Used Shit is the Best Shit

tom-nardone-used-shit

People love to buy new shit for themselves. I count myself among them. There is nothing quite like unwrapping a new TV or a new laptop. Open the box and tear open the plastic. The smell of the factory air enters my nose as if to tell me, “Tom, I am yours. Use me and abuse me.”

Not everything you buy should be new. There are some things we are better off buying used. There are certain things you should never buy new.

tom-nardone-usedThe Idea of going into a car dealership, walking up to a salesman and saying, “Hi, my name is Tom Nardone. I am in need of a car, so I am ready for you to bend me over the hood and lie to me while you draw up a contract that will outline my disappointment over the next three to five years of my life.” does not appeal to me. Buying a new car is the biggest pain in the ass I can think of.

First is the shopping and the research. After this, you have to go down and talk to the salesman. You have to talk and listen and pay attention. You also have to wonder if you are getting a good deal or maybe the feared fist covered in talcum powder that is undeniably destined to enter your ass.

When all that is done, you have to pay for it every single month. If you don’t they will take it back.

Most of the people with a new car will irritate the shit out of all their friends.Picture13 You have heard them; “Don’t slam the door!” or “Hey don’t lean on my car man! I just bought it!”. You see; now your new car has made you into an asshole. Oh and Yes. If you reprimand one of your friends for leaning on your car, this alone does indeed make you an asshole. If you are going to be this way then please just go out and buy a piece of shit like the rest of us.

Houses are another thing. New houses are a bitch too. There are tons of rules in a new house. Many people are afraid of their houses and I mean afraid. Every decision they make is predicated on resale value. What the Hell kind of way is that to live?

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“NO! don’t hang anything on the walls we will have to fix it when we move.” “Ahhh! Take your shoes off! You will mess up the carpet!” One day a long time ago somebody said the most profound two words ever put together and I think people would be happier if they would embrace them. “Shit Happens.”

Picture1There are people who will not buy anything for their home without consulting there decorator. WOW! I don’t think I want to be friends with anyone who is friends with that person.

These are the problems with buying new cars and homes. So, what is it like to buy used shit? It is awesome.

Yeah! What about used shit?

My son, when he was learning to drive, backed out of the driveway and put a giant scratch on my truck. He felt awful and came in to tell me what happened. I was playing Call of Duty Zombies at the time and I didn’t even feel the need to pause the game. I just said, “Eh don’t worry about it Brett”

My car has an ass-load of scratches and dents on it. I have never owned a car that didn’t. I have never made a car payment in my life. I have never washed a car I owned. For the most part, the only thing my cars have ever done for me is to take me places I didn’t want to go anyway. To Hell with them. They do not deserve that much of my attention. I think if I did buy a brand new car the best after-market upgrade I could give it would be to hit it in the fender with a hammer.

A house is the same thing. Walls get scuffed and carpet gets dirty. I don’t know that I would want to live any other way. A house, like a car, needs attention and money periodically. Yes, repairs are another part of owning a house or a car. This is why I hate houses and cars.

Clothes are where the stupidest people on earth display there assholistic buying habits. To this I have only one thing to say. “Goodwill”

Furniture, on the other hand is awesome. The reason I love my chair, is because my chair loves me unconditionally. It sits there patiently and waits for me all day and never gives me any grief. My chair loves me in spite of the life it lives. My chair spends its days cradling and starring at my ass. It loves me anyway.

Your house and your car will cost you money no matter how good the care you give them is. Your house and your car hate you. They don’t care how much you spend on them. They don’t care how nice you are to them. They don’t care how much you love them. They are going to drill you in the ass one day, as sure as you are reading this. Shit! Would you date a person like that? If you would not date that person then why in the shit, would you finance them at 8% interest? C’mon!

Anything you buy new will eventually be just a car or just be a house. The excitement has a shelf life of 90 days or less. In life sometimes used shit provides you with ease and comfort. I think the best things in life have been used by others already. I don’t want to see you people do this to yourselves. It is my hope that everything you buy tomorrow has already been purchased by an asshole today.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

 

tomboy

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