Calling In Sick |Do You Have What it Takes to Play at This Level?

by Tom Nardone

by Tom Nardone

In America, most of us have the burden of a job, where we work five days a week. We typically work an 8-hour day. Sometimes the life we live does not synchronize with our work schedule. We have to make a decision at this point. We must decide what is more important. Do we just accept that we must work, or risk calling in sick.

We find ourselves calling in sick for many circumstances. I am not here to judge or to tell you it is wrong. You know your job. You know its demands. You know whether they can go a day without you. I would like to go on the record as saying calling in sick by lying about family members dying; this makes you an asshole. Don’t do it. I will be ashamed of you.

My purpose is to help you avoid some rookie mistakes while you are trying to sell this lie.

Calling-in -sick

 

Calling In Sick | You Have Got to Sell It!


Over-explaining
– Only the guilty explain everything. They will constantly go on, on, and on, about what happened, and why they were unable to get to work. They do this because they are concerned that the lie they chose, was not good enough. They will jump too quickly at the chance to make sure that their story was believed. When a person is telling the truth, they just don’t care if there story is believed. They don’t even consider the fact that anyone might think they are lying.

Saying that you are strandedDO NOT EVER do this unless it you are stranded. You never know if your supervisor will be worried enough about you or need you bad enough to come and pick you up or to send someone after you. There will be no way out of this. You Are Screwed! Because you are home, so where are you going to tell them to come get you?

Altering your voice – If you are going to alter your voice then make sure that whatever your voice is being alter for makes sense. If you have a back injury you do not have to pretend your back is, actually giving you pain at that exact moment you are calling. If you are saying that you have the flu or a clod, you do not have to cough into the phone while you are talking. If you have laryngitis, then you will obviously alter your voice

Your spouse is sick – You…Are…An…Idiot. If that is the best, you got then you just don’t have the brains to play at this level. Go to work. You Sir or Ma’am are lucky to have this job

You Don’t have a ride to work –This is also a shitty reason for call in because they can always offer you a ride to work. If you use this and they do offer you the ride, thank them, and take it. Cut your losses and enjoy a free ride to work. If you magically discover an alternate way to work on your own, then they will know you were lying to them. This is lose lose. Your boss will think you are a dirt-bag, and you still had to work.

Other blunders

  • If you are calling in sick saying that, you have some terrible illness, then don’t come in the next day laughing joking around. You started a story so don’t forget that you are a character in this story, and characters must stay in character.
  • I would not feel the need to mention this but I have seen it happen. Do not find yourself calling in sick on a Friday, and then go in to pick up your paycheck that same day. (Yes, I have seen this)
  • Also, do not say you are on the toilet, and are having troubles there. This is a very popular story and you will not be believed. If it happens, you are in truth on the toilet and unable to get off, you should just make up a lie. Others before you have rendered your problem unbelievable.
  • calling in sick and then going to the lake. If you do then the jig will be up when they see the sunburn on your face. Nobody is sunburned while they were home sick. (I knew a clown that did this)

OK these are the most common rookie mistakes. You don’t want to find yourself in any of these scenarios. I hope those of you who this applies too will really study these items. It might save your job.

Now it is time to talk about how the pros do it. This is the calling in sick encyclopedia of awesomeness. This is doing it Tom Nardone style. My focus was going to be just identifying the mistakes that people make when calling in sick

I would like to state for the record that I never had found myself fictitiously calling in sick to my current job

Doctors note

When calling in sick, weather you are sick or not, go to the doctor. Go to “Doctors Care” or whatever half-assed doctor’s office is near you that day or the day before and just get a stupid doctors note. It will cost you nothing more than 15 to 25 dollar co-pay. The Doctor’s note is irrefutable. Your supervisor sees this and says, “OK here is a Doctor’s note that reads Sherry Walker is advised not to work as she is having blah blah female problems. She should spend the rest of the day sewing”. Case closed, and more importantly, “Ass Covered” This is a winner. Be credible and be believable.

If you say you twisted your ankle, do not go to the Doctor. I don’t advise you ever use this one. This excuse is only for the truly committed. However, assuming you are hell-bent on being believed, and you do use the twisted your ankle story, pay attention. You have to accept that you will probably not be believed when you call. That is why this story has a second act. In act two, you go back to work, the next day, but you go back with an ace bandage wrapped around your foot and ankle. I would even recommend some crutches to really seal the deal. This will not only serve as a fine visual aide for all nonbelievers, It will also serve as a reminder for you not to forget what leg you are supposed to be limping on. Well now that you are in costume, it is time for the show to begin. You should get into this frame of mind before you even exit your car.

To Hell with a doctor’s note, your performance will trump any note from a thousand doctors. Your footsteps will reverberate as all the doubters feel your thunder. You shall mount up and ride through the front door upon your steed, even with crutch in hand. The horse upon which you ride will have many names: such as courage, liberty, credibility, and above all believability. As you charge in through the front door, they will see you in your glory and will never again doubt a word that echoes from your lips. You will blow past them all with a mighty and victorious fury. They shall tremble in the wake of your awesomeness. You will be as a hero, for you worried not, about anything but yourself, and for yourself you accepted nothing less than victory. You shall finish out the day and depart just as you arrived…..The Victor.

Calling in sick can get you fired. When you do it, you have two things to bear in mind. One, is that you probably need this job to support your family, and two is that you should not put your boss in a position to have to fire you. You are not lying just for yourself. You are lying for the benefit and well being of everybody involved.

This is no time for you to be selfish. There is a lot riding on your story so don’t just think of yourself. You need to have a great story so that you can have a nice carefree day not carrying the burden of fear that you could lose your job. This will ruin your day. Your boss might be a decent person. Give him or her, the satisfaction of knowing that it was only under the most extreme of circumstances that you even considered, not coming to work. Do not force him or her to make the hard choice, just because you were too lazy to properly prepare yourself to tell them what they needed to hear. Help them to feel good in your absence, as you did in theirs.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome

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IT WILL FEEL GREAT!!!

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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39 Responses to Calling In Sick |Do You Have What it Takes to Play at This Level?

  1. Sandra Cardoza says:

    You forgot about the selfless call-in excuses, the ones that will have your boss begging you to stay at home. Claiming to have pink eye, head lice, or any other form of highly contagious illness…..especially when accompanied by a “…..but I have to come in! I don’t want to have my work piling up while I can’t be there!”. That could even get you a bit of assistance while you’re hanging around at home watching pay-per-view. Try telling your boss that you have a festering boil that looks suspiciously like Mersa (the ol’ flesh eating bacteria) will likely rate you a “noooooo………..you stay at home! We’ll try and get by without you for the next week….two, if you need it!”. In fact, I’ve never tried it but I bet if you claimed there had been a zombie apocalypse in your neighborhood, your boss would understand if you wanted to stay home and board up a few windows!

  2. TIA says:

    LOL! People really are idiots aren’t they!!! M y mom is the supervisor of her unit at the hospital and was on call on Memorial Day! A lady called in for a sunburn from, being on the boat all day, causing my mom to have to go in with a sunburn, from being on the boat all day:)

  3. Sandra Cardoza says:

    Who said the zombies are on “Call of Duty”??

  4. ksbeth says:

    i like to call in with a fake ‘urinary tract infection.’ you don’t appear sick if you do actually have it, and no one wants to ask about it. just kind of walk around slowly the next day, make frequent bathroom visits, and drink tons of water and cranberry juice. tell them you are on the super pack antibiotics if they ask, you take them once day in the am. case closed!

  5. You are truly a wonder. Rookie call in excuses, love them. Having managed international teams some of my favorites have always had to do with eating or drinking local foods / water and having intistinal creepy crawlies. I always ask for doctor validation, my teams are always peeved at me for this.

    In costume Tom? I once had an idiot in costume, with ace bandage and crutches who forgot which foot they were supposed to limp on.

    People are so stupid. You however are truly awesome.

    • Tom Nardone says:

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHA i love that you love this. My wife’s help was instrumental in my writing this. She was an assistant Mgr at the Home Depot, and she had some great stuff.

      The hole point of the ace bandage was to not forget what foot to limp on. Wow he came so close to the finish line, and then he stepped on his own sack.

  6. Hahahah…I can honestly say that I have never called in sick unless I was…well with the job I have now…I just basically suck at lying, so it would never work out anyway.

  7. Great post as always.

    It gets very complicated down here in Africa. Everyone is a brother, uncle, granny, cousin, aunt, mother, father ….. so when an employee doesn’t come in (for up to a week or two) because one of the above has died or is desperately ill for the 2nd, 3rd or 4th time you can’t say they are lying. Life is interesting.

  8. lesliewolman says:

    Tom, great advice on how to be true to yourself. I remember when I was a teacher in public school, the teachers were NOT allowed to take off for our sick children. It was a horrible position to have to lie in order to take care of a sick child. It seemed to me that taking off to take care of a sick baby was reasonable. But as we know since when have public schools been reasonable. The policy since has changed but the expectation remains that teachers should sacrifice family for the work.

  9. portholio says:

    So disappointed to hear that diahrhea is no longer an option!

  10. I have a couple more.
    1) If you call in sick frequently, don’t always do it on a Monday or Friday to extend the weekend. Throw in a few mid-week illnesses to throw them off your scent.
    2) If you do bring crutches or a cain in the following day, don’t accidentally leave them there when you go home.
    🙂

  11. Pingback: VERSATILE??: Ramblings from my second award! | LIFE: everyone has one!

  12. bossymoksie says:

    Ha ha! I just call and say, I’m sick. Click. Short and simple. But when I’m actually sick I still go to work because I hate being home when I’m actually sick. No one has caught on…

  13. CubicleViews says:

    We don’t get sick days. We have PTO that must be used. Also, most of the time they’ll just expect us to “work from home” while sick. For example:
    OH that sucks you have the flu. Why don’t you just work from home today. Oh and get better fast.
    A-holes.

  14. HA HA HA Brilliant…
    With a hint of serious 😀

  15. Dr. Rex says:

    This is excellent!! I can recall using almost all the excuses you listed. Lucky for me now … now more worries. I’m retired!! Yay for me …. Love the pic with the crutch. Awesome touch!
    This is a great piece …. for getting to know you!!
    Reblog!!!

  16. Dr. Rex says:

    Reblogged this on It Is What It Is and commented:
    This is a must-read for those still in the working class!!

  17. holley4734 says:

    Genius!! 🙂 Very funny also!

  18. I certainly hope this post will be printed out and handed out as a memo to employees across the country.

  19. Gray Dawster says:

    I am just breezing in before midnight to wish both You Tom and Yvonne a superb start to 2014 with lashings of exciting moments, lots of great health, and lashings of naughty wickedness throughout the year 😉 May as well start early Tom, wink, wink say no more 😉

    Yvonne that is your cue for an early night, I know that Tom won’t argue with you about that idea, hey I am being cheeky I know but it’s the last chance I will get in 2013 so have fun you two, oh yes lots of wicked fun 🙂 lol

    HAPPY NEW YEAR 2014 YOU TWO 🙂 😉

    Andro

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