Handshake: The Origin of
Handshake (s) , if you believe what you read in history books, dates back to medieval times. It was a way to show you were not carrying a weapon and it would set the recipients mind at ease. While this may still be true in n Texas, the handshake has taken on many other meanings, purposes and types.
Today the handshake is simply the way we as humans, at least in this country, greet one another. The only problem I have with the handshake is the obligation to shake a hand simply because it has been extended to me. In some circumstances it is a little presumptuous, but I have no problem with the custom itself. It is quick, easy and appropriate enough. I don’t believe I would feel comfortable cupping a man’s balls on our first meeting, so a handshake sounds about right.
Some hands are believed to be more shake-worthy than others. It seems to be determined by whose arm it is connected to. For example, shaking hands with a politician might be coveted above shaking hands with an ex-con, not by me, but to others perhaps.
The evolution of the handshake is present in our schools, workplaces, prisons and in sporting events. Some even enjoy turning this tradition into a silly activity as they indulge in a series of slaps and finger entanglements. Some of them have meaning, some are just for fun, but all of them are stupid, and generally performed by subhuman species.
I suppose I can give the kids a break on this one but as for the adults, I think they need to realize what the behavior of a moron is, and return to the simple double or triple pump conventional handshake. The adults engaging in this hand-slapping finger-funning, douche-bagging nonsense, are the same adults who wear a ball cap on backwards which we all know is as good as wearing a sign that reads, “I am an asshole”. Yes, if you are an adult and you frequently wear a ball cap backwards to be stylish, that alone makes you an asshole.
There is also what is called the secret handshake. You don’t hear about it much. Some clubs will have a secret handshake you must know and execute this handshake before you are granted entry in to their “Clubhouse”. I will help you men out by telling you, there is no need to learn their secret handshake. All you need to know is no man in that clubhouse is ever going to get laid during the whole course of his life. If you know a secret handshake, chances are, your’e almost an asshole.
The Hand Sandwich is a regular handshake with the bonus
of placing your left hand on top of the union of the currently entwined hands. I rather like this one, and I offer no explanation as to why
Then there is the “Wet Dish Rag Handshake” sometimes called the dead fish. This is a special one because today while at work, I did some research for you. First I should explain this handshake is where the man makes no effort to keep any form to his hand, nor offers any grip in return to the recipient. I shook hands with over ten people today for the purpose of this post. In each case I gave the WDR handshake, and here are some of their reactions.
One man recoiled and threw my hand away, indicating to me he was not impressed. Another man looked at me like I was insane. My personal favorite was the man who pulled his hand away quickly and said, “I just want to dig a hole and bury that thing” I asked a friend to give me the WDR handshake, and he agreed. I have to say I found it very unappealing and it felt terrible; much as I would expect from a dead man.
The pistol packing asshole handshake is among the lowest form of human interaction. If you have a friend, and every time you shake his hand he seemingly cannot resist the urge to come out of the handshake without make a fake pistol with his thumb and fore finger, You need to get a new friend because you just shook hands with an asshole
Some Find it Objectionable
There are those who are objectionable to the handshake all together. The biggest reason for this is the idea of germs. I subscribe to the opinion of the late great George Carlin. George explained that you have to exercise your immune system and germs are critical to our immune system’s strength. However, these people do make a point in their fear of germs.
Penn and Teller, on their TV show called “Bullshit”, determined that there were more germs passed along to a shaken hand, then to a toilet seat after a man sat on it to take a growler. I find this interesting. No so much I would prefer to grab a chunk of a man’s clean ass in place of shaking his filthy germ ridden hand, but it is interesting to me nonetheless.
Are the Days of the Handshake numbered
I would not put money on it, but perhaps a new custom is gaining ground that could cause the handshake to be a thing of the past. I am of course talking about the “Fist-Bump” I did not like the fist-bump at first, but I have to say it is growing on me. As far as I can see there is no downside. Everybody wins with the fist-bump.
The encounter is brief, and could not possibly pass near as many germs. It solves the problem of the guy who can’t seem to grip the hand that it is offered to him. Some people are nervous and their hands get clammy or sweaty. It is for this reason they do not enjoy shaking hands as it affords the an embarrassing experience. The fist-bump solves this problem as well.
As perfect as the fist-bump is, I am certain there are clowns on this planet who will corrupt it. They will feel the need to add to that which is perfect, and play there little patty cake games to following it. I just hope they keep there vile, contemptible little shit-hooks, the Hell away from me.
The irony of the Handshake vs the Fist-Bump is two fold: One, many years ago, presumably, we shook hands for the purpose of feeling safe and having peace of mind and today, in this touchy-feely world, it is the handshake that is causing many people to be without either. Two: This symbolic gesture of peace is evolving from an open hand, to a fist?
I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.
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