Telemarketers, I Am Begging You All. Come Back!!

 

tommyIt doesn’t happen so much anymore. Telemarketers calling you at your home at night between 6pm-9pm, asking for you to join something, or buy something. I can’t begin to describe how much I miss that.

I know many of you find that odd. I would say to you that your attitude toward it is flawed. I believe that the world is a stage, and when that phone would ring, it was like the lights going out, the curtain rolls up and the music ques for “The Tom Nardone Show”

In my entire life, I have never heard a more beautiful sound than that, of my own voice. A sales call was a chance for me to really showcase my awesomeness to a brand new, unsuspecting member of my global audience. I can say anything I can be anyone. It is like a trip back through a childhood make believe wonderland.

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These days it seems that computers do all the work. Machines  call my house with a pre-recorded message. That really is a shame because telemarketers were in my opinion, an untapped source of entertainment.

I did realize that these people were human beings, and they are just trying to support their families. I am also aware that their lives hold a greater purpose than to provide me with entertaining anecdotes, however I work for 8 hours a day.

BUT….To be fair to my family and friends, when I come home from work, I have a very low tolerance for bullshit. I refuse to allow it in my presence.

If I wont take it from my own friends and family, then there is no way in Hell I’m going to allow some stranger to get away with it? SHIT NO! Because I am Tom Nardone, and I am Awesome, and I respect my friends ans family. It is all of them that I will use to justify my assholistic behavior. So now I will present to you “The Tom Nardone Show”

The following are some real life examples of things I have said to real telemarketers.

Olan Mills Photography Studios 

Ring………….Ring…………..Ring
TOM: Hello.
Olan Mills: Yes, is this Mr. Nardone?
TOM: Yes it is.
Olan Mills: Hi Mr. Nardone this is Rachel at Olan Mills Photo Studios, how are you tonight?

Family Photo, Anchorage, AK
TOM: I am wonderful Rachel. How are you?
Olan Mills: I’m fine, Thanks
TOM: what can I do for you?
Olan Mills: We would like to invite you and your family to come down and have a free family portrait taken, with no obligation to buy, and just for coming in you’llreceive a free 5×8 picture at absolutely no cost to you. How does that sound?

TOM: Well Rachel, first off, It was very nice of you to take the time to include my family in what seems to be a pretty amazing opportunity, but my uncle is a photographer, with National Geographic, and he takes all our pictures.
Olan Mills: Wow, National Geographic, I’ll bet you have beautiful family pictures
TOM:Yes they are beautiful. I would go so far as to say they are almost perfect.The only real issue I have with them is that my brother is very insistant that my whole family be photographed naked while squating around a camp fire.

Olan Mills:HA HA HA HA HA HAHA HA HA

Tom: CLICK

I really felt that she was a nice girl. I was not in a bad mood, and i thought that this would give her a nice story to go home and tell her family about. Everybody won and no one was upset in any way. It was a true thing of beauty.

ADT Security Systems

Ring………….Ring…………..Ringburglar tom
TOM: Hello.
ADT: Yes, is this Mr. Nardone?
TOM:Yes it is.
ADT: Hi Mr. Nardone this is Bob at ADT, how are you tonight?
TOM: I am wonderful Bob. How are you?
ADT: I’m fine, Thanks
TOM: what can I do for you?
ADT: I just wanted to call and let you know we will be in your area talking to your neighbors about home security systems. What would be a good time to come by and see you
TOM: Bob I really appreciate the call, but to have one of your security alarms would really present a conflict of interest  for me
ADT: How is that Mr. Nardone?
TOM: I have spent the last 6 years as a professional burglar and as a burglar I don’t think it would be fair to put my self in a position of security, while at the same time depriving others from the same piece of mind that I would be receiving,  But Hey! Let me ask you this. Are you hiring installers? I can think of nothing I could do that would more effectively prepare me than to sharpen my skills, While learning the ins and outs of your security system.
ADT: Sir you are talking about breaking and entering. That is against the law. No. We would not want you as one of our installers

TOM:Bob it sounds like you are judging me. Yes it sounds like you take issue with the way I choose to make my living.

ADT: Well sir, what you do is illegal

TOM: OK  Bob, Point taken. If I am hearing you right, You feel that what I do is illegal. Maybe you think what I do is a disruption to the lives of our community, causing them  to go through an agonizing experience that no one should have to endure. That is what I don’t understand. You are also involved in an illegal act. When you called it was five minutes after the 9:00pm when telemarketers are supposed to cease all calling. I did not judge you for that.

ADT: Uh sir don….(Tom interupts)

Wait Bob. it sounds like both of us have been living our lives in the shadows. We have both been collecting paychecks for causing so many people so much pain. I have an idea, but it is going to require a really big commitment on your part. I put down my crowbar and you put down you phone. Yah that’s what I am saying, I think both of us should quit our jobs. What do you say Bob? Let’s both of us, starting tomorrow, and really make an effort to walk the straight and narrow. Are you with me?

ADT: Shithead!! Click

This was something that I fear I will never again get to experience. I will miss those annoying bastards. I would ask you all to resist the temptation to call me, posing as one of these people. I know your heart is in the right place, but it just wouldnt be the same

I am Tom Nardone, and You Are Welcome!

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ADHD | You Will Find What You Look For.

Tom-Nardone-ADHD-monk

There is much written on ADD/ADHD.  They also almost always address ADHD as a problem, and a problem only. I feel by doing this they are scaring and misinforming their readers.

Many of these articles are written by doctors. Doctors are used to treating problems, so I guess it would stand to reason that they should write about ADHD in that context. There are two types of people who write these articles; Doctors and those with ADHD. I think most people feel better reading something written by a doctor, rather than by someone with ADHD. Because if a doctor said it, then it can’t be wrong. Don’t kid yourself. Believe it or not, sometimes doctors are wrong. They are only human, and while doctor written articles can be informative, and important, they are seldom inspiring. So, as long as you are here, allow me to inspire you.

So, your or loved one is messy and leaves their shit lying around all over the place. People like to quote Albert Einstein who said “A messy desk is a sign of a genius.” Well, I never met Albert Einstein myself. He could have been a giant asshole for all I know. While I may me every bit the asshole that Al was, I speak and write in English so listen-up.

 When you see a beautiful mural painted by an artist, you can respond in two ways. You can marvel at its beauty, OR you can bitch about the mess that was made in the process. I suppose if i had a choice to live in a messy world full of art, or a clean world with no art. My vote is for the mess. You would vote for the mess too.

Oh yes ADHD people daydream. So what about daydreaming? Is it necessarily a bad thing all of a sudden for someone to have an active imagination or a creative mind? When is an appropriate time to come up with kickass ideas? There is no appropriate time. Awesomeness does not indulge anyone’s schedule. It calls when it calls. You can answer the call or you can worry about the petty bullshit you are expected to do.

Daydreaming is often mentioned with kids in school. My question is this: Is it a teachers job to teach the class? of course it is. To simply stand up and read the lesson plan each week as you count down the days until you get to spread your ass out on the couch and get paid all summer might be fun, but is is not teaching. Ask your son or daughter to explain to you, everything they learned in school on a particular day. Perhaps they couldn’t tell you anything about it. HA!, Ask them to tell you about a video game they play. See what takes longer. I’m sure some teachers feel better believing that. The truth is that ADHD people have trouble paying attention to things that are not interesting to them.

Yes, children with ADHD blurt out whatever they might be thinking. I would rather know what is on my kid’s mind, rather than wonder. That beats the absolute shit out of trying to pry information from them. Parents of ADHD kids will truly know who their child is as a result of this. While their outbursts might not be appropriate sometimes, they will always be entertaining. Parents do have to police the actions of their kids as they should. Try embracing their words rather than correcting them for not following the regimented guidelines held in high regard by the rest of the herd . You can either NO your child or you can KNOW your child.

So, your loved one is Hyper-Sensitive. I really fail to see a downside to this. Parents with ADHD kids know better than anyone; some kids are mean little bastards. You should get down on your hands and knees and thank God for your child’s “Over-sensitivity” I spent years in school being picked on. My fellow students seemed to enjoy picking on me more than recess. My entire elementary career was an absolute daily hell. I would rather not ever believe that a child of mine was inflicting that same pain on another child. Why chastise their empathy for others? Is the world not currently a shitty enough place for you?

You have a choice. You can decide that you or your loved one has a problem that will complicate their life. You can constantly remind them that they have some handicap that prevents them from being more than they are. You can continue feeling sorry for them, crying for them, or wishing they were not the way they are, thereby reinforcing the stigma that so many others have drilled into their heads there whole life. You can deny them medication because you are worried about what the other asshole parents will think about your parenting skills.

OR

You could have a backbone, and tell your friends, your piers, your family, or anyone else who believes them less than what they are to just go to hell. You can stand up and be a proud and supportive parent, husband, wife, Mom, or Dad. You can realize,  “The Fleas come with the dog”. If you believe them inferior, they will believe it too.  You can realize that you are fortunate to have someone that will never fall into the cookie cutter mentality the world seems to embrace. You can stand up and be proud to be with some one who is not just another rank-and-file Normal Person. Personally the last thing on earth I ever want to be is normal. I would never teach my child to be so.

You will find what you look for. SO DON’T LOOK FOR A TURD!

I think ADHD People are, in many ways, what others are afraid to be. Some normal people don’t want to change out of their pajamas to go to the store, but they do. Some normal people want to tell other people what they think, or how they feel, but they don’t. They sit there quietly worrying about what others might think. They are afraid to be who they are.

Those of us with ADHD will go down our own path. We will eventually get down life’s highway, but we will stop at many exits where we will create moments, and have adventures, but nothing in life is worth doing, if it must be done alone or in the absence of the people we love and care for. So, your loved one has ADHD. I will give you the best advice that anyone could ever give you, and that is quite simply this.

“Enjoy the ride.”

I am Tom Nardone and You Are Welcome.

tomboy

  • You can join the I Am Tom Nardone Facebook Group by clicking HERE. or ADHDpeople.net Here
  • Or you can enter you email address at the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME”
  • Or you could risk never hearing from me again and go through life without the benefit of my counsel, but what would be the
  • Twitter @tomnardonehere or @adhdpeople
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Brody Bricker Vol II. | Brody Bricker Makes the News!!

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The Adventures of: Brody Bricker

VOL. II

Brody Makes the News


Brody Bricker was one of my best friends growing up. He lived to cause trouble. He would do anything to get a reaction out of someone. He had absolutely no conscience, and the only time I ever saw him smile, was after causing any kind of mayhem.

I have changed his name, the names of his victims, and the names of any businesses that might have suffered at the expense of his entertainment.

These are his stories

Ladies and Gentlemen, Brody Bricker

It was never a good idea t cross Brody. He would always come out on top. He never lost because he had no fear and no conscience about anything he ever did

One Saturday Brody and I decided to go to the movies. We were taking a short cut through the woods to go to the movie theatre. We had done this many time before, but this time we ran into some kids who were playing in a tree house. We tried to just ignore them, but they had some problem with us cutting through their yard and told us to go around. We said we were sorry, and we started to go around, but that suddenly was not good enough either. They wanted to fight. One of the kids said “Now we are gonna kick your asses” Brody said great which one of you assholes wants to go first.

I did not want to fight, but if they were going to insist, then fine. Two of them came forward one at me and one at brody. The rest of them scurried up the tree house ladder to get a better view. We were doing great and the kids we were fighting ran away, then the kids in the tree house started yelling and throwing things at us. We got out of there just in case their parents might decide to come out, and raise hell about the two of us beating the hell out of their idiot sons.

Brody was furious. He was enjoying beating those other kids up. I was the only person he ever hung around with, so he did not have many chances to kick anybody’s ass. He was even angrier that we ended up not going to see the movie that he had been waiting to go see.

Later that night I was spending the night with him and as usual we snuck out. Brody said to me “Tom, wait here for just a minute” He came back with a duffel bag and said “OK let’s go.” I didn’t know where we were going, and he wouldn’t tell me because he did not want me to chicken out, which I definitely would have.

As we were walking through the woods I said “Brody we are going through the woods. Why didn’t you just tell me we’re going to the movies?” He said “We aren’t going to the movies tonight.” When he said that I figured out what we were doing. I knew we were going back to the tree house where those kids were playing. When we got there Brody told me to stay where I was he would only be a minute. He climbed the chain linked fence that surrounded the yard where the tree house stood. He quietly snuck through the yard and went up the ladder, and into the tree house.

treehouse5-11-06 006I should note that this was not some half-ass tree house. The person who built this took time and money to make it very beautiful. It had a shingled roof and siding. Brody later told me that it even had a refrigerator and lights in it.

He was in there for 5 very long minutes. He of course, emptied the refrigerator into the duffel bag, along with any other snacks, or things of value. Finally I saw him coming out of the tree house and down the ladder. I gave a sigh of relief but this night had only just begun.

I noticed Brody was messing with some string on the way down the ladder. He then pulled out a lighter and lit the string. The string started burning very fast, I remember watching the flame as it was traveling up toward the tree house. All of a sudden WAHHHHH!! Out of the windows came a giant cloud of orange flames. Brody wasn’t counting on the flames to be so bright. I had no idea what the hell he was doing until I saw the flames. I completely freaked out, and ran back towards his house which was a good mile through the woods at night. He jumped the fence and said “Tom, we better haul some ass” I was so far ahead that I barely heard him. We were running through the woods, and within 2 minutes we could hear the fire engine horns and sirens. I turned back and saw flashing blue and red lights through the woods. I didn’t care to sight see for long. We got back to house and went right to bed. Brody wanted to talk about it, because he was so proud of the mayhem he had caused. I was too scared. I felt like a criminal.

I went home the next morning because it was too scary to be at Brody’s anymore for the weekend. My dad was watching cartoons when I got home. As I walked in the door, my dad said ”Hey your home early. You want to watch Tom & Jerry” That sounded safe enough so I said “Sure.” I always enjoyed watching cartoons with my dad.

I was watching cartoons with dad for a while. I actually started to forget about what had happened the night before. I had gotten past it, and then the morning news came on. It was the tree house. The news was there covering an arson investigation. Apparently the entire tree house burned up, along with the tree, and a shed. They showed the kids whose tree house it was, and they were crying. My dad said “Boy, Tommy, what kind of sick sons of bitches would burn down a little kid’s tree house?”  I said “Only the meanest kind of person dad”

I no sooner said that and the phone rang. Oh God!!!! I knew it was brody. He saw the news like I did and he wanted to brag and tell me how awesome it was that his work was being covered by the news media. I jumped up and got the phone and said “Hello” it was Brody He said “Are you watching the news” I said “Yes” He said “Did you see those assholes crying? And we even got their dick dad’s shed as a bonus” I said “OK I will be over later today.” And then I hung up.  Dad says “was that your friend Brody?” I said “Yes” He said “That sounds like some shit he would do.” I simply and truthfully replied “I was with him all night dad”.

I am Tom Nardone, and You Are Welcome!

Help me. I can only spread so much bullshit by myself.
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Tom Nardone’s Driving Museum of A##holes!!

Nobody loves these people. Where the Hell are they going.

db

Driving affords many things to many people. It can be an important rite-of-passage to a young man or woman to finally reach another milestone in journey toward adulthood. Driving can be a long-awaited trip to take with friends looking forward to spending time together. It can be a time for people to spend catching up or just hanging out. I, on the other hand, see driving as a bunch of bullshit that I must endure because someone or something has required my presence.

Unfortunately, it is also a chance for assholes to take their craft to the stage. It is a chance for the true gladiators to show the world that their life can always get just a little bit harder. Sadly though, they don’t even realize that they are at fault.

I am sympathetic  though. It is difficult to hear with your head up your ass.

First up: “The Inactive Assholes”

These are the drivers who we judge based on their personalities or by the image they want to portray while they are on the road. This asshole is not being judged by his ability, or inability to drive their car. These people could actually be skilled drivers.

Introducing:

“The Bumper Sticker Asshole”

Introducing, “The Bumper Sticker Asshole” Apparently there are those that feel it is necessary to let the entire driving community know what they think about

Bumper sticker car parked in Santa Cruz, Calif...
Lunatic at the wheel

EVERYTHING! (I am not blind to the irony of me speaking out against people who are giving their opinion) I will give them one bumper sticker. Do you think they could use their bumper sticker as an opportunity to entertain me? Can they not try to help me?  I am in my car, with no air conditioner. I woke up and I had a choice to make. I could have either gotten up, and went to my job, or I could have just killed myself. Is it necessary that I be made to feel I have chosen incorrectly?

I don’t want to be reassured that you love your country. I don’t give a shit, how your kid is doing in school. I don’t care what side your ancestors were on during the civil war, or how proud of that you are. As far as I am concerned, your name is “Douche McBaggerson” You can go to hell. Just entertain or inspire me, and don’t clutter your whole windshield up with a bunch of bullshit. I only read so fast and when the light turns green, I have other assholes to worry about.

Introducing:

“The Wannabe Hot Rod Asshole”

Courtesy of cracked.com

Courtesy of cracked.com

Introducing “The Wannabe Hotrod Assholes” Honestly I understand that people should be allowed to spend their money on whatever they choose , but when I see a three hundred dollar car with three thousand dollar rims on the road I have to ask myself a question. Can the degenerate who made that decision possibly be capable of safely navigating his piece of shit through this city without killing someone? So far, I am not convinced.

“Look there is nothing wrong with buying, and driving a piece of shit car. Just accept that it is a piece of shit car. Embrace it. Be proud of it. Flaunt it. There is no need to mask it by spending money on stupid rims, decals, or a skank in the seat beside you. That just makes you and the car look like an asshole. No you’re right, cars can’t look like assholes, but yours does.

Believe me I have never owned a car that was not a piece of shit. I have never even washed a car that I have owned. I even referred to my old 81 Dodge Aries station wagon as a “The Dumpster”, but it didn’t have a spoiler or a hood scoop on it. I wasn’t painted lime green, and I was as proud as shit to be seen driving it down the road.”

Introducing:

“The Car Stereo Asshole”

These are the most annoying bastards that the seed of man has ever fouled the earth with. From where do they come? I can’t imagine a Hell that would admit them. They are dbbnot always around, but when they are you know because you can feel your car rattling. We will just refer to this sound as the “call of the asshole.” They have no self-awareness.

“Hey asshole, please don’t play any Led Zeppelin, Iron Maiden, Motley Crue, or any music that someone might actually want to here. That would screw up the whole annoying son of a bitch vibe you have going on. Why in the Hell are you out here on the road anyway. There couldn’t possibly be any one the planet who cares one way or the other if you show up or not. Why don’t you just put a shirt on, spin that stupid hat around and pretend that you are a man. Who knows? You might even some day convince the world that you are more than just a gaping shit-for-brains. For now, I would be fine if you just went to Hell”.

Safety Note: I will have to get a good look at the driver before I decide to engage him. I value my ass, and I don’t want a cap busted in it. A large or criminal looking driver will get no problem from this driver.

Introducing:

“The Volunteer Firemen Assholes”

Volunteer Firemen, are almost entirely made of heroes. Ned Hicks for example, I don’t know if anyone in the world has ever blurred the lines more between man and super hero. There is however, a small group of people in the south that use this as an excuse to drive around with a police band radio and flashing red lights on top of their trucks. This gives them a sense of importance and/or authority.  Why should I have to alter my driving experience because this son of a bitch feels like he wants to go pretend to be firemen once or twice a year?

Note: While I am on the subject; why do firemen need an entire legion of Bubbas and Jethros to aid them? I personally do not need a team of people to help me eat, sleep, or watch TV. Why do they?

Last: Active Assholes

These are the “Proactive Assholes” or “Trouble-Making Assholes.” These are the people, who by their actions, cause others grief. These are the real problem on the road they are the source of everything that is shitty about driving.

Introducing:

“The Selfish Bastard Asshole”

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ASSHOLE

Driver-showng-middle-finger2The best example I could come up with for this would be Tom Nardone. Yes that is me. I made the cut this time. I am “The Selfish Bastard Asshole” I do not let anyone in front of me. I don’t worry about waving at you as a way to say thank you. I will block the intersection if I think there is the slightest chance I can make it across.

My “Assholistic” driving issues are not just outward. They are inward as well. When I have my family in the car I am not only in complete control, I am also in complete command. I don’t care who is in the car with me. The air is controlled by me. The seat position is controlled by me. I decide who sits where and I control the damn music selection. My purpose for driving is for me to get from one place to another without getting pissed off in the process. Everybody who is benefitting by my willingness to drive has one job and one job only. They are to make every effort to ensure that I am happy, that I feel good, and that I have zero bullshit to contend with. I am the driver. I if you want to be an asshole fine. You can drive. I don’t consider myself above any other person, but if I am the driver, you are secondary.

Introducing:

 “The Good Samaritan Asshole” (Sure as hell not me.)

no picLet me to paint you a picture. It is bumper to bumper traffic. The sun is beating the hell out of you because your car is going too slow to generate the necessary RPM’s to get the air conditioner to work. Traffic is standing still, and you can’t figure out why. We have all been there. Well, once I do start moving, there is no way I am going to stop and let someone turn left to go into the mall or some silly little restaurant. There is no way anyone is going to pull out in front of me. I will ride a car’s bumper in front of me, and since I drive a piece of shit, let them try to get their car in front of mine.

Their does however, always seem to be some good-Samaritan, or a servant to the driving world in front of me who feels they are making the world a better place one car at a time by being a courteous driver. They will let people turn left in front of them,(and me) they will let people pull out in front of them(and me) two or three at a time.

Sometimes, if I am in the right mood, I will stand on my horn until they realize they are pissing me and many other drivers off in some underhanded attempt to make themselves feel helpful to the world. This forces them to ask themselves “Hey is helping these people worth the embarrassment it is causing me?” The answer usually seems to be “No” Because I stop honking when they start moving

Introducing

 Introducing: “The Cell Phone Asshole”

I hate the sight any driver talking on their cell phones. There is really only one thing about seeing people talk on their phones while driving that infuriates me, but it is a BIG

Person using cell phone while driving.

Hello? Dick McPrickerson here.

one. During heavy traffic I am at a red light with this clown in front of me. The light turns green, but they don’t realize this because they are apparently on some urgent phone call that has is more important than everything I have planned to do for the day. They think I don’t mind waiting for them. If I see them talking on the phone at the light before it turns green, I am anticipating a delay and I have my right hand ready in the honking position. I give them literally 1 second to get their piece of shit moving, and then, they get “The Horn”. Not just a friendly honk either. I stand on it even after we have cleared the intersection. I have given people a single blast of my horn that has exceeded 15 seconds. Yes, I keep honking after they are moving. I want them to know that there is a bigger asshole at the wheel behind them, and that he demands some professional courtesy. It also tells them that I am not interested in a repeat performance at the next light. Sometimes they will actually hang up the phone. That is a rare and sweet victory. It is at that moment I consider myself the hero driver

Introducing

“The Speeding Asshole”

A typical speed limit sign in the United State...

This means you asshole

I really hate a driver who speeds. I am not saying that I obey every law in this country, but I do not speed. My wife hates when I drive because I have an obsessive need to maintain the speed limit. It’s not just because I believe it is safe.

If I get a ticket, then that means I will have a court date looming over me. I will spend a week or two dreading a day that I will have to take off work, and leave the house, so I can go to court and deal with this by writing a check. It just isn’t worth it.

The interstates are usually where these particular assholes come out of the wood work. There are more of them, than all the others combined. What really bugs me about them is that it’s not enough for them to just drive fast. They seem to think that I support their need to put lives at risk. When I drive down the highway I usually do prefer the right lane anyway, however, if the left lane happens to be a smoother ride, I will choose the left lane. The car behind me will wait for an opportunity to pass me in the right lane. Now if they get pulled over, that is two things they can get ticketed for.

One thing I have noticed is when they do end up having to pass me on the right, they always look at me. They just have to see what I look like. I don’t do it anymore, but years ago, I would have a little sign in my car. It was a paint stirrer stick with a piece of card board tapped to it. It simply read “I LOVE YOU” That really made them mad.

Introducing:

 “The Parking Assholes”

Yes, I know parking is a bitch. There are so many cars entering and exiting parking places all day, and that is bad enough, or is it?

Outrageously shitty parking job, SUV at USC, C...

ASSHOLE

Well, not for some people. There is always that driver who will drive around and around until that perfect place opens up that they can cruise right into. They make driving shitty for you and me.

I remember one time I was behind this stupid lady and the perfect place opened up, but she went forward a little too far. She needed to back up in order to enter this magical spot. She (without even looking at me) sticks her hand out the window and starts waving me back as if me taxiing an airplane. I of course, being Tom Nardone, pulled forward even more to ensure that she would be unsuccessful in her attempt. She tried to wait me out. Yah right. When that didn’t work, she only then, tried politeness, but that didn’t matter because she already became a blip on my asshole radar. She stuck her head out of the window and politely said “Sir could you back up just a little so I can have this spot” I replied, also in a polite tone, “No ma’am I won’t but thank you for asking, and please feel free to take all the time you need. That parking place is my destiny and I have nothing to do all day but wait for it.”. I did not know until that day that a station wagon could burn rubber. I did take the spot. It was nice. At that moment I became the “it serves you right driver”

“Turn Signals”

English: Turn signal lamp on 706RTO Česky: Boč...

On turn signals; I do not require any driver to use their turn signal mainly because I don’t believe them anyway. A turn signal just indicates what direction a person thinks they are going. I do not pay any attention to them anymore.

“The Horn”

On the horn; this is a very important part of my car, second only to the brakes. There are several different ways I honk my horn. If I am of good cheer, then maybe I might

just use “The Bump” (this courtesy is not afforded to people on their cell phones). This is a simple quick blast of the horn. It is an almost friendly sound that sort of says “Hey buddy the light is green now just so you know.” It is the subtlest of horns.

There is also “The Push”. This is for people who are day dreaming. There is no real malice a forethought while using “The Push”, but there is also no real acknowledgement of the drivers feelings either. “The Push” is also used if I am picking someone up and I simply need to alert them from the driveway.

My personal favorite is without a doubt “The Stand”. This is for anybody who meets my own personal list of things that qualify them as an asshole. This is the one that calms the angry beast inside me. Sometimes using this horn makes it worth being out in traffic. There is nothing like that long blast of my horn to indicate to the driver in front of me, that they are a shithead. It also provides this moron with all the public embarrassment and unwanted attention they need to help themselves to make better decisions in the future. It also alerts any other driver in the area that there is a stupid ass among us, and that they should be wary of their presence. I do always make exceptions for certain people. Those would be: handicap people, old people, and of course there is no need to gain any extra attention from police officers. Police cars are the only government vehicles that are exempt from my training program. As I said before, I value my ass and I don’t want it thrown in jail. I do consider it a public service to provide this free training to the general driving public, and though I ask no credit for this act of good will, I have probably saved countless lives all over the country. I hope that is something that will always be said about Tom Nardone; “He gave till it hurt”.

Four Way Stops

On 4 way stops; there seems to be a lot of confusion at 4-way stop signs. There are way too many of them in my area. One thing I used to find annoying is when you get to the

STOP STOP STOP S-T-O-P!!!

My Turn

stop sign and nobody seems to know whose turn it is. I finally figured that out. If I come to a 4 way stop and there is any confusion as to whose turn it is, then it is automatically by default, my turn. This has made it much easier.

Thank you for riding with me. I hope you enjoyed the trip. See you on the road.

Feel free to mention any assholes that I forgot.

Tom Nardone.

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Tom’s Endless Summer 2013

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Tom’s Endless Summer 2013

There seemed to be a lot of interest in my post on Facebook last night of my wife’s honey-do list that could potentially destroy what was already going to be a crappy summer for  reasons I have mentioned in past articles. For those of you who did not see the email message, I have included it below. My wife sent this to me, and told me to check my email. As she left to go to bed for the night. All she said as was, “We will talk about it in the morning” I checked my email and this is what I found. How about we  go through it line by line.

The Email:

Tom,

I have adopted your life style and the house is crumbling around us. If we work as a team we can do this please help me.   

Your loving wife

1.       Paint the deck and fence ( yes take a close look)
2.       Clean behind the house burn yard trash
3.       Take old swimming pool to the dump
4.       Repair the bathroom ceiling
5.       Repair moldings I will paint
6.       Clean up and repair your Honda
7.       Take a truck load to goodwill
8.       Clean garage
9.       Mulch around house
10.   Clean your rooms I will clean your carpet and paint Continue reading

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Brody Bricker Vol I. | Man, That’s a Cadillac

The Adventures of: Brody Bricker

VOL. I

Man, That’s a Cadillac.



tom118 Brody Bricker

Brody Bricker was one of my best friends growing up. He lived to cause trouble. He would do anything to get a reaction out of someone. He had absolutely no conscience, and the only time I ever saw him smile, was after causing any kind of mayhem.

I have changed his name, the names of his victims, and the names of any businesses that might have suffered at the expense of his entertainment.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Brody Bricker

“Man, That’s a Cadillac” 

It was one summer and my friend Brody Bricker called me very excited. His mom had decided to take him to Jekyll Island for a summer vacation. Brody was thrilled when his mom said that he could invite me to go with them. His mom and dad thought a lot of me, and they told my parents that she would pay for everything. My parents were fine with it and told me not to let him get me into any trouble. They knew what brody was. I was 11 years old at the time and had never been to the ocean.

We left early one morning and got there around lunch time. After we checked into our hotel room, Brody’s mom said she was going to the pool and we could do “whatever”.

We decided to go to the beach. We swam for about 2 hours and Brody came over to me and said “Hey Tom, I have to use the bathroom. Come with me. I don’t know if I will remember where the hotel room is” I said that would be fine so we grabbed our towels and went toward the parking lot.

This was a very big hotel complex. The walk back to the room was a good ten minutes, and we had to walk across the parking lot which was a giant plane of black asphalt. I explained to Brody that it would take a while and he said well I am not walking that far. I knew that meant trouble.

Shortly after we began our journey across the parking lot Brody started checking to see who the unfortunate bastard who was stupid enough not to lock his car door would be. I said “Brody are you crazy? What are you doing?” He said “Don’t worry about it Tom and lower your voice, I don’t wanna get caught.” He checked a lot of cars and I was getting irritated.  Just as I was about to say something else, He found one. It was a beautiful silver Cadillac. I really did not know what his plans were.

Like this one

Like this one

Brody said “Tom go stand over there you are not going to want to watch what comes next.” I of course, obliged him and walked far enough away to not see any details, but close enough to see what he was doing. Brody took his swim trunks off and entered the back seat of this Cadillac. He put his feet on the lip of the back seat, and his ass in front of the backseat head rest. He put his hands on the head rests of the front seats. What happened next is one of the worst things I have ever seen. (I will try to be tasteful.)

Brody was obviously having some kind of gastric issues. When the bomb bay doors opened he dropped the entire payload. It was awful. I could hear the awful sounds from fifty feet away.  At first he was laughing so hard he couldn’t stand it, but then the smell hit him and I saw him start to gag. It got to be too much and he started to throw up. He was having a tough time in there as you might imagine. Then finally, he seemed to be finished. I was so relieved. I just knew he would get out of the car, close the door, get dressed, and then we could leave, but not just yet.

I was worried we were going to get caught at this point. I said “Brody what are you doing now!” He immediately resumed his laughter and said “I am almost done. I have to wipe.” He got out of the back seat and closed the door, still with no pants on, and laughing. He opened the front seat, and entered the car for the second time. I had to go in for a closer look. I watched him place the crack of his ass on the lip of the front seat. He then carefully pulled himself from one side of the Cadillac to the other, dragging his ass across it, using the entire length of the front seat to de-soil himself. It reminded me of a dog dragging it’s ass across the yard.

Finally, Brody closed up the car and locked it. He put his trunks on looked at me as if nothing had happened and said “You want to go swim some more?”

For the rest of the day I could not stop thinking about the hot Georgia sun baking the unholy mess that Brody left in that Cadillac.

I have always wondered what kind of reaction these people must have had when they found that their car, for no reason had been made into a crime scene.

Thinking back I just hope that whoever owned that car was some sex offender, or rapist, or any other person that the world deems as undesirable. As an 11 year old kid, it was just funny.

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Cell Phone For Tom Nardone? | I would rather just have a fishhook in my ass.

Cell Phone No More

I did own a cell phone about seven years ago. I was at the point where my contract was up in three days and was set to renew automatically. I thought about it and said “Hell I guess I’ll just let it renew.” The next day was Friday. I was at work and it was fifteen minutes before I was going to leave. I had the weekend off and I could not get out of there soon enough.

Finally, it was five minutes ‘til 3:00pm, and I began that magical walk toward the time clock, I hit the clock and was on my way to the front door, and it happened. RINNNNNNNG! It was my wife she said “Tom are you still at Home Depot” I said, still at this point with a smile on my face “Yes dear I am walking out the door” She said “Well I am glad I caught you. I need you to grab a few things on your way out.” I didn’t want to do it but if it makes her happy I thought fine. I can just do it, and start my awesome weekend off on a cooperative note. I said “OK dear, what do we need?” with her next words I knew that whatever plans I might have had for a great weekend were now in the shitter. She responded “You are going to need a pen”

Here are the things that I grabbed on the way out. 25 bags of mulch, 60 fence pickets, a wheelbarrow, a hundred foot garden hose, and a bunch of other little things. For those of you not cursed with the burden of owning a home, these are the kinds of things homeowners buy to ensure that they have a real shitty weekend. Most of you know my position on yard work. Nothing gives me the red-ass like being stopped on my way out the building after I have clocked out, but after this, I was devastated. If you have ever gotten so mad that your anger turns to tears or crying, then you know how I felt. I wrote it all down and managed to push the words “I love you dear” out of my body, and then I hung up.

BROKEN CELL PHONE

My cell phone, my wonderful, fifty dollar a month, pain in the ass, heart-breaking, soul killing, cell phone,  with a fist covered in talcum powder had screwed me for the last time. After hanging up with my wife, I looked at my cell phone and smiled. I then dropped it, still smiling, and watched it go hurling toward the concrete floor of the Home Depot. My smile turned to anger and I began violently jumping up and down on that phone like a child throwing a tantrum. There were pieces of cell phone flying everywhere. When I finished, I noted that two couples that were shopping, were watching my performance. I looked at them and said “I just got some really bad news from home” They nodded as if to offer me their sympathy, and I got the stuff and went home.

I got home and went insides the house and Yvonne said “Did you get everything?” I said “yes dear, I have to go upstairs and take care of something.” I went up to my man-cave and called Sprint. I told them I would not be renewing my contract. They explained to me that to cancel my contract they would need a letter from me thirty days before the termination date.

I did not even get mad. I just said “Well it is your right to continue my service, just as it is my right to not send you any more money. I am not going to write you a letter, but I will stop sending you money. I imagine you will get tired of providing me with service before I get tired of not spending fifty dollars a month, thereby giving other people access to my ass for the purpose of causing it pain.  Believe me ma’am your services has caused me more pain today then I have time to explain.”

The Sprint lady said “Sir this will be reported to the credit bureau, and will result in a negative mark on your credit.” I said “Well of course it will, believe me many others have gone there before you. Sprint will be, but another drop of water in the Sea of Tom Nardone. So by all means, feel free to do your worst. Thank you for your time ma’am”

YVONNEI hung up the phone, and went downstairs and began the hell that would be my weekend.

Cell phone for Tom? No Thank You. I would rather have a fish hook in my ass.

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

 

  • lying-tom-nardone-maipulateYou can join the I Am Tom Nardone Facebook Group by clicking HERE. or ADHDpeople.net Here
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The Dishwasher | A Useless Chunk of Shit

 

tom-nardone-dishwasher-head

My wife is of the opinion that the dishes need to be washed before they go into the dishwasher. I of course think that is stupid. The dishwasher’s job is to wash the dishes. If the dishwasher is unable to do this then the dishwasher is a useless piece of shit, and it is time to shit-can it,  and replace it with a cabinet so we have more space to store all the pots and pans that never seem to be able to fit into the cabinet the same way twice.(that is such bullshit)

I never take the initiative to run the Dishwasher

My wife always asks me “Hey Tom, Did you run the dishwasher?” LOOK! The damn dishwasher should never be run until it is completely, and absolutely full. Not half full, not almost full, but full full. It costs money to run a dishwasher and as my wife has mentioned before; I am one cheap bastard. I have plenty of things that I enjoy wasting my money on. Running an empty dishwasher is not on the list.dishwasher-tom-nardone

My dishwasher has cost me more than just on the electric bill. 2 Years ago my dishwasher bent be over the kitchen counter and drilled me right in the ass. The assholes at the factory over tightened a screw.  My dishwasher leaked behind the cabinets, and that led to my hardwood floors in the hallway to be destroyed. Luckily, I am Tom Nardone, and I was able to fix the leak, but can you just guess what the bastards at the insurance company told us when we tried to make a claim on our home owners insurance? Yes, and not only was it not covered but they raised our premiums for even attempting to make a claim

I don’t wash my clothes before I throw them in the washer, I don’t cook a turkey before I toss it in the oven, so I don’t think it is too much to expect to not have to wash my dishes before they go into the dishwasher. I am not the only one who believes this. Some friends of mine from Ohio just sent me an article that says it is not necessary, even for health reasons.(click here) (Thank you Mike and Patty) This article won’t make any difference in this house though. My wife won’t care about it. Hell she doesn’t even read any of the shit I write so I will have to just continue to take it in the shorts

Lastly, most people who use dishwashers don’t even need them. If you have kids between the ages of 10 and 18, well, there are your dishwashers. What a great way for them to contribute to the household than to do the dishes by hand. It will teach many values that will serve them as they get older; you know, before they turn 18 and their heads miraculously emerge from their asses and then they know more than you do. I know I know you already make your kids wash the dishes. If you are letting them use the dishwasher then I disagree with that because you know and I know they will load dirty dishes into a dishwasher that already has clean dishes in it because they don’t want to unload it. The way we know that is that it is the same shit we used to pull when it was our job.

I am Tom Nardone and you are welcome.

  • lying-tom-nardone-maipulateYou can join the I Am Tom Nardone Facebook Group by clicking HERE. or ADHDpeople.net Here
  • Or you can enter you email address at the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME” 
  • Or you could risk never hearing from me again and go through life without the benefit of my counsel, but what would be the
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Tom Nardone is My Husband | He is Also ADHD

Guest Writer Yvonne Nardone

yvonne-nardoneTom is the kindest smartest and funniest person I have ever met. Although we constantly disagree we seldom fight. Tom is my Best friend and husband and I’m proud to call him that.[Continue Reading]

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Time-ADHD, I Love You, but You Are a Whore!

tom-nardone-timeThere is a lot said about “Time” such as; Time waits for no man, Time is money, Time heals all wounds, or Time is on our side. I have a different attitude towards time. Those of us with ADD or ADHD know this all too well. Time is screwing us! CONTINUE READING

 

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