Handshake | Perhaps, Its Time Has Come.

 

Handshake: The Origin of

Tom-Nardone-Handshake-3Handshake (s) , if you believe what you read in history books, dates back to medieval times. It was a way to show you were not carrying a weapon and it would set the recipients mind at ease. While this may still be true in n Texas,  the handshake has taken on many other meanings, purposes and types.

Today the handshake is simply the way we as humans, at least in this country, greet one another. The only problem I have with the handshake is the obligation to shake a hand simply because it has been extended to me. In some circumstances it is a little presumptuous, but I have no problem with the custom itself. It is quick, easy and appropriate enough. I don’t believe I would feel comfortable cupping a man’s balls on our first meeting, so a handshake sounds about right.

Some hands are believed to be more shake-worthy than others. It seems to be determined by whose arm it is connected to. For example, shaking hands with a politician might be coveted above shaking hands with an ex-con, not by me, but to others perhaps.

Handshake Types

The evolution of the handshake is present in our schools, workplaces, prisons and in sporting events. Some even enjoy turning this tradition into a silly activity as they indulge in a series of slaps and finger entanglements. Some of them have meaning, some are just for fun, but all of them are stupid, and generally performed by subhuman species.

I suppose I can give the kids a break on this one but as for the adults, I think they need to realize what the behavior of a moron is, and return to the simple double or triple pump conventional handshake. The adults engaging in this hand-slapping finger-funning, douche-bagging nonsense, are the same adults who wear a ball cap on backwards which we all know is as good as wearing a sign that reads, “I am an asshole”. Yes, if you are an adult and you frequently wear a ball cap backwards to be stylish, that alone makes you an asshole.

There is also what is called the secret handshake. You don’t hear about it much. Some clubs will have a secret handshake you must know and execute this handshake before you are granted entry in to their “Clubhouse”. I will help you men out by telling you, there is no need to learn their secret handshake. All you need to know is no man in that clubhouse is ever going to get laid during the whole course of his life. If you know a secret handshake, chances are, your’e almost an asshole.

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The Hand Sandwich is a regular handshake with the bonus
of placing your left hand on top of the union of the currently entwined hands. I rather like this one, and I offer no explanation as to why

Tom-Nardone-Handshake-6

Then there is the “Wet Dish Rag Handshake” sometimes called the dead fish. This is a special one because today while at work, I did some research for you. First I should explain this handshake is where the man makes no effort to keep any form to his hand, nor offers any grip in return to the recipient. I shook hands with over ten people today for the purpose of this post. In each case I gave the WDR handshake, and here are some of their reactions.

One man recoiled and threw my hand away, indicating to me he was not impressed. Another man looked at me like I was insane. My personal favorite was the man who pulled his hand away quickly and said, “I just want to dig a hole and bury that thing” I asked a friend to give me the WDR handshake, and he agreed. I have to say I found it very unappealing and it felt terrible; much as I would expect from a dead man.

Tom-Nardone-Handshake-4

The pistol packing asshole handshake is among the lowest form of human interaction. If you have a friend, and every time you shake his hand he seemingly cannot resist the urge to come out of the handshake without make a fake pistol with his thumb and fore finger, You need to get a new friend because you just shook hands with an asshole

Some Find it Objectionable

There are those who are objectionable to the handshake all together. The biggest reason for this is the idea of germs. I subscribe to the opinion of the late great George Carlin. George explained that you have to exercise your immune system and germs are critical to our immune system’s strength. However, these people do make a point in their fear of germs.

Penn and Teller, on their TV show called “Bullshit”, determined that there were more germs passed along to a shaken hand, then to a toilet seat after a man sat on it to take a growler. I find this interesting. No so much I would prefer to grab a chunk of a man’s clean ass in place of shaking his filthy germ ridden hand, but it is interesting to me nonetheless.

Are the Days of the Handshake numbered

I would not put money on it, but perhaps a new custom is gaining ground that could cause the handshake to be a thing of the past. I am of course talking about the “Fist-Bump” I did not like the fist-bump at first, but I have to say it is growing on me. As far as I can see there is no downside. Everybody wins with the fist-bump.

The encounter is brief, and could not possibly pass near as many germs. It solves the problem of the guy who can’t seem to grip the hand that it is offered to him. Some people are nervous and their hands get clammy or sweaty. It is for this reason they do not enjoy shaking hands as it affords the an embarrassing experience. The fist-bump solves this problem as well.

As perfect as the fist-bump is, I am certain there are clowns on this planet who will corrupt it. They will feel the need to add to that which is perfect, and play there little patty cake games to following it. I just hope they keep there vile, contemptible little shit-hooks, the Hell away from me.

Conclusion

The irony of the Handshake vs the Fist-Bump is two fold: One, many years ago, presumably, we shook hands for the purpose of feeling safe and having peace of mind and today, in this touchy-feely world, it is the handshake that is causing many people to be without either. Two: This symbolic gesture of peace is evolving from an open hand, to a fist?

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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21 Responses to Handshake | Perhaps, Its Time Has Come.

  1. ksbeth says:

    when i was visiting the aussies, i saw a couple of men actually greet each other in the bar with a cupped ball grab and yell out some aussie slang that sounded like, “dinkumgdaywombatdingomate!’. i think this happens in aussie rules football and rugby too, so it is not a huge deal to them. all i worried about was who had they cupped prior to meeting me. but then i am always just wondering about stuff, and that’s just me…. loved this post, tomnardone. )

  2. Gray Dawster says:

    My comment was lost, don’t know why Tom 🙁 Grrr

  3. Gray Dawster says:

    Eskimo’s rub noses, Aliens exchange ray-guns, Neanderthals scratch assholes (some humans do that too 🙁 ) and hand shaking seems to be old hat these days. Did I mention William Shakespeare? Well he probably shook hands a lot and left his spear at home 🙂 Well maybe?

    Keep up the great work Tom and be as Awesome as usual my wicked friend 🙂

    Andro

  4. Jackie Marie says:

    I typed a really awesome comment here, and then it didn’t show up. Of course, those witty words are lost now, and I cannot recreate my wonderful original comment. Also, I want to say that I am so not a fan of the handshake, and I am inflicted with a case of clammy hands. Sometimes I catch people trying to discreetly wipe off their hand after shaking hands with me. It’s an awkward time had by all. I’d like to think that my handshake is at least better than the dead fish handshake though, so at least I’ve got that going for me…I think.

    • Jackie you are cracking me up. I have done that i dont know how many tomes and it is usually when i am replying on my ipod. I cant wait to let yvonne see your comment. She has the exact same problem and has told me about people wiping off there hands. Thanks so much for sharing that.

    • Gray Dawster says:

      That happened to me too Jackie, but I think it only happens on the first comment, strange though and very annoying after writing lots of witty innuendo 🙂 Have a wicked Monday 🙂

      Andro

  5. At least it’s not sniffing butts. I agree, the sandwich shake is…comforting. The fist-bump came from those “patty cake” games. p}!{k

  6. Jade Reyner says:

    I love the fact that you carried out such thorough research in order to bring us today’s brand of awesomeness. It is known fact that the easiest way to catch a cold is via hand to hand contact (hence the over indulgence of anti bacterial hand washes over here) and we have many signs up everywhere telling us to keep our hands clean. Back to the handshake though.. in my previous life I must have shook hands a dozen or more times per day, mostly with men. I always used this as a sign of whether they were trustworthy or not, depending on the strength of the shake. I absolutely hate the limp and clammy ones and I would be guilty of discreetly wiping my hands thereafter. 🙂

  7. TIA says:

    I am a firm believer of a FIRM handshake! I especially love it in that movie Bad News bears, when the two coaches are embraced in a firm handshake, and Greg kinnear is squeezing with all of his might, saying to Billy bob Thornton…. “Do you feel that”, in which he replies back…. “Feel what”? Firm hand shakes don’t spread near as many germs as loose ones, plus they get your point across, at least in my opinion. Very good handshaking points Tom! 😉

  8. Andrew says:

    Would it be wrong to wipe any moisture you get from a handshake on the other person’s shirt or pants? Could make for an interesting conversation afterward, right?

    • Andrew, I literally laughed out loud as I sit here. 🙂

      I believe if somebdy had the sack to do such a thing, than Yes it would be a great intro to a great conversation. Very nice Andrew

  9. Julie says:

    I’m very familiar with the Wet Dish Rag Handshake. I thought it must have something to do with being female. If you’re going to put me through the germfest of hand contact, at least commit! And, if you’re a dude and you give me the Wet Dish Rag Handshake, I mentally deduct points from your man card for that.

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