Bees, Spiders, Snakes, and Bugs: I Quit, You Can Have the Damn Yard You Bastards.

BeeYard work is a bitch. I really don’t understand why people care so much about their yard. There is nothing about yard work that I find fun, interesting or rewarding. As it happens I have a very nice yard. My wife works hard and has worked hard to make it so. Yes, yes I help her. I have sent my step-son out there many times to cut the grass or clean up, or do the things that his mother might need help with, after all I am a man.

Here are the problems I have with yard work. The sun is out, beatingYard work the hell out of the earth and everything on it. It is 98 degrees, suffocating humidity, and as miserable as a dental appointment. Also, the bees (which I consider to be tantamount to a flying hypodermic needle), and the mosquitoes and all the other bugs are out there flying around scaring the shit out of me laughing as they do it; knowing that at any moment they can sting me and cause me to go running into the house like a little girl.

Whenever there are flying insects, well, here come the spiders and the birds. You never know where the spiders are. You have to watch and inspect anywhere that you might want to put your hand. I know people say the birds are good because they eat the insects. Two things on that; one, they don’t eat nearly enough of them, and two when they are finished they just shit them all over my fence. I am supposed to go outside and clean my own fence that the birds shit all over, as if I work at the fucking zoo.

BeeOn a more personal note, I have a deathly fear of snakes. I don’t often see them but I believe, and know that they are out there. I don’t know which ones are safe or which ones are dangerous, so I err on the side of safety and treat them all as poisonous. People tell me that black snakes are good because they eat poisonous snakes. Is that supposed to make me feel better? I am not Steve Irwin. I don’t have the ability to identify snakes. If one comes near me, I scream, run inside, and then take a shower and throw my pants in the garbage can after wrapping them in a plastic bag.

Bee

Yard work poses a threat to my safety. I don’t even enter my backyard without doing a thorough search for nature’s predators. I literally crouch down and slowly walk as if I were sneaking up on someone. Getting bitten by a snake, or a spider is too great a cost for having a nice yard. The coolest thing we ever did to our yard was when we had 25×25 foot concrete slab poured in the backyard. That is a guaranteed 625 square feet of maintenance free real estate. It is the part of my yard I am most proud of. It is the only part of my backyard that I feel safe on.

If you think about it, people spend relatively little time in their yard. I mean besides the time spent doing yard work. Most of the time, people are indoors. They don’t even see their yard that much.

My wife told me one time as I was leaving to got to work, “Hey Tom I am ordering ten yards of mulch today, It will be on the driveway when you get home. Can you help me get it to the backyard?” I said of “course dear.” I did not know what ten yards of mulch was I figured I would help her for an hour or so and then just start my weekend off. When I got home that afternoon, I could not believe what I saw when I pulled into the driveway. I parked my car next to this steaming pile of disappointments, and got out to have a closer look. I remember thinking “Why does my wife hate me this much?” Yvonne usually gets this much mulch every year, and she refers to it as “Mulch Madness”.

mulch_pile

Big Giant Pile of Disappointment

I will however say that I do understand the idea of a vegetable garden. I just think that it is not worth it. I realize that there is some satisfaction in knowing that you grew something and now it is on your dinner table. I also know that it is a lot of work having a garden. I just don’t think I could take the disappointment of working that hard knowing that I had worked my ass off in the heat, and at great personal risk, only to have the very work that I have done, sustain life to those little bastards.

Most people take a more offensive approach to yard work. I see them every day spraying for bugs or treating their yard. They declare war on the bugs and pests of the outdoors. I don’t have the energy to declare war on them. I just simply pull out my white flag of apathy and proudly wave it as I give up. I would just surrender my whole yard to them. To me, that is the only way to win. Besides even if I killed all the bugs, and all the weeds, and my yard just looked so good that it could be featured in magazines all over the country, there is still the core problem that would prevent me from working in my yard. I just don’t give a shit!

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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23 Responses to Bees, Spiders, Snakes, and Bugs: I Quit, You Can Have the Damn Yard You Bastards.

  1. lesliewolman says:

    Tom, awesome blog. I like working in gardens for therapeutic purposes; it occupies my omnipresent brain. Howver, I fully recognize that Mother Nature is the one in control and laughs at every attempt I take to control her. As soon as I stop gardening, Mother Nature takes over the garden and consumes it. We do it for whatever reason, but we are not in charge.

  2. ksbeth says:

    I like to play in the dirt.

  3. That was a vulnerable piece of literature. I especially enjoyed the treatment of your pants after you might have seen a snake. Don’t take any chances!

  4. Hahahah…..the picture in my head of you running screaming from a snake will keep me amused for most of the day 🙂 Have a great Sunday, hopefully you are nearly done with that humongous pile of mulch 🙂

    • Tom Nardone says:

      Thanks princess. I currently have no yards in my future as of now. I have refused to go into the backyard until the fall.

      I am glad you were amused and will continue to be so throughout your day.

  5. I will likely be lowered in your esteem by the following statement: I love snakes. I use to keep them as pets. I don’t like the ones that bite, oh well they all can bite, so let me change that. I don’t like the posoinous ones, but then for the most part I know which ones they are; but I love snakes they are very cool.

    As to yard work? I am with you on this one. This is why I pay someone to do it all. Dearly Beloved loves my ass more for my consideration.

  6. Jade Reyner says:

    Ha ha – funny as ever. Do you get wasps over there? They have no function on earth whatsoever other than to sting you (which flamin’ hurts) and be seriously annoying. I love the way you American’s call it a ‘yard’ – over here it’s a garden, a yard is more of a place in an industrial area where vehicles would be parked and worked on – or it’s a unit of measurement!! 🙂

  7. Jodi Aman says:

    Ilaughed out loud at the steamig pile of disappointments! I followed you here from Totsy’s blog. I can always use a good laugh!

    • Tom Nardone says:

      Welcome aboard Jodi. I am so glad had a good time. That was one of my favorite metaphors. you are the second person to comment on one of these. My current favorite was in an post a few months ago where i talked about the awfulness of eating out, and i reffered to a restaurant as Hell’s museum of disappointments. Thank you so much for the kind words Jodi. I still love hearing them.

    • Tom Nardone says:

      Sorry, but Who is totsy?

  8. Gray Dawster says:

    An awesome dissection on the hates and dislikes of yards, predators and bird crap 🙂 Tom you have outdone yourself on this one, indeed my sides are splitting with laughter my fine and wicked friend, your jovial creativity and blend of the wicked far outreaches my Zombies stinky fingernails, and that is definitely a good point 🙂

    I am now imagining you sneaking around your yard in full camouflage, peering out from your thermonuclear bees, wasps, hornets and snake suit helmet, a catapult with the words ‘Insect Zapper’ firmly clutched in your eager hands, waiting for the precise moment in which to fire your ammo. Those critters don’t stand a chance with you around but do watch out for the killer frogs, machete wielding mosquitos and the shit dropping birds of prey as they will often join forces during yard inspections:(

    I just hope that you can hold your nerve, more so your bowels as those suits take about one hour and thirty minutes to remove in this hot and humid climate and by that time the stench will have definitely reached your nostrils, and in a very bad way if you take my meaning? 🙁

    The motto of this tale is not to stalk the birds unless you have a
    big enough weapon 😉 Or is that for the streaking scientist type?
    I forget now… lmao

    Thank you for a brilliant read Tom, as always your blog rocks 🙂

    Andro

    • Tom Nardone says:

      Andro

      If there were medals given out for awesome, feel good, motivating, creative comments, You would get the gold, and then the judge would look at number 2 and 3 and say “Fuck you! i am giving Andro silver and bronze as well”

      Thank you sir you honor me

  9. Gray Dawster says:

    You Sir are too kind but thank you for your kindness, I am just pleased that I am allowed to add my ridiculousness in the form of commenting on your great site, and furthermore I will say this my wickedly fine friend, your website is one of my favourite haunts, and guess what? I will be back for even more of your excellence when I return for good, at the moment I am still editing and writing away like the Mad Hatter on weed but I have made some excellent progress on my manuscript so I am really happy about that 🙂

    Of course as a result of my time off I am hopelessly behind with everyone now but I will try catching up during the first week of August as that is when I am officially back in our blogosphere 🙂 🙂

    Have a Superb Friday Tom 🙂

    Andro

  10. FAN-Freaking-Tastic.
    Loved this post. Hate those little bastards!

  11. ksbeth says:

    where r u tomnardone? i feel jilted

  12. I’m with you on the yardwork thing. I’d rather wash dishes and clean toilets than do yardwork. Seriously.

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