Superhero, You Can Take That Job and Shove It!

superhero-Tom-nardone-1114

I think the world can never have enough heroes. Everybody loves the hero. Heroes are defined by many different characteristics ranging from strength to survival or anyone paving the way through great adversity, so that others can more easily take a similar path. However, as far as the job of a superhero, you can take that job and shove it!

Many of us, when hearing about a hero think first of a superhero: Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman or Spiderman. These types of heroes have been romanticized by Hollywood for years, and they are among some of the more impressive movies, but I can’t help but feel that there are aspects of their lives that are not accurately portrayed.

I think it would be quite amazing to have super powers, but one thing I would not like about superpowers is the expectation of being a superhero. I am sure it is like most things that we enjoy. They are loads of fun until it becomes something we have to do. Then, it just becomes one big pain in the ass, and there would undoubtedly be an obligation to leave the house every day. Let’s assume I was a superhero. For the sake of this story, I will be Awesomeman. This may sound like an exciting scenario to some of you, but let me bring you down to earth.

A Superhero has high expectations

The expectation of hygiene would be terrible. Every day I would be expected to shave, shower, brush my teeth and always wear clean tights. You never know when the press will be around wanting to jam cameras right up my ass. The kids would be watching and OH NO I can disappoint parents by giving their children an excuse to let their personal appearance slide. I would have to have so many pairs of tights and doing laundry would be a bitch, because I would have to wear my tights underneath my clothes. I do well to find one clean wardrobe each morning; two is a tad optimistic.

Everywhere I went I would be asked the same stupid questions, and asked to perform the same stupid parlor tricks; “Hey Awesome-man, can I get a picture of you lifting my car over your head?”, or “Hey Awesome-man, How fast can you fly?”, or “Hey Awesome-man why do you where tights?” I would be constantly lifting heavy shit for the amusement of people, and giving free rides everywhere.

superhero-tom-nardone-1I cannot imagine I would ever get a day off, and how in the Hell, am I supposed to make a living anyway? I will most likely have a shitty forty-hour a week job. I am at work and they flash the big “A” light in the sky above the city. I get a call saying a young girl is trapped on the 45th floor of a high-rise building, and I guess there is an expectation for me to go save her now. I have to be anonymous, but my boss is getting tired of this shit. This happens all the time and he has a business to run. It’s not as if I can run to him and say, “Boss I have to go there is a little girl in trouble!” I have to make up some lame excuse, such as, I’m sick or my kid has a doctor appointment. He says, “Well that’s it then, you can consider yourself shit-canned!”

So now, I can fly my unemployed ass onto the scene of the high-rise fire. I see the little girl forced to jump out of the window to avoid burning to death. It’s not as if there is time to locate her parents fill out a service contract, negotiate a fee and wait for the check to clear. It would be a matter of act immediately and maybe they will pay. I have to swoop in, catch her and return her safely to the ground. I get a hug from her parents, a handshake from the mayor, and get drilled right in my bulletproof ass once again by the country in which I live. Even if they did write me a check on the scene, how in the Hell does Tom Nardone cash a check made out to Awesomeman?

I would be sure to get bad press as a result of this power. superhero-tom-nardone-2The press would hate everything I stood for. The media’s bread and butter are the death, dismemberment, terror, pain and suffering of the citizens of their community. Without these disasters and deaths, they would have to work and come up with stories that were interesting. As Awesomeman, I would be a threat to their livelihood.

On the rare cases when they were there to cover disasters, they would no doubt post headlines such as, “Where Was Awesomeman?” or “Awesomeman’s Vacation Causes 20 to Perish!” I would be smeared daily and perhaps even painted as a pedophile, drug-addict, alcoholic or some other less desirable person. They can’t have me going around screwing up their stories. Newspaper and News reporters make money when people die. This is not true of Ned Hickson. (I love Ned.)

superhero-tom-nardone-3

I also see a lot of room for marital problems. I can see myself coming home after saving the young girl from the high-rise building, for which I have received no money. I can’t tell my wife, “I am Awesomeman”, because that is just the rule. She will no doubt give me the cold stare after I explain to her I was fired again. Now I have to look for another job. She will of course start yakking of what a bad example I am to the kids. Asking me how they will grow up under the supervision of a father who can’t even hold down a job.

Since I am unemployed now, I will have to be the primary doer of all the yard work and housework. I will have to do this at the same time I look for a job and try to save the world.

There is just no winning. I don’t think I would want these kinds of superpowers. Knowing myself as I do, I think eventually, I would just fly out to my fortress of Awesometude, and become a hermit until death brought me sweet relief. If you are ever offered superpowers, I do hope you will remember my words.

“The Fleas Come With the Dog”

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome

  • tomboyYou can join the I Am Tom Nardone Facebook Group by clicking HERE.
  • Or, you can enter you email address at the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME” 
  • Or, you could risk never hearing from me again and go through life without the benefit of my counsel, but what would be the fun in that?

Suitable Day Jobs For  Superhero   (loupdargent.info)
Defining a Hero and a  Superhero (kyliethesz7.wordpress.com)
The Urban Hero: A Possibility (totaldetective.wordpress.com)
Why Superhero es Wear Their Underwear on the Outside (gizmodo.co.uk)
DIY Superhero  Snowflakes: Paper Heroes (technabob.com)
Are Superhero es Fascist? (badassdigest.com)
Why Superhero es Wear Their Underwear on the Outside (gizmodo.com)
What is a Superhero ? (darthdandelion.wordpress.com)
Superhero es If They Were Fat – Fan Art (geektyrant.com)

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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38 Responses to Superhero, You Can Take That Job and Shove It!

  1. Great writing, Tom. Great advise. =D
    *still laughing*

  2. As the wife of Awesome man (Tom Nardone) I can see a direct correlation to his predicament of being a super hero (my hero). Because Tom can fix any computer for other people, I expect the same service in our home (I get very little IT support). I know he doesn’t just hang wires across the outside of the house and on the floor or hanginging over light fixtures of his client’s homes. He is also an engineering genius and I expect him to fix any car problem I have like a super mechanic. I get very disappointed when he gets frustrated and gives up for the day (leaving my car inoperable). He also gets annoyed at the thought of doing any home improvement even though I have witnessed him do beautiful tile and woodwork. I do make him wear clean clothes but shavings a challenge. He is a very hairy super hero and wines when I make him get haircuts. But the one thing that stands tall is that tom is Super Kind. He has never mustered one abusive word or action in my direction. Tom continues has always held me up when I couldn’t walk for myself and always will. It might be a bitch having super powers that go along with super expectations, but it all balances in the end.

  3. What about being a super villain? I must say I was very disappointed that your costume was not made from your onesie. :/

    What Yvonne said about you, and you’re one of the best friends a person could ask for. I have seen the kindness she talks about too. I so much value the genius advice you give. You are one of a kind and a blessing to know. I’m proud to be your #1 groupie! 😉

    Sorry Tom, but like it or not, you are a super hero. You are Awesomeman!

  4. Gray Dawster says:

    As Super Hero worship goes there are always going to be lots of women craving the wickedness of Super Awesome-Man in all of his finery but one has to be realistic, and you always are my great friend 🙂

    Besides shaving every day sucks, and as men we like to sit around in our scruffs, maybe not even changing our underpants until they fail the ‘Stick-Test’ so don’t worry about declining on the BIG ‘S’ Vest and matching tights…

    How do you mean what is the ‘Stick-Test’ all about? Well quite simply if one’s underpants fail to stick to the bathroom wall after trying out a quick flannelling of the crown jewels then they are not ready for the laundry 🙂 Not that I an one to not change my Evils of course 😉 lmao

    Have a wicked Thursday Tom and Yvonne, you guys rock this blogosphere 🙂

    Andro xxxx Yes Tom, for Yvonne 😉 🙂 lol

  5. Super powers might be nice, but Tom I think you are already a Superhero and your wife proved it eloquently and with great love.

    Happy new year.

    • Well Val Thank You. You have been a valued friend this year and i am so grateful to have known you and have access to you. I thank you for the nice things you have said about me and I look forward to another year of interacting. Thanks Val

  6. TIA says:

    Tom, I always thought you already had super powers! I always wondered if Super heroes ever get a vacation….Say on the beaches of Mexico?!

  7. Margie says:

    Hmm, also, what about when the part where you are flying to go save the girl and see a mugging. How do you mutli-task as a super hero? I can’t even do it as a regular person, that’s why I’m reading this instead of doing my actual job.

  8. Your column shows amazing foresight. Your logic is the reason I keep my superpowers under wraps. Way under wraps.

  9. A superhero waiting to save a girl until the check clears…I like that idea. It seems fair, actually. Most cities survive without a superhero, so if you’re blessed with the presence of Awesomeman, it’s only fair to pay up. Perhaps you could open up a store where people can buy coupons, should they ever need saving. A ten dollar coupon would cover being saved from a burning building, a twentyfive dollar coupon would suffice to have you evicted from a downward plummeting airplane. Etc. Etc. Unless Awesomeman is a communist, this could work out maybe;)

  10. Superheroing is a heavy burden man…. Best to leave it to someone who wants the attention. Plus, I refuse to believe that if Superheroes have all this power, that they can’t somehow negotiate their way out of having to wear tights. They should wear whatever they want!

  11. bossymoksie says:

    Thanks Tom for breaking down the realities of being a superhero. I was contemplating becoming one but I’ll think I’ll pass. LOL at the pictures! Perfectly showed how annoying that shit would be!

  12. Agent 54 says:

    And now you know how I feel.

  13. mollytopia says:

    Damn, when you put it like that being a superhero sucks ASSS. Where would we be without your counsel? Unemployed in tights that’s where. And yes, we all love Ned. You’re a hoot, Tom : )

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