Attention Assholes, Please Don’t Masquerade As Decent People.

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by Tom Nardone

This was a memorable Christmas eve for one asshole

Sometimes, around the holidays, you will hear people give a hollow showing of empathy towards those of us poor downtrodden assholes who are not fortunate enough to be off for the holidays. I know and appreciate that there are those who truly do feel for all of us, and think it a poor decision that we are made to work. There are also those that only pretend to feel that way. They cast there horseshit out to represent themselves so that the world will believe they give a shit. We have a word for these people. That word is “Asshole”. I am Tom Nardone, and I have taken on the burden to educate these people.

This past Christmas Eve, I was at the local Publix, getting some things that my wife said we could not do without. I gathered my things and then proceeded to the checkout line. There was a lady in front of me. She was buying several bottles of wine, some beer, a couple of those lunch meat platters, and a bunch of other things you would buy when you have a lot of company over. She seemed to be a very well off or like some lady who had never worked a day in her life. While we were in line I noticed the checkout guy had a wedding ring. I remember thinking “man he’s probably got a family that would rather have him at home.” I had just gotten off work so I guess that is how I justified my presence there.

Someone left and then it was the rich lady’s turn to load her items on the conveyer.  When she finished loading, she looked at this young man and said, in a very southern accent “I swear, I just cannot believe that they make you people come in and work today of all days.”

WHAT?

*****CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC*****

I am Tom Nardone. A decision to, do the right thing or to do nothing, has been placed before me. Should I let this person wander the earth being so consumed by her empty life that she is completely unaware of the fact that words have meaning? Can I in good conscience let her think that this kind of shit is acceptable to the good people of this country? Could I just stand there and let this poor bastard who needs his job too much to risk it by explaining shit to this idiot?  That would be No No and No. I will always answer a call for help because I have to wake up tomorrow and live with my decision. I am Tom Nardone and it is time to put the “AWE” in AWESOME.

*****CUE HEROIC MUSIC*****publix-super

I said to this lady, in a very calm and unthreatening tone of voice,

“Well ma’am, the reason they are open today is because people like you, are entertaining a bunch of winos who care more about guzzling down their white zinfandel, and getting blitzed than they do about a working man who is away from his family on Christmas Eve.” She said “Excuse me sir!!” I said “Yes Ma’am, you see, your presence in here today is creating a market, and an incentive for this store to be open. That is why you are able to come in here and buy more liquor to help your family get tanked on this most blessed day.” She said” My friends are not winos and who are you to talk to me like that. You are right behind me shopping today just like I am.” I said “Yes, but the difference is that I am not suppressing my guilt by offering a hollow apology to someone just because I believe they lack the intelligence to see through it. Do you really think this guy believes you think it is wrong for him to work today when you are in here having he ring you up?” She said “you better leave me alone!”

I did not say another word.

I don’t normally get involved in arguments with perfect strangers, particularly women. I afford them the highest respect. I was motivated to do it, because the poor bastard at the checkout register wanted to do it but couldn’t. When she left, the people behind me started laughing. The register guy was laughing, and of course so was I. I know I made what could have been a pretty simple event for this lady, turn into a very difficult one. I was not concerned about the inconvenience, or problems I gave this moron. I focused on all the laughs I gave a checkout guy who had to work on Christmas Eve. I hope when he got home and his wife asked him. ”Hey honey, how work was today?” I hope he said to her “Babe I missed you and the kids, but it was worth it. This this lady in my line said……”

The point is this. In the United States of America, Canada, England, and many other fine countries, it is your right to be an asshole. There are no asshole laws that I am aware of. This was not about “The Law” this was about right and wrong. Our forefathers died fighting for your right to be an asshole. That is your right. You should not be at all ashamed of it. Embrace that freedom, for it has been bestowed upon you.

I am not saying that it is right or wrong to shop on a holiday. If you are the person who would go all day without something you needed because it is a holiday, and you don’t want to be the one who is creating a marketplace for stores to stay open, then great. You are truly a person that lives what you believe. If you are a person who doesn’t care about anything except yourself, or whether a store is open or not, regardless of the day, then that is great too.

If you are going to be an asshole, then be one, but please don’t masquerade as a person who genuinely gives a shit. No one believes you when you empathize with them for their discomfort, while you are the one standing behind them drilling them in the ass.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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IT WILL FEEL GREAT!!!

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Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Strikes Back!!

 Rudolph

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Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is probably one of the most famous Christmas stories in the world. I find that sad. I cannot for the life of me, understand what it is about this story that any parent would like their child to learn.Christmas stories like that typically have an underlying message that teach kids some life lesson or help them to understand things about the world. Rudolph is no exception to that rule. It’s just the wrong lesson. Let me explain.

For those of you who have not heard the story. A beautiful reindeer is born, but he is a little different. He is not like the other reindeer. He Rudolph-red-nose-reindeer-1had a shiny red nose that glows. It, through most of the story, causes him nothing but grief and bullshit; much like anybody who, God Forbid, is different than others and the world just can’t seem to grasp this.  With the exception of Rudolph’s mother, the entire town was on his ass for something he could not help, and something he could not change. He wasn’t like everyone else, so all the other asshole reindeer decide that they don’t like Rudolph because of this shiny red nose. Continue reading

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