Clutter is finished, Get That Table Out of My Sight

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by Tom Nardone

Clutter, For the past six or seven months, has taken over my man-cave and it is currently in disarray. This is where I spend the majority of my time alone, and it has slowly evolved into a disaster area. I had gotten used to it and it really did not bother me. However, last night, it did begin to bother me. I was unable to talk myself out of allowing it to just continue.

When I woke up this morning, I made a pot
of coffee, took my meds with the first cup, and went back upstairs to see what would happen. I don’t ever set goals for myself because they can lead to disappointment. I just, …see what happens. Continue reading

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Bullshit 101 | with Tom Nardone Part I

Bullshit-tom-nardone-101602Good day, class, and Welcome to #Bullshit 101 Part I (BS101). I will be your instructor. We will cover a range of topics but the focus of our class will will be offense and defense; that is how to identify and protect yourself from bullshit, and of course, how to implement your own bullshit. Let’s dive right into it shall we. Continue reading

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I Am Tom Nardone | How May I Help You?

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I am Tom Nardone. In spite of what many people believe, I do not know everything. I know, I know, but it’s true. There are many things, I don’t know. At my job, I am asked over a hundred questions a day. Most of the time, I know the answers but when I don’t, I have specific people that I go to for the answer. I think of these people as my “go-to-guys”. I have been at my job for 14 years, so I am a go-to-guy when others run into difficulty. I am all about the help. Continue reading

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The Passive Aggressive: Artist or Asshole?

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by Tom Nardone

A term I have heard people use a great deal in my life is “Passive Aggressive”. No one ever speaks well of passive aggression. I hear people say “ugggh, she is such a passive aggressive bitch”, or “Why does he have to be so passive aggressive?” The English Dictionary, defines passive aggressive behavior as: “Away of behaving that seeks to manipulate others indirectly and resist their demands rather than confronting or opposing directly”

Maybe you are one of those people, who doesn’t appreciate this method of conflict resolution. Perhaps you find it to be, an annoying and condescending display of narcissism. Maybe you feel you are just being controlled, as if you were a puppet, enslaved to the will of the puppeteer. You feel this is a person’s attempt, to twist you up as if you were a pretzel. Possibly you feel very strongly about this and therefore have a need to be heard on this issue. Well…no, that is what you need. What you need is a t-shirt that says, “Hi I am the stupidest asshole you will meet all day” Continue reading

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OH NO! There’s Nothing On Netflix! | So Let’s Make Lemonade!!!

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As some of you know, my wife and I have recently said goodbye to cable TV. This has left us with limited choices in terms of A/V entertainment. By limited, I mean Netflix. I have not been affected too severely, since the only show I watch is “Archer”. The rest of my family has needs that are not being met. Continue reading

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Attention Assholes, Please Don’t Masquerade As Decent People.

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by Tom Nardone

This was a memorable Christmas eve for one asshole

Sometimes, around the holidays, you will hear people give a hollow showing of empathy towards those of us poor downtrodden assholes who are not fortunate enough to be off for the holidays. I know and appreciate that there are those who truly do feel for all of us, and think it a poor decision that we are made to work. There are also those that only pretend to feel that way. They cast there horseshit out to represent themselves so that the world will believe they give a shit. We have a word for these people. That word is “Asshole”. I am Tom Nardone, and I have taken on the burden to educate these people.

This past Christmas Eve, I was at the local Publix, getting some things that my wife said we could not do without. I gathered my things and then proceeded to the checkout line. There was a lady in front of me. She was buying several bottles of wine, some beer, a couple of those lunch meat platters, and a bunch of other things you would buy when you have a lot of company over. She seemed to be a very well off or like some lady who had never worked a day in her life. While we were in line I noticed the checkout guy had a wedding ring. I remember thinking “man he’s probably got a family that would rather have him at home.” I had just gotten off work so I guess that is how I justified my presence there.

Someone left and then it was the rich lady’s turn to load her items on the conveyer.  When she finished loading, she looked at this young man and said, in a very southern accent “I swear, I just cannot believe that they make you people come in and work today of all days.”

WHAT?

*****CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC*****

I am Tom Nardone. A decision to, do the right thing or to do nothing, has been placed before me. Should I let this person wander the earth being so consumed by her empty life that she is completely unaware of the fact that words have meaning? Can I in good conscience let her think that this kind of shit is acceptable to the good people of this country? Could I just stand there and let this poor bastard who needs his job too much to risk it by explaining shit to this idiot?  That would be No No and No. I will always answer a call for help because I have to wake up tomorrow and live with my decision. I am Tom Nardone and it is time to put the “AWE” in AWESOME.

*****CUE HEROIC MUSIC*****publix-super

I said to this lady, in a very calm and unthreatening tone of voice,

“Well ma’am, the reason they are open today is because people like you, are entertaining a bunch of winos who care more about guzzling down their white zinfandel, and getting blitzed than they do about a working man who is away from his family on Christmas Eve.” She said “Excuse me sir!!” I said “Yes Ma’am, you see, your presence in here today is creating a market, and an incentive for this store to be open. That is why you are able to come in here and buy more liquor to help your family get tanked on this most blessed day.” She said” My friends are not winos and who are you to talk to me like that. You are right behind me shopping today just like I am.” I said “Yes, but the difference is that I am not suppressing my guilt by offering a hollow apology to someone just because I believe they lack the intelligence to see through it. Do you really think this guy believes you think it is wrong for him to work today when you are in here having he ring you up?” She said “you better leave me alone!”

I did not say another word.

I don’t normally get involved in arguments with perfect strangers, particularly women. I afford them the highest respect. I was motivated to do it, because the poor bastard at the checkout register wanted to do it but couldn’t. When she left, the people behind me started laughing. The register guy was laughing, and of course so was I. I know I made what could have been a pretty simple event for this lady, turn into a very difficult one. I was not concerned about the inconvenience, or problems I gave this moron. I focused on all the laughs I gave a checkout guy who had to work on Christmas Eve. I hope when he got home and his wife asked him. ”Hey honey, how work was today?” I hope he said to her “Babe I missed you and the kids, but it was worth it. This this lady in my line said……”

The point is this. In the United States of America, Canada, England, and many other fine countries, it is your right to be an asshole. There are no asshole laws that I am aware of. This was not about “The Law” this was about right and wrong. Our forefathers died fighting for your right to be an asshole. That is your right. You should not be at all ashamed of it. Embrace that freedom, for it has been bestowed upon you.

I am not saying that it is right or wrong to shop on a holiday. If you are the person who would go all day without something you needed because it is a holiday, and you don’t want to be the one who is creating a marketplace for stores to stay open, then great. You are truly a person that lives what you believe. If you are a person who doesn’t care about anything except yourself, or whether a store is open or not, regardless of the day, then that is great too.

If you are going to be an asshole, then be one, but please don’t masquerade as a person who genuinely gives a shit. No one believes you when you empathize with them for their discomfort, while you are the one standing behind them drilling them in the ass.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

If you would like to be notified of future posts, You can follow me on facebook here.

or

If you would like to be notified via email, then go to the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME”

IT WILL FEEL GREAT!!!

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I Am Tom Nardone, and I Can Make Your Dreams Come True!!!

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By Tom Nardone

A great man once said, “The Less you expect, the less you will be disappointed”. Many of you know that great man was I, Tom Nardone.

Some people, my wife among them, have expressed that they feel that is a very negative outlook. I cannot understand how they could feel this way. Some of you may feel the same way. Here at I am Tom Nardone, I don’t just say something and ask you to blindly enter my way of thinking. I love and care for you all, and for that reason I am always happy to explain to you why you are wrong, and why I am awesome.

The less you expect the less you will be disappointed is a road map to being happy. So let us begin by identifying what makes us sad.

Sadness occurs when life falls short of our expectations. We go into a job interview and we expect we will get a call. We wait by the phone all day and sadly it does not ring. Then it does ring and it is not who we hoped it would be. I have been there, and had to explain to my family member why I sounded so disappointed when I found out it was them calling. This can be devastating.

On the other hand, a person being home all day who doesn’t expect to get a phone call, will not be driving everybody in the house crazy every time they see us use the phone during this critical time. They are not expecting the call. Life has met their expectations.

These are reasonable expectations. It is extremely hard for someone to not expect a phone call, when they might be in desperate need of a job. I myself was unable to do this.

While my son was in middle school, there was constant drama every day in my home. I would come home from work fully expecting that he had gotten in trouble, and there would have to be some family meeting where he would feed me a bunch of bullshit. Normally that did not happen, and I would be pleasantly surprised. Imagine how upset I would be if I expected a peaceful home and walked into a damn warzone.

There are people on this planet who expect their favorite football team to win every game. They leave no room for the chance that they could possibly lose. They watch intently as their team is being bitch-slapped around the field for four straight quarters. The game then ends and they are not only disappointed but, crushed. These particular people have two problems. one, there expectations were way higher than what life brought them, and two, these people are a bunch of assholes. (more on that when football season begins)

There are things in your life that you want to achieve. You might be one of those people who set goals for yourself. You might even be a student of Tony Robins, and you write your goals down. Goals can lead to disappointment as well. Some people are way overly serious about their goals. Maybe you have met this guy.

 I have SET a goal it is a firm and stern metric that I plan on hitting no matter the cost. It is do or die and I swear to god I will destroy the son of a bitch who stands between me and my goals, and then I will feast on their flesh, and shit them into the river.

For a better understanding I have spent a great deal of time preparing this Graph. I would like to dedicate this graph to my very good friend at “Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants” who also happens to be awesome, and a lover of blog art.

Graph complete

Notice in the above graph that life is constant. I know that there are ups and downs but we cannot control it so it will be displayed as constant. Expectations on the other hand can be controlled so we will show them at varying levels. Here is what I want you to notice.

While life is constant it begins with our expectations being very high. This causes an increase in the “Sadness Envelope”.  As our level of expectation goes down the Sadness Envelope gets smaller. Then we see something amazing happen. When our level of expectation drops below what life has delivered to us we see the start of the Happiness Envelope. We then see, as you might expect, a larger level of happiness when our expectations are at the lowest.

Goals that people set hover over them and put stress on them. Don’t we have enough to worry about without this self-inflicted shit looming over us too?

The Point

So am I saying that we should wander through life with no goals, or expectations? Hell No I am not. There are things in this world that are just more important than our happiness. Parents with kids, when it comes to their well-being, well, screw your happiness. When it is time and get up and take your ass to the job that feeds and houses your family, screw your happiness. We should challenge ourselves and we should try to make ourselves happier.

When I started this blog, I had goals. There are things I would like to have as a result of this website. I want my awesomeness to span the globe. I want people to hear the name Tom Nardone, and think to themselves “is awesome”. I want a parade in my honor and all of my posts put to music and to be sang by millions. I want a thirty foot statue, made of solid gold in my likeness to be erected in front of the WordPress home office, and I want my face on the one dollar bill, but I don’t expect it.

I think we all should have goals hopes and dreams. I certainly have them. I have goals, and expectations of my family, and for this blog, and a lot of other things. When those are not met of course I am disappointed. Having no expectations is no way to go through life. You only get one shot down here on earth so you do whatever it takes to be happy. If it is setting goals, daydreaming, or posting your own brand of bullshit over the internet, then that is what you should be doing

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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Tom Nardone Vs The Lawn | Let’s Mow Some Ass.

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By Tom Nardone

Before I begin this story of deception, I should point out that my wife is the finest human being that God ever graced the earth with. She is perfect in every way, and I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I have never lied to her however; I would not say any of this about my ex-wife. All further references to my wife will be referring to my ex-wife, who I thought might have very well have been….”The Antichrist”

We had had a 600 square foot addition added to the back of our house that would later become our master bedroom. What I had planned to finish in just 3 to 4 months, ended up taking about (and I’m not kidding) four and a half years.  What can I say?  I’m ADD, and my favorite day of the week is tomorrow, so that is the day that I set aside to do important things in my life.

It was about two years into the project and spring was coming. My wife had been raising hell about the addition being finished, and then she decides to throw in that she  wants the yard do be nice this year. One thing you need to know about my ex-wife and yard work is that my ex-wife did not do yard work. She wanted that yard to look nice that year, but not at the inconvenience of depriving our sofa the joy of having her ass spread out on it, while she watched reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer all day. The plan was for my ass to be outside working in the yard all day, and working on the addition al night. I knew my wife, and I knew, just like a day killing freight train, she would never stop.

I had what I then referred to as the ”The Misery Trifecta” A nagging wife, a 600 square foot addition, and now a yard to give a shit about after years of blissful neglect. All of my free time was in jeopardy, and I would not even be able to look forward to the weekends.  The only thing I knew was that there was no way in hell I was going to do all that shit.

Ohhhhh, but something would have to be done.

(ok now fasten your seatbelt)

I waited two days until Sunday, early evening, after a whole weekend without a word of this coming up. I broke the silence and I said “Hey honey. I thought a lot about what you said about the yard and you know you’re right. I am going up to The Home Depot and figure out what we need to do to fix our yard.” she was so happy. I actually even went outside, and (just for show), I dug up a sample of our yard to show the people at Home Depot, so that they could help me. She thought that was great. I got in my car and left. About a mile down the road, I tossed the sample out of my window, and proceeded to the Depot. When I got there a man said;

Home Depot Guy: What can I do for you sir?

Me:    I need to buy something to spray on my lawn that will kill every weed, every blade of grass, and every living thing in my whole yard.

Home Depot Guy: Excuse me sir?

Me:    shall I repeat what I said?

Home Depot Guy You want to kill……….the lawn?

Me: Winner!!!!!

Home Depot Guy:   OK uh, how big is your yard?

Me:   Half an acre.

Home Depot Guy:   One of these bottles of Roundup should do it.

Me: I’ll take two.

When I got home my wife was in bed, but I was so excited that I couldn’t even wait until morning. I got my sprayer and my roundup concoction (Double Strength) together and sprayed the entire backyard (Twice). I felt great. Here is something else that you must know. My wife worked Mon-Fri .She left the house at 6am (still dark outside) she got home at 6:30pm (still dark outside). She would not be home during the daylight hours until Saturday morning.  I don’t mean to give Roundup a plug here, but credit where credit is due. I couldn’t believe how fast it worked. By Friday afternoon my yard was dead. I mean like post-apocalypse, tombstone, tumbleweed dead. For five days I watched my lawn die a slow death, and I could not have been more pleased with myself.

Friday night I went to work. It was just a few short hours until the big reveal. I worked third shift at the time. That night it occurred to me half way into my shift that in all the excitement that I had not thought about what I would tell my wife by way of an explanation. I thought about it all night. I got my friends involved, but all they could do was laugh and try to convince me that there was no way out.

After my shift I drove home and quietly walked around the side of my house into the backyard. Nope still dead. I thought a little and then a little more. I then decided it would just be best to come clean. There was a door into the bedroom off the back deck so I walked up to the door ready to admit my wrong doing and underhandedness. When my fingers touched the door I had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. This moment of clarity was some like this.

WHAT? Am I about to surrender to a dead lawn? I am Tom fucking Nardone. Nobody beats me. I always win. Of course my friends told me that I was going to be in the dog house. That is how their minds work. I adapt. Most people would see this as a situation as a death sentence, whereas I, on the other hand, will transform this would be disaster, into stage on which I steal the hearts and minds of my audience (my wife). Let the show begin.

Lights, Camera, Action!

An angry Tom Nardone walks onto the scene

“DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT!!!! WHAT THE HELL MOTHER#$@% sh@t” and on and on and on. My wife, hearing my rage, came outside and asked “What’s the matter Tom” I said “What’s the matter? Look at my yard, just look at it I killed the whole thing it’s all dead! I sprayed it with weed and GRASS killer. This is what the guy at Home Depot recommended. All that work and now look at it.” I then kicked something off the porch and knocked over a broom.

She said “Hey sweetie calm down, calm down. You tried. This is not your fault. It will grow back, and look, you will be able to focus on the addition this summer” I said “are you sure you’re not mad?” She said “No. I’m not mad” I said “OK just give me a minute out here and let me calm down” She said “OK I will go make some coffee” I said “Thanks for not being mad babe” She said don’t worry about it sweetie” and then she went inside.

THE END

I will now, figuratively take a bow.

With no rehearsal, no second takes, and no script, I was the writer, producer, and director of a larger-than-life production. I did what would have undeniably brought Broadway to its knees, and I did it on the fly.

This scheme had a two pronged effect. First, I got out of doing any yard work for the entire spring and summer. Second, every time my wife saw the yard, she was reminded that I cared enough to try to make a difference. As it turned out, she was right about that. I made a tremendous difference; especially when the wind blew

I do not dispute that what I did, was deceptive, however if you will review the text, at NO time did I ever lie to her. The only things I said to her were that I would “fix” our yard. We certainly had different ideas about what that meant. The only other things I said to her about it was “look at the yard, I killed it. The whole thing is dead”, and “this is what the guy recommended” all of that was true.

This story is 100% true. Maybe you are the type of a person who likes a good moral to a story. What do you think about this one?

Don’t ever take a step backwards. I did not review my actions and figure out what we talked about and came up with some lie. don’t ever lie to your spouse. It makes for a bad marriage. I did not put this things in reverse. I shifted it into overdrive put the pedal to the floor, and gave the performance of a life time. If I had come clean with my wife; she would have been mad, I would have worked my ass off all summer and you would be on facebook reading a less awesome story written by a less awesome man. Because of me, The past ten minutes of your life have been completely kick-ass.

 I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

****Important announcement from Tom********

There are two ways to be notified of future posts. Click HERE and like or follow my new Facebook page, or you can scroll up and subscribe via email. One other thing; I answer every comment I get. There are a lot of places that you get here from, and sometimes I cant find them all. If I don’t respond to you, that is because I did not see you. If you want to be sure I see it, then comment on this site below where it says “Speak to me”.  leave them wherever you are happy doing so, I just don’t want you thinking that I don’t love you.

 

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I am Tom Nardone, and I am ADD

Screw the PTA. Worry About Your Child

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By Tom Nardone

I have spoken to a lot of parents, who have children with ADD. They all have at least one thing in common; they all care about their children. I categorize them into two groups; those that medicate, and those who do not medicate. I fully agree with those who medicate, and I understand the skepticism for those that don’t.

I am Tom Nardone. When I was growing up I can remember back to some of the things that were done or said to me as a result of being ADD. I had a real hard time understanding simple instructions, because I could not quiet my own mind long enough to listen when they were given.

To this day, the greatest man I have ever known was my father. I remember some of the things he used to say to me; “Tommy, I sure am glad my life doesn’t depend on your speed” or “What? You left your homework at home? Did you think that you were having class at our house?” and my personal favorite is when my father would ask why I did not do something that asked me to do, and I would say “I didn’t hear that part” to which he would reply “Yah well Tommy I guess it is difficult to hear when your head is up your ass” I do miss my Dad.

I had a very tough time in school. It was common for me to work on projects for weeks or just do regular homework, only to leave them at home on the day were due. In spite of my studying for hours I did very poorly on tests.

Sometimes the teacher would be talking to the class about the days assignments and my mind would be somewhere else. I can’t tell you how many times I would come out of a daydream, and discover the rest of the class was quietly working, and I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. For most of my years in school I was the kid that everyone else made fun of for being stupid or weird. Sometimes the teachers chimed in, and that was more than I could handle.

I would like to tell you that the problems stopped there. But sadly, they went on to follow me at the many, many, many jobs I quit or got fired from. I don’t mind telling you, and I have said this before. I got fired every way you can think of. From “Hey Tom we are sorry but we just don’t have enough work to keep you on” to “YOU!! PACK YOUR SH#T AND GET THE F@#K OUT OF MY BUILDING” (I will tell you a little something about how it feels to get fired. It gets easier.) It is hard to drive through my town and not pass by two or three places that I have worked before. I thought it was funny at the time. It was however a source of concern for the people who loved me. My ADD also made relationships difficult.

During my former marriage, I had forgotten our anniversary two years in a row. The next year I committed to remember it, and I did. I had a card and gifts I went all out on decorating the house, so when my wife came home she would be surprised. She got home and she was quite surprised since it was not our anniversary that day. She was furious and made me take everything back. To make matters worse a few days later when our actual anniversary came to pass, I did nothing. I thought “Hey I blew it I’ll do better next year” That apparently was also the wrong answer. My point is that, to me that sounded reasonable

For those of you, who are looking for an alternative to medication, there you are. Everything you just read is the alternative to medication. The reason parents put their kids on medication is because it works. Yes we tried lists. We tried charts. We tried a system of rewards, reminder notes, and a lot of other things. None of it helped even a little.

Yes, you can micro-manage your child’s life and maybe you will successfully get them all the way through high school. Someday that kid is going to be on their own. It will be just them and their ADD and you won’t be able to go to work with them. You won’t be there to make a list for them. Then, what will they do. Well, I don’t know what they will do. I only know what you will do. Right or wrong, you will probably blame yourself.

The truth is parents are already giving their kids medication for other things. They don’t question it. They march them down to get a stupid flu shot every year. When their kids are sick and the doctor prescribes some anti-biotic that they can’t even pronounce, there they are in line at the pharmacy. Kids are regularly prescribed prednisone without their mom or dad batting an eye. (You should read the side effects for that). There is Tylenol for kids, Vicks for kids and over 100 different other drugs that parents buy right off the shelf and give their kids and why? Usually it is because they saw a commercial on TV where the kids looked so happy while they took their fun new medicine that has a picture of Sponge Bob on the bottle.

Given all of this, it perplexes me, why a loving parent cannot see their way clear to allow a doctor to prescribe medication for their own child who has been diagnosed with ADD. So their kid has the sniffles and they run right out and buy things they think will make them feel better. Their pediatrician tells them that their child has a stomach virus, they will go hauling ass out to the pharmacy to get that prescription filled. But a doctor tells them their child has ADD, and they simply won’t hear of “Oh NOOOOO!!………. HELL NO!!!……… I love my kids. I won’t be a party to pumping them full of meds!!”

I learned that I was ADHD at the age of 29. A man named Chet Smith who, while firing me, explained that I had ADD. I didn’t know what he was talking about. Later I went and checked up on this. I read a list of the symptoms my eyes were opened, but I had never taken drugs before and I did not want to start.

I was committed to doing this without any drugs, but nothing changed. Years later, it occurred to me the current state of my life might be the alternative to not taking medication. I got a prescription for Adderall and it changed my life, quite dramatically, and quite overnight. I started projects and then, Yah. I finished them. I found things that I was interested in and realized that I was pretty good at them. When I was at work, I focused on my job instead of worrying about how much longer it would be until I could leave. Most of all I was not so irritable all the time. Things in my Life have never been better.

I am married to a woman named Yvonne who I love more than I love myself. I have a step-son named Brett who I have watched grow into a man. I have been at the same job for 14 years. I have a website where I catalog my unique and/or humorous observations and stories that keeps me pretty busy. People read them and enjoy doing so.

I was a child at a time when there was no diagnosis for ADD. I had an incredibly challenging childhood in a world where people who knew me simply wondered why I was the way I was. Strange that I have heard parents say “I got some bad news from my son’s school today. They told me he is ADD.”

When I found out I was ADD, It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I can’t even tell you how wonderful it was to learn that the problems I had been having my whole life were not for the reasons that so many of my peers and teachers told me. I was not stupid. I was not weird, I was Tom Nardone. Today things are pretty good. I am Tom Nardone and I can tell you one thing about being Tom Nardone and that is that it is fun as hell to be Tom Nardone.

Alternatives to medication for ADD, is what a lot of people are searching for. It is what I have lived through for 29 years and I would not wish that on you. Please don’t do it to yourself or your kids.

My life is not perfect today, and it is not without its challenges. I am on top of it though. I am glad I don’t have to do it w/o my medication, and I am glad I don’t have to do it alone

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome

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Smart Money w/ Tom Nardone.| Put Your Future in My Hands

dollar tomI disagree with the idea that you must save your money all your life so you can “retire with dignity”. What I do believe in; is being happy today. I place no importance on investments. Continue reading

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