Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Strikes Back!!

 Rudolph

Rudolph-red-nose-reindeer-2Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is probably one of the most famous Christmas stories in the world. I find that sad. I cannot for the life of me, understand what it is about this story that any parent would like their child to learn.Christmas stories like that typically have an underlying message that teach kids some life lesson or help them to understand things about the world. Rudolph is no exception to that rule. It’s just the wrong lesson. Let me explain.

For those of you who have not heard the story. A beautiful reindeer is born, but he is a little different. He is not like the other reindeer. He Rudolph-red-nose-reindeer-1had a shiny red nose that glows. It, through most of the story, causes him nothing but grief and bullshit; much like anybody who, God Forbid, is different than others and the world just can’t seem to grasp this.  With the exception of Rudolph’s mother, the entire town was on his ass for something he could not help, and something he could not change. He wasn’t like everyone else, so all the other asshole reindeer decide that they don’t like Rudolph because of this shiny red nose.

They laughed at him and they called him names. Rudolph’s father even covers his nose with a fake black one so that Santa Clause will find him acceptable. Yes, Santa. There is a scene where Santa, wobbles his jolly fat ass right into the shop where Rudolph’s dad was putting the finishing touches on his new black nose. Rudolph’s dad informs him that he has the nose problems well under control. He explains to Santa that it won’t be a problem, and that is son won’t embarrass him.

Rudolph had no friends, no family, and no support system. He for no reason was made to feel bad about himself. His own father and that White bearded, bag-toting, ho ho ho shouting, sack of shit who is loved across the globe, could not see the beauty in what was different about this gentle meek child reindeer.

Sometime later, a storm came in. It was a storm that could have halted Christmas. Santa was very concerned. (so he claimed) He was worried that all the poor little children in the world would have to go without the toys that his slave colony of elves has been working on all year. Yes, he was screwed. Santa did not have a clue, and he did not have a plan. he stood outside and watched the storm roll in with nothing, but his dick in his hand.

Then all of a sudden, Santa remembers Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. He thinks to himself “Yeah Rudolph! That is the reindeer whose balls I have been busting all year. He is the one that has no friends and whose life I have been ruining for the glorification of my ego.”

So now that Santa’s plans are shit side up, he thinks of Rudolph. Santa realizes that Rudolph’s shiny red nose can be of service to him and to the rest of the bastards who ostracized him and shut him out. Their lives can now be easier with Rudolph’s nose.

So Santa, and Rudolph’s father, and all the other Shit-bag reindeer went to Rudolph, humble for the first time. Santa looking at the ground says “Hey Rudolph, as you know there is a storm coming and we are all really up shit creek here. Would you mind using your nose so that we can all see where in the Hell we are going tonight?”


OK, Now here comes the Bullshit.


Rudolph proudly agrees, to escort these son’s of bitches. He just tucked his tail and bailed these assholes out. This basically the story of Rudolph.

I would like to apologize on behalf of Director: Larry Roemer, and Writers: Robert May, Romeo Muller. Literarily speaking they have corn-holed us all. All these years you have had to know the story as it is and it is all because of these three assholes

Well your pain ends today. I, Tom Nardone, and I would like to present a more proper ending to this story. I now present the Tom Nardone ending.

“Hey Rudolph, as you know there is a storm coming and we are all really up shit creek here. Would you mind using your nose so that we can all see where in the Hell we are going tonight?” Rudolph agrees. (Now stay with me) So on the night they leave, the reindeer get harnessed up, and they all take to the air from the North Pole. Santa is relieved; he could not believe that his gelatinous ass was finally airborne, and everything would work out okay, or so it seemed.

Presenting: Rudolph the Rad-Nosed Reindeer.

Rudolph was at the head of the pack leading the way to spread Christmas cheer to the whole world. About twenty minutes into the flight, they were clear of land. Then Rudolph, seeing, that they were now flying over the ocean, breaks a sinister grin. He detaches himself from his harness and flies around alongside the sleigh and says to Santa and all the reindeer.

Rudolph’s nose increased its brightness casting a fiery red aura around himself as he spoke:

“ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE TREATED LIKE ANY OTHER REINDEER, BUT ALL OF YOU CHOSE TO SHIT ON ME! YOU SO YOU PRICKS THINK ABOUT THAT ON YOUR WAY TO HELL. I  THIRST FOR THE TEARS YOU WILL SHED AS YOU CRASH THIS PIECE OF SHIT SLEIGH INTO THE OCEAN, WHILE TRYING TO FLY THIS MOTHER-F#CKER BLIND!! BEFORE YOU DIE. KNOW THIS!!

I AM GOING BACK TO CHRISTMAS TOWN, AND I’M GONNA BURN THAT MOTHERFU#KER TO THE GROUND WHILE THE WHOLE TOWN SLEEPS!!! I WILL DRINK YAGER FROM THE SKULL OF AN ELF, AND EAT VENISON AS I STAND IN THE CREMATORY THAT YOU ASSHOLES ONCE CALLED HOME, I WILL WAIT FOR THE WHOLE TOWN TO BURN. WHEN IT IS COMPLETE I WILL GATHER THE ASHES AND THEM IM GONNA BURN THE F#CKING ASHES.

YOU DOUCHE-BAGS DENIED ME A MERRY CHRISTMAS, SO I WILL JUST MAKE MY OWN HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

SO MERRY CHRISTMAS ASSHOLES, MERRY FU@%ING CHRISTMAS.

Rudolph then flew away leaving Santa and the other reindeer without any hope of survival.

Rudolph-red-nose-reindeer-3I think if Rudolph had stood up for himself, like in my ending people might get the Idea of how it feels to be picked an and made fun of.

THE END

I am Tom Nardone, and you are welcome.

  • tomboyYour comments are appreciated. Scroll to the bottom of the page.
  • If you would like to be notified of future posts, You can follow me on facebook here.
  • If you would like to be notified via email, then go to the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME” IT WILL FEEL GREAT!!!

An Unforgettable Halloween w/ Kotex & Brody Bricker

Halloween-brody-brickerThis Halloween is remembered by many.

I have written about Brody Bricker before and some of you love him and some of you hate him. He was my best friend as a child growing up from the third grade through the seventh grade. He was a very bad kid and lived to cause mischief. Read of his other exploits here.

One Halloween when we were nine-years-old, I went to Brody’s house before we were to go out trick-or-treating. When I arrived, he did not yet have his costume on. I went as Batman and he was going to be Superman. When I entered his house his mother told me to go back to his room. Continue reading

Bad Guys | Mayberry Goes Gangster!

The Bad Guys? Why do we root for them?

tom-nardone-bad-guys-1Writers sometimes cause us to temporarily forsake their own morals, and beliefs. During certain movies and TV shows, people will cast aside their understanding of right and wrong and root for the bad guys. I have no problem with this; I just find it to be amazing.

I remember growing up as many did watching the Andy Griffith Show, Leave it to Beaver and My Three Sons. These were family oriented shows and generally taught lessons about being a family and making the right decisions when faced with problems. When we played as kids no one wanted to be the bad guy. Even the cop shows through the 70s and 80s were centered on the cops being the good guys and always triumphing over the bad guys. TV today is not this way. Continue reading

Used Shit is the Best Shit

tom-nardone-used-shit

People love to buy new shit for themselves. I count myself among them. There is nothing quite like unwrapping a new TV or a new laptop. Open the box and tear open the plastic. The smell of the factory air enters my nose as if to tell me, “Tom, I am yours. Use me and abuse me.”

Not everything you buy should be new. There are some things we are better off buying used. There are certain things you should never buy new. Continue reading

Tom & Yvonne Nardone Take Orlando

tom-nardone-universal-studios-Orlando

EXPECTO-PATRONUM

My wife and I went to Orlando Florida this past week. I was not real wild at the idea of going anywhere that was not my man-cave or my living room. I am on record with my feelings on ever leaving the house. I still cannot believe we went this far away from home. I have lots of anxiety about being far from home and my chair; even when we go out for an hour or two.

We had made and paid for our reservations so our departure was eminent. I thought there was a glimmer of hope when Yvonne told me it would be overcast and rainy all next week in Orlando. I was actually euphoric for a moment and thought, “WOW we may be going to Orlando, but at least we don’t have to do anything!”

Later when I came home I found a bag on the kitchen table containing two ponchos. Yes, apparently my wife is hell-bent on doing shit while we are in Orlando. She was so committed that she was willing to do it in the rain if need be. I have got to admire her tenacity.

The morning before we left, things almost got gangster between us. spidertom--OrlandoShe was showing me you-tube videos of the rides at Universal Studios. There are a lot of rides there. The videos were of the insane people who have dared to ride on these machines designed to scare the shit out of their customers. I have no interest in shitting in my pants unless I am at work and trying to think of a reason to leave early. I told Yvonne I would not be riding them.

She then points out the fact that a bunch of kids are shown on the ride having a great time and laughing. “Sorry Yvonne, those kids are not yet smart enough to realize the risk they are taking. They are also with their parents and when kids are with their parents, there is an implied safety they feel. The demeanor of those kids is by no means based on their research or knowledge of the world.” It could simply be that their parents are without the benefit of brains.

tom-and-yvonne-nardone-Orlando

Tom & Yvonne

The Car trip was quite exciting. Yvonne and I are not used to paying tolls. We don’t travel on toll roads ever and Florida has toll roads. We went into the line at the toll booth, and I think the lady said,”$3.00 please”.  I handed her my debit card, but this was, of course, not good enough. Apparently the toll booth industry is a cash-only business. She gave us a card and asked us to please mail them a payment within a few days. (HAHA Yeah Okay). The next toll booth we went to the wrong booth it was the exact change booth, and there was no attendant. We sat there for a moment looking at each other, and then simply drove off. I have to say, for us, this felt like a real Bonnie and Clyde moment.

tom-nardone-Garbage-Gardens

Garbage Gardens

Arriving in Orlando

Finally, we arrived at our hotel. Our accommodations at “Garbage Gardens” were not bad. I mean a hotel in Orlando for fifty bucks a night is not easy to find, but I am glad we did. The toilet did not flush so I came up with the great plan of filling up the garbage can with water from the tub and flushing it that way. I don’t recommend you use hot water if you find yourself ever needing to do this; WOW.

tom-nardone-Heather-Carter-williams

Heather & Carter Williams

Day one: at the park we went straight to the Harry Potter ride called “Diagon Alley”.  I will admit it was impressive but we waited in line for Five Hours. I don’t care how awesome it was, it was not worth five hours of my life that I will never get back. However Yvonne and I met a lovely lady named Heather Williams, and her son Carter. We laughed and joked and told stories. They were completely awesome. They both gave us the ins and outs of the park. Their tips helped Yvonne and I avoid a lot of rookie mistakes.

Day two: was completely awesome. We did nothing but sit in the room all day and watch house of cards on Netflix. Our asses were whipped from the twelve hour visit the day before.

Day three: was crazy. Yvonne had been trying to get me to go on these insane roller coasters and I refused over and over. However, I got an impulse and decided to ride “The Hulk”. This is an ass-twisting, shit-extracting, white knuckle thrill ride of a roller coaster. There was NO line so I said, “Okay Yvonne, let’s do it.” We went right up to the entrance and entered the ride. It lasted about forty-five seconds. When we got off the ride, Yvonne was nearly catatonic. I was fine. But Yvonne was not interested riding any more insane rides; which was fine with me.

We spent the last two days at the ADDA Conference. That story will be on my other blog. We were in Orlando for five nights and we did not eat out every night. We went to the grocery store but we forgot to buy forks or spoons. I think the sight of me eating potato salad out of the container with my fingers was a little more than Yvonne was ready to witness. God bless her.

The ride home was fun. Yvonne and I talked and laughed for almost the whole eight hours. I think in some ways this was the best part of the trip. Yvonne is funny and a great conversationalist. I love her more than I love sitting on my ass.

Seeing my house as we pulled in was wonderful. Upon entering my home I saw the greatest thing of all. My chair was waiting patiently for me. I could almost hear it begging for my ass to plant itself firmly in its bosom. Life is good.

I am Tom Nardone and you are welcome.

FOLLOW ME
tomboy

  • You can join the I Am Tom Nardone Facebook Group by clicking HERE. or ADHDpeople.net Here
  • Or you can enter you email address at the top of this page and click the button that says “BE AWESOME” 
  • Or you could risk never hearing from me again and go through life without the benefit of my counsel, but what would be the 

Homeless People | The Romance of True Freedom

Homeless People

tom-nardone-homeless-peopleHomeless people are called vagrants, drifters, beggars, pan-handlers, and so forth. As a society, some of us tend to look down upon homeless people. We are offended at the fact they just walk the earth, with their hand out. We believe homeless people simply depend on working people for a little bit of their hard earned money. To my shame, I admit I too once judged these people. I no longer do. Thiking about these people recently,  I have determined I have a great deal of respect for homeless people. Continue reading

Eating. The Absolute Ultimate Pain in My Ass!

Eating-chef-tom-nardone


Eating is perhaps the most necessary of evils. We all must do it. Eating is a burden all living things must bear. I personally cannot stand eating. I would go as far as to say I am indifferent toward food in general. I find every day in almost every area of my life, food is causing be difficulty, inconvenience, pain, or irritation. It never fails. You may not realize it but it affects you the same way. Continue reading

Getting Hired. I am the Pied Piper, Follow Me!

pied-piper-getting -hiredGetting hired is a skill those of us with ADHD need to possess. As ADHD people we can sometimes find ourselves being shit-canned from jobs. I know some of you may be offended by this idea, but believe it or not many of the traits we exhibit can have a negative impact on our employer’s perception of us and the job we do. We carry this failure into the next interview, while doubting our own ability, and end up not getting hired.

Getting hired is not a contest, but a form of art. It is a game. It is a dance. Getting hired is something I have accomplished over twenty times in a single year. It sure as hell was not because I was the most qualified person for the job twenty times. It is because I am a fan of the art, I understand the game, and there are few better at the dance than I. Continue reading

Teenagers v/s Parents

Teenagers! Respect the Code

 

Teenagers-tom-nardone-4There is a code that exists between parents and teenagers who are sixteen and older. With little kids it is easy because they don’t know shit. They don’t even know that they don’t know shit. You tell them there is an Easter bunny or a fat-ass man dressed in red who flies around once a year to deliver gifts and they just buy it. Little kids are not educated enough about the world to think they know how it works. In this regard, they are perhaps smarter than many teenagers. Teenagers think they understand shit. It is so annoying. Continue reading

Manipulation | Harness its Power, and Eat Its Fruits

tom-nardone-manipulationManipulation can bring you great rewards. Everyone is nosy about something. I for one am today and always have been nosy and curious, and particularly so at the workplace. Workplace gossip is among the finest entertainment of which I am aware. I love it and I want to know it all. I don’t want to be left out of the conversations or theories surrounding the whispers. I want to weigh in and be heard among the busiest of tongues. I am like a dry sponge when it comes to workplace gossip, standing ever so ready to suck it all up. Continue reading