OH NO! There’s Nothing On Netflix! | So Let’s Make Lemonade!!!

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As some of you know, my wife and I have recently said goodbye to cable TV. This has left us with limited choices in terms of A/V entertainment. By limited, I mean Netflix. I have not been affected too severely, since the only show I watch is “Archer”. The rest of my family has needs that are not being met.

I really hate it when Yvonne says “Hey honey! Let’s watch a movie on Netflix tonight!” Don’t get me wrong. I love my wife, and I love spending time with her. However, us watching a movie on Netflix does not consist of us watching a movie on Netflix. It is something entirely different. Both of us are as ADD as Hell, and it usually goes like this.

We begin by queuing up the movies. Yvonne and I have standards for the movies we watch. There is one requirement that both of us have before it is even considered. The movie must be rated R. No PG, no PG-13, it must be rated R. If it is not rated r, then both of us know that the movie will only be a watered down version of what it could have been. We feel if the director had cared, enough about (his viewers they ) DECIDE ON THEIR OR HE. BE CONSISTENT would have included the right swear words and graphic violence that make a movie enjoyable for the whole family.

We will begin scrolling through the entire menu, from A to Z. We will stop here and there to watch a preview. This part of the process is much like the old TV program called “The Gong Show” As the preview starts we watch it intently. As the preview is rolling, if either of us sees a red flag, we say, “VETO”. That means stop the preview, and continue scrolling.

Yvonne will immediately veto a movie for the following reasons: creepy/evil children, the lighting in the movie is too dark, or movies about vampires, werewolves, zombies or Satan.

I will Veto any movie that has two people who are obviously going to fall in love. I will veto any movie that has Barbra Streisand, Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, Ben Aflac, Ben Stiller or Jason Statham. I will also under no circumstances watch any tear-jerking sports movies. Yvonne will not usually enter my man cave because according to her, it is “gross in there”; therefore, we have to watch the “together” movies in the family room where we have only a modest entertainment system. Because of this, I automatically veto any movie I think should be viewed in High-Def or in 5.1 Surround.

This usually takes about an hour, and it is not even over yet. At this point, we will get up and take our bathroom breaks, get something to drink, and maybe pop some more popcorn.

Now an hour has passed, and we have gone through every movie that Netflix has to offer, and determined that they are all shit. Then Yvonne wants to go to the documentaries. She loves them. I have only one rule about documentaries. “Is this a documentary of a rock band?” If not, veto. Then it is on to TV series.

By this time, we have spent about two and a half hours together. We have walked through the muck and the mire that Hollywood has placed before us. We have taken an extensive in-depth tour at “The Museum of Shit-Box Entertainment”. We spent two and a half hours of our lives identifying all the programs that we never want to see. I have to be honest with you; I would not trade a minute of it.

I know that some of you would feel that this process would be like being beaten over the head with a bag of oranges however, it is not. During those two hours, we laughed, talked, asked questions, made comments, talked about the good or bad movies we saw together and apart. We talk of the times in our lives when we saw the older movies with our parents. Yvonne and I interacted and communicated and did not even realize or care where the time went. When we realized what time it was, we laughed about that. I then got up, kissed her, said goodnight, and went upstairs to play with my toys.

Yvonne and I spend some good quality time together. How tragic would it have been to find a movie that we both liked?

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome

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21 Responses to OH NO! There’s Nothing On Netflix! | So Let’s Make Lemonade!!!

  1. xtrememom says:

    Heartfelt, funny and brutally honest as hell. Love this post, sir!!

  2. ksbeth says:

    i love this tomandyvonnenardone! it’s not always the main event that’s the most memorable, it’s all that surrounds it. sounds like you guys have it down, and are well-matched ) great post )

  3. hmmmm, I will have to suggest an evening of Netflix to my dearly beloved. This sounds like a wonderful way to spend a night together. We are both political animals, so we have other enjoyable times, but this Tom I must tell you, this sounds much more fun.

    • Tom Nardone says:

      Yes the Netflix Gong Show is huge. If you can’t find something to enjoy. Than enjoy finding a way sharpen your skills of contempt able movie reviews. This is what I always say.

  4. I bet your hometown is really grateful you don’t go to movie cinemas.

  5. Gray Dawster says:

    Round One… WTF is all the Vetoing, oh no what you two need is a good old wicked and wild set of treats to add to your NETFLIX experience, how do you mean what do I suggest? Well for starters we need to find a movie that fits the criteria of watching a movie together, I mean the chatting and canoodling is definitely a worthy side-track but we are not talking about it, I mean that, or even the other at this point so the both of you stop looking at each other, scratching your heads and thinking that Andro has lost his bleeding marbles 🙂 Phew…

    Okay Round Two… Now we have already established that Werewolves, Vampires, Satan and Zombie Daffy Duck characters are out of the equation, and as a rule Sandra Bullock, Barbara Streisand, Ben Stiller and Brad Shit, I mean Pitt are off the menu too 🙂 So what do we have left? Well we can still watch a documentary as those are fun, especially while the kettle is boiling and sandwiches are being prepared, Tom that is your chance for a quick exit (you still have to make the sarnies in your absence though so maybe the documentary idea could be flawed? :() but afterwards it has to be a movie with an ‘R’ or perhaps even an ‘X’ in it to be appreciated.

    Round Three… By this time you will have chosen the perfect movie and are now busy cuddling and… well cuddling anyway, the popcorn is at your side and there is a generous supply of alternative goodies to be enjoyed. Yvonne, don’t be put off by the title of ‘Moby Dick’ it isn’t a porno by any means, and the whale is not harmed either, it is just trick photography 🙂 Oh and Tom the ‘B’ movie has a Sandra Bullock lookalike but she has smaller boobs, so apart from the goofy expression that resembles SB it is not her so calm down and eat some more of those pancakes, the ones next to the Werewolf and Zombie looking Brad 🙂 Anyway just sit back and watch the film, Gregory Peck plays a blinder in this movie and the harpooning skills are second to none but I don’t want to spoil it for you so hard lines, no more hints 🙂 lmao

    Oh and another thing, have you heard of that APP called FilmFon Television, if you can get that one then the TV programmes are all free to watch and they come from all corners of the world, there are even some from the UK so you have been warned 😉 lol

    Have a lovely evening you two and be good,
    before, during and after the movie, or else? 😉 lmao

    Andro

  6. Tom Nardone says:

    Andro, you have spared no expense in this fine comment.You never cease to amaze me. This comment however, was over the top. This was practically a blog post. maybe I should start a new blog series called “Comments From the Dungeon” Staring Andro.

    Thank you my friend I hope my stories entertain you as much as your comments entertain me.

    • Gray Dawster says:

      You Sir are a star amongst the blogging community, I am just amazed that your following isn’t triple the audience that are already following you 🙂 Your authentic approach to blogging is both refreshing and highly entertaining and I always enjoy calling into your world, which is full of realism, something that not many other blogs have around here.

      Indeed your Space has everything that a reader could ever want, and you are a true gentleman Tom, that is obvious from everything that you say here 🙂 It is an honour to call you my friend…

      Andro

  7. bossymoksie says:

    Aww…that actually does sound like fun! I will have to try that.

  8. CubicleViews says:

    I hate searching for movies to watch. I need a personal “find me movies to watch” assistant.
    I’d likely end up firing them within the month though.

  9. TIA says:

    We can never agree on a movie either…especially if the kids are thrown in the voting. We pay for all these extra channels, and watch none of them. It’s infuriating! I need your sweet outlook on movie selecting….my attitude is horrible!

  10. Gray Dawster says:

    Have a great rest of evening Tom,
    are you having a vacation as I have
    not seen you posting much lately…

    Andro

    • Tom Nardone says:

      ANDRO!!!!

      I have spent the last month gathering notes and making outlines, conducting interviews. I took a week and a half off of my job. I locked myself in my man cave and 6 days later, I wrote my first book.

      As you know I love to toot my own horn, but nevertheless, I have to tell you that I have totally even impressed myself. I look forward to giving everyone further updates. I am very proud Andro

      • Gray Dawster says:

        This is brilliant news Tom 🙂 Never worry about blowing your own trumpet as your style of blogging is unique and there is always something outstanding to read, I mean with blogging you have the opportunity to thrill many followers, but with a manuscript the world is at your feet 🙂

        I wish you lots of luck in your quest, of course being an author has many twists and turns but it is the taking part that is the most important, oh yes that and making lots of cash 🙂 I nearly forgot about that 🙂 lmao

        Have a most wicked rest of evening Tom
        and keep adding to your awesome originality 🙂 🙂

        Andro

  11. Either national geographic or a haunting – what an interesting guy!

    I don’t have Netflix, I go to the local video store. But I loved reading how you and your wife decide, work it all out 🙂 Alas alas I’ve no-one to consult, I’m single. How sweet you two are though!

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