Calling In Sick |Do You Have What it Takes to Play at This Level?

by Tom Nardone

by Tom Nardone

In America, most of us have the burden of a job, where we work five days a week. We typically work an 8-hour day. Sometimes the life we live does not synchronize with our work schedule. We have to make a decision at this point. We must decide what is more important. Do we just accept that we must work, or risk calling in sick.

We find ourselves calling in sick for many circumstances. I am not here to judge or to tell you it is wrong. You know your job. You know its demands. You know whether they can go a day without you. I would like to go on the record as saying calling in sick by lying about family members dying; this makes you an asshole. Don’t do it. I will be ashamed of you.

My purpose is to help you avoid some rookie mistakes while you are trying to sell this lie.

Calling-in -sick

 

Calling In Sick | You Have Got to Sell It!


Over-explaining
– Only the guilty explain everything. They will constantly go on, on, and on, about what happened, and why they were unable to get to work. They do this because they are concerned that the lie they chose, was not good enough. They will jump too quickly at the chance to make sure that their story was believed. When a person is telling the truth, they just don’t care if there story is believed. They don’t even consider the fact that anyone might think they are lying.

Saying that you are strandedDO NOT EVER do this unless it you are stranded. You never know if your supervisor will be worried enough about you or need you bad enough to come and pick you up or to send someone after you. There will be no way out of this. You Are Screwed! Because you are home, so where are you going to tell them to come get you?

Altering your voice – If you are going to alter your voice then make sure that whatever your voice is being alter for makes sense. If you have a back injury you do not have to pretend your back is, actually giving you pain at that exact moment you are calling. If you are saying that you have the flu or a clod, you do not have to cough into the phone while you are talking. If you have laryngitis, then you will obviously alter your voice

Your spouse is sick – You…Are…An…Idiot. If that is the best, you got then you just don’t have the brains to play at this level. Go to work. You Sir or Ma’am are lucky to have this job

You Don’t have a ride to work –This is also a shitty reason for call in because they can always offer you a ride to work. If you use this and they do offer you the ride, thank them, and take it. Cut your losses and enjoy a free ride to work. If you magically discover an alternate way to work on your own, then they will know you were lying to them. This is lose lose. Your boss will think you are a dirt-bag, and you still had to work.

Other blunders

  • If you are calling in sick saying that, you have some terrible illness, then don’t come in the next day laughing joking around. You started a story so don’t forget that you are a character in this story, and characters must stay in character.
  • I would not feel the need to mention this but I have seen it happen. Do not find yourself calling in sick on a Friday, and then go in to pick up your paycheck that same day. (Yes, I have seen this)
  • Also, do not say you are on the toilet, and are having troubles there. This is a very popular story and you will not be believed. If it happens, you are in truth on the toilet and unable to get off, you should just make up a lie. Others before you have rendered your problem unbelievable.
  • calling in sick and then going to the lake. If you do then the jig will be up when they see the sunburn on your face. Nobody is sunburned while they were home sick. (I knew a clown that did this)

OK these are the most common rookie mistakes. You don’t want to find yourself in any of these scenarios. I hope those of you who this applies too will really study these items. It might save your job.

Now it is time to talk about how the pros do it. This is the calling in sick encyclopedia of awesomeness. This is doing it Tom Nardone style. My focus was going to be just identifying the mistakes that people make when calling in sick

I would like to state for the record that I never had found myself fictitiously calling in sick to my current job

Doctors note

When calling in sick, weather you are sick or not, go to the doctor. Go to “Doctors Care” or whatever half-assed doctor’s office is near you that day or the day before and just get a stupid doctors note. It will cost you nothing more than 15 to 25 dollar co-pay. The Doctor’s note is irrefutable. Your supervisor sees this and says, “OK here is a Doctor’s note that reads Sherry Walker is advised not to work as she is having blah blah female problems. She should spend the rest of the day sewing”. Case closed, and more importantly, “Ass Covered” This is a winner. Be credible and be believable.

If you say you twisted your ankle, do not go to the Doctor. I don’t advise you ever use this one. This excuse is only for the truly committed. However, assuming you are hell-bent on being believed, and you do use the twisted your ankle story, pay attention. You have to accept that you will probably not be believed when you call. That is why this story has a second act. In act two, you go back to work, the next day, but you go back with an ace bandage wrapped around your foot and ankle. I would even recommend some crutches to really seal the deal. This will not only serve as a fine visual aide for all nonbelievers, It will also serve as a reminder for you not to forget what leg you are supposed to be limping on. Well now that you are in costume, it is time for the show to begin. You should get into this frame of mind before you even exit your car.

To Hell with a doctor’s note, your performance will trump any note from a thousand doctors. Your footsteps will reverberate as all the doubters feel your thunder. You shall mount up and ride through the front door upon your steed, even with crutch in hand. The horse upon which you ride will have many names: such as courage, liberty, credibility, and above all believability. As you charge in through the front door, they will see you in your glory and will never again doubt a word that echoes from your lips. You will blow past them all with a mighty and victorious fury. They shall tremble in the wake of your awesomeness. You will be as a hero, for you worried not, about anything but yourself, and for yourself you accepted nothing less than victory. You shall finish out the day and depart just as you arrived…..The Victor.

Calling in sick can get you fired. When you do it, you have two things to bear in mind. One, is that you probably need this job to support your family, and two is that you should not put your boss in a position to have to fire you. You are not lying just for yourself. You are lying for the benefit and well being of everybody involved.

This is no time for you to be selfish. There is a lot riding on your story so don’t just think of yourself. You need to have a great story so that you can have a nice carefree day not carrying the burden of fear that you could lose your job. This will ruin your day. Your boss might be a decent person. Give him or her, the satisfaction of knowing that it was only under the most extreme of circumstances that you even considered, not coming to work. Do not force him or her to make the hard choice, just because you were too lazy to properly prepare yourself to tell them what they needed to hear. Help them to feel good in your absence, as you did in theirs.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome

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  • Or you can enter you email address at the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME” 
  • Or you could risk never hearing from me again and go through life without the benefit of my counsel, but what would be the 

IT WILL FEEL GREAT!!!

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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Bees, Spiders, Snakes, and Bugs: I Quit, You Can Have the Damn Yard You Bastards.

BeeYard work is a bitch. I really don’t understand why people care so much about their yard. There is nothing about yard work that I find fun, interesting or rewarding. As it happens I have a very nice yard. My wife works hard and has worked hard to make it so. Yes, yes I help her. I have sent my step-son out there many times to cut the grass or clean up, or do the things that his mother might need help with, after all I am a man. Continue reading

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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Confessions of a TV Addict

yvonne nardone

by Yvonne Nardon

I never thought I could give up my cable box, or my DVR. I loved that I could tape all my favorite TV shows and would eagerly wait for them to be recorded. TV was my best friend. I would even watch TV and search and record for stuff that was playing so I could get an uninterrupted fix of recorded commercial free TV. At one point I was having conflicts on how many shows I could record during the same time slot. I even started recording late night talk shows because there wasn’t any conflict. Even though I didn’t like the talk shows that much, but at least they fed my habit until I could get the real junk in my veins.

yvonne in prison

Yes I was a full blown addict. I would lie cheat and steal to get my shows. I hogged up the recording  so much that my family got shorted and had to get their own box. I even secretly recorded the Kadashians and would delete it quickly so that they  wouldn’t  how far gone I was.

syringe - upMy intervention came when I opened the cable bill instead of throwing it in the trash. I set it up on auto pay to avoid the sting of having to look

at the bill each month. When I opened the bill it hit me like a bolt of lightning. Lightning turned to anger, and then anger turned to regret. I Knew it had to stop.

Like stages of grief I was in denial about the bill. I even started to bargain with the “SYDCC” to try to get my bill lowered. As hard as I tried, in the end i was not doable. With the help of my husband I canceled my entire TV service.

I’ve been clean for one week and so far I’m OK. I still have Netflix until that runs dry. So far  I’m satisfied. I’m going to get an antenna to watch to news and that’s it. I will miss my friends; Ellen, Chelsea, and the new fall line up, i will make it though, one episode at a time.

At last I’m free. I fired cable TV.

  • tomboyYou can join the Iamtomnardone group here or ADHD People Facebook Group by clicking HERE.
  • Or you can enter your email address at the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME” 
  • Or you could risk never hearing from me again and go through life without the benefit of our counsel, but what would be the fun in that?
Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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THE ULTIMATE HOME IMPROVEMENT

Tom Nardone

by Tom Nardone

Your first house; most of us remember the day we saw it. They day we sat in the lawyer’s office closing. We remember the day we first arrived, and for the first time pulled into our own driveway. This was what we worked for. It was another one of life’s milestones that we that we had reached. We thought about how beautiful we would make it. We looked past every imperfection, seeing them only as opportunities to make it better. We were so, careful as we moved in. “Don’t scuff the walls” or “Oh that goes here” we got everything just perfect, but shortly after the magic, we met the true identity of our home.

He was a monster and he required much of us. We were now his slaves for as long as we would own this prison.. This house that seduced us, and lured us in, with the hope of freedom, to live in a home of our own, was actually preparing our limbs to wear the shackles of life’s most concentrated, and pure forms of bullshit; “Home Ownership”.

YOUR HOUSE IS YOUR MASTER

Home improvements and repairs can make you feel you don’t own the house. The house owns you. You may not understand this yet, if you are in a new home owner, but you will. Yes! That house owns your ass, and it will eventually feel the need to establish its’ dominance over you. It will treat you like a nineteen dollar used blow up doll bought at a garage sale. Oh yes, you will feel its sting.

Your house is in cahoots with the government, the banks, the contractors, the insurance companies, and the police.

Your House is your master, and your master is at all times required to feel good. There is no negotiating this. Your master hates you, and the more you try to love it the more it will reveal its’ hatred for you. You decide one day, you want to install a new toilet. That is typical behavior for a good and obedient slave. Your intentions are good but when you begin to remove the toilet you realize that there was a leak where the toilet once was. So being a good sport you pull up the flooring only to discover that the sub-floor is rotting. You look up to the ceiling and your master says

“HA  HA  HA  that’s right slave. Make me new again. You will rue this day that ever tried to make your life more comfortable HA  HA  HA ”

You tried to serve you master, and he rewarded you by drilling you right in your fucking ass. The hardest thing to digest is the feeling that you walked in there and bent over for it.

Perhaps your master is bored one day and decides that it would like a brand new drainage system. Without warning

The Home Depot

your houses just clinches and backs up your plumbing. Or maybe it just busts the pipes and takes a shit in your crawl space.  It knows you know nothing of how to address this problem. So you drive to the local Home Depot, and hopefully talk with a kick-ass human being who knows his shit. Tom Nardone will explain to you exactly what you need, and what to do. Well your house is not worried because it knows that you will be working in the crawl space.

Your master uses the crawl space to indiscriminately allow all the fucking hooligans of nature to bed down, and have sex and multiply at will. Your crawl space is in fact your homes anus, and it welcomes your attention there like the lonely sadist deviate that it is. You may in fact get this problem fixed but you will not relax for a moment. The fear of snakes, and spiders alone drain you of any enthusiasm you might have bullshitted yourself into having. You will take the smell with you into your home. It is lose lose.

Or maybe one day when you get home from working third shift, and go home to bed, you will wake up two hours later sweating your ass off.  You get up to adjust the AC, only to discover that is 85º. Your master just said

“ah ah ah get your ass out of bed, and fix my cooling system.”

You will just do it. Your house is well aware you will not be able to put up with the heat. Your day is now spent on the phone, in the attic, or outside. Even if you know how to fix it, your house has a deal with the AC people and the government where you cannot by the Freon or the parts for this unit without a license. That’s right drilled in the ass again.

YOU WILL FINANCE YOUR DISAPPOINTMENTS

Well ok you have been busy. You have worked hard and now it is all done. Your house has caused you to make so many improvements, that you are now happy again. You might even remark to your spouse upon their completion and say “Gosh honey, look at our wonderful home that we have built”; followed by a warm hug, and a smile.

All of a sudden the doorbell rings. You walk to the door thinking “who could that be?” You open the door and it is the tax assessor. It seems while you were improving your home the real estate market was kicking ass. You were making your home and your yard look amazing and now the value of your home has gone up. Yes all the money you spent has actually resulted in you paying more money for your home in taxes. I wish I could tell you that it ends there but it doesn’t. You now need more insurance and of course those rates have gone up too. Your home sensed your happiness, and therefore had to intercede.

Weeks later the dishwasher leaks into the house and destroys your hardwood floors. This time it is three thousand dollars damage. Well shit! You don’t have that much, so you decide to use your homeowners insurance that you have been paying on for years.

They come out and inspect and two days later, they inform you that you did not elect for the water damage add-on that nobody mentioned. Sorry, but you are not covered so they are not giving you shit. However, just for making a claim that they didn’t even pay, they are well within their rights to raise your rates, They do this because now they know you consider your policy as a means to actually protect yourself. Your master is a student of the game.

If you own something then, you are responsible for it. I think we all know that the secret to happiness in life is less responsibility.

If you do own a home, hopefully your master has not rendered you helpless with no escape. If your master has crippled you to a point that you have no viable options, then there is but one path to freedom.

Currently I would love to not be tied to my house. If I were somehow certain that no one would ever find out about it, I would only then take the following actions.

I would gather up all the pictures, computers, TV ’s, and clothes, and take them to a friend’s house far away.

Then I would come back one quiet Sunday evening while the family was away on a vacation. I would climb up on the roof and cut a hole in it. As I was taking a leak into the hole I would shout down to my master, and say:

tomfire “Well…. who is laughing now you son of a bitch? I have called you master for the last time. Do you see what I am holding in my other hand? This is the last thing I will ever give you for the rest of your soon to be over reign of terror. This is a Molotov Cocktail, and I will be serving you shortly. After you are burnt to the ground;I will come home, act surprised, and maybe even try to shed a tear for the nice firemen and policemen who will have failed to save you. I will cash the check that those motherfuckers at Nationwide denied me, and after you are reduced to nothing but ashes. I am coming back and I am going to burn your fucking ashes. I will have two hundred thousand dollars in my pocket and I will own the land where you once stood. The only thing it will cost me, is your life. I am going to curse the smoke that rises from your burning corpes, and if I see anybody here trying to buy parts for salvage I will destroy them right in front of their eyes. I will make damn sure they burn and find you in Hell. YOU HAVE DRILLED YOUR LAST ASS! HA   HA  HA  HA  HHA HH AHAHA!!!”

Since I lack the sack to go through with this all I can hope for is that some asshole that really hates me will go to my house and provide this service.

I have discussed this with several people in a less theatrical setting and I was surprised at the number of people who would enjoy watching their house burn.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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IT WILL FEEL GREAT!!!

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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I Am Tom Nardone Presents: “DAY-CEPTION”

doctortom

by Tom Nardone

I owe the title for this article to my son Brett A. Fuller. I promised him a credit in this post. So, promise kept.

I feel that I have stumbled across an amazing discovery. Like many discoveries, It was discovered completely by accident. The research division of “I am Tom Nardone”, have unanimously decided, to share this with you. We sincerely hope you can benefit from this and your feedback will be carefully scrutinized by our analysts, should you be compelled to share it.

I recently was scheduled off three days in a row. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does it is a wonderful thing. Yesterday I got up at 7:00am, and went into the kitchen to make some coffee. I began writing. I finished and posted an article, and then spent some time with my wife watching TV in the den. Sometime around noon, she was feeling like a nap and so was I. I went upstairs, and took a four hour nap. I got up again this time at 4:00pm and went to the kitchen and made a pot of coffee. This felt like the beginning of a new day. Just like that, My new discovery was born. From the mind of Tom Nardone, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present ”Day-Secting”? I did the very same thing on Tuesday, and here is what I would like to report.

This is my discovery; “Day-secting” – the day within a day.

I was off Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. I “Day-sected” Monday, and Tuesday. I cut the second and third days into two small days or mini days. This brought the total days from Three to five.

This was amazing! When I finally went back to work, I really felt as if I had been off for five days. During my three days off, I kept thinking that I was supposed to be at work. I actually checked the calendar on my laptop to make sure that I was not missing it.  I figured that when I got back it would catch up to me and balance out, but it didn’t. I clocked in and it felt like I had been on vacation. When I got home that afternoon, I still could not get it out of my mind. I sat and pondered at what I had done.

I determined that I had discovered something extraordinary. I could not decide though whether I discovered a method of solving the “two days off a week is not enough” dilemma. OR had I just taken self-bullshitting to the next level, or perhaps turned it into an art form. I am in a quandary as to which one, but they both sound like something that I can be proud of.

While I will stand by this research, I do not plan to take it any further. After the success Day-secting two consecutive days, I had planned another test; I was going to schedule a vacation for myself, and commit to this program for seven straight days. I was going to Day-sect each day of my entire vacation.

I am reasonably sure that it would have felt like a two week vacation. I decided that this would put undue pressure on my family who depends on me for things. Another way to say this is that my wife has put the kibosh on it. “SO, OK EVERYBODY GET YOUR PARADE OUT SO YVONNE CAN RAIN ON IT!” I still maintain that this is an amazing discovery.

My wife Yvonne, on the other hand, is not nearly as impressed with this as I am. During the second day of “Day-secting”, she was leaving to go to the grocery store, as she left she said “I will be back in an hour and a half; I will need some help getting the groceries in.” I explained to her that Brett would help her to that because I was involved in an important experiment, and that my research would require me to go back to sleep for four hours. She said “oh God Tom, Day-secting?” I said “Yes dear, Day-secting.” she said “I love you Tom, but this is the stupidest thing you have ever done. You’re an idiot” and with that she left.

When she recently found out that this discovery was actually going to make it to my blog, she advised me not to do it. She said “Tom, Honey listen, This whole thing….. is just bullshit. Are you sure you are not going to embarrass yourself sweety?”

(Long Pause)

Me: “Darling, have you EVER read my blog?”

I continued and said to her in a tender tone of voice as if to eliminate her fears, “Yvonne, let me assure you that if it were possible for me to embarrass myself, I would have absolutely done it by now. Let me tell you why I am never going to be embarrassed. I AM TOM NARDONE, and I am a global phenomenon. People love and appreciate me, because of my Awesomeness. There are people all over the world, in countries I have never even heard of who go to my site. You call Day-secting a bunch of bullshit, well these people have hunger for my bullshit. Some of them have told me that they all sit down to the dinner table and have a big giant family dinner and guess what the main course is? Yep, that is correct The bullshit of Tom Nardone. I could read some comments to you, but do you really need me to?”

Yvonne: Ughhhhhhhh

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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Tom Nardone Vs The Lawn | Let’s Mow Some Ass.

Picture6

By Tom Nardone

Before I begin this story of deception, I should point out that my wife is the finest human being that God ever graced the earth with. She is perfect in every way, and I wouldn’t trade her for the world. I have never lied to her however; I would not say any of this about my ex-wife. All further references to my wife will be referring to my ex-wife, who I thought might have very well have been….”The Antichrist”

We had had a 600 square foot addition added to the back of our house that would later become our master bedroom. What I had planned to finish in just 3 to 4 months, ended up taking about (and I’m not kidding) four and a half years.  What can I say?  I’m ADD, and my favorite day of the week is tomorrow, so that is the day that I set aside to do important things in my life.

It was about two years into the project and spring was coming. My wife had been raising hell about the addition being finished, and then she decides to throw in that she  wants the yard do be nice this year. One thing you need to know about my ex-wife and yard work is that my ex-wife did not do yard work. She wanted that yard to look nice that year, but not at the inconvenience of depriving our sofa the joy of having her ass spread out on it, while she watched reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer all day. The plan was for my ass to be outside working in the yard all day, and working on the addition al night. I knew my wife, and I knew, just like a day killing freight train, she would never stop.

I had what I then referred to as the ”The Misery Trifecta” A nagging wife, a 600 square foot addition, and now a yard to give a shit about after years of blissful neglect. All of my free time was in jeopardy, and I would not even be able to look forward to the weekends.  The only thing I knew was that there was no way in hell I was going to do all that shit.

Ohhhhh, but something would have to be done.

(ok now fasten your seatbelt)

I waited two days until Sunday, early evening, after a whole weekend without a word of this coming up. I broke the silence and I said “Hey honey. I thought a lot about what you said about the yard and you know you’re right. I am going up to The Home Depot and figure out what we need to do to fix our yard.” she was so happy. I actually even went outside, and (just for show), I dug up a sample of our yard to show the people at Home Depot, so that they could help me. She thought that was great. I got in my car and left. About a mile down the road, I tossed the sample out of my window, and proceeded to the Depot. When I got there a man said;

Home Depot Guy: What can I do for you sir?

Me:    I need to buy something to spray on my lawn that will kill every weed, every blade of grass, and every living thing in my whole yard.

Home Depot Guy: Excuse me sir?

Me:    shall I repeat what I said?

Home Depot Guy You want to kill……….the lawn?

Me: Winner!!!!!

Home Depot Guy:   OK uh, how big is your yard?

Me:   Half an acre.

Home Depot Guy:   One of these bottles of Roundup should do it.

Me: I’ll take two.

When I got home my wife was in bed, but I was so excited that I couldn’t even wait until morning. I got my sprayer and my roundup concoction (Double Strength) together and sprayed the entire backyard (Twice). I felt great. Here is something else that you must know. My wife worked Mon-Fri .She left the house at 6am (still dark outside) she got home at 6:30pm (still dark outside). She would not be home during the daylight hours until Saturday morning.  I don’t mean to give Roundup a plug here, but credit where credit is due. I couldn’t believe how fast it worked. By Friday afternoon my yard was dead. I mean like post-apocalypse, tombstone, tumbleweed dead. For five days I watched my lawn die a slow death, and I could not have been more pleased with myself.

Friday night I went to work. It was just a few short hours until the big reveal. I worked third shift at the time. That night it occurred to me half way into my shift that in all the excitement that I had not thought about what I would tell my wife by way of an explanation. I thought about it all night. I got my friends involved, but all they could do was laugh and try to convince me that there was no way out.

After my shift I drove home and quietly walked around the side of my house into the backyard. Nope still dead. I thought a little and then a little more. I then decided it would just be best to come clean. There was a door into the bedroom off the back deck so I walked up to the door ready to admit my wrong doing and underhandedness. When my fingers touched the door I had what alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. This moment of clarity was some like this.

WHAT? Am I about to surrender to a dead lawn? I am Tom fucking Nardone. Nobody beats me. I always win. Of course my friends told me that I was going to be in the dog house. That is how their minds work. I adapt. Most people would see this as a situation as a death sentence, whereas I, on the other hand, will transform this would be disaster, into stage on which I steal the hearts and minds of my audience (my wife). Let the show begin.

Lights, Camera, Action!

An angry Tom Nardone walks onto the scene

“DAMN IT DAMN IT DAMN IT!!!! WHAT THE HELL MOTHER#$@% sh@t” and on and on and on. My wife, hearing my rage, came outside and asked “What’s the matter Tom” I said “What’s the matter? Look at my yard, just look at it I killed the whole thing it’s all dead! I sprayed it with weed and GRASS killer. This is what the guy at Home Depot recommended. All that work and now look at it.” I then kicked something off the porch and knocked over a broom.

She said “Hey sweetie calm down, calm down. You tried. This is not your fault. It will grow back, and look, you will be able to focus on the addition this summer” I said “are you sure you’re not mad?” She said “No. I’m not mad” I said “OK just give me a minute out here and let me calm down” She said “OK I will go make some coffee” I said “Thanks for not being mad babe” She said don’t worry about it sweetie” and then she went inside.

THE END

I will now, figuratively take a bow.

With no rehearsal, no second takes, and no script, I was the writer, producer, and director of a larger-than-life production. I did what would have undeniably brought Broadway to its knees, and I did it on the fly.

This scheme had a two pronged effect. First, I got out of doing any yard work for the entire spring and summer. Second, every time my wife saw the yard, she was reminded that I cared enough to try to make a difference. As it turned out, she was right about that. I made a tremendous difference; especially when the wind blew

I do not dispute that what I did, was deceptive, however if you will review the text, at NO time did I ever lie to her. The only things I said to her were that I would “fix” our yard. We certainly had different ideas about what that meant. The only other things I said to her about it was “look at the yard, I killed it. The whole thing is dead”, and “this is what the guy recommended” all of that was true.

This story is 100% true. Maybe you are the type of a person who likes a good moral to a story. What do you think about this one?

Don’t ever take a step backwards. I did not review my actions and figure out what we talked about and came up with some lie. don’t ever lie to your spouse. It makes for a bad marriage. I did not put this things in reverse. I shifted it into overdrive put the pedal to the floor, and gave the performance of a life time. If I had come clean with my wife; she would have been mad, I would have worked my ass off all summer and you would be on facebook reading a less awesome story written by a less awesome man. Because of me, The past ten minutes of your life have been completely kick-ass.

 I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

****Important announcement from Tom********

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The Family Outing. Hell Has Relocated!

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By Tom Nardone

Mankind, over the course of thousands of years, has been coming up with new and innovative ways to make life better, or rather, more comfortable. We have gone from caves to tents, to cabins, to houses. If you think about it everything we buy is for the purpose of our survival, protection, comfort, or entertainment. Why in the Hell would we abandon these achievements. ***WARNING, Swear words ahead!***

Camping is among the biggest bunch of bullshit ideas that I have ever heard of. I cannot for the life of me, understand why anyone would find it fun to pack up a bunch of stuff and go live outside without all the things they have worked so hard for, such as; air conditioning, microwave ovens, TV, indoor plumbing, or their computers.

I guess at some point a group of people get together and start making plans for all of them to get together, and do something really special. Then, some asshole says “Yahhhhh hey lets go camping” I will admit that is that it really does sound like a great idea. It sounds like a nice little adventure. It sounds like a nice little change of scenery. Well let me give you some insight.

It Is Not!

I know that I am on record as not being one for the outdoors. I proudly admit to being agoraphobic slave to my chair and my laptop, but I have been camping a few times, and I happen to be an expert on bullshit. There is perhaps no one in the world more qualified to outline the heartbreaking, light snuffing, soul stealing, pain in the ass that is camping. I will now present my case.

We will take a one day camping trip; Just a typical 24hr hike through Hell’s colon. No need to worry I am Tom Nardone, and I will be your guide.

6:00are – It is time to get up and get ready. The day we have planned for is finally here. It is time to get up and take everything that makes us comfortable as human beings and load it into our car, so we can take in with us on our magical journey to the woods.

8:00am – We arrive. Things are a little better because now our friends are here with us and we realize that we will not have to suffer alone. Misery loves company.

9:00am – we find the site where we will camp and now we have to figure out how to watch and discipline our kids while at the same time putting our tent up. The instructions are long gone and we will be lucky if we can even find all the parts to the damn thing. We also have to put the tent up with one hand because the other hand is far too busy killing mosquitoes.

11:00am – The campsite is up, and after a wonderful morning of packing, driving, working, sweating, and killing bugs, I finally get to rest. Uhhhhh No I don’t. You know why? Yes, because the kids are hungry. OK lets fire up the grill! After all, it is only 92°F how much worse can it get. Well since human beings are not the only life forms who eat, every fly, bee, and insect will be joining you. You have to figure out how to avoid flies, hold a paper plate, and eat at the same time, and that is bullshit.

12:30pm Well lunch is over, so what is next to do on Satan’s honey-do list. You can’t relax. It is 96°F, it is humid, there are bugs, and let us not forget the biggest pests we know. Yes I mean the kids. Because God bless them, they are bored, and we just can’t have that. Can we? Our kids who begged and begged for this nightmare to come true are now bored.

1:30pm – You are feeling pretty smart. You had a wonderful idea. You thought you could take these kids fishing. You are a genius, except that you are not. You will not have a moment’s peace. The only thing you will catch while fishing, are the fresh contents of the can of Hell you just opened. They will expect to catch a fish within the first forty five seconds, and will ask you a million questions, until all you can hope for is that one of them will shit their pants, and close this chapter of the new book you bought from the Hells best seller list.

3:00pm – At this point you will be thinking of excuses to abort the mission. What could you possibly do to avoid this any further. You can’t think of anything rational to convince your wife to deprive the children of their adventure. You will then think of the irrational. You think “I am a 42 year old male. What if I were to just talk about a stomach ache and then wait ten or fifteen minutes and then just shit my pants? The ride home would be miserable, but would it be worse” That won’t work though because you just went after lunch

6:30pm – It is time for dinner, but forget the ease and convenience of the grill. In the spirit of camping there has to be a camp fire. So now you have to find dry would and build a fire. You also have to find sticks that will be suitable for hotdogs to hover over the fire. Then come the marshmallows. You know that the only real purpose of a marshmallow is to hold it over a campfire and then watch it cool and then eat it.

8:00pm – Thank God, it is time for bed, but don’t thank him too soon. The bugs, spiders, snakes, and skunks do not have a bed time. You get to lie in your tent and try to sleep knowing that outside lurks the wilderness. You will try to sleep in that fear, the lingering heat, and the humidity that, will without mercy, continue to whip your ass throughout the entire night as you try to sleep.

12:00am – it has been four hours. Everyone is asleep, but you. You will think about all the comforts waiting for you at home. Your chair how perfect it is, and how lonely it must be without your ass planted firmly in it.

2:25am – Is this Hell?

3:18am – how can they be sleeping?

3:27am – I wonder if anyone is reading my blog right now?

3:51am – I wonder how many stitches it took to put this tent together.

4:00am – is there enough oxygen in this tent?

5:00am – FUCK ……THIS……SHIT!!!!!!!!

Hell enters the campsite

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! WAKE UP FAMILY THIS FUNFILLED ROLLER COASTER OF AGONY AND WOE IS SADLY COME TO A CLOSE. COME ON KIDS GET UP! GET UP! GET UP! WE GOTTA HIT THE ROAD. COME ON LETS DO THIS BITCH! WE GOTTA GO! WHAT? DID YOU JUST SAY THE WORD BREAKFAST?  NOOOOO! FUCK THAT SHIT JIMMY, YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN YOUR ASS OUT OF BED BEFORE 5 AM IF YOU WANTED BREAKFAST WE WILL EAT WHEN WE REJOIN CIVILIZATION. PACK IT UP LETS GO GOD DAMN IT ALL WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE KILL MEEEEEEEEEE!”

At this point your wife will calm you down and help you see clearly. You will take a moment to explain to your 8 year old son Jimmy that you are sorry for swearing at him and that you will make him any breakfast he wants when you get home.

6:05am – Not a word is spoken on the way home

8:00pm – You will most likely be the only one who is involved in the unpacking of the car. That is OK because you are finished with a very shitty part of your life. Your family will think twice before they ever burden you with another request like that again. The trip is over.

OK, now I don’t think there is anything left to say so I will be brief. Go back through this and you will see that everything that angered this man was a result of the absence of something that men spent years and years developing and perfecting so that we would not have to shit our pants or kill ourselves in order to avoid.

I value their struggle and appreciate their vision. I have no desire to live in a fictitious world where I pretend that they never even existed.

I will honor the ancient Egyptians, who are credited with inventing the chair

I will honor men like Willis Carrier, who invented the air conditioner so that we no longer have to marinate in our own perspiration while sitting in our homes.

I will honor men like Philo Farnsworth and Charles Jenkins who invented the television. They did this, because what would be the point of having electricity without TV.

I will honor men like John Crapper, for inventing indoor plumbing, so that when I go number two, the whole house does not have to know it.

These people had my best interests in mind many years ago and I will honor them with my ass in my chair, a clicker in my hand, and a dry comfortable body which will emit no odor that would offend my friends or family.

These men slaved so that you could be comfortable, but you go enjoy your camping trip. I personally do not feel the need to symbolically kick these men in the nuts. It just doesn’t sound like a good idea to me any longer.

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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I am Tom Nardone, and I am ADD

Screw the PTA. Worry About Your Child

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By Tom Nardone

I have spoken to a lot of parents, who have children with ADD. They all have at least one thing in common; they all care about their children. I categorize them into two groups; those that medicate, and those who do not medicate. I fully agree with those who medicate, and I understand the skepticism for those that don’t.

I am Tom Nardone. When I was growing up I can remember back to some of the things that were done or said to me as a result of being ADD. I had a real hard time understanding simple instructions, because I could not quiet my own mind long enough to listen when they were given.

To this day, the greatest man I have ever known was my father. I remember some of the things he used to say to me; “Tommy, I sure am glad my life doesn’t depend on your speed” or “What? You left your homework at home? Did you think that you were having class at our house?” and my personal favorite is when my father would ask why I did not do something that asked me to do, and I would say “I didn’t hear that part” to which he would reply “Yah well Tommy I guess it is difficult to hear when your head is up your ass” I do miss my Dad.

I had a very tough time in school. It was common for me to work on projects for weeks or just do regular homework, only to leave them at home on the day were due. In spite of my studying for hours I did very poorly on tests.

Sometimes the teacher would be talking to the class about the days assignments and my mind would be somewhere else. I can’t tell you how many times I would come out of a daydream, and discover the rest of the class was quietly working, and I had no idea what I was supposed to be doing. For most of my years in school I was the kid that everyone else made fun of for being stupid or weird. Sometimes the teachers chimed in, and that was more than I could handle.

I would like to tell you that the problems stopped there. But sadly, they went on to follow me at the many, many, many jobs I quit or got fired from. I don’t mind telling you, and I have said this before. I got fired every way you can think of. From “Hey Tom we are sorry but we just don’t have enough work to keep you on” to “YOU!! PACK YOUR SH#T AND GET THE F@#K OUT OF MY BUILDING” (I will tell you a little something about how it feels to get fired. It gets easier.) It is hard to drive through my town and not pass by two or three places that I have worked before. I thought it was funny at the time. It was however a source of concern for the people who loved me. My ADD also made relationships difficult.

During my former marriage, I had forgotten our anniversary two years in a row. The next year I committed to remember it, and I did. I had a card and gifts I went all out on decorating the house, so when my wife came home she would be surprised. She got home and she was quite surprised since it was not our anniversary that day. She was furious and made me take everything back. To make matters worse a few days later when our actual anniversary came to pass, I did nothing. I thought “Hey I blew it I’ll do better next year” That apparently was also the wrong answer. My point is that, to me that sounded reasonable

For those of you, who are looking for an alternative to medication, there you are. Everything you just read is the alternative to medication. The reason parents put their kids on medication is because it works. Yes we tried lists. We tried charts. We tried a system of rewards, reminder notes, and a lot of other things. None of it helped even a little.

Yes, you can micro-manage your child’s life and maybe you will successfully get them all the way through high school. Someday that kid is going to be on their own. It will be just them and their ADD and you won’t be able to go to work with them. You won’t be there to make a list for them. Then, what will they do. Well, I don’t know what they will do. I only know what you will do. Right or wrong, you will probably blame yourself.

The truth is parents are already giving their kids medication for other things. They don’t question it. They march them down to get a stupid flu shot every year. When their kids are sick and the doctor prescribes some anti-biotic that they can’t even pronounce, there they are in line at the pharmacy. Kids are regularly prescribed prednisone without their mom or dad batting an eye. (You should read the side effects for that). There is Tylenol for kids, Vicks for kids and over 100 different other drugs that parents buy right off the shelf and give their kids and why? Usually it is because they saw a commercial on TV where the kids looked so happy while they took their fun new medicine that has a picture of Sponge Bob on the bottle.

Given all of this, it perplexes me, why a loving parent cannot see their way clear to allow a doctor to prescribe medication for their own child who has been diagnosed with ADD. So their kid has the sniffles and they run right out and buy things they think will make them feel better. Their pediatrician tells them that their child has a stomach virus, they will go hauling ass out to the pharmacy to get that prescription filled. But a doctor tells them their child has ADD, and they simply won’t hear of “Oh NOOOOO!!………. HELL NO!!!……… I love my kids. I won’t be a party to pumping them full of meds!!”

I learned that I was ADHD at the age of 29. A man named Chet Smith who, while firing me, explained that I had ADD. I didn’t know what he was talking about. Later I went and checked up on this. I read a list of the symptoms my eyes were opened, but I had never taken drugs before and I did not want to start.

I was committed to doing this without any drugs, but nothing changed. Years later, it occurred to me the current state of my life might be the alternative to not taking medication. I got a prescription for Adderall and it changed my life, quite dramatically, and quite overnight. I started projects and then, Yah. I finished them. I found things that I was interested in and realized that I was pretty good at them. When I was at work, I focused on my job instead of worrying about how much longer it would be until I could leave. Most of all I was not so irritable all the time. Things in my Life have never been better.

I am married to a woman named Yvonne who I love more than I love myself. I have a step-son named Brett who I have watched grow into a man. I have been at the same job for 14 years. I have a website where I catalog my unique and/or humorous observations and stories that keeps me pretty busy. People read them and enjoy doing so.

I was a child at a time when there was no diagnosis for ADD. I had an incredibly challenging childhood in a world where people who knew me simply wondered why I was the way I was. Strange that I have heard parents say “I got some bad news from my son’s school today. They told me he is ADD.”

When I found out I was ADD, It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I can’t even tell you how wonderful it was to learn that the problems I had been having my whole life were not for the reasons that so many of my peers and teachers told me. I was not stupid. I was not weird, I was Tom Nardone. Today things are pretty good. I am Tom Nardone and I can tell you one thing about being Tom Nardone and that is that it is fun as hell to be Tom Nardone.

Alternatives to medication for ADD, is what a lot of people are searching for. It is what I have lived through for 29 years and I would not wish that on you. Please don’t do it to yourself or your kids.

My life is not perfect today, and it is not without its challenges. I am on top of it though. I am glad I don’t have to do it w/o my medication, and I am glad I don’t have to do it alone

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome

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Yes Dear, We Can Eat Out Tonight. Just get me a shirt that says ”Kill Me Please”

 

tom1My lovely wife used to love going out to eat. Life with me has changed things for her and for her entire family. My wife has just decided that I am a much bigger pain in the ass when asked to leave the house for the sake of a meal, than the meal is worth. Her parents adore me, and I them. She made the mistake of complaining about my shitty attitude about eating out to her mother. Now nobody eats out on their birthday, because her mother does not want me to be inconvenienced. I gotta say “THAT ROCKS!” Continue reading

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I Was a Kick-Ass Father

 

Tom & Brett at CrueFest

I had a bad first marriage. I think the only saving grace was that we never made an effort to have children. I always told people the reason I did not have kids was because, I was a selfish bastard and I did not want the headaches and the heartaches. Continue reading

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