Fast Food Rules of Engagement

tom-nardone-fast-foodI don’t eat anything from fast food restaurants ever. There are several reasons not the least of which is I find it to be incredibly unhealthy. There are benefits to it I suppose. It is quick, easy, and there are often times tempting prizes or toys that come with certain combo meals; hey, I get that. I worked at a fast food restaurant for three years when I was in high school and perhaps I have seen too much.

There are many of you, I suspect, who frequent these fast food places, and I fear many of you are not aware of the rules of fast food restaurants. If you read me, or if you find yourself on my blog for the first time, then I love you. I would not want to see any harm come to you, or the people you care about so please, heed my words for your own sake.

Don’t be an Asshole

fast-food-DRINK-THIs- FAST

No matter how many times you have to repeat yourself, when ordering fast food do not be an asshole. No matter what kind of mood the drive-thru guy is in, don’t be an asshole. If they get your order wrong, then just drive away and don’t go back. You don’t ever want to upset the drive-thru guy. You cant win. They don’t give a shit so they will always win.Shitty service? just bend over and take it like a man.

…or Asshole by Association


Additionally, being at the fast food drive-thru with a bunch of passengers who don’t have their shit together and are laughing at the fact they don’t know what to order, makes you an asshole. You are the driver, and you are responsible for everyone in your car. That isn’t my rule, that is the state law.  Nothing annoys them more then to have to wait for bullshit to stop. The have enough of bullshit as it is.

The Drive-Thru guy is important to you.


Almost as important as not being an asshole, pay attention to the fast food drive-thru guy. They are working and are therefore destined to have a shitty day. You on the other hand are out having fun. Get off your cell phone and turn off your bullshit music. For those few minutes you are at the window, they need to be treated as the most important person in your life. That guy in the funny hat, will be handling the things you put in your body.

Don’t Be Rich

I don’t know why rich people eat fast food, but perhaps them or even you have found great financial success inNICE CAR your profession, and you are able to afford a nice car. You pull up to the drive-thru in a Mercedes, BMW, Lexus or a Porsche, and the kid at the drive-thru window says, “Oh look at this rich asshole”. The problem you people have is you are starting out with points against you because your not only having a better day than they are, but you are having a better life than they are. Even if your the most polite person ever to  place an order at this drive-thru, it wont matter. As soon as your car comes into view, your status immediately changes to “Rich Asshole”. You should just go inside to order.

This is fast food

lickerYou might be asking, “Tom the people won’t actually spit on your food, will they? Isn’t that just a myth?” Uhhhh, No! It is not a myth. I have seen things you would absolutely, not believe. I have seen too much to believe it doesn’t still go on today.

True story I

DRINK THIS FASTWhen I was working in fast food, I saw a guy who took an order over the phone because the customer wanted to come pick it up with no waiting. His pen would not write, so asked the customer to repeat it to him. The customer raised yelled at him and called him a stupid teenager. He did not get mad he just wrote the order down, and thanked the customer and hung up the phone. He went to get the two hamburger patties and tossed them in the sink with the dirty dishwasher. He took a hand full of lettuce and stuffed it in the front of his underwear. After ten minutes, he pulled the patties out of the sink and cooked them. When they were done, he finished the order by pulling the lettuce out of his shorts to use on both burgers. The customer came in and paid, and the guy who prepared these burgers personally delivered them with a smile on his face.

True Story II

The fast food drive-thru guy was having a conversation whileHERE YOU GO BITCH the lady was ordering and was not listening to her, he asked her to repeat herself, and continued not to listen as he was enjoying his conversation with his coworkers. He then got it together and asked her to repeat the order for the third time, and she told him to “Wake up!” she even went on to explain to him what his job was, and asked what kind of place this was. She wanted two 32oz diet sodas and explained she did not want any ice in them, as she was driving far away and did not wish for the ice to melt. This guy was so angry, he took a big gulp of each one and let it flow right back into the cup. He then put a packet of salt into each one. He politely handed it to her as she drove off, and could not stop laughing about it. Oh and I should mention he was the manager on duty.

I could have told worse stories, but they are too disgusting or unbelievable to mention. My advice to you is simply not to eat fast food, but I know you will do this anyway in spite of my advice. Therefore, I will explain to you how I go about it on the very rare occasions I find myself having to eat in such places.

The Tom Nardone Fast Food Approved Method for Success!

At fast food restaurants, when I get to the menu board, I begin groveling and pretending as if my level of intelligence is far below theirs. I talk slow and speak as though I have very little education. I am so respectful and meek it is physically uncomfortable. When I get to the window, I tell them this is my favorite place to go out of all the other restaurants in town. I will even ask the name of the drive-thru guy’s manager and confirm their name so I can tell their boss what a great job they are doing. I might even inquire as to whether they are hiring, and ask for an application. I am like a politician during this process. Doing this or things such as this, ensures that contaminating my food is not really worth it.

Also to you people driving the aforementioned automobiles. You need to go inside and order. Once they see your car, it could be too late by the time you get to the window. nobody who works fast food likes you!

When to Be an Asshole!

If you are truly angered, by the level of service, you get and you feel you must say something, wait, until you get your order. Now, once you have your food, and have checked everything in the bag, and you are ready to leave, all of what I just said goes out the window. You feel free to break from character and then commence breaking asses. You can now dress this piece of shit down like the loser they may be. This guy can no longer harm you and you are free to unshackle the asshole and relieve yourself of the stress they have caused you through whatever form of verbal assault you deem appropriate.

You know that awful, awful word you have been waiting for an opportunity to use, but have not yet found the right time or place. Break it out and consider this the ideal place to test it. When the interaction gets to this point, they will grovel as you have the control.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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34 Responses to Fast Food Rules of Engagement

  1. Ned's Blog says:

    Great wisdom, Tom. Just to be safe, sometimes I will bring food from another fast food restaurant and present it to the drive thru person I’m actually ordering my own food from — just to keep them guessing…

  2. ksbeth says:

    i love the strategy, you give great advice tomnardone. i worked at mcdonald’s for one day when i was 15. i had a fantasy of a big mac, large fries and chocolate shake every day and tons of dollars in my pocket. after the first day i realized i could not follow corporate rules, (which continues to this day), and decided it was not the career for me.

    ps – imagine the good fortune of our local wendy’s drive thru guy who had the chance to experience one of our detroit lions’ asst. coaches, very drunk and very nude, late at night, as he pulled up to his window?

  3. But they loved my Daytona!!! And they loved it when I got my Veloster! That’s how they recognized me and we were all such good friends! Oh crap! I think I need to go vomit. 😛

  4. I always ask if my hamburger was made with flank steak.

  5. Karen Bass says:

    I always go in as Joe Pesci ” you always get fucked at the drive thru” and ordering from a fast food place you need to walk and I keep simple nothing “fancy” to upset them 😉

  6. Agent 54 says:

    Well, I got the “Don’t be rich” part down.

    I worked at McDonald’s for a month. I was mopping the floor when a large black man told me to stop smiling at him because he was a very bad man. I was so low at that point in my life that I smiled even wider at him in hopes that he would kill me right there. Of course he figured out that I was NUTZ and walked out with me leaning on my mop smiling at him.

    You don’t have to be crazy to work in fast food but, it helps.

  7. ericaatje says:

    I never eat fast food. Don’t like the taste of it at all…

  8. You give the best advice. Thankfully, I don’t like fast food (except for a certain French Fry) and for those I go inside.

    Laughing…This by the way is why I eat and drink from Starbucks when I am driving.

  9. Tom Nardone I will never piss you off before you cook for me again

  10. In other words, always behave like the guy behind the counter or the drive-thru window is Randal Graves from Clerks II.

    Seriously though, I do try to treat anyone who serves me food with at least the dignity and respect I’d give any stranger, if nothing more than for the pity they have to work such a crappy job.

  11. A. van Nerel says:

    Great advice…Actually, I’m inclined to side with the guy that put lettuce in his underwear or the manager that added salt to the mix. I think a fast food restaurant is the one place where you shouldn’t take yourself too seriously as a customer.
    I know a few people who worked in fast food establishments (not too long ago) and they tell the same kind of stories. It’s the reason I don’t eat there, cause I can be kind of an asshole sometimes;)

  12. If tossing patties in the sink is what makes them tasty, then that’s how it shall be.


  13. mollytopia says:

    This is beyond terrifying. A Volvo doesn’t count right? I’m always really nice btw. Except for that one time I raised hell in the Wendy’s drive-thru because, ready? They wouldn’t cut my sandwich in half. After reading this I’m sure my mother and I split a 1/4lb turd with tomato. Sigh.

    • I would say that is a stretch as it would be difficult to produce, shape, prepare, cut, wrap, and serve such a thing. I hope that sets your mind at ease.

      I only wish I could have been there sooner Molly, but live and learn. I am glad you now know the rules and can now smoothly navigate yourself through the drive-thru with the education I have provided.

      Just remember to grovel and knowing you this is not something you are accustomed to doing so feel free at anytime to practice on me I will to my best to condescend to you should you feel this would be if help to you. Thanks for sharing your story Molly. “Thank you and come again ma’am”.

  14. bossymoksie says:

    Karma even works in the drive-thru!
    I don’t eat fast food because it’s mostly crap. But you still gotta watch out for restaurants too!

  15. TIA says:

    I always live by this rule…. I don’t want to know! I know all of those stories are true, and that there are worse ones not only in restaurants, but also hotels, buffets, and other places we frequent trustfully! I will be kind to EVERYONE, after your forth comings….but someone is still apt to rub their genitals on my taco meat! I choose to live in the dark on this subject matter! 😉

  16. DUH'Merica says:

    Nice post. Those are some pretty good rules. I do worry that some of the “nicer” restaurants may be just as bad. For my job, I often have to go into kitchens and I’ve been shocked at some things I’ve seen at the “nicer” places.

    • I suppose it’s reasonable to assume that people who work in nice restaurants get pissed off as well. Maybe I just won’t need anything for the rest my life unless I grow the shit. Your point is well made sir and thank you for contributing.

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