New Car Wrong Color

The Adventures of: Brody Bricker

VOL. III

New Car Wrong Color


Brody Bricker was one of my best friends growing up. He lived to cause trouble. He would do anything to get a reaction out of someone. He had absolutely no conscience, and the only time I ever saw him smile, was after causing any kind of mayhem. He hated is father and gave all authority figures, nothing but grief.

I have changed his name, the names of his victims, and the names of any businesses that might have suffered at the expense of his entertainment.

These are his stories

Ladies and Gentlemen, Brody Bricker:

One day Brody’s father decided it was time for a new car and he took Brody with him to the dealership. His dad decided on a model that resembled the 80’s Plymouth Horizons. It came in many colors and Brody liked the blue one. He told his dad that the blue one looked the best, and that it was the car he should buy. His dad however, decided on this ugly dark brown car that had some orange eagle painted on both doors, and the hood. The car looked like ass, and this made furious.

He called me at the house when they got back and he told me how stupid his father was, and how embarrassed he would be to even have this car in the driveway. Brody and I had planned for me to spend that weekend at his house. I did this on many weekends in the summer.

The next morning, my dad drove me the 20 miles or so that he lived from us and told me to behave as I got out of the car. I said “Sure Dad.”

The subject of the car came up immediately when his dad saw me and wanted to show it to me. He even told me and brody to get in so I could take a ride in it. He was very proud of this car. Later that night after his parents went to bed, and Brody and I got up and snuck out to do God knows what.

When we got back he said “Hold on Tom, I have to take a leak” He then proceeded to walk up to his Dad’s new car, open the gas cap door, unscrew the cap, and pee into the tank. I could not believe what I was seeing. Brody saw the look of amazement on my face and he began to laugh. He said stop making me laugh, it is affecting my aim. He finished, zipped up, and we went back into his house and went to bed.

The next morning Brody and I woke up and his dad was washing the car. He asked if we wanted to help him wax it. Brody knew I would say yes, so he quickly interrupted and said we are going over to Johnny and Billy’s house we will be back later. So we left. We did not go to Johnny and Billy’s house, but Brody and I stayed gone long enough to make sure his Dad’s car was done being waxed.

As we got back Brody noticed his dad’s car had all the doors open including the hatchback open. He looked at me and said “Come on” Brody went up to his dad’s car, walked around to the rear of it, and began to pee into the open hatchback onto the carpet. I said “Brody he is going to smell that for sure dude. How are you going to explain this?” He assured me he had it under control, and damned if he didn’t.

Brody closed all the doors and windows of the car. We went inside and Brody went right up to his dad and said “Dad, we closed you doors to your car” he said “Why did you do that? I was airing it out to get rid of that new car smell” Brody told him “Well, there was some strange cat that was asleep in it so we got rid of him, and closed the doors so he would not come back” His dad replied ”Oh! Thanks Brody” Brody said “Sure, it was nothing.”

That weekend I don’t think he pissed anywhere but in that car.  He did it several times in the gas tank, and several times in the cab. It didn’t matter what he did for that whole weekend. His dad would assume that the cat pissed in it.

The next morning Brody told me that he would have to cut the grass that day before we did anything. I said fine and brody said he must first take care of something. He went outside and gathered up a bunch of gravel and strategically placed it in the tall grass.

He came back inside and said “Tom come outside and watch me cut the grass” I didn’t care so I went. He kept laughing while he was cutting the grass. I did not know why then. I did figure it out before it happened and I was too afraid to do anything about it. Brody had placed that gravel so that when he ran over it with the lawn mower, the shoot of the mower would be aimed at his dad’s car. The gravel was there as shot.

Brody came around and he was so excited that he could not stand it. I knew he was about to hit it, and I had my back turned, not wanting to see this. I could not resist the show. When I turned I saw his dad. I thought his dad was still inside. I looked at Brody and pointed at his dad whose back was turned, and shook my head saying “No!” Brody, with a smile, nodded his head saying “Yes”. Seconds later Brody with his brand new lawnmower shotgun, that he designed only 30 minutes prior to testing, hit the pile of gravel, and the test was a remarkable success. Brody’s dad had turned into the line of fire just as it began.

Brody’s weapon sprayed a hail storm of gravel at his father and at the car. It lasted longer than I thought it would have. There were scratches and dings all over the car. Brody’s dad was going insane. I didn’t know if he was jumping up and down out of anger, pain, or fear. When the shooting was over, Brody just kept going like he didn’t even notice that it had happened. His dad went running after him and started kicking his ass. Brody fought back as they were exchanging blows in the front yard on this blissful Sunday morning.

Brody’s mom came out and Brody started his fake crying. When his mother saw that she started kicking Brody’s dad’s ass.

Eventually the excitement stopped. Brody and I went to go play on the direction of his mother.

Later that day Brody and I went back to his house. He was full of anticipation at the thought of looking at this car. He wanted to see the damage he had done. When we got to the car he was disappointed. I said what’s the matter Brody isn’t this enough?  He said “Well my dad had to be out here screwing with the car. I was hoping to break a window. His fat-ass took most of the heavy gravel. Shit let’s go inside”

Over the next few months his dad was back and forth with the dealership trying to figure out why the car ran so poorly or sometimes not at all. When it finally got fixed Brody stopped peeing in the gas tank. He just sort of got bored with it all.

I am Tom Nardone , and you are welcome.

Incase you missed I and II click here

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Recycle? Don’t Be Silly ! Nobody is Raping Mother Earth!!!!

Picture1

Well then I guess the Unicorns will just have to die

There is an idea that has been buzzing around for years now that we should all work together, and help to “Save the Planet” by recycling all of our discarded refuse. I don’t have a problem with people doing this. People should feel free to do whatever they want with their own garbage, but there are those people who have to make our lives unbearable. Continue reading

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Smart Money w/ Tom Nardone.| Put Your Future in My Hands

dollar tomI disagree with the idea that you must save your money all your life so you can “retire with dignity”. What I do believe in; is being happy today. I place no importance on investments. Continue reading

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History or Literature, They Are Narrowly Separated.

History? For score and seven years ago, in a galaxy far far away…

storm

I have absolutely no interest in the study of history. Throughout history, and even today, there have been two kinds of people in the world. There are the winners and there are the losers. Can you guess which group got to write the history books? Continue reading

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Yes Dear, We Can Eat Out Tonight. Just get me a shirt that says ”Kill Me Please”

 

tom1My lovely wife used to love going out to eat. Life with me has changed things for her and for her entire family. My wife has just decided that I am a much bigger pain in the ass when asked to leave the house for the sake of a meal, than the meal is worth. Her parents adore me, and I them. She made the mistake of complaining about my shitty attitude about eating out to her mother. Now nobody eats out on their birthday, because her mother does not want me to be inconvenienced. I gotta say “THAT ROCKS!” Continue reading

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I Was a Kick-Ass Father

 

Tom & Brett at CrueFest

I had a bad first marriage. I think the only saving grace was that we never made an effort to have children. I always told people the reason I did not have kids was because, I was a selfish bastard and I did not want the headaches and the heartaches. Continue reading

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Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Strikes Back!!

 Rudolph

Rudolph-red-nose-reindeer-2

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is probably one of the most famous Christmas stories in the world. I find that sad. I cannot for the life of me, understand what it is about this story that any parent would like their child to learn.Christmas stories like that typically have an underlying message that teach kids some life lesson or help them to understand things about the world. Rudolph is no exception to that rule. It’s just the wrong lesson. Let me explain.

For those of you who have not heard the story. A beautiful reindeer is born, but he is a little different. He is not like the other reindeer. He Rudolph-red-nose-reindeer-1had a shiny red nose that glows. It, through most of the story, causes him nothing but grief and bullshit; much like anybody who, God Forbid, is different than others and the world just can’t seem to grasp this.  With the exception of Rudolph’s mother, the entire town was on his ass for something he could not help, and something he could not change. He wasn’t like everyone else, so all the other asshole reindeer decide that they don’t like Rudolph because of this shiny red nose. Continue reading

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America. Quit Playing With Yourself!!!!

tom1There never lived a greater man than my father, Tom Nardone Senior. I remember asking him as a child, “Hey dad, how come you never vote?” I will never forget his response. “Well Tommy, I don’t vote because it just doesn’t make any difference to me who steals my money.” I never forgot those words. To this day, I have never voted in an election. Continue reading

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I Am Perfectly Happy Driving a Dumpster.

I don’t ever want to drive anything, but a piece of shit

 

00aaThere is something about old beaten up cars that I find beautiful. It is like being on the road with a seasoned veteran as opposed to some newb vehicle. While it is maybe not as smooth or comfortable, I do get some piece of mind from the experience this car has over most of the other cars on the road. We just drive down the highway laughing at all the other younger cars, still with there innocence, as they are being driven assholes who cant drive them.[READ MORE]

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He’s Not Heavy. He’s My Blogger

He’s Not Heavy. He’s My Blogger

by Yvonne Nardone

me and yvonne

My husband is Tom Nardone. Anyone in a relationship with a blogger might have the same issue as me. He is obsessed with blogging, but I think he is even more obsessed with bloggers. When I say obsessed I don’t mean He loves to play games or go to the gym (ha ha). I mean he has lost 40 pounds because he’s so busy blogging that he won’t stop to eat.

He not only blogs but now he has joined your community of bloggernaughts to interface with. For him It’s seemingly a blogger love gone cult. He knows and communicates way more online than in real life. But to Tom this is his real life. Don’t get me wrong I’m proud that he’s found a stage for his bizarre and controversial opinions. Blogging also makes him happy.

Tom is obsessed with his blogger stats and checks them like a 60 year old woman playing video poker. 300 hits is an all cherry day. His day is shot if people don’t like him or comment. I really liken it to a gambling addiction. Tom sits in front of his laptop after publishing a post, as if it were a video game. He used to bring me his laptop to show me a map of the world on goggle analytics, to brag to me about the wide span of his readers or as I will call them followers. “Hey babe! Check this out they love me in Australia” or “Hey babe! Look I am storming across Europe!!” He pretends not to care that I don’t read his all of his blog.

This happens to be true. I don’t read all of his blog. I think Tom is a brilliant writer and he connects well with his readers. The problem is that I have heard this shit a thousand times before, and since I don’t agree with half of the shit he says, I find it to be a reminder of the aggravation of his twisted and non-sense views. Sometimes when I read his blog I just want to pretend we are not related.

I have not been working, so I have enabled Tom to spend all of his free time on this. My Tom is ADD so I have been keeping track of the location of his wallet, and keys. I pay all the bills, I beg him to please bring me a load of laundry down to wash, and I am convinced that were it not for my involvement, that he would leave the house and go to work, with two unmatched shoes and not give a shit one way or the other.

I just bought him a new pair of shoes with the child-like Velcro straps (that I hate) which he insists on. Tom continued to wear this other pair of shoes that had holes in them because he says he likes them. I of course exercised my spousal privilege and threw them away. He cried like a girl about it. He actually said “Fine, I’m going to throw something away that you like to wear” Yah right! He doesn’t have the balls. I dare him to do it.

The only thing he has to do is put gas in his car and go to work for 40 hours a week. I have allowed this life style because I was laid off, but I am going back to work and Tom will have to become an adult.

Tom’s life is going to change dramatically. He will have to not only take the trash out to the garage, but also put a new bag in the can. He will have to match his own shoes and keep track of his own keys. He will even have to cook dinner as he will often get home before me. He will even have to take the initiative to put down his laptop long enough to take a shower, as I will not be here to prod him.

The truth is that Tom is a wonderful person, and he always steps-up just like he will when I start working. I have always known that I can depend on Tom to be there when I need him. He loves me more than anyone ever has, and it brings him to tears to see me disappointed in him.

It is also true that he is the funniest person I have ever seen when he gets mad. I am looking forward to the show.

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