THE ULTIMATE HOME IMPROVEMENT

Tom Nardone

by Tom Nardone

Your first house; most of us remember the day we saw it. They day we sat in the lawyer’s office closing. We remember the day we first arrived, and for the first time pulled into our own driveway. This was what we worked for. It was another one of life’s milestones that we that we had reached. We thought about how beautiful we would make it. We looked past every imperfection, seeing them only as opportunities to make it better. We were so, careful as we moved in. “Don’t scuff the walls” or “Oh that goes here” we got everything just perfect, but shortly after the magic, we met the true identity of our home.

He was a monster and he required much of us. We were now his slaves for as long as we would own this prison.. This house that seduced us, and lured us in, with the hope of freedom, to live in a home of our own, was actually preparing our limbs to wear the shackles of life’s most concentrated, and pure forms of bullshit; “Home Ownership”.

YOUR HOUSE IS YOUR MASTER

Home improvements and repairs can make you feel you don’t own the house. The house owns you. You may not understand this yet, if you are in a new home owner, but you will. Yes! That house owns your ass, and it will eventually feel the need to establish its’ dominance over you. It will treat you like a nineteen dollar used blow up doll bought at a garage sale. Oh yes, you will feel its sting.

Your house is in cahoots with the government, the banks, the contractors, the insurance companies, and the police.

Your House is your master, and your master is at all times required to feel good. There is no negotiating this. Your master hates you, and the more you try to love it the more it will reveal its’ hatred for you. You decide one day, you want to install a new toilet. That is typical behavior for a good and obedient slave. Your intentions are good but when you begin to remove the toilet you realize that there was a leak where the toilet once was. So being a good sport you pull up the flooring only to discover that the sub-floor is rotting. You look up to the ceiling and your master says

“HA  HA  HA  that’s right slave. Make me new again. You will rue this day that ever tried to make your life more comfortable HA  HA  HA ”

You tried to serve you master, and he rewarded you by drilling you right in your fucking ass. The hardest thing to digest is the feeling that you walked in there and bent over for it.

Perhaps your master is bored one day and decides that it would like a brand new drainage system. Without warning

The Home Depot

your houses just clinches and backs up your plumbing. Or maybe it just busts the pipes and takes a shit in your crawl space.  It knows you know nothing of how to address this problem. So you drive to the local Home Depot, and hopefully talk with a kick-ass human being who knows his shit. Tom Nardone will explain to you exactly what you need, and what to do. Well your house is not worried because it knows that you will be working in the crawl space.

Your master uses the crawl space to indiscriminately allow all the fucking hooligans of nature to bed down, and have sex and multiply at will. Your crawl space is in fact your homes anus, and it welcomes your attention there like the lonely sadist deviate that it is. You may in fact get this problem fixed but you will not relax for a moment. The fear of snakes, and spiders alone drain you of any enthusiasm you might have bullshitted yourself into having. You will take the smell with you into your home. It is lose lose.

Or maybe one day when you get home from working third shift, and go home to bed, you will wake up two hours later sweating your ass off.  You get up to adjust the AC, only to discover that is 85º. Your master just said

“ah ah ah get your ass out of bed, and fix my cooling system.”

You will just do it. Your house is well aware you will not be able to put up with the heat. Your day is now spent on the phone, in the attic, or outside. Even if you know how to fix it, your house has a deal with the AC people and the government where you cannot by the Freon or the parts for this unit without a license. That’s right drilled in the ass again.

YOU WILL FINANCE YOUR DISAPPOINTMENTS

Well ok you have been busy. You have worked hard and now it is all done. Your house has caused you to make so many improvements, that you are now happy again. You might even remark to your spouse upon their completion and say “Gosh honey, look at our wonderful home that we have built”; followed by a warm hug, and a smile.

All of a sudden the doorbell rings. You walk to the door thinking “who could that be?” You open the door and it is the tax assessor. It seems while you were improving your home the real estate market was kicking ass. You were making your home and your yard look amazing and now the value of your home has gone up. Yes all the money you spent has actually resulted in you paying more money for your home in taxes. I wish I could tell you that it ends there but it doesn’t. You now need more insurance and of course those rates have gone up too. Your home sensed your happiness, and therefore had to intercede.

Weeks later the dishwasher leaks into the house and destroys your hardwood floors. This time it is three thousand dollars damage. Well shit! You don’t have that much, so you decide to use your homeowners insurance that you have been paying on for years.

They come out and inspect and two days later, they inform you that you did not elect for the water damage add-on that nobody mentioned. Sorry, but you are not covered so they are not giving you shit. However, just for making a claim that they didn’t even pay, they are well within their rights to raise your rates, They do this because now they know you consider your policy as a means to actually protect yourself. Your master is a student of the game.

If you own something then, you are responsible for it. I think we all know that the secret to happiness in life is less responsibility.

If you do own a home, hopefully your master has not rendered you helpless with no escape. If your master has crippled you to a point that you have no viable options, then there is but one path to freedom.

Currently I would love to not be tied to my house. If I were somehow certain that no one would ever find out about it, I would only then take the following actions.

I would gather up all the pictures, computers, TV ’s, and clothes, and take them to a friend’s house far away.

Then I would come back one quiet Sunday evening while the family was away on a vacation. I would climb up on the roof and cut a hole in it. As I was taking a leak into the hole I would shout down to my master, and say:

tomfire “Well…. who is laughing now you son of a bitch? I have called you master for the last time. Do you see what I am holding in my other hand? This is the last thing I will ever give you for the rest of your soon to be over reign of terror. This is a Molotov Cocktail, and I will be serving you shortly. After you are burnt to the ground;I will come home, act surprised, and maybe even try to shed a tear for the nice firemen and policemen who will have failed to save you. I will cash the check that those motherfuckers at Nationwide denied me, and after you are reduced to nothing but ashes. I am coming back and I am going to burn your fucking ashes. I will have two hundred thousand dollars in my pocket and I will own the land where you once stood. The only thing it will cost me, is your life. I am going to curse the smoke that rises from your burning corpes, and if I see anybody here trying to buy parts for salvage I will destroy them right in front of their eyes. I will make damn sure they burn and find you in Hell. YOU HAVE DRILLED YOUR LAST ASS! HA   HA  HA  HA  HHA HH AHAHA!!!”

Since I lack the sack to go through with this all I can hope for is that some asshole that really hates me will go to my house and provide this service.

I have discussed this with several people in a less theatrical setting and I was surprised at the number of people who would enjoy watching their house burn.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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IT WILL FEEL GREAT!!!

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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26 Responses to THE ULTIMATE HOME IMPROVEMENT

  1. CubicleViews says:

    This is just…absofuckingtabulous. That’s all I’ve got.

    • Thank you CV. I love that word.

      • CubicleViews says:

        It’s a great word. And it’s all mine. I won’t rest until Webster’s recognizes it. (Dictionary, not the little African American TV guy although that would be cool too). Feel free to use it but remember where you read it first.

        • You will know when i use it. I would sooner stick a fish hook up my ass than claim such a word. there arent many swear words left that hit hard enough these days. Holloywood has dumbed them down.

          You sir are one of the few that is doing something about that, and perhaps some day when samuel L jackson is in a movie and he says “give me my wallett it’s the one that says ABSOFUCKINGTAULOUS” you will finally get the recognition that you deserve.

  2. This. Is. All. TRUE!!!!!!! I personally now believe home ownership is highly overated.

  3. Gray Dawster says:

    Great read Tom but what happened
    to the Randall Kennedy posting? 🙁 🙁

    I guess some assholes just need a
    good telling off sometimes before the
    reality of Tom Nardone kicks in 🙂

    Keep up the wicked
    and wonderful blogging Tom
    I can’t wait to see what you
    write about next time 🙂

    Andro

    • Andro. that whole thing just got out of hand.

      • Gray Dawster says:

        Yes it usually does my friend; I was tempted to add a flaming myself being that your blog is one of the finest around our WordPress 🙂

        I know that I am new to your Space but I can immediately see the uniqueness that you command and that is something that not a lot of users will achieve in a lifetime of blogging. Unfortunately Flamers and Spammers often drop into peeps blogs and add something negative, I guess we can either moderate it, delete it or question it but there is always feedback when a friend is flamed, in this case you have had some strong support, which is nice but in the same token adds a negativity to one’s Space, I know this as I have been there several times in the past, not in WordPress but it is all of the same pessimistic BS 🙁

        Have a great rest of day Tom 🙂

        Andro

  4. Dave and I were at our happiest when we built a trailer for our “office” and lived in a tent for a few months. Not weighed down by possessions you realise how little you need. Now back in a real home I feel overwhelmed again. Stuff creeps back and there is always something needing attention.

  5. Jade Reyner says:

    Hilarious. You have a way of thinking about things which is seriously warped… but nonetheless hysterical. Another fab read. 🙂

  6. tanstaafl28 says:

    Moved into my first house on 9/9/01. Did not even have cable when the towers were hit two days later. Still there, but the neighborhood is slowly going to hell. A mini-tornado passed through the other day (in North Las Vegas of all places). Bent a street sign 90 degrees, uprooted a few trees…it was funky.

  7. I am glad at least you were unscathed. What about the houses in Vegas. Did they survive?

  8. ksbeth says:

    I believe that my house’s purpose in life is to remind me of its dominance. Last ‘water fiasco’ I had, the emergency plumber guy came over. When he asked where my crawlspace was I replied, ‘only a circus dwarf could fit in there!, right before he easily slid down in there to deliver my expensive estimate to take care the issue. You are right on with this one tomnardone )

    • Tom Nardone says:

      Hey Beth. Thanks so much. I would not initiate such a choice. I would not mind coming home to find it burnt to the ground.

      • ksbeth says:

        I totally understand. and wonder if you are at least intrigued by the thought of a large plumber squeezing himself circus style into a small crawlspace opening? It takes a certain kind of man – now I am imagining a pack of hobos living down there with all the funk.

  9. Pingback: The Bodily Function Police | I AM TOM NARDONE

  10. ‘nineteen dollar used blow up doll bought at a garage sale.’
    That is the best line ever, I laughed so hard I spit coffee on my monitor screen.

    I will tell you a secret, since my third house I have carried warrantee insurance on my houses. This little slice of heaven covers most of the mechanicals, including damage they might do if they leak. It is a supplement to my homeowners insurance. I am getting ready to change carriers this year but I will tell you, more than once it has been a life saver in terms of cost (replacing air conditioners, toliets and covering very expensive service calls). Though somewhat costly it pays for itself the first time something big goes out.

    You are so right though Tom, our homes own us just as you say.

    • Tom Nardone says:

      Hey Val,
      Glad you liked the blow up doll mention. I have just had enough with owning this thing is all. My wife doesnt give me too hard a time about maintaining it. I just hate hearing that something is wrong and then i have to put on the little contractors hat.

  11. bossymoksie says:

    Just. Brilliant. I’ve mainly lived in apartments but when I stayed at other people’s houses I thought it was WAY too much work they had to do for it. Plus people keep coming to your door asking for money (sales people, kids, car dent guys, lawn mower guys) because they think you have all this money I guess!
    You don’t have to worry about most of that in apartments!

  12. Incredible. You just described the last house I owned (or rather owned me) six years ago. I can’t lie and say I don’t sometimes miss it and the good times I had in it, but the last couple years it nearly bled our souls dry to the point we declared bankruptcy and just walked away from it, letting it become the bank’s (and the tax assessor’s) problem.

  13. Ali says:

    Oh we have been in that boat many times, Glad I married a fix it man. I will have to share this with cliff

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