Tom Nardone’s: Theory of Pants

I’m Right.  I Promise.

pantsThis comes up from time to time in our house. I guess because my wife Yvonne is concerned that I am teaching young Brett (my beloved step-son) a bad life lesson. I call it my “Theory of Pants”.

First, I would like to go on the record as saying that I believe that people should wash their clothes and be clean, but only if they choose to be around other people. If they are going to stay in their home all day and not be around anyone else, then it is obviously their decision. I pass no judgment on them. I see nothing wrong with anyone making a decision to lazily hang around the house; marinating in themselves. I do not judge you people; I salute you.

Most of us don’t have the luxury of living our lives on our laptops, being accountable only to our followers. We have to get up and leave the house. We have to go to our jobs, therefore, we have to be around people. What that means, hygienically speaking, is that we have to be clean.

This is where my wife, Yvonne likes to butt heads with me and attempt to sway me in my unmovable, inflexible, unyielding, sound, well thought-out, and rigidly held theory about the pants I wear. My theory is as follows:

A pair of pants can go several days, even weeks, yes weeks, plural, before needing to be put in the washer machine. I know many of you are making a face. You are cringing, and/or twitching at the thought of this. You would never consider this as an option, but I would ask that you at least give me a chance to explain to you people why you are all wrong.

The human body simply does not treat a pair of pants in the same fashion that it does other articles of clothing. I will give you some examples.


People perspire under their arms so it is necessary to wash a shirt before it is worn again. This is no secret. There are companies making millions because of our foul smelling underarm perspiration. Certainly all of us have smelled ourselves a time or two. Of course you also know what a dirty shirt smells like.


The, afore mentioned, could also be said about our feet. There is no smell like that of stinky feet. It is unmistakable and our socks get a front row seat at that funk show.


I don’t think I need to get into all the things that happen to our underwear. It should be clear enough.

Underarms destroy the condition of our shirts. Feet despoil the freshness of our socks. Other unmentionables wreak havoc on our undergarments, but NONE of this can be said about our legs in regard to our pants.smellysocksgrey

Have you ever heard of a person who had smelly legs? Of course you haven’t. The notion is ridiculous. Have you ever told your child or spouse “Oh! Baby you stink. Please go change your pants.”? No, you haven’t, unless of course they did, in fact, drop a load in them.

Here are a few further questions for you non-believers:

When is the last time you washed the shoes that house those stinky socks you wear all day?

When you are in your car in traffic, and it is hotter than hell, do you sweat? I imagine that day after day that sweat gets into the upholstery. When is the last time you had your upholstery cleaned?

Hey, do you own a hat? How many days do you sweat right through it and just wear it days on end anyway before it ever gets washed?

How many years do you where your winter coat without taking it to the drycleaners?

Are shoes, upholstery, hats, and coats magically untouched by your odor. No they aren’t. They get nasty, but you do nothing about it. You just quietly place your head in the sand as you wallow in your own filth, not giving a thought to these things.

That is OK though! Hey I am not judging you. I am right there with you. There is no need to wash your coat, hat, and shoes every day. Screw that! Don’t put yourself through that kind of trouble. That is not a life worth living.

Pants fall into the same category. I think that people wash pants as matter of course, rather than of heartfelt necessity.

I have worn the same pair of pants as long as three weeks, without a wash. I did not feel unclean. I did not smell bad. No one even noticed. I will tell you an added benefit to this is that when you get home, and change your clothes, you can leave your keys and wallet in them so that when you put them on the next day, they are ready for action.

If you are still not convinced, or if you still just don’t get it, I would like to present you with a challenge. Go right now, and smell everything you wore to work today. Smell your sox, your shirt, your underwear, and your pants. Then, ask yourself a question. “If I had to wear one of these items to bed tonight, which one would it be?”

If it was me, taking that challenge, then I will tell you, like I tell my wife.

“I wear the pants”

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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23 Responses to Tom Nardone’s: Theory of Pants

  1. Joe Smith says:

    Do you ever wonder exactly what it will be that does it when Yvonne finally decides to strangle your ass? I know why my wife will murder me, but do you know why yours will murder you? Great post!

  2. I don’t necessarily agree, but if there was ever the possibility of me agreeing to an argument about not washing pants…… it would be this one. Here’s my argument to the contrary….. We fart (some more than others) while sitting in a chair, and that traps the farty odors in the upholstery of the chair, but more importantly in your pants. I’m not suggesting that you need to wash pants as often as you wash shirts, but 3 weeks?? I can’t roll with you on this one.

    • Hey Thoughts and Rants

      Hey man, I get it, and I am not trying to amass a legion of people to join my non-washing pants cult. There are other factors involved with this like what you do all day.I did appreciate your farting analogy. I never really thought about my chair being a fart storage locker. Maybe there is something there. Thanks for commenting man, and I will not ever judge you no matter how many times per month you needlessly wash your pants. HAHA

  3. Thanks for sharing my post. We are kindred spirits…

  4. jadereyner says:

    O.k. . . . I think this is one of those posts on which a female should really not comment . . . .

  5. Your wife will likely want to slap me for this one, but I happen to agree pants do not need to be washed as often as other articles of clothing. However Tom, three weeks? That is stretching it just a bit to much.

    Here is a compromise you might want to consider. Don’t wear the same pants every single day. Switch them. Let them air out. Then you get more use. Have them on the re-cycle through your closet and wash them after 5 uses.

  6. No she doesn’t want to kill you. It is enough for her that I haven’t had any one take my side and hoist up the flag of neglect in a campaign to support my view on the matter. By her measure, your comment is another point for her. I am still holding out for Joe Smith, and Ned.

    I will say that you have thus far been the most supportive female. Thank You Val.

  7. bossymoksie says:

    It’s a sound argument, at least for argument’s sake. Not sure I’d follow it through though, not like that.

    • very well put bossy.
      I have had several frinds of mine at work say “hey Tom see these pants, yah day four” I would smile and nod toward them giving my approval, but no women

      I don’t know any women who have admitted to me that they couldn’t wait to put this into action. If you would like to and have to tell someone, than be sure we will keep it between us

  8. Nut says:

    Two days is my limit. And only if I’m lazing around at home. Even just that second day they feel softer and look wrinklier and have that feel of dirtiness about them…
    3 weeks? Impressive perhaps, but scary!

  9. portholio says:

    My husband must have the same theory.

  10. Scarlett says:

    The thing is Tom I worry about what’s on the outside of the pants, not the inside, I know what’s on the inside of the pants, it’s me , I am on the inside of the pants, but the outside… There could be dog slobber or cat hair, litle kids’ snot or gummy hands wiped on them. There could be raw chicken slime unconsciously wiped there whilst cooking. Someone could have sneezed on you while you were watching telly together on the couch. Undoutedly chocolate cookie crumbs have landed in your lap and maybe melted. You probably went to a public loo and washed your hands and then dried them ON YOUR PANTS. Then of course there’s whatever you have sat on which of course depends on what’s on your chairs; again this could be pets, used bandaids from ADHD son, chips, spills, and of course the trapped farts in the upholstery of who knows how many people. Now I don’t want to rub all this in my bed with my pants.
    I will admit though, that under the right conditions, with a really favourite pair of pants they can hit a comfy zone, at about 10 days, of perfect density, humidity and fit around one’s particular shape. That is the pinnacle of pants for sure.

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