that was not my man-cave or my living room. I am on record with my feelings on ever leaving the house. I still cannot believe we went this far away from home. I have lots of anxiety about being far from home and my chair; even when we go out for an hour or two.

We had made and paid for our reservations so our departure was eminent. I thought there was a glimmer of hope when Yvonne told me it would be overcast and rainy all next week in Orlando. I was actually euphoric for a moment and thought, “WOW we may be going to Orlando, but at least we don’t have to do anything!”

Later when I came home I found a bag on the kitchen table containing two ponchos. Yes, apparently my wife is hell-bent on doing shit while we are in Orlando. She was so committed that she was willing to do it in the rain if need be. I have got to admire her tenacity.

The morning before we left, things almost got gangster between us. spidertom--OrlandoShe was showing me you-tube videos of the rides at Universal Studios. There are a lot of rides there. The videos were of the insane people who have dared to ride on these machines designed to scare the shit out of their customers. I have no interest in shitting in my pants unless I am at work and trying to think of a reason to leave early. I told Yvonne I would not be riding them.

She then points out the fact that a bunch of kids are shown on the ride having a great time and laughing. “Sorry Yvonne, those kids are not yet smart enough to realize the risk they are taking. They are also with their parents and when kids are with their parents, there is an implied safety they feel. The demeanor of those kids is by no means based on their research or knowledge of the world.” It could simply be that their parents are without the benefit of brains.

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Tom & Yvonne

The Car trip was quite exciting. Yvonne and I are not used to paying tolls. We don’t travel on toll roads ever and Florida has toll roads. We went into the line at the toll booth, and I think the lady said,”$3.00 please”.  I handed her my debit card, but this was, of course, not good enough. Apparently the toll booth industry is a cash-only business. She gave us a card and asked us to please mail them a payment within a few days. (HAHA Yeah Okay). The next toll booth we went to the wrong booth it was the exact change booth, and there was no attendant. We sat there for a moment looking at each other, and then simply drove off. I have to say, for us, this felt like a real Bonnie and Clyde moment.

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Garbage Gardens

Arriving in Orlando

Finally, we arrived at our hotel. Our accommodations at “Garbage Gardens” were not bad. I mean a hotel in Orlando for fifty bucks a night is not easy to find, but I am glad we did. The toilet did not flush so I came up with the great plan of filling up the garbage can with water from the tub and flushing it that way. I don’t recommend you use hot water if you find yourself ever needing to do this; WOW.

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Heather & Carter Williams

Day one: at the park we went straight to the Harry Potter ride called “Diagon Alley”.  I will admit it was impressive but we waited in line for Five Hours. I don’t care how awesome it was, it was not worth five hours of my life that I will never get back. However Yvonne and I met a lovely lady named Heather Williams, and her son Carter. We laughed and joked and told stories. They were completely awesome. They both gave us the ins and outs of the park. Their tips helped Yvonne and I avoid a lot of rookie mistakes.

Day two: was completely awesome. We did nothing but sit in the room all day and watch house of cards on Netflix. Our asses were whipped from the twelve hour visit the day before.

Day three: was crazy. Yvonne had been trying to get me to go on these insane roller coasters and I refused over and over. However, I got an impulse and decided to ride “The Hulk”. This is an ass-twisting, shit-extracting, white knuckle thrill ride of a roller coaster. There was NO line so I said, “Okay Yvonne, let’s do it.” We went right up to the entrance and entered the ride. It lasted about forty-five seconds. When we got off the ride, Yvonne was nearly catatonic. I was fine. But Yvonne was not interested riding any more insane rides; which was fine with me.

We spent the last two days at the ADDA Conference. That story will be on my other blog. We were in Orlando for five nights and we did not eat out every night. We went to the grocery store but we forgot to buy forks or spoons. I think the sight of me eating potato salad out of the container with my fingers was a little more than Yvonne was ready to witness. God bless her.

The ride home was fun. Yvonne and I talked and laughed for almost the whole eight hours. I think in some ways this was the best part of the trip. Yvonne is funny and a great conversationalist. I love her more than I love sitting on my ass.

Seeing my house as we pulled in was wonderful. Upon entering my home I saw the greatest thing of all. My chair was waiting patiently for me. I could almost hear it begging for my ass to plant itself firmly in its bosom. Life is good.

I am Tom Nardone and you are welcome.

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Superhero, You Can Take That Job and Shove It!

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I think the world can never have enough heroes. Everybody loves the hero. Heroes are defined by many different characteristics ranging from strength to survival or anyone paving the way through great adversity, so that others can more easily take a similar path. However, as far as the job of a superhero, you can take that job and shove it!

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The Conclusion of Nardone v/s Nardone | The Jury is In!

MY FIRST VIDEO POST!!

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I have a special treat for you all today. If you did not catch my last post, you should go there now.

While I did win the majority vote for the most rational thinker, I am still finding myself unsatisfied. I really feel like it was just too close of a race.  53.06% for Tom Nardone, and a discouraging 46.94% for my lovely wife, Yvonne Nardone. I will not debate the issue any further. I would like to thank all of you who voted.

I am Tom Nardone, and am therefore awesome. I am an awesome husband. My desire for my wife was for her not to have to go out of her way to get something we already have. She did not feel well and I would have done anything to help her avoid any further discomfort.

Today she came home from work with a new mixer. Her plan was to bake a cake for her brother. We are celebrating his birthday tomorrow. I had a different plan. Continue reading

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Nardone v/s Nardone | You Be the Judge!!

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We are trying something a little bit different here today at I am Tom Nardone. Today my wife and I had our first “I-gument” I coined that word as far as I know, so I will  explain what I mean. an “I-gument” is like an argument that you have on an Ipod or an Iphone via text message. Today you get to be the beneficiary of our little disagreement.

Normally you get to sit back, relax , and get a double dose of awesomeness. Today I am asking for you do do the thinking as I sit back and relax. I want the truth from you people. No judgement no dirty looks from me. I want you to view the conversation, compare it to your own system of common sense, and then, weigh in and vote.

I know I have blogged against the idea of voting before and now I am asking you to vote. If you can see your way clear of my own personal hypocrisy, I think we can all enjoy this.

Depending on its reception and/or how angry my wife gets when she wakes up tomorrow and sees this, we might just have our first  series here. I can almost taste the excitement

This was initiated by Yvonne from the MD-360 medical center. I was at home working tirelessly on a very important project.

when all of a sudden…

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DO NOT MISS   PART 2 THE VIDEO CONCLUSION 

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Don’t Pick a Fight With Your Body, It Will Kick Your ASS!!

Tom Nardone

by Tom Nardone

My normal routine on my days off, while for me, are thrilling, would not be considered exciting to most. I wake up drink a pot of coffee as I sit on my ass in my favorite chair. While I am sitting, I will either write a story or catch up on some of my email, responding to comment, or if I am really motivated, my reading. When it gets late, I will go upstairs and either play Xbox or go to bed. Last week, wife felt the need to disrupt this.

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Whoever cares the least, WINS!!!!

cares-the-least-tom-nardone-10-13All of us, at some or another, will find ourselves in the midst of a confrontation. It could be between husband and wife, brother and sister, boyfriend and girlfriend, or manager and employee. The differences that we hold will all be different. Both sides will believe that they are right, and for that reason, they will be victorious. Being right or being wrong have nothing to do with victory or defeat. Victory is always shared by the same group of people. Victory goes to those that care the least. Continue reading

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The Passive Aggressive: Artist or Asshole?

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by Tom Nardone

A term I have heard people use a great deal in my life is “Passive Aggressive”. No one ever speaks well of passive aggression. I hear people say “ugggh, she is such a passive aggressive bitch”, or “Why does he have to be so passive aggressive?” The English Dictionary, defines passive aggressive behavior as: “Away of behaving that seeks to manipulate others indirectly and resist their demands rather than confronting or opposing directly”

Maybe you are one of those people, who doesn’t appreciate this method of conflict resolution. Perhaps you find it to be, an annoying and condescending display of narcissism. Maybe you feel you are just being controlled, as if you were a puppet, enslaved to the will of the puppeteer. You feel this is a person’s attempt, to twist you up as if you were a pretzel. Possibly you feel very strongly about this and therefore have a need to be heard on this issue. Well…no, that is what you need. What you need is a t-shirt that says, “Hi I am the stupidest asshole you will meet all day” Continue reading

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OH NO! There’s Nothing On Netflix! | So Let’s Make Lemonade!!!

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As some of you know, my wife and I have recently said goodbye to cable TV. This has left us with limited choices in terms of A/V entertainment. By limited, I mean Netflix. I have not been affected too severely, since the only show I watch is “Archer”. The rest of my family has needs that are not being met. Continue reading

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Confessions of a TV Addict

yvonne nardone

by Yvonne Nardon

I never thought I could give up my cable box, or my DVR. I loved that I could tape all my favorite TV shows and would eagerly wait for them to be recorded. TV was my best friend. I would even watch TV and search and record for stuff that was playing so I could get an uninterrupted fix of recorded commercial free TV. At one point I was having conflicts on how many shows I could record during the same time slot. I even started recording late night talk shows because there wasn’t any conflict. Even though I didn’t like the talk shows that much, but at least they fed my habit until I could get the real junk in my veins.

yvonne in prison

Yes I was a full blown addict. I would lie cheat and steal to get my shows. I hogged up the recording  so much that my family got shorted and had to get their own box. I even secretly recorded the Kadashians and would delete it quickly so that they  wouldn’t  how far gone I was.

syringe - upMy intervention came when I opened the cable bill instead of throwing it in the trash. I set it up on auto pay to avoid the sting of having to look

at the bill each month. When I opened the bill it hit me like a bolt of lightning. Lightning turned to anger, and then anger turned to regret. I Knew it had to stop.

Like stages of grief I was in denial about the bill. I even started to bargain with the “SYDCC” to try to get my bill lowered. As hard as I tried, in the end i was not doable. With the help of my husband I canceled my entire TV service.

I’ve been clean for one week and so far I’m OK. I still have Netflix until that runs dry. So far  I’m satisfied. I’m going to get an antenna to watch to news and that’s it. I will miss my friends; Ellen, Chelsea, and the new fall line up, i will make it though, one episode at a time.

At last I’m free. I fired cable TV.

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I Am Tom Nardone Presents: “DAY-CEPTION”

doctortom

by Tom Nardone

I owe the title for this article to my son Brett A. Fuller. I promised him a credit in this post. So, promise kept.

I feel that I have stumbled across an amazing discovery. Like many discoveries, It was discovered completely by accident. The research division of “I am Tom Nardone”, have unanimously decided, to share this with you. We sincerely hope you can benefit from this and your feedback will be carefully scrutinized by our analysts, should you be compelled to share it.

I recently was scheduled off three days in a row. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it is a wonderful thing. Yesterday I got up at 7:00am, and went into the kitchen to make some coffee. I began writing. I finished and posted an article, and then spent some time with my wife watching TV in the den. Sometime around noon, she was feeling like a nap and so was I. I went upstairs, and took a four hour nap. I got up again this time at 4:00pm and went to the kitchen and made a pot of coffee. This felt like the beginning of a new day. Just like that, My new discovery was born. From the mind of Tom Nardone, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present ”Day-Secting”? I did the very same thing on Tuesday, and here is what I would like to report.

This is my discovery; “Day-secting” – the day within a day.

I was off Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I “Day-sected” Monday, and Tuesday. I cut the second and third days into two small days or mini days. This brought the total days from Three to five.

This was amazing! When I finally went back to work, I really felt as if I had been off for five days. During my three days off, I kept thinking that I was supposed to be at work. I actually checked the calendar on my laptop to make sure that I was not missing it.  I figured that when I got back it would catch up to me and balance out, but it didn’t. I clocked in and it felt like I had been on vacation. When I got home that afternoon, I still could not get it out of my mind. I sat and pondered at what I had done.

I determined that I had discovered something extraordinary. I could not decide though whether I discovered a method of solving the “two days off a week is not enough” dilemma. OR had I just taken self-bullshitting to the next level, or perhaps turned it into an art form. I am in a quandary as to which one, but they both sound like something that I can be proud of.

While I will stand by this research, I do not plan to take it any further. After the success Day-secting two consecutive days, I had planned another test; I was going to schedule a vacation for myself, and commit to this program for seven straight days. I was going to Day-sect each day of my entire vacation.

I am reasonably sure that it would have felt like a two week vacation. I decided that this would put undue pressure on my family who depends on me for things. Another way to say this is that my wife has put the kibosh on it. “SO, OK EVERYBODY GET YOUR PARADE OUT SO YVONNE CAN RAIN ON IT!” I still maintain that this is an amazing discovery.

My wife Yvonne, on the other hand, is not nearly as impressed with this as I am. During the second day of “Day-secting”, she was leaving to go to the grocery store, as she left she said “I will be back in an hour and a half; I will need some help getting the groceries in.” I explained to her that Brett would help her to that because I was involved in an important experiment, and that my research would require me to go back to sleep for four hours. She said “oh God Tom, Day-secting?” I said “Yes dear, Day-secting.” she said “I love you Tom, but this is the stupidest thing you have ever done. You’re an idiot” and with that she left.

When she recently found out that this discovery was actually going to make it to my blog, she advised me not to do it. She said “Tom, Honey listen, This whole thing….. is just bullshit. Are you sure you are not going to embarrass yourself sweety?”

(Long Pause)

Me: “Darling, have you EVER read my blog?”

I continued and said to her in a tender tone of voice as if to eliminate her fears, “Yvonne, let me assure you that if it were possible for me to embarrass myself, I would have absolutely done it by now. Let me tell you why I am never going to be embarrassed. I AM TOM NARDONE, and I am a global phenomenon. People love and appreciate me, because of my Awesomeness. There are people all over the world, in countries I have never even heard of who go to my site. You call Day-secting a bunch of bullshit, well these people have hunger for my bullshit. Some of them have told me that they all sit down to the dinner table and have a big giant family dinner and guess what the main course is? Yep, that is correct The bullshit of Tom Nardone. I could read some comments to you, but do you really need me to?”

Yvonne: Ughhhhhhhh

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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