Tom & Yvonne Nardone Take Orlando

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EXPECTO-PATRONUM

My wife and I went to Orlando Florida this past week. I was not real wild at the idea of going anywhere that was not my man-cave or my living room. I am on record with my feelings on ever leaving the house. I still cannot believe we went this far away from home. I have lots of anxiety about being far from home and my chair; even when we go out for an hour or two.

We had made and paid for our reservations so our departure was eminent. I thought there was a glimmer of hope when Yvonne told me it would be overcast and rainy all next week in Orlando. I was actually euphoric for a moment and thought, “WOW we may be going to Orlando, but at least we don’t have to do anything!”

Later when I came home I found a bag on the kitchen table containing two ponchos. Yes, apparently my wife is hell-bent on doing shit while we are in Orlando. She was so committed that she was willing to do it in the rain if need be. I have got to admire her tenacity.

The morning before we left, things almost got gangster between us. spidertom--OrlandoShe was showing me you-tube videos of the rides at Universal Studios. There are a lot of rides there. The videos were of the insane people who have dared to ride on these machines designed to scare the shit out of their customers. I have no interest in shitting in my pants unless I am at work and trying to think of a reason to leave early. I told Yvonne I would not be riding them.

She then points out the fact that a bunch of kids are shown on the ride having a great time and laughing. “Sorry Yvonne, those kids are not yet smart enough to realize the risk they are taking. They are also with their parents and when kids are with their parents, there is an implied safety they feel. The demeanor of those kids is by no means based on their research or knowledge of the world.” It could simply be that their parents are without the benefit of brains.

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Tom & Yvonne

The Car trip was quite exciting. Yvonne and I are not used to paying tolls. We don’t travel on toll roads ever and Florida has toll roads. We went into the line at the toll booth, and I think the lady said,”$3.00 please”.  I handed her my debit card, but this was, of course, not good enough. Apparently the toll booth industry is a cash-only business. She gave us a card and asked us to please mail them a payment within a few days. (HAHA Yeah Okay). The next toll booth we went to the wrong booth it was the exact change booth, and there was no attendant. We sat there for a moment looking at each other, and then simply drove off. I have to say, for us, this felt like a real Bonnie and Clyde moment.

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Garbage Gardens

Arriving in Orlando

Finally, we arrived at our hotel. Our accommodations at “Garbage Gardens” were not bad. I mean a hotel in Orlando for fifty bucks a night is not easy to find, but I am glad we did. The toilet did not flush so I came up with the great plan of filling up the garbage can with water from the tub and flushing it that way. I don’t recommend you use hot water if you find yourself ever needing to do this; WOW.

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Heather & Carter Williams

Day one: at the park we went straight to the Harry Potter ride called “Diagon Alley”.  I will admit it was impressive but we waited in line for Five Hours. I don’t care how awesome it was, it was not worth five hours of my life that I will never get back. However Yvonne and I met a lovely lady named Heather Williams, and her son Carter. We laughed and joked and told stories. They were completely awesome. They both gave us the ins and outs of the park. Their tips helped Yvonne and I avoid a lot of rookie mistakes.

Day two: was completely awesome. We did nothing but sit in the room all day and watch house of cards on Netflix. Our asses were whipped from the twelve hour visit the day before.

Day three: was crazy. Yvonne had been trying to get me to go on these insane roller coasters and I refused over and over. However, I got an impulse and decided to ride “The Hulk”. This is an ass-twisting, shit-extracting, white knuckle thrill ride of a roller coaster. There was NO line so I said, “Okay Yvonne, let’s do it.” We went right up to the entrance and entered the ride. It lasted about forty-five seconds. When we got off the ride, Yvonne was nearly catatonic. I was fine. But Yvonne was not interested riding any more insane rides; which was fine with me.

We spent the last two days at the ADDA Conference. That story will be on my other blog. We were in Orlando for five nights and we did not eat out every night. We went to the grocery store but we forgot to buy forks or spoons. I think the sight of me eating potato salad out of the container with my fingers was a little more than Yvonne was ready to witness. God bless her.

The ride home was fun. Yvonne and I talked and laughed for almost the whole eight hours. I think in some ways this was the best part of the trip. Yvonne is funny and a great conversationalist. I love her more than I love sitting on my ass.

Seeing my house as we pulled in was wonderful. Upon entering my home I saw the greatest thing of all. My chair was waiting patiently for me. I could almost hear it begging for my ass to plant itself firmly in its bosom. Life is good.

I am Tom Nardone and you are welcome.

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