Frosty the Snowman, You Are Gonna Love Hell!

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Frosty, the snowman has been a part of Christmas for a long time. What in the Hell are we trying to teach our kids exactly? This must sound strange to some of you, but many of you failed to see the flaws in Rudolph until they were brought to light by me, and in the end my insightful observations, were proven to be sound. Let’s examine why Frosty, and his snow covered ass are damaging to your child.

In the opening of the story, a magician while attempting to entertain a bunch of snotty nosed kids, was having a tough time getting his tricks to work. Later his rabbit ran off with his hat. As he was chasing after it he made a dive for it and it flew away and landed on the head of a snow man. This caused Frosty to come to life immediately. The first words out of his mouth were “Happy Birthday”. I don’t know what in the shit that means, but anyway, the magician still wanted his hat and the kids told him he could not have it.

Frosty was only interested in protecting his own ass allows these kids to steal the hat from the magician. He tells the kids he needs to go to the the North Pole to prevent himself from melting. He successfully cons these eight year old kids into taking him to the train station. Oh and this man of snow had know problem being naked in front them all either.

Picture2Now…here is where I question parents letting their kids watch this special. You see, in this country, or any civilized country, when you see a naked man walking down the street with his pipe out, corn cob or otherwise, singing with a bunch of eight year old kids behind him, we would not think to smile at him. No, we would think to kill him. The people of the town, including the cop who almost arrested him only for not observing a red light, did not see this as a problem. He almost gave him a ticket for walking through an intersection, but singing while naked with pipe in hand at times, well that is just fine.

When they cannot afford the $3000 train ticket, Frosty is complicit in allowing these kids to help him sneak aboard the train. They broke into a refrigerated car and boarded it. Frosty did not even consider the fact he was contributing to their delinquency. One girl went with him and he didn’t even care that the refrigerated car might cause this child to get hypothermia. He did not give a shit about anyone; he was concerned only for his own frozen white ass, and in preventing it from melting.

The magician was still hot on their trail, and finally found Frosty and the young kidnapped girl hiding in a green house. While they were in the greenhouse, the magician heroically slammed the door, and Frosty’s ass melted along with the rest of him, and there was nothing left but a puddle of water and the magician’s property. When the magician attempted to claim his hat, guess who showed up to drill him right in the ass? That is correct, the biggest asshole of them all. Santa Clause.

Picture1If Santa is not beating Rudolph’s self-esteem into the ground he is standing up for a kidnapping peder-ass that corrupts children into breaking the law for the purpose his own well-being. Santa then uses the power of his title to bully this man into leaving without the hat he traveled so far to recover. Santa tells him he must not only leave the hat with them, but he must write, “I am sorry for what I did to Frosty” a 100 million times. That is bullshit. How in the Hell can he expect to accomplish this. He left quickly to hurry up and get started on his punishment. He then completes his evil intervention by doing a most despicable act in reviving Frosty.

So we have a naked man kidnapping children who is most likely a peder-ass, stealing property and breaking and entering with children he has conned into a self-serving partnership. We then have Santa deciding to punish the man who thwarted Frosty’s reign of terror with the kidnapped eight year old. Santa then caps all of this off by threatening the magician by withholding his toys. Nice Santa, real nice.

I believe if I lived in this town I would have seen this, and taken frosty to some part of town inside a warm building. I would sing Christmas carols to him as I looked into his coal eyes. I would do this as I watched him melt. After he was gone, I would bottle him up in gallon size jugs of water and take them to my home. I would save this water until after eating a big hearty Christmas dinner, I would use those jugs to fill the tank of my toilet. I would then use his remains to flush the toilet, thereby sending him where he could spend eternity with pieces of shit, such he was. Shame on you frosty. Shame on you.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome. Oh, and have a Merry Christmas

I would like to thank my new friend Niki, for the inspiration for writing this story. she just made her first post and you can read it here.

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34 Responses to Frosty the Snowman, You Are Gonna Love Hell!

  1. cwmccoy126 says:

    Frosty had it coming from the minute he stole that dude’s hat… I mean everyone knows you don’t mess with a bro’s hat. He’s cold as ice! Lol

  2. You are wise beyond your years, Tom. And, yes, Santa deserves to do some hard time on a conspiracy rap.

  3. I just can’t wrap my head around it. I still love frosty. I also still like Michael Jackson, so what does that say about me?

  4. ksbeth says:

    frosty vs. heat miser. (next horror film series) let’s see who wins.

    • Beth frosty could kick a hair dryers ass

      • ksbeth says:

        Heat Miser is a character from the Rankin/Bass 1974 children’s television special The Year Without a Santa Claus. He is an ogre or demon-like being who controls all warm weather all over the world. His nemesis is his half-brother Snow Miser. Mother Nature herself is their mother. As he sings in his memorable ragtime song, the “Heat Miser” song (“Whatever I touch, starts to melt in my clutch”), he can melt objects with a touch. Even flammable objects, such as a shovel’s wooden handle, melt in his hand, rather than combust. Unlike Snow Miser, there is no evidence he can restore objects he melts as Snow Miser can with objects he turns to snow. His heat abilities include bolts, beams, balls of lava and spitting fire. He can also project intense heat from his hands or mouth to form objects of flame that can endure independently for a few seconds. While grumpy, hot-tempered and bitter over his belief that Santa Claus is unfair to him, giving Snow Miser free publicity while he gets none, and that Mother Nature likes Snow Miser better, he is not an evil being.
        He lives in a volcano with miniature clones of himself. Heat Miser was voiced by character actor George S. Irving in the original special. In the 2006 NBC live-action remake, he is played by actor Harvey Fierstein. In this depiction, he wears a Hawaiian-style shirt, and his underlings are replaced by women in bikinis, rather than the Mini Misers. They also operate his over-sized slingshot to launch fireballs in his feud with Snow Miser.

  5. bossymoksie says:

    “That is correct, the biggest asshole of them all. Santa Clause.”
    Hahahahahahahaha.
    You have once again pointed out how nonsensical and dumb these ‘spirit of Christmas’ movies for the kiddies are.

  6. Jade Reyner says:

    I have to confess to never having seen this, however as far as television reviews go, this is pretty damning. Can I suggest that you refrain from commenting on such programmes as this in the future. Even though he is made of snow, I am sure that Frosty has a heart in there somewhere. If you persist in persecuting him, you may find yourself exiled to the North Pole to live in an igloo. And as far as I am aware, they do not have coffee machines in igloos! 😀

    Ha ha – good one Tom! As ever.. 😉

  7. First of all Mr. Nardtwo, Frosty was obviously a simpleton, totally ignorant to the ways, rights and wrongs of this world. He’d just been born for Pete’s sake! That’s why he was saying “Happy Birthday!” So to hold him responsible for his crimes is simply ludicrous! I suppose you think infants should be arrested for being born naked! Furthermore, he wasn’t naked! He was wearing a SNOWSUIT! DUH!!! And though he did APPEAR naked, did anyone offer him any clothing? NO! All he ever ended up with was that hat! So yes, I’m sure he hung onto it like his LIFE DEPENDED ON IT! Oh wait, it DID!

    p}!{k

  8. TIA says:

    Beautiful piece Tom… and so full of Christmas spirit! Ive never considered all that, and when you tore it all down like that, all the blood drained from my body, and I became ill! I sing this song proudly every year with my children, and sometimes play the guitar along with it!!! What have I done?????? 🙂

  9. I am laughing so hard I nearly peed my pants, where is Frosty when you need him. Well done Tom, well done.

    • I laughed so hard when I read you comment Val. I have gotten some “it was funny but it wasn’t Rudolph” comments. I tend to agree. I am so thrilled you loved it. Thanks so much Val.

  10. xtrememom says:

    You’re observations are right on. This is a creepy story at best. One can only assume the writers were former flower children of the 60’s who were in the peak of experiencing some grOoovy flashbacks. This would make more sense than the story itself.
    I’d like to see a revision where Frosty actually has a brain and somebody kicks the magicians miserable ass. That would be a definite improvement.

    • Thank you Gina,
      I will work on this story for next year. I am thinking about a project for this year. I will revisit all of the Christmas stories and set them on a post timer for Christmas 2014.

      You have been such an inspiration to me this year and i could not be happier having you read me. Thanks for all you have done and continue to. You are without a doubt an extreme mom, but you are far more than that. You are an extreme writer and an extreme friend. Thanks for being there.

      • xtrememom says:

        Thank you for the kind words Tom. I thoroughly enjoy reading your stories and can’t wait to read the revised Christmas series.

        I feel fortunate to have stumbled upon your blog and glad that we’ve became fast friends. You’re truly a breath of fresh air.

        I look forward to your continued awesomeness in 2014. Rock on sir!!

  11. Marie says:

    That Frosty story never held together for me, now it is all clear to me. Thanks, Tom Nardone!

  12. ksbeth says:

    keep your hat on and your brass balls covered.

  13. Danielle says:

    This is great. Maybe you were trying to steer clear of the race thing but I just kept waiting for you to mention that frosty is the WHITEST character, so of course he can get away with whatever the fuck he wants. After a bus driver requested that people move back to make room for about the 5th time, I said something about they never see that there’s no room (to no one in particular) which led to a civil discussion about how we like to think racism is dead but it’s really alive and well and it’s everywhere, even if it’s very subtle in some places between a taller black man and a tiny white (little boy or woman depending who is looking, you really can’t tell my age or gender) on a crowded city bus in an area where racial tension seems to be escalating among certain populations and bonds strengthened among others.

    So here I am to crash that bus, Tom. Maybe it’s just because I’m wondering if those state troopers who told me Cuomo (gosh it was another Cuomo when I was a kid maybe nothing changes) sent them here to help out during the holidays are actually here to keep an eye on the escalating police brutality / race issue and the mayor, who doesn’t support the NYPD called a “truce” FOR A FEW DAYS until those 2 officers who were murdered are laid to rest. I’ve never seen state troopers here for escalated terror threat or holidays, soldiers, yeah but not these guys. So I’m just waiting for you to say “if Frosty was black or Hispanic…” and either I didn’t see it or you didn’t write it.

    So this is fresh in my mind, Santa is white, and aren’t the magician and policeman white too? Wait, is everyone white? I haven’t had to watch that stupid show in years. But frosty is, by far, the WHITEST character without a doubt. How do I know? Because I’m laughing at myself for waiting for you to mention this while f.lux is in darkroom mode which inverts black and white and screws with the rest of the colors so they are not only inverted, but quite red and frosty is 100% BLACK!

    This got me thinking… You should do a rewrite with Frosty being black, like you did a rewrite of that other show. That had me laughing my ass off and I remember Frosty more than that other show (although I wish I didn’t lol). I would LOVE to see a Tom Nardone version of Frosty taking place in a hybrid of modern day Missouri and NYC with a black Frosty. THAT would have me rolling on the floor. I can always count on you for a laugh, I know you like attention (imagine the comments hah) and apparently you have brass balls, so I know you have the balls to do it! Plus you are awesome enough to make me laugh and that is extremely difficult right now.

  14. Liz says:

    Hahaha, Never did like Frosty, I knew that snowman was up to no good.

  15. Tony says:

    Tom… you’re stupid.

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