By Tom Nardone
Before I begin this story of deception, I should point out that my wife is the finest human being that God ever graced the earth with. She is perfect in every way, and I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I have never lied to her however; I would not say any of this about my ex-wife. All further references to my wife will be referring to my ex-wife, who I thought might have very well have been….”The Antichrist”
We had had a 600 square foot addition added to the back of our house that would later become our master bedroom. What I had planned to finish in just 3 to 4 months, ended up taking about (and I’m not kidding) four and a half years. What can I say? I’m ADD, and my favorite day of the week is tomorrow, so that is the day that I set aside to do important things in my life.
It was about two years into the project and spring was coming. My wife had been raising hell about the addition being finished, and then she decides to throw in that she wants the yard do be nice this year. One thing you need to know about my ex-wife and yard work is that my ex-wife did not do yard work. She wanted that yard to look nice that year, but not at the inconvenience of depriving our sofa the joy of having her ass spread out on it, while she watched reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer all day. The plan was for my ass to be outside working in the yard all day, and working on the addition al night. I knew my wife, and I knew, just like a day killing freight train, she would never stop.
I had what I then referred to as the ”The Misery Trifecta” A nagging wife, a 600 square foot addition, and now a yard to give a shit about after years of blissful neglect. All of my free time was in jeopardy, and I would not even be able to look forward to the weekends. The only thing I knew was that there was no way in hell I was going to do all that shit.
Ohhhhh, but something would have to be done.
(ok now fasten your seatbelt)
I waited two days until Sunday, early evening, after a whole weekend without a word of this coming up. I broke the silence and I said “Hey honey. I thought a lot about what you said about the yard and you know you’re right. I am going up to The Home Depot and figure out what we need to do to fix our yard.” she was so happy. I actually even went outside, and (just for show), I dug up a sample of our yard to show the people at Home Depot, so that they could help me. She thought that was great. I got in my car and left. About a mile down the road, I tossed the sample out of my window, and proceeded to the Depot. When I got there a man said;
Home Depot Guy: What can I do for you sir?
Me: I need to buy something to spray on my lawn that will kill every weed, every blade of grass, and every living thing in my whole yard.
Home Depot Guy: Excuse me sir?
Me: shall I repeat what I said?
Home Depot Guy You want to kill……….the lawn?
Home Depot Guy: OK uh, how big is your yard?
Me: Half an acre.
Home Depot Guy: One of these bottles of Roundup should do it.
Me: I’ll take two.
When I got home my wife was in bed, but I was so excited that I couldn’t even wait until morning. I got my sprayer and my roundup concoction (Double Strength) together and sprayed the entire backyard (Twice). I felt great. Here is something else that you must know. My wife worked Mon-Fri .She left the house at 6am (still dark outside) she got home at 6:30pm (still dark outside). She would not be home during the daylight hours until Saturday morning. I don’t mean to give Roundup a plug here, but credit where credit is due. I couldn’t believe how fast it worked. By Friday afternoon my yard was dead. I mean like post-apocalypse, tombstone, tumbleweed dead. For five days I watched my lawn die a slow death, and I could not have been more pleased with myself.
Friday night I went to work. It was just a few short hours until the big reveal. I worked third shift at the time. That night it occurred to me half way into my shift that in all the excitement that I had not thought about what I would tell my wife by way of an explanation. I thought about it all night. I got my friends involved, but all they could do was laugh and try to convince me that there was no way out.
After my shift I drove home and quietly walked around the side of my house into the backyard. Nope still dead. I thought a little and then a little more. I then decided it would just be best to come clean. There was a door into the bedroom off the back deck so I walked up to the door ready to admit my wrong doing and underhandedness. When my fingers touched the door I had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. This moment of clarity was some like this.
WHAT? Am I about to surrender to a dead lawn? I am Tom fucking Nardone. Nobody beats me. I always win. Of course my friends told me that I was going to be in the dog house. That is how their minds work. I adapt. Most people would see this as a situation as a death sentence, whereas I, on the other hand, will transform this would be disaster, into stage on which I steal the hearts and minds of my audience (my wife). Let the show begin.
Lights, Camera, Action!
An angry Tom Nardone walks onto the scene
“DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT!!!! WHAT THE HELL MOTHER#$@% sh@t” and on and on and on. My wife, hearing my rage, came outside and asked “What’s the matter Tom” I said “What’s the matter? Look at my yard, just look at it I killed the whole thing it’s all dead! I sprayed it with weed and GRASS killer. This is what the guy at Home Depot recommended. All that work and now look at it.” I then kicked something off the porch and knocked over a broom.
She said “Hey sweetie calm down, calm down. You tried. This is not your fault. It will grow back, and look, you will be able to focus on the addition this summer” I said “are you sure you’re not mad?” She said “No. I’m not mad” I said “OK just give me a minute out here and let me calm down” She said “OK I will go make some coffee” I said “Thanks for not being mad babe” She said don’t worry about it sweetie” and then she went inside.
I will now, figuratively take a bow.
With no rehearsal, no second takes, and no script, I was the writer, producer, and director of a larger-than-life production. I did what would have undeniably brought Broadway to its knees, and I did it on the fly.
This scheme had a two pronged effect. First, I got out of doing any yard work for the entire spring and summer. Second, every time my wife saw the yard, she was reminded that I cared enough to try to make a difference. As it turned out, she was right about that. I made a tremendous difference; especially when the wind blew
I do not dispute that what I did, was deceptive, however if you will review the text, at NO time did I ever lie to her. The only things I said to her were that I would “fix” our yard. We certainly had different ideas about what that meant. The only other things I said to her about it was “look at the yard, I killed it. The whole thing is dead”, and “this is what the guy recommended” all of that was true.
This story is 100% true. Maybe you are the type of a person who likes a good moral to a story. What do you think about this one?
Don’t ever take a step backwards. I did not review my actions and figure out what we talked about and came up with some lie. don’t ever lie to your spouse. It makes for a bad marriage. I did not put this things in reverse. I shifted it into overdrive put the pedal to the floor, and gave the performance of a life time. If I had come clean with my wife; she would have been mad, I would have worked my ass off all summer and you would be on facebook reading a less awesome story written by a less awesome man. Because of me, The past ten minutes of your life have been completely kick-ass.
I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.
****Important announcement from Tom********
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