Bullshit 101 | with Tom Nardone Part I

Bullshit-tom-nardone-101602Good day, class, and Welcome to #Bullshit 101 Part I (BS101). I will be your instructor. We will cover a range of topics but the focus of our class will will be offense and defense; that is how to identify and protect yourself from bullshit, and of course, how to implement your own bullshit. Let’s dive right into it shall we.

Introduction to Bullshit

Most of the things we have done in our lives can only be relivedtom-nardone-101605 through telling the story. Everyplace you have been and everything you have done is today only a memory or a story. I ask you now to take a moment and think of a some bullshit, that you have been telling yourself for years. You know that there is at least one. Do not be ashamed this is a safe place. There will be no judgment. Take a moment and think about that lie. (I will wait)…

Isn’t it strange what happens after telling a lie for years and years? Either, you cannot remember if it actually happened,  or you just begin to believe that it. There is  true power within the practice of bullshitting one’s self. the possibilities are endless.

Bullshitting ourselves is a common thing we all do it and we all know exactly how to make ourselves believe things that we know are not true. There is however, an enormous gap between bullshitting yourself and bullshitting others. Bullshitting yourself is easy. You know it is bullshit and are not trying to get anything past yourself; you are simply just trying to make yourself believe something. Bullshitting others is another thing entirely. I would not have you misinformed. There are some basic things you have to understand about bullshit, before heading down this path. It is my pleasure to be your guide.

Bullshit Lives Inside of Us All

Yes, You are capable of bullshitting. Every human being has a built in ability to bullshit people. You have this ability, “Yah, You!” The first thing you need to do is believe that this ability lives within you. Before speaking, visualize your words physically flowing out of your mouth, and into the ears of the intended recipient. As you watch these words enter their ears, I want you to see their expression change to that which is your intent. See this scenario working to your advantage. This is a game, so get your game-face on. This is how the bullshit begins.

Bullshitting IS An Art.

tom-nardone-101603Do not beat yourself up. You want to start small. Practice on your kids. You are probably already doing it, and you don’t even know it. Christmas is almost upon us. As many of you tell your children the story of Santa Clause, take note of your demeanor and conviction as you do it. It is that same conviction, which you must bring to the arena, if you intend to stand victorious. Start small. Michelangelo did not begin his life by first painting the Sistine Chapel. Through his years, he honed his craft. You should consider yourself in the same light. You too, must sharpen your skills. You might need some time to develop your skills, but stay the course. Find comfort in the knowledge that the world is a blank canvas on which you shall forge your masterpiece.

Your Bullshit is Not Bullshit.

If you expect others to believe, you must first believe. You will speak decisivelytom-nardone-101604 and without fettering. If you are bullshitting about something that you have done or said, then do not speak as yourself. Speak as the person who did say, or do those things. If you did not actually see something happen, you speak as the person who was right there in the middle of it, and lived it. You will have to bullshit yourself a little bit here. Don’t worry that is familiar territory for us. This is nothing new for you.

Bullshitting Is The Exception Not The Rule

Be who you are. If you find yourself in a constant state of bullshitting everyone you know at every turn, then you should probably make a course correction and realize that you are one of those people who are just full of shit. No matter how good you are; sooner or later you will slip up and fall, and you will fall hard. Bullshitting is what you do only when it is necessary. It is not, and should dot be, a lifestyle.

Know who to Bullshit

This is not something that you do to everybody. Sure, you can bullshit your kids, they don’t know any better and sometimes it is for their own good. All parents who love their kids, care enough about them to bullshit them. We tell them about the Easter bunny, and Santa Clause, and that we live in a free country. These are things that they are better off believing as they grow-up and develop into adults. At a young age, they are in dire need of lots of bullshit. Yours is perhaps the most critical. They are your kids, so give them everything they need.

You can bullshit your boss; there is a good chance that they are an asshole anyway. It is none of their damned business, what your medical status was, yesterday when you were not at work. Help them believe you, by giving your story some thought, and care enough to be convincing.

You can bullshit your family. Maybe they are unhappy with the direction you took your life, and you just don’t want the drama this year at Christmas. Perhaps they are better off believing you are in the hospital having your colon removed rather than hearing that you have had a tough year, and you just don’t want to cap it off by listening to them break your balls about the way you are raising your kids.

All of these situations are areas where your bullshit will serve you well. It is for these circumstances and those like them, that I offer my counsel.

You should never Bullshit your spouse. That is your life partner. If you have made a commitment to them, you are to stand by it and do the honorable thing. You must be on the same page and there needn’t be any bullshit between you. If it does come to pass and you are caught; own it, apologize and move on. Do not run because you have nowhere to go.

tom-nardone-101601

Be Ever Aware of the Presence of Bullshit

Lastly, and most important, there is another rule of bullshit, and it is not a bullshit rule. You must know when you are being bullshitted. You must absolutely know this or you will DIE.

If you live in the good ole USA, than you don’t even have to watch the news, speak English or be educated to know that bullshit is our number one export to the world. We serve this entire planet with a heaping helping of some of the most rare and amazing bullshit ever conceived. I think some just take it because they want to see what kind of new and innovative bullshit we come up with next.

There are people every day swindled out of their homes, life’s savings or properties. Many of them were bullshitted. Someone said this before I did, and that is that you can’t bullshit a bullshitter. So it stands to reason that it is an important skill that should not be overlooked. Yet, sadly it is, and that… is no bullshit.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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14 Responses to Bullshit 101 | with Tom Nardone Part I

  1. This article of a load of bullshit. I mean, how many times did you write “bullshit” in your post? I call bullshit on your bullshit, Nardone.

    Bullshit.

    • Tom Nardone says:

      The root bullshit appears 63 times on the bage with a few derivatives, such as Bullshitting, bullshit, bullshitter,etc. Thanks so musch as always. Your bullshit is always welcome.

  2. xtrememom says:

    Perfect timing sir. This entire week has been complete bullshit. Perhaps it’s Bullshit Appreciation Week, because everyone seems to be absolutely FULL of it. In fact, there are several people in my life that have undoubtedly taken your advanced course. You’re obviously an excellent teacher, as they happen to be wading knee deep in the stinky stuff. In fact one of them reminds me of PigPen from Charlie Brown.

    Loved this post and that’s no bullshit.

  3. ksbeth says:

    thank you dear professor tomnardone, for your wisdom and your bullshit.

  4. Santa Claus? I am heartbroken.

    This was perfect, you instructed without cracking a smile but had me on the floor laughing aloud.

  5. Adam S says:

    Master Bullshiter checking in…

  6. When you’re contemplating spouting off bullshit, always remember the wise words of George Costanza: “It’s not a lie if you believe it.”

  7. Gray Dawster says:

    This reminds me of a jingle…

    I am not the bullshitter,
    I am theb bullshitter’s son
    and I am only bullshitting
    Until the bullshitter comes

    Actually this was brought
    to you by Bullshitters Anonymous
    as it used to be Pheasant’s.

    Anyway this is the original but
    be careful how you say it out loud
    as it could get a bit too wicked 🙂

    I am not the pheasant plucker
    I am the pheasant plucker’s son
    and I am only plucking pheasant’s
    Until the pheasant plucker comes..

    Have a great Tuesday Tom and Yvonne 🙂

    Andro

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