Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Strikes Back!!

 Rudolph

Rudolph-red-nose-reindeer-2

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is probably one of the most famous Christmas stories in the world. I find that sad. I cannot for the life of me, understand what it is about this story that any parent would like their child to learn.Christmas stories like that typically have an underlying message that teach kids some life lesson or help them to understand things about the world. Rudolph is no exception to that rule. It’s just the wrong lesson. Let me explain.

For those of you who have not heard the story. A beautiful reindeer is born, but he is a little different. He is not like the other reindeer. He Rudolph-red-nose-reindeer-1had a shiny red nose that glows. It, through most of the story, causes him nothing but grief and bullshit; much like anybody who, God Forbid, is different than others and the world just can’t seem to grasp this.  With the exception of Rudolph’s mother, the entire town was on his ass for something he could not help, and something he could not change. He wasn’t like everyone else, so all the other asshole reindeer decide that they don’t like Rudolph because of this shiny red nose.

They laughed at him and they called him names. Rudolph’s father even covers his nose with a fake black one so that Santa Clause will find him acceptable. Yes, Santa. There is a scene where Santa, wobbles his jolly fat ass right into the shop where Rudolph’s dad was putting the finishing touches on his new black nose. Rudolph’s dad informs him that he has the nose problems well under control. He explains to Santa that it won’t be a problem, and that is son won’t embarrass him.

Rudolph had no friends, no family, and no support system. He for no reason was made to feel bad about himself. His own father and that White bearded, bag-toting, ho ho ho shouting, sack of shit who is loved across the globe, could not see the beauty in what was different about this gentle meek child reindeer.

Sometime later, a storm came in. It was a storm that could have halted Christmas. Santa was very concerned. (so he claimed) He was worried that all the poor little children in the world would have to go without the toys that his slave colony of elves has been working on all year. Yes, he was screwed. Santa did not have a clue, and he did not have a plan. he stood outside and watched the storm roll in with nothing, but his dick in his hand.

Then all of a sudden, Santa remembers Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. He thinks to himself “Yeah Rudolph! That is the reindeer whose balls I have been busting all year. He is the one that has no friends and whose life I have been ruining for the glorification of my ego.”

So now that Santa’s plans are shit side up, he thinks of Rudolph. Santa realizes that Rudolph’s shiny red nose can be of service to him and to the rest of the bastards who ostracized him and shut him out. Their lives can now be easier with Rudolph’s nose.

So Santa, and Rudolph’s father, and all the other Shit-bag reindeer went to Rudolph, humble for the first time. Santa looking at the ground says “Hey Rudolph, as you know there is a storm coming and we are all really up shit creek here. Would you mind using your nose so that we can all see where in the Hell we are going tonight?”


OK, Now here comes the Bullshit.


Rudolph proudly agrees, to escort these son’s of bitches. He just tucked his tail and bailed these assholes out. This basically the story of Rudolph.

I would like to apologize on behalf of Director: Larry Roemer, and Writers: Robert May, Romeo Muller. Literarily speaking they have corn-holed us all. All these years you have had to know the story as it is and it is all because of these three assholes

Well your pain ends today. I, Tom Nardone, and I would like to present a more proper ending to this story. I now present the Tom Nardone ending.

“Hey Rudolph, as you know there is a storm coming and we are all really up shit creek here. Would you mind using your nose so that we can all see where in the Hell we are going tonight?” Rudolph agrees. (Now stay with me) So on the night they leave, the reindeer get harnessed up, and they all take to the air from the North Pole. Santa is relieved; he could not believe that his gelatinous ass was finally airborne, and everything would work out okay, or so it seemed.

Presenting: Rudolph the Rad-Nosed Reindeer.

Rudolph was at the head of the pack leading the way to spread Christmas cheer to the whole world. About twenty minutes into the flight, they were clear of land. Then Rudolph, seeing, that they were now flying over the ocean, breaks a sinister grin. He detaches himself from his harness and flies around alongside the sleigh and says to Santa and all the reindeer.

Rudolph’s nose increased its brightness casting a fiery red aura around himself as he spoke:

“ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE TREATED LIKE ANY OTHER REINDEER, BUT ALL OF YOU CHOSE TO SHIT ON ME!  SO YOU PRICKS THINK ABOUT THAT ON YOUR WAY TO HELL. I  THIRST FOR THE TEARS YOU WILL SHED AS YOU CRASH THIS PIECE OF SHIT SLEIGH INTO THE OCEAN, WHILE TRYING TO FLY THIS MOTHER-F#CKER BLIND!! BEFORE YOU DIE. KNOW THIS!!

I AM GOING BACK TO CHRISTMAS TOWN, AND I’M GONNA BURN THAT MOTHERFU#KER TO THE GROUND WHILE THE WHOLE TOWN SLEEPS!!! I WILL DRINK YAGER FROM THE SKULL OF AN ELF, AND EAT VENISON AS I STAND IN THE CREMATORY THAT YOU ASSHOLES ONCE CALLED HOME, I WILL WAIT FOR THE WHOLE TOWN TO BURN. WHEN IT IS COMPLETE I WILL GATHER THE ASHES AND THEM IM GONNA BURN THE F#CKING ASHES.

YOU DOUCHE-BAGS DENIED ME A MERRY CHRISTMAS, SO I WILL JUST MAKE MY OWN HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

SO MERRY CHRISTMAS ASSHOLES, MERRY FU@%ING CHRISTMAS.

Rudolph then flew away leaving Santa and the other reindeer without any hope of survival.

Rudolph-red-nose-reindeer-3I think if Rudolph had stood up for himself, like in my ending people might get the Idea of how it feels to be picked an and made fun of.

THE END

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

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64 Responses to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Strikes Back!!

  1. jadereyner says:

    OK, in amongst all of that was a serious message about bullying (I think!). I’m impressed!

    • As a an untreated ADD child all through my first 10 years of school, Yah I got picked on a lot. EVERY DAY. so i think as bad as I was made to feel. I would have loved to have been in Rudolph’s shoes. Very astute Jade

      It feels good knowing that I impressed you.

      • jadereyner says:

        Bullying is the worst. I was bullied at school too, for three years until we moved away. It was horrendous and the scars are still there. In those days it wasn’t addressed like it is today. I applaud you for having the courage to get your message out there and I empathise with what you went through. Would never have considered Rudolph as a metaphor for bullying, but I guess you are right. Double impressed!

        • WOW JADE!!!

          I will take that to mean that you sympathized with Rudolph, and you accept that he took the only course of action that was reasonable.

          But are you such a rigid supporter that you would wear a t-shirt representing his actions

  2. Loved the underlying “revenge” theme apart from the Santa make-over you have provided.

    What is it that makes us hold this” We versus them” mindset? Much of the world’s sorrows originate from this. So what could we do to shift the perspective?

    Shakti

  3. Now and again it feels good to get a bit of our own back doesn’t it.

  4. bossymoksie says:

    Best. Ending. Ever.

  5. ksbeth says:

    thanks for this and it seems rudolph was trying to ‘pass’ for a black nosed variety of deer. a child’s tale of racism and too bad he couldn’t accept who he really was. p.s. in this story i would not fit in either, really would have fit in better in the land of misfit toys.

    • I was rudolph. I just did not have the chance to burn down a village. If you dont read my version of the story to your students i will understand.

      • ksbeth says:

        well it’s really lucky that my class can’t read yet, it is up to me to ‘translate’ stories i read aloud to them. they pretty much have to take me at my word, later in life they may come back and yell, ‘hey, why did you tell me bambi’s mom lived a long and happy life in the gentle woods, when you knew she freakin’ got blown away by a jackass hunter right at the beginning?!’ you should hear me during our ‘fariy tale unit!’ now those are some really creepy stories!

  6. Finally…the truth can be told!

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  9. LOL this was some funny shit! U made Rudolph a bad ass! My kids love watching :MADD” they would so crack up over THIS xmas fairy tale!

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  11. xtrememom says:

    I don’t know how it is that I’m JUST reading this. As always, well done sir.
    St. Dick-o-lass?? Thank you for a morning belly laugh.
    PS- will definitely add this to my holiday reading list.

  12. Reblogged this on I AM TOM NARDONE and commented:

    Once again it is that time of year when Christmas is upon us. I have more readers this year than last year. I am taking this opportunity to take part in a Christmas tradition here at I am Tom Nardone as we revisit my favorite blog post ever.

  13. I also thought Rudolph should have set up camp at the Island of Misfit Toys, consolidated his power and then led them in a brutal coup against Santa, overthrowing the preening prick, taking over the North Pole and freeing the elves.

    Then they could have tied down all the reindeer that mocked him and let the dorky elf that wanted to be a dentist pull their teeth out, one by one, without anesthesia.

    Not that I’ve given it much thought.

  14. ericaatje says:

    I really love your writing, but with your ending isn’t Rudolph then as bad as they were??? Just a thought… When people talk bad about me I let them be and don’t act like they do. I just think of them as ignorant people with low self esteem. If you catch my drift?
    But, I loved reading your ending nonetheless… It made me laugh!!! 😉

    • Erica I am thrilled to know that you laughed at the end of my story. I was written for that purpose. I do not accept that Rudolph was as bad as the others. Rudolph was born different. It was not his plan or his design. The other reindeer acted with spite and malice and did irreparable damage to his self esteem. Those reindeer built Rudolph. In my story they most likely were not happy with performance of their creation. They counted on Rudolph to be passive. They counted wrong.

      I am thrilled that you cared enough to comment. So few do. 🙂

  15. Very nice holiday piece!

  16. ksbeth says:

    i have always loved this

  17. Thanks for psting this again. This should be a holiday tradition

  18. Gray Dawster says:

    I definitely like your version better Tom, it is right on the nose as it were 🙂 🙂 Excellent reading material as always my great friend and do have a wonderful holiday, I am sure that you will be enjoying a lot of goodies so before we get too full I would like to raise my glass to you and your sweet wife and say… Be good or else? 😉 🙂

    Andro

  19. TIA says:

    I laughed, cried real tears, and felt like Rudolph myself while reading this! Beautiful piece Tom!!!! 🙂

  20. REDdog says:

    HAHAAAA!! Good shit Tom, you nailed it. Shame my kids are all teenagers now or they’d be getting the Tom Nardone treatment on that one. Love your work, man. Cheers REDdog

  21. A. van Nerel says:

    Just stumbled upon your blog after seeing your ode to Ned Hickson on youtube. Glad I did! Yours is a christmas story that doesn’t make me wanna throw up…trust me, there’s a big compliment in there somewhere…

  22. I remember reading this when you first posted it! I remember loving it, but also being amazed, because I’d written a very similar story which I had planned on using somewhere else. I’ve never posted my version (partially because you beat me to it, and a lot of the themes are similar). However, with Christmas on it’s way, and me without a blog topic, I’ll be posting mine tonight. I wanted to read yours again first, hoping that it isn’t too similar…..it is…. pretty similar….. great minds think alike I guess. I hope you like my version as much as I liked yours.

  23. Agent 54 says:

    Yeah, Uh, well, that was a little extreme, in my humble opinion. Couldn’t Rudolf say lead the slay around in circles until Santa agrees to split the entire Christmas season profits 50-50 with him? Isn’t that a little less of a nightmare ending? Christmas goes on, Rudolf gets rich, everyone wins.

  24. Ash says:

    That just makes Rudolf just as bad if not worse than the rest of them, I think helping out when it was needed made him better than any of the dry nosed stuck up reindeer in the whole story…

    • You are the second person in 2000 to feel this way thank you for taking time to voice your opinion. If you had ever found yourself living a life of ridicule as I have. You would probably see the humor in this. This is a make believe story and the point is to see the bad guys fearful for a change.

  25. mollytopia says:

    Hahaha Tom! I love it! You’re right – I never thought of it that way. This could and should have been a lesson about bullying and accepting people as they are. I guess the ABC after school programming standards hadn’t yet begun when that story was written ; ) Great post!

    • HEY MOLLY!!!!!

      Thanks for the Tweet! I wrot this last year i guess before we met I am glad you so enjoyed this. I gathered everyone loved it last year but i have had two or three of those two wrongs dont make a right assholes comment on it. I was starting to wonder until your validation was given HAHA Thanks lady you are so much fun!!!

      • mollytopia says:

        Um if people don’t like swearing and satire and awesomeness, they probably shouldn’t be reading your blog. I thought it was hilarious : )

        • You are correct Molly. Perhaps I could change my sign-off from “I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome”, to “I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome unless you were offended, in which case neither me nor my friend Molly have a clue as to why you are here. Go back to your Facebook page, and tell everyone what an awful place the internet is becoming!”

  26. Niki Brown says:

    Do you have a similar story about Frosty the Snow-Man or How the Grinch Saved Christmas? 🙂

  27. Onoir says:

    Very interesting and funny. My mother told me I didn’t like the song as a child and would make her turn it off if I heard it. I told her that I didn’t like Santa letting the other reindeer make fun of Rudolph. When her reply was “maybe Santa didn’t know”, she said I gave her a look and asked, “Then how does Santa know if I’ve been bad or good?” And I absolutely hate that television program story, although I’d watch it every single year if it had your ending.

  28. I don’t often drink Yager, but when I do, I will forever wish it was from the skull of an elf.

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