Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Strikes Back!!

 Rudolph

Rudolph-red-nose-reindeer-2

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is probably one of the most famous Christmas stories in the world. I find that sad. I cannot for the life of me, understand what it is about this story that any parent would like their child to learn.Christmas stories like that typically have an underlying message that teach kids some life lesson or help them to understand things about the world. Rudolph is no exception to that rule. It’s just the wrong lesson. Let me explain.

For those of you who have not heard the story. A beautiful reindeer is born, but he is a little different. He is not like the other reindeer. He Rudolph-red-nose-reindeer-1had a shiny red nose that glows. It, through most of the story, causes him nothing but grief and bullshit; much like anybody who, God Forbid, is different than others and the world just can’t seem to grasp this.  With the exception of Rudolph’s mother, the entire town was on his ass for something he could not help, and something he could not change. He wasn’t like everyone else, so all the other asshole reindeer decide that they don’t like Rudolph because of this shiny red nose. Continue reading

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on LinkedInEmail this to someone

I Am Perfectly Happy Driving a Dumpster.

I don’t ever want to drive anything, but a piece of shit

 

00aaThere is something about old beaten up cars that I find beautiful. It is like being on the road with a seasoned veteran as opposed to some newb vehicle. While it is maybe not as smooth or comfortable, I do get some piece of mind from the experience this car has over most of the other cars on the road. We just drive down the highway laughing at all the other younger cars, still with there innocence, as they are being driven assholes who cant drive them.[READ MORE]

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on LinkedInEmail this to someone

He’s Not Heavy. He’s My Blogger

He’s Not Heavy. He’s My Blogger

by Yvonne Nardone

me and yvonne

My husband is Tom Nardone. Anyone in a relationship with a blogger might have the same issue as me. He is obsessed with blogging, but I think he is even more obsessed with bloggers. When I say obsessed I don’t mean He loves to play games or go to the gym (ha ha). I mean he has lost 40 pounds because he’s so busy blogging that he won’t stop to eat.

He not only blogs but now he has joined your community of bloggernaughts to interface with. For him It’s seemingly a blogger love gone cult. He knows and communicates way more online than in real life. But to Tom this is his real life. Don’t get me wrong I’m proud that he’s found a stage for his bizarre and controversial opinions. Blogging also makes him happy.

Tom is obsessed with his blogger stats and checks them like a 60 year old woman playing video poker. 300 hits is an all cherry day. His day is shot if people don’t like him or comment. I really liken it to a gambling addiction. Tom sits in front of his laptop after publishing a post, as if it were a video game. He used to bring me his laptop to show me a map of the world on goggle analytics, to brag to me about the wide span of his readers or as I will call them followers. “Hey babe! Check this out they love me in Australia” or “Hey babe! Look I am storming across Europe!!” He pretends not to care that I don’t read his all of his blog.

This happens to be true. I don’t read all of his blog. I think Tom is a brilliant writer and he connects well with his readers. The problem is that I have heard this shit a thousand times before, and since I don’t agree with half of the shit he says, I find it to be a reminder of the aggravation of his twisted and non-sense views. Sometimes when I read his blog I just want to pretend we are not related.

I have not been working, so I have enabled Tom to spend all of his free time on this. My Tom is ADD so I have been keeping track of the location of his wallet, and keys. I pay all the bills, I beg him to please bring me a load of laundry down to wash, and I am convinced that were it not for my involvement, that he would leave the house and go to work, with two unmatched shoes and not give a shit one way or the other.

I just bought him a new pair of shoes with the child-like Velcro straps (that I hate) which he insists on. Tom continued to wear this other pair of shoes that had holes in them because he says he likes them. I of course exercised my spousal privilege and threw them away. He cried like a girl about it. He actually said “Fine, I’m going to throw something away that you like to wear” Yah right! He doesn’t have the balls. I dare him to do it.

The only thing he has to do is put gas in his car and go to work for 40 hours a week. I have allowed this life style because I was laid off, but I am going back to work and Tom will have to become an adult.

Tom’s life is going to change dramatically. He will have to not only take the trash out to the garage, but also put a new bag in the can. He will have to match his own shoes and keep track of his own keys. He will even have to cook dinner as he will often get home before me. He will even have to take the initiative to put down his laptop long enough to take a shower, as I will not be here to prod him.

The truth is that Tom is a wonderful person, and he always steps-up just like he will when I start working. I have always known that I can depend on Tom to be there when I need him. He loves me more than anyone ever has, and it brings him to tears to see me disappointed in him.

It is also true that he is the funniest person I have ever seen when he gets mad. I am looking forward to the show.

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on LinkedInEmail this to someone

Tom Nardone’s: Theory of Pants

I’m Right.  I Promise.

pantsThis comes up from time to time in our house. I guess because my wife Yvonne is concerned that I am teaching young Brett (my beloved step-son) a bad life lesson. I call it my “Theory of Pants”.

First, I would like to go on the record as saying that I believe that people should wash their clothes and be clean, but only if they choose to be around other people. If they are going to stay in their home all day and not be around anyone else, then it is obviously their decision. I pass no judgment on them. I see nothing wrong with anyone making a decision to lazily hang around the house; marinating in themselves. I do not judge you people; I salute you.

Most of us don’t have the luxury of living our lives on our laptops, being accountable only to our followers. We have to get up and leave the house. We have to go to our jobs, therefore, we have to be around people. What that means, hygienically speaking, is that we have to be clean.

This is where my wife, Yvonne likes to butt heads with me and attempt to sway me in my unmovable, inflexible, unyielding, sound, well thought-out, and rigidly held theory about the pants I wear. My theory is as follows:

A pair of pants can go several days, even weeks, yes weeks, plural, before needing to be put in the washer machine. I know many of you are making a face. You are cringing, and/or twitching at the thought of this. You would never consider this as an option, but I would ask that you at least give me a chance to explain to you people why you are all wrong.

The human body simply does not treat a pair of pants in the same fashion that it does other articles of clothing. I will give you some examples.

Shirts

People perspire under their arms so it is necessary to wash a shirt before it is worn again. This is no secret. There are companies making millions because of our foul smelling underarm perspiration. Certainly all of us have smelled ourselves a time or two. Of course you also know what a dirty shirt smells like.

Socks

The, afore mentioned, could also be said about our feet. There is no smell like that of stinky feet. It is unmistakable and our socks get a front row seat at that funk show.

Underwear

I don’t think I need to get into all the things that happen to our underwear. It should be clear enough.

Underarms destroy the condition of our shirts. Feet despoil the freshness of our socks. Other unmentionables wreak havoc on our undergarments, but NONE of this can be said about our legs in regard to our pants.smellysocksgrey

Have you ever heard of a person who had smelly legs? Of course you haven’t. The notion is ridiculous. Have you ever told your child or spouse “Oh! Baby you stink. Please go change your pants.”? No, you haven’t, unless of course they did, in fact, drop a load in them.

Here are a few further questions for you non-believers:

When is the last time you washed the shoes that house those stinky socks you wear all day?

When you are in your car in traffic, and it is hotter than hell, do you sweat? I imagine that day after day that sweat gets into the upholstery. When is the last time you had your upholstery cleaned?

Hey, do you own a hat? How many days do you sweat right through it and just wear it days on end anyway before it ever gets washed?

How many years do you where your winter coat without taking it to the drycleaners?

Are shoes, upholstery, hats, and coats magically untouched by your odor. No they aren’t. They get nasty, but you do nothing about it. You just quietly place your head in the sand as you wallow in your own filth, not giving a thought to these things.

That is OK though! Hey I am not judging you. I am right there with you. There is no need to wash your coat, hat, and shoes every day. Screw that! Don’t put yourself through that kind of trouble. That is not a life worth living.

Pants fall into the same category. I think that people wash pants as matter of course, rather than of heartfelt necessity.

I have worn the same pair of pants as long as three weeks, without a wash. I did not feel unclean. I did not smell bad. No one even noticed. I will tell you an added benefit to this is that when you get home, and change your clothes, you can leave your keys and wallet in them so that when you put them on the next day, they are ready for action.

If you are still not convinced, or if you still just don’t get it, I would like to present you with a challenge. Go right now, and smell everything you wore to work today. Smell your sox, your shirt, your underwear, and your pants. Then, ask yourself a question. “If I had to wear one of these items to bed tonight, which one would it be?”

If it was me, taking that challenge, then I will tell you, like I tell my wife.

“I wear the pants”

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on LinkedInEmail this to someone

Man’s Best Friend, or The Spawn of Satan?

barney bannerFor years, I told my wife Yvonne, that we would under no circumstances be getting a dog. I explained to her that I could not understand why anyone would be willing to share their home with an animal. She in turn said “then you will never get a PS3 game console” I thought “oooohh don’t throw me in the briar patch Brer Rabbit” I did not even want a PS3. So I said “Fair enough”

meet barneyYears later, Yvonne was going through a tough time and she felt that the companionship of a dog would be a benefit to her. As it happens I am a weak, and easy to manipulate spouse. I agreed, even though I was not happy about it.

Yvonne was so moved  at my decision to make myself miserable that she named the dog after my favorite character from my all-time favorite TV show, “The Andy Griffith Show” Our dog is named Barney, after “Barney Fife” (it feels weird saying our dog.)

I remember the first time I ever saw Barney. He was cute and happy. I was, for a short time, very happy with my decision to allow this beast to live amongst us within the boundaries of my domicile. My wife thought he was the greatest thing that she’d ever seen. I was so happy to see my her loving that dog; I’ll bet if he were to drop a load on the floor of my den, I would not have even gotten mad. There was a euphoric canine aura around my family.

I was a hero. I, Tom Nardone had, with the approving wave of my hand, brought happiness to my kingdom. I and I alone lifted the veil of sadness that had been hovering over all of us like a black cloud of hopelessness and depression. From here on out, when I came home from work, I would hear the welcoming sound of trumpets playing as I, the bringer of all things that are magnificent, entered the gate of my castle. I even built him a dog houseOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Well, things did not exactly happen that way.

I wanted to get to know Barney. I also did not think I could handle living in a house with someone who does not think that I am wonderful. I just couldn’t take that. So I thought I would try to win him over with a few Ideas that I learned over the years from watching television. I would simply do the things I have seen others do with their dogs. I thought my logic was sound and calculated. I mean, I learned it on TV. How could this possibly not be work?

I thought “Hey! Dogs love it you to pet them”

Barney does not care for people to pet him. He is not necessarily objectionable to it. He just doesn’t seem to give a damn one way or the other. I have pet other dogs before and they would go into an amazing display of pleasure and appreciation. Barney is completely unmoved by any affection whatsoever. It is strange. It’s as if he is completely unaware that it is happening. I was clearly not going to win him over this way.

I thought “Hey! Dogs like to be walked.”

I came home one day from work with this new idea. I couldn’t wait to get home and put that leash on him. It was win, win. I would get some extra exercise, while at the same time; I would be able to add another life form to the list of people who love me column.

Barney does not have the brain power to walk with a leash around his neck. All he wants to do is chew on the leash lanyard until he gets tangled up in it, or he will bark at everything that moves and desperately try to eat them. It is nothing but a pain in the ass to walk that dog.

I thought “Hey! Dogs like to fetch”

I was out in the backyard one day taking Barney out for an opportunity to do what I call “The S&Pee Show” He finished and then I saw a tennis ball. I threw it and he went charging after it, and then, the unthinkable happened.

He actually brought it back, and dropped it at my feet. I was blown away. I couldn’t believe that this dog wanted to do something that involved someone other than himself. Wow! This went on and on. I went and got my wife and said “Darlin you have got to see this!” she came out and was so happy to see me interacting with this dog.

I would come home from work every day, thinking only of the game I could now play with my new friend. This went on for weeks. I would come in and walk right by my wife without even giving her a hug, because me, and Barney had to play. He actually was excited to see me and would run to the door in anticipation our special game we would play. But then one day he just stopped bringing the ball back.

From that day, until even twenty minutes ago, what was at one time our special game now goes like this; I will throw the tennis ball and Barney will run after it. He will pick it up and run back and drop it in the bushes thirty feet from me. He may or may not decide to pee on it and then he runs around as if I am not even there.

Barney runs around the backyard unaware seemingly unaware that I am there. He will eat devil doganything that he can fit is mouth around, like sticks, weeds, bugs, flowers, lumber scraps, and once I stopped him from eating a toad. (So gross)

He always wants to go outside, and he can’t do it by himself. He doesn’t want to interact with me, but I absolutely must be there. I don’t know why. He does his own thing the whole time.

Recently I was out there with him and he brought me his old tennis ball and dropped at my feet. I took the bait and threw it. He went running after it and I will be damned if he didn’t drop it thirty feet from me and piss on it. I could only interpret that as his way of saying “F U Tom. You just sit there and wait for me to take my dump, and then I will let you take me back inside”

Inside the house he seems to have developed a taste for furniture, like sofas, pillows, socks, hats, or power cords. I think he might have stopped on the power cords because the last one he chewed on was to a lamp. I think he must have received a 120 volt equivalent of a rolled up newspaper. Here is some of his handy work.

There are those who might think me a bastard. I know, I know, but there are other people who do not love me the way you do. At the risk of expanding the list, I regretfully have to say, after 6 months, I will admit, in a weird way I do love him, but I don’t like him. I wish I did, and i try to, but I can’t as of yet.

So basically, I have a new pain in my ass. I make sure that this pain is well fed, cared for, and treated like a member of my family. I don’t regret my decision to get Barney because I did it for my wife. My wife doesn’t read everything I write so my hope is that I will get away with this post, without any drama.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

***Attention Readers*****

While i was finishing this post, my wife was sitting two feet from me trying to learn how to play “Freebird” on her ukulele. I just did not have the patience to thoroughly check for any gramatical errors sorry

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on LinkedInEmail this to someone

Telemarketers, I Am Begging You All. Come Back!!

 

tommyIt doesn’t happen so much anymore. Telemarketers calling you at your home at night between 6pm-9pm, asking for you to join something, or buy something. I can’t begin to describe how much I miss that.

I know many of you find that odd. I would say to you that your attitude toward it is flawed. I believe that the world is a stage, and when that phone would ring, it was like the lights going out, the curtain rolls up and the music ques for “The Tom Nardone Show”

In my entire life, I have never heard a more beautiful sound than that, of my own voice. A sales call was a chance for me to really showcase my awesomeness to a brand new, unsuspecting member of my global audience. I can say anything I can be anyone. It is like a trip back through a childhood make believe wonderland.

Description unavailable

These days it seems that computers do all the work. Machines  call my house with a pre-recorded message. That really is a shame because telemarketers were in my opinion, an untapped source of entertainment.

I did realize that these people were human beings, and they are just trying to support their families. I am also aware that their lives hold a greater purpose than to provide me with entertaining anecdotes, however I work for 8 hours a day.

BUT….To be fair to my family and friends, when I come home from work, I have a very low tolerance for bullshit. I refuse to allow it in my presence.

If I wont take it from my own friends and family, then there is no way in Hell I’m going to allow some stranger to get away with it? SHIT NO! Because I am Tom Nardone, and I am Awesome, and I respect my friends ans family. It is all of them that I will use to justify my assholistic behavior. So now I will present to you “The Tom Nardone Show”

The following are some real life examples of things I have said to real telemarketers.

Olan Mills Photography Studios 

Ring………….Ring…………..Ring
TOM: Hello.
Olan Mills: Yes, is this Mr. Nardone?
TOM: Yes it is.
Olan Mills: Hi Mr. Nardone this is Rachel at Olan Mills Photo Studios, how are you tonight?

Family Photo, Anchorage, AK
TOM: I am wonderful Rachel. How are you?
Olan Mills: I’m fine, Thanks
TOM: what can I do for you?
Olan Mills: We would like to invite you and your family to come down and have a free family portrait taken, with no obligation to buy, and just for coming in you’llreceive a free 5×8 picture at absolutely no cost to you. How does that sound?

TOM: Well Rachel, first off, It was very nice of you to take the time to include my family in what seems to be a pretty amazing opportunity, but my uncle is a photographer, with National Geographic, and he takes all our pictures.
Olan Mills: Wow, National Geographic, I’ll bet you have beautiful family pictures
TOM:Yes they are beautiful. I would go so far as to say they are almost perfect.The only real issue I have with them is that my brother is very insistant that my whole family be photographed naked while squating around a camp fire.

Olan Mills:HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA

Tom: CLICK

I really felt that she was a nice girl. I was not in a bad mood, and i thought that this would give her a nice story to go home and tell her family about. Everybody won and no one was upset in any way. It was a true thing of beauty.

ADT Security Systems

Ring………….Ring…………..Ringburglar tom
TOM: Hello.
ADT: Yes, is this Mr. Nardone?
TOM:Yes it is.
ADT: Hi Mr. Nardone this is Bob at ADT, how are you tonight?
TOM: I am wonderful Bob. How are you?
ADT: I’m fine, Thanks
TOM: what can I do for you?
ADT: I just wanted to call and let you know we will be in your area talking to your neighbors about home security systems. What would be a good time to come by and see you
TOM: Bob I really appreciate the call, but to have one of your security alarms would really present a conflict of interest  for me
ADT: How is that Mr. Nardone?
TOM: I have spent the last 6 years as a professional burglar and as a burglar I don’t think it would be fair to put my self in a position of security, while at the same time depriving others from the same piece of mind that I would be receiving,  But Hey! Let me ask you this. Are you hiring installers? I can think of nothing I could do that would more effectively prepare me than to sharpen my skills, While learning the ins and outs of your security system.
ADT: Sir you are talking about breaking and entering. That is against the law. No. We would not want you as one of our installers

TOM:Bob it sounds like you are judging me. Yes it sounds like you take issue with the way I choose to make my living.

ADT: Well sir, what you do is illegal

TOM: OK  Bob, Point taken. If I am hearing you right, You feel that what I do is illegal. Maybe you think what I do is a disruption to the lives of our community, causing them  to go through an agonizing experience that no one should have to endure. That is what I don’t understand. You are also involved in an illegal act. When you called it was five minutes after the 9:00pm when telemarketers are supposed to cease all calling. I did not judge you for that.

ADT: Uh sir don….(Tom interupts)

Wait Bob. it sounds like both of us have been living our lives in the shadows. We have both been collecting paychecks for causing so many people so much pain. I have an idea, but it is going to require a really big commitment on your part. I put down my crowbar and you put down you phone. Yah that’s what I am saying, I think both of us should quit our jobs. What do you say Bob? Let’s both of us, starting tomorrow, and really make an effort to walk the straight and narrow. Are you with me?

ADT: Shithead!! Click

This was something that I fear I will never again get to experience. I will miss those annoying bastards. I would ask you all to resist the temptation to call me, posing as one of these people. I know your heart is in the right place, but it just wouldnt be the same

I am Tom Nardone, and You Are Welcome!

Related articles

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on LinkedInEmail this to someone

ADHD | You Will Find What You Look For.

Tom-Nardone-ADHD-monk

There is much written on ADD/ADHD.  They also almost always address ADHD as a problem, and a problem only. I feel by doing this they are scaring and misinforming their readers.

Many of these articles are written by doctors. Doctors are used to treating problems, so I guess it would stand to reason that they should write about ADHD in that context. There are two types of people who write these articles; Doctors and those with ADHD. I think most people feel better reading something written by a doctor, rather than by someone with ADHD. Because if a doctor said it, then it can’t be wrong. Don’t kid yourself. Believe it or not, sometimes doctors are wrong. They are only human, and while doctor written articles can be informative, and important, they are seldom inspiring. So, as long as you are here, allow me to inspire you.

So, your or loved one is messy and leaves their shit lying around all over the place. People like to quote Albert Einstein who said “A messy desk is a sign of a genius.” Well, I never met Albert Einstein myself. He could have been a giant asshole for all I know. While I may me every bit the asshole that Al was, I speak and write in English so listen-up.

 When you see a beautiful mural painted by an artist, you can respond in two ways. You can marvel at its beauty, OR you can bitch about the mess that was made in the process. I suppose if i had a choice to live in a messy world full of art, or a clean world with no art. My vote is for the mess. You would vote for the mess too.

Oh yes ADHD people daydream. So what about daydreaming? Is it necessarily a bad thing all of a sudden for someone to have an active imagination or a creative mind? When is an appropriate time to come up with kickass ideas? There is no appropriate time. Awesomeness does not indulge anyone’s schedule. It calls when it calls. You can answer the call or you can worry about the petty bullshit you are expected to do.

Daydreaming is often mentioned with kids in school. My question is this: Is it a teachers job to teach the class? of course it is. To simply stand up and read the lesson plan each week as you count down the days until you get to spread your ass out on the couch and get paid all summer might be fun, but is is not teaching. Ask your son or daughter to explain to you, everything they learned in school on a particular day. Perhaps they couldn’t tell you anything about it. HA!, Ask them to tell you about a video game they play. See what takes longer. I’m sure some teachers feel better believing that. The truth is that ADHD people have trouble paying attention to things that are not interesting to them.

Yes, children with ADHD blurt out whatever they might be thinking. I would rather know what is on my kid’s mind, rather than wonder. That beats the absolute shit out of trying to pry information from them. Parents of ADHD kids will truly know who their child is as a result of this. While their outbursts might not be appropriate sometimes, they will always be entertaining. Parents do have to police the actions of their kids as they should. Try embracing their words rather than correcting them for not following the regimented guidelines held in high regard by the rest of the herd . You can either NO your child or you can KNOW your child.

So, your loved one is Hyper-Sensitive. I really fail to see a downside to this. Parents with ADHD kids know better than anyone; some kids are mean little bastards. You should get down on your hands and knees and thank God for your child’s “Over-sensitivity” I spent years in school being picked on. My fellow students seemed to enjoy picking on me more than recess. My entire elementary career was an absolute daily hell. I would rather not ever believe that a child of mine was inflicting that same pain on another child. Why chastise their empathy for others? Is the world not currently a shitty enough place for you?

You have a choice. You can decide that you or your loved one has a problem that will complicate their life. You can constantly remind them that they have some handicap that prevents them from being more than they are. You can continue feeling sorry for them, crying for them, or wishing they were not the way they are, thereby reinforcing the stigma that so many others have drilled into their heads there whole life. You can deny them medication because you are worried about what the other asshole parents will think about your parenting skills.

OR

You could have a backbone, and tell your friends, your piers, your family, or anyone else who believes them less than what they are to just go to hell. You can stand up and be a proud and supportive parent, husband, wife, Mom, or Dad. You can realize,  “The Fleas come with the dog”. If you believe them inferior, they will believe it too.  You can realize that you are fortunate to have someone that will never fall into the cookie cutter mentality the world seems to embrace. You can stand up and be proud to be with some one who is not just another rank-and-file Normal Person. Personally the last thing on earth I ever want to be is normal. I would never teach my child to be so.

You will find what you look for. SO DON’T LOOK FOR A TURD!

I think ADHD People are, in many ways, what others are afraid to be. Some normal people don’t want to change out of their pajamas to go to the store, but they do. Some normal people want to tell other people what they think, or how they feel, but they don’t. They sit there quietly worrying about what others might think. They are afraid to be who they are.

Those of us with ADHD will go down our own path. We will eventually get down life’s highway, but we will stop at many exits where we will create moments, and have adventures, but nothing in life is worth doing, if it must be done alone or in the absence of the people we love and care for. So, your loved one has ADHD. I will give you the best advice that anyone could ever give you, and that is quite simply this.

“Enjoy the ride.”

I am Tom Nardone and You Are Welcome.

tomboy

  • You can join the I Am Tom Nardone Facebook Group by clicking HERE. or ADHDpeople.net Here
  • Or you can enter you email address at the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME”
  • Or you could risk never hearing from me again and go through life without the benefit of my counsel, but what would be the
  • Twitter @tomnardonehere or @adhdpeople
Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on LinkedInEmail this to someone

Brody Bricker Vol II. | Brody Bricker Makes the News!!

Picture11

The Adventures of: Brody Bricker

VOL. II

Brody Makes the News


Brody Bricker was one of my best friends growing up. He lived to cause trouble. He would do anything to get a reaction out of someone. He had absolutely no conscience, and the only time I ever saw him smile, was after causing any kind of mayhem.

I have changed his name, the names of his victims, and the names of any businesses that might have suffered at the expense of his entertainment.

These are his stories

Ladies and Gentlemen, Brody Bricker

It was never a good idea t cross Brody. He would always come out on top. He never lost because he had no fear and no conscience about anything he ever did

One Saturday Brody and I decided to go to the movies. We were taking a short cut through the woods to go to the movie theatre. We had done this many time before, but this time we ran into some kids who were playing in a tree house. We tried to just ignore them, but they had some problem with us cutting through their yard and told us to go around. We said we were sorry, and we started to go around, but that suddenly was not good enough either. They wanted to fight. One of the kids said “Now we are gonna kick your asses” Brody said great which one of you assholes wants to go first.

I did not want to fight, but if they were going to insist, then fine. Two of them came forward one at me and one at brody. The rest of them scurried up the tree house ladder to get a better view. We were doing great and the kids we were fighting ran away, then the kids in the tree house started yelling and throwing things at us. We got out of there just in case their parents might decide to come out, and raise hell about the two of us beating the hell out of their idiot sons.

Brody was furious. He was enjoying beating those other kids up. I was the only person he ever hung around with, so he did not have many chances to kick anybody’s ass. He was even angrier that we ended up not going to see the movie that he had been waiting to go see.

Later that night I was spending the night with him and as usual we snuck out. Brody said to me “Tom, wait here for just a minute” He came back with a duffel bag and said “OK let’s go.” I didn’t know where we were going, and he wouldn’t tell me because he did not want me to chicken out, which I definitely would have.

As we were walking through the woods I said “Brody we are going through the woods. Why didn’t you just tell me we’re going to the movies?” He said “We aren’t going to the movies tonight.” When he said that I figured out what we were doing. I knew we were going back to the tree house where those kids were playing. When we got there Brody told me to stay where I was he would only be a minute. He climbed the chain linked fence that surrounded the yard where the tree house stood. He quietly snuck through the yard and went up the ladder, and into the tree house.

treehouse5-11-06 006I should note that this was not some half-ass tree house. The person who built this took time and money to make it very beautiful. It had a shingled roof and siding. Brody later told me that it even had a refrigerator and lights in it.

He was in there for 5 very long minutes. He of course, emptied the refrigerator into the duffel bag, along with any other snacks, or things of value. Finally I saw him coming out of the tree house and down the ladder. I gave a sigh of relief but this night had only just begun.

I noticed Brody was messing with some string on the way down the ladder. He then pulled out a lighter and lit the string. The string started burning very fast, I remember watching the flame as it was traveling up toward the tree house. All of a sudden WAHHHHH!! Out of the windows came a giant cloud of orange flames. Brody wasn’t counting on the flames to be so bright. I had no idea what the hell he was doing until I saw the flames. I completely freaked out, and ran back towards his house which was a good mile through the woods at night. He jumped the fence and said “Tom, we better haul some ass” I was so far ahead that I barely heard him. We were running through the woods, and within 2 minutes we could hear the fire engine horns and sirens. I turned back and saw flashing blue and red lights through the woods. I didn’t care to sight see for long. We got back to house and went right to bed. Brody wanted to talk about it, because he was so proud of the mayhem he had caused. I was too scared. I felt like a criminal.

I went home the next morning because it was too scary to be at Brody’s anymore for the weekend. My dad was watching cartoons when I got home. As I walked in the door, my dad said ”Hey your home early. You want to watch Tom & Jerry” That sounded safe enough so I said “Sure.” I always enjoyed watching cartoons with my dad.

I was watching cartoons with dad for a while. I actually started to forget about what had happened the night before. I had gotten past it, and then the morning news came on. It was the tree house. The news was there covering an arson investigation. Apparently the entire tree house burned up, along with the tree, and a shed. They showed the kids whose tree house it was, and they were crying. My dad said “Boy, Tommy, what kind of sick sons of bitches would burn down a little kid’s tree house?”  I said “Only the meanest kind of person dad”

I no sooner said that and the phone rang. Oh God!!!! I knew it was brody. He saw the news like I did and he wanted to brag and tell me how awesome it was that his work was being covered by the news media. I jumped up and got the phone and said “Hello” it was Brody He said “Are you watching the news” I said “Yes” He said “Did you see those assholes crying? And we even got their dick dad’s shed as a bonus” I said “OK I will be over later today.” And then I hung up.  Dad says “was that your friend Brody?” I said “Yes” He said “That sounds like some shit he would do.” I simply and truthfully replied “I was with him all night dad”.

I am Tom Nardone, and You Are Welcome!

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on LinkedInEmail this to someone

Tom’s Endless Summer 2013

mainevent

Tom’s Endless Summer 2013

There seemed to be a lot of interest in my post on Facebook last night of my wife’s honey-do list that could potentially destroy what was already going to be a crappy summer for  reasons I have mentioned in past articles. For those of you who did not see the email message, I have included it below. My wife sent this to me, and told me to check my email. As she left to go to bed for the night. All she said as was, “We will talk about it in the morning” I checked my email and this is what I found. How about we  go through it line by line.

The Email:

Tom,

I have adopted your life style and the house is crumbling around us. If we work as a team we can do this please help me.   

Your loving wife

1.       Paint the deck and fence ( yes take a close look)
2.       Clean behind the house burn yard trash
3.       Take old swimming pool to the dump
4.       Repair the bathroom ceiling
5.       Repair moldings I will paint
6.       Clean up and repair your Honda
7.       Take a truck load to goodwill
8.       Clean garage
9.       Mulch around house
10.   Clean your rooms I will clean your carpet and paint Continue reading

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on LinkedInEmail this to someone

Cell Phone For Tom Nardone? | I would rather just have a fishhook in my ass.

Cell Phone No More

I did own a cell phone about seven years ago. I was at the point where my contract was up in three days and was set to renew automatically. I thought about it and said “Hell I guess I’ll just let it renew.” The next day was Friday. I was at work and it was fifteen minutes before I was going to leave. I had the weekend off and I could not get out of there soon enough.

Finally, it was five minutes ‘til 3:00pm, and I began that magical walk toward the time clock, I hit the clock and was on my way to the front door, and it happened. RINNNNNNNG! It was my wife she said “Tom are you still at Home Depot” I said, still at this point with a smile on my face “Yes dear I am walking out the door” She said “Well I am glad I caught you. I need you to grab a few things on your way out.” I didn’t want to do it but if it makes her happy I thought fine. I can just do it, and start my awesome weekend off on a cooperative note. I said “OK dear, what do we need?” with her next words I knew that whatever plans I might have had for a great weekend were now in the shitter. She responded “You are going to need a pen”

Here are the things that I grabbed on the way out. 25 bags of mulch, 60 fence pickets, a wheelbarrow, a hundred foot garden hose, and a bunch of other little things. For those of you not cursed with the burden of owning a home, these are the kinds of things homeowners buy to ensure that they have a real shitty weekend. Most of you know my position on yard work. Nothing gives me the red-ass like being stopped on my way out the building after I have clocked out, but after this, I was devastated. If you have ever gotten so mad that your anger turns to tears or crying, then you know how I felt. I wrote it all down and managed to push the words “I love you dear” out of my body, and then I hung up.

BROKEN CELL PHONE

My cell phone, my wonderful, fifty dollar a month, pain in the ass, heart-breaking, soul killing, cell phone,  with a fist covered in talcum powder had screwed me for the last time. After hanging up with my wife, I looked at my cell phone and smiled. I then dropped it, still smiling, and watched it go hurling toward the concrete floor of the Home Depot. My smile turned to anger and I began violently jumping up and down on that phone like a child throwing a tantrum. There were pieces of cell phone flying everywhere. When I finished, I noted that two couples that were shopping, were watching my performance. I looked at them and said “I just got some really bad news from home” They nodded as if to offer me their sympathy, and I got the stuff and went home.

I got home and went insides the house and Yvonne said “Did you get everything?” I said “yes dear, I have to go upstairs and take care of something.” I went up to my man-cave and called Sprint. I told them I would not be renewing my contract. They explained to me that to cancel my contract they would need a letter from me thirty days before the termination date.

I did not even get mad. I just said “Well it is your right to continue my service, just as it is my right to not send you any more money. I am not going to write you a letter, but I will stop sending you money. I imagine you will get tired of providing me with service before I get tired of not spending fifty dollars a month, thereby giving other people access to my ass for the purpose of causing it pain.  Believe me ma’am your services has caused me more pain today then I have time to explain.”

The Sprint lady said “Sir this will be reported to the credit bureau, and will result in a negative mark on your credit.” I said “Well of course it will, believe me many others have gone there before you. Sprint will be, but another drop of water in the Sea of Tom Nardone. So by all means, feel free to do your worst. Thank you for your time ma’am”

YVONNEI hung up the phone, and went downstairs and began the hell that would be my weekend.

Cell phone for Tom? No Thank You. I would rather have a fish hook in my ass.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

 

  • lying-tom-nardone-maipulateYou can join the I Am Tom Nardone Facebook Group by clicking HERE. or ADHDpeople.net Here
  • Or you can enter you email address at the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME” 
  • Or you could risk never hearing from me again and go through life without the benefit of my counsel, but what would be the
Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Pin on PinterestShare on TumblrShare on LinkedInEmail this to someone