Eating. The Absolute Ultimate Pain in My Ass!


Eating is perhaps the most necessary of evils. We all must do it. Eating is a burden all living things must bear. I personally cannot stand eating. I would go as far as to say I am indifferent toward food in general. I find every day in almost every area of my life, food is causing be difficulty, inconvenience, pain, or irritation. It never fails. You may not realize it but it affects you the same way.

Eating is not Convenient

Eating is an incredible pain in the ass. I am not saying I don’t enjoy a fine meal, but certainly it is not something I feel the need to have every day. Eating requires we have to go out and buy the food, prepare the food and then serve the food. Then of course there is the putting away left-overs and cleaning up the kitchen. There is a lot of time, money and aggravation in this.

Eating is something we cannot seem to do just enough. We make too much or too little. It is very difficult sometimes to get everything dialed in just right. You can’t always gage how hungry you are or will be or how much you patrons will eat. It is really just a gamble. If we don’t make enough we have hunger pains, and it is also painful if we eat too much.

Eating Produces Critics

Eating-tom-nardone-fussy-eaterHey! Maybe you have found yourself in this situation. You have worked your fingers to the bone on a meal you have never attempted before. There is a hope within you. You are almost certain this meal you have slaved over will be found not just acceptable to all those fortunate enough to be seated before it. Finally the anticipation is coming to an end as the whole family sits down at the dinner table. They begin serving themselves, and you are secretly waiting for the rave reviews as a small reward for the effort you have made for the family you adore. You see someone take the first bite. It’s one of your children. You wait and hope for a an approval to manifest itself by way of a smile taking over their cute little face as you ask yourself; do they like it?

Shit No! Of course they don’t like it. This love of your life, apple of your eye, snot-nosed little bastard, spoiled rotten kid of yours has the gall to say, “I don’t like this. I want something else.” To which a perfect reply would be, “Well, how about bed, would you like to go to bed right now, you little son of a bitch!” I think many of us under the right circumstances could feel justified at that moment (even though it is sort of wrong).

Eating is Offensive

Going into work in the morning and hitting the time clock is never as shitty as when you walk into a break room and smell the stench of someone’s breakfast burrito they just took out of the microwave. The break room at any job is the worst place to be. Lunch is worse because you have all kinds of people polluting the air with food they made at home. My attitude is that if it is someone else’s food from home it is bile. Yours is too deep down.

The real bitch of this is that there is an expectation from others that I accept this. Ask yourself; is this fair? It is inappropriate for me to say how I feel about the atmosphere in the break room at my own place of work, but it is perfectly okay for anyone else to convert their breakfast, lunch or dinner into an airborne Salmonella pathogen.

I suppose their argument is, “Well, I have to eat.” I say, “Perhaps you do asshole but does my suffering really need to be a necessary part of your daily diet?” It is bad enough people bring shit from home and heat it up, but there are another group of assholes who race out to some fast food, spooge-house and bring it back to the break room at work. Dammit! You were just there eat it and stop shitting on my day.

Our break room was once equipped with a refrigerated vending machine that had all sorts of different disgusting food items such as ready-made cheeseburgers, pimento cheeses sandwiches and whatever shit is in those lunch-bucket, asshole entrées. These items sat on a spinning platform so people could shop for what they wanted, heated it, and eat it. I referred to this thing publicly as, “The Salmonella Carousel”. People did not care what I called it. They ate out of it any way.

HEY! If you are thinking of eating in my break room try and remember something very important. I have to breathe so could you just do me a favor and eat your shit cold? I really don’t think this is too much to ask.

Eating is tragic, but…The Aftermath

tom-nardone-eating-stallThe worst part of this is not actually in the break room while eating is taking place. It is in the restrooms about an hour after people have eaten. I do not go in the public restrooms for at least three hours after lunch. I will hold it in and I don’t care what the risk of my stubbornness is. If my decision to hold it in, results in my later dealing with a bowel movement consistent with the fist of Zeus, so be it. eating-fist-of-zeus-tom-nardoneI am damn sure not going to enter a busy restroom, and download some strangers brownload.

Eating is that which we must do and I have no real solution to avoid any of this. I just wanted to identify how so many aspects in our lives are affected by it. I suppose the best super-power I could have would be that I never had to eat ever.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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14 Responses to Eating. The Absolute Ultimate Pain in My Ass!

  1. CeeLee says:

    Memories… Especially break room bathrooms. Maybe I should reconsider going into business for myself and avoid-right…It’d never work, because who wants to work when you can watch TV and mess around all day? Damn. I’m doomed to a future of break room burritos. 😉

  2. Onoir says:

    I’ve only heard this hate of eating once in my life. A friend said that if he could take a pill and fill his stomach and get his nutrients that way, he didn’t think he’d ever eat again. I can’t fathom this. If I could exercise enough to eat six times a day, I would. So you don’t ever get a craving for anything? just have to have something so bad you’d drive twenty minutes away because they have the best whatever it is you are craving?

  3. Tom Nardone says:

    I could not agree more.

  4. Tom Nardone says:

    e are plenty of things I like in that way and on rare occasions perhaps I would seek them out. Very rare occasions.

  5. ksbeth says:

    i wish i had this problem, i love to cook for people and eat all kinds of delicious things. and i love your photos and captions on this one, tomnardone.

  6. karen698 says:

    The pictures, Tom, are great, as usual. I must admit that I usually eat my lunch cold (or room temp, by that point) so that my coworkers don’t have to smell it so much. I never realized what a favor I was doing for them. I laughed so hard at this. Thank

  7. bossymoksie says:

    I used to LOVE eating and look forward to it (I think because I was bored with life). But now I hate it, I hate cooking and all that goes with it. I too wish there was a pill to eat so I can keep it moving and never think about it again!

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